Roman Candle
by nowforruin
Summary: Expansion of my entry from the "Geekward Shuffle" contest. Edward went to NYU dreaming of a future surrounded by academia. He ended up bartending in Brooklyn. Now he finds himself stuck with a bad job and a bad girlfriend. **on hiatus**
1. 1 Brooklyn

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I just sent Edward off to be a failed student, and a general geeky hot mess. Enjoy.

1. Brooklyn

_A penny for the old guy. _

I smirked to myself as the line echoed in my thoughts, shuffling my sneaker-clad feet along the dirty sidewalk. "For we are the hollow men," I muttered under my breath before taking another long drag from my cigarette. I leaned my head back, the grey afternoon sky meeting my gaze, and exhaled. The long trail of smoke drifted on the light wind, disappearing over the tops of the bare trees. I shivered in the breeze, pulling my dark wool coat more tightly around myself and burying my chin in my scarf. My mother had bought it for me before packing me off to school in the big city, far away from my rainy hometown.

My mother…It had been nearly a year since we had spoken.

I finished my cigarette, stamping it out beneath my scuffed shoes before jogging up the steps to my apartment building. It was rundown, and not in the best neighborhood, but I was close to my job and bordering on affordable. Barely.

Coming to New York City, I had been full of dreams like so many other young, vibrant kids. I was going to go to NYU, study literature, and emerge a fully employable twenty-something – though my father not-so-secretly hoped I would get my head out of the clouds and get a "real" job. Preferably in medicine – just like him.

What actually happened was that I started working at a local bar to fund my good time. The hours finally caught up to me, and in what my mother assured me was possibly my dumbest move to date, I gave up college to bartend. Neither of my parents had been particularly thrilled with my decision to major in literature to begin with; it was a 'useless' degree by their standards. So when I decided that I wasn't going to even finish the 'useless' degree, they were none too pleased. What exactly did I propose to do with myself, without a college degree?

Well, I made a killing.

And my parents? They dropped out of my life. So did their credit cards. And suddenly, what had once upon a time seemed like a killing was really just enough to make ends meet in the oh-so-expensive city I had chosen to live. I was growing tired of the road I had chosen, but was still far too proud to admit it.

It was cold in the hallway of the apartment as I hurried along to my own door. I quickly shoved the key in, jiggling it as I turned. The lock was old and prone to sticking, but thankfully it turned on the first try. I loosened my scarf from as I kicked the door shut, draping it over the hook beside my front door as I shivered again. There was a chill to the air still, winter refusing to relinquish its tight grip. "The eyes are not here, there are no eyes here, in this valley of dying stars, in this hollow valley, this broken jaw of our lost kingdoms…" I recited quietly as I shrugged out of my coat and dropped it onto the smooth wooden bench beside the door.

"What the hell are you muttering to yourself?" my girlfriend demanded, rounding the corner with her hands on her hips. The words died on my lips, my cheeks flushing brightly when I realized she had caught me.

_You chose to drop out of school, _I reminded myself, eyeing her in her boy-shorts and thin tank-top. She wasn't wearing a bra. _You chose this life_.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing." I twisted my lips up into the grin I knew would practically tear those shorts off all by itself. I quickly strode down the hall, covering her hands with my own. "When did you get here?"

"While you were out," she replied flippantly. She pressed up against me, long blond hair falling over her shoulders as she leaned closer. "I decided to get more comfortable while I waited."

"Did you? These clothes don't look comfortable at all."

"How are you going to fix that?" she purred, running her hands along my back and sliding them up under my shirt.

I opened my mouth to respond, but noticed a rather suspicious mark on her neck as I bent closer. "What the hell is that?" I demanded, pushing her away. Jessica hadn't bothered to come home the night before, so I knew a bruise that fresh certainly hadn't come from my lips.

She rolled her eyes, tossing her hair over her shoulders and glaring at me. "Oh, don't be ridiculous. It's nothing."

"Where were you last night?"

"Out."

"With who?"

"The girls."

"Which girls, Jessica?"

"From work. No one you know," she snapped nastily. "What am I supposed to do? You're at that stupid bar half the night. Do you expect me to just sit here waiting for you? I'm young, Edward. Too young to sit in this stupid apartment and wait around for you."

"I'm _working_ at 'that stupid bar half the night' – and you don't mind that at all when you come in for free drinks! What the fuck, Jess? Who were you with?"

"Why do you even care?"

"You're my girlfriend! And you have a hickey on your neck! That I didn't put there!" I pinched the bridge of my nose, fighting against my rising temper. We were quickly about to descend into a screaming match, and I had to go back to "that stupid bar" in the next hour for another long shift. I was in no mood to get into it with Jessica.

_Would it be so hard for her to just say sorry for not coming home last night? Can't we just have afternoon make-up sex and get on with it_? I grumbled silently to myself, taking deep breaths while I waited for her to answer.

"I was just playing with one of the girls. Guys like to watch. They buy us drinks," she replied defensively. "And don't look at me like that, all accusing. _You_ like to watch, too. So don't start."

"I'm allowed to like to watch you, Jess! You're _my_ girlfriend! I don't want a whole bar staring at you." I grabbed her arm, pulling her to me before backing her against the wall. Her eyes flashed with excitement as I pinned her, a taunt ready on her lips. I didn't let her get it out. Instead I pressed my mouth to hers, kissing her savagely. When I pulled back, she was breathing heavily.

"If you need to go out tonight, come to the bar. It's a Wednesday. We shouldn't be that busy." I still had her shoulders in my grip, holding tightly. "I mean it, Jess. You didn't come home last night. It's not ok."

"Well, let me make it ok," she suggested, trailing her long nails down my chest and stopping at the button of my jeans. She flashed a wicked grin before popping the button open and pulling me back to her. I groaned and gave in, burying my hands in her hair as she wrapped her legs around my waist.

I didn't believe her about her neck; I believed she had been with someone else the night before, and not in an innocent girl-on-girl for show sort of way either. I believed that – again – Jessica had cheated on me. We had been together for years, both transplants from a tiny town in Washington to the big city on the East Coast. Jessica had turned up at NYU after being summarily ejected from Columbia. She insisted it was all a big misunderstanding, but the accusation was that her excellent scores in biology had a lot more to do with her extracurricular study with the TA rather than her test scores. Though we had bordered on hating each other in high school, once we had left Forks behind something changed. Things had been good, for a time. Jessica was easy to be with, and most of the time, easy to please.

But lately, though she had moved in with me, and said she supported my decision to leave NYU, she was frequently missing in the dead of night. I wasn't sure if there was one someone else…or a series of random someones. I had accused her several times, but without proof, I had to ignore my suspicions and forgive her; there was nothing to really forgive without proof, anyway.

Maybe I just didn't want to be alone. Maybe I was afraid of not having anyone at all, so I stayed with Jessica. Maybe it was just easy, because I'd been with her for so long; I didn't really have to try any more. Maybe I really was ok with her cheating on me – which deep down I knew she was – because those were the nights I came home to a quiet house.

Maybe I just really didn't like someone else playing with my toy.

We didn't make it any further into the apartment than that wall.

It was barely ten minutes later that Jessica unwrapped her legs from around me and slid down the wall, her chest heaving with the exertion. We were both covered in a light sheen of sweat and panting. "Thanks, baby. I needed that." She pressed a quick kiss against my bruised lips and picked her shorts up from the floor. "I'm going to take a shower."

I watched her walk away, remembering the days I would have followed her for a repeat performance against the cool tile. But I had no desire to follow. The episode against the wall had been satisfying enough, but I was left wanting; for what, I couldn't say. But I was almost certain I wasn't going to find it pressed up against the bathroom wall.

"Between the emotion and the response falls the shadow," I muttered as I pulled my jeans back over my hips. I banged my fist against the wall in frustration, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror hanging in the hall. My eyes were bloodshot, with deep purple bruises beneath them. My hair was an outright disaster, and though my cheeks were flushed with the exertion of fucking Jessica up against the wall, the rest of my skin was ghastly pale. It was the pallor of someone long accustomed to not seeing daylight.

_Maybe that's why I have T.S. Eliot in my head today. Depressing shit to go with my sad-sack appearance. _

I turned away from the mirror, disgusted by what I saw. Even when I had lived in Forks, the single rainiest place in all of the continental United States, my skin had had more color to it. My mother would have been horrified, and my sister would have immediately insisted on a tropical vacation. But neither of them would get the chance to see my current condition.

My mother had made her feelings about my life choices clear, and Alice was going to school on the other side of the country. She had been begging me to visit for months; while our parents were perfectly content to foot the bill for eight-hundred dollar shoes, Alice was expressly prohibited from buying a plane ticket to come and see me. And after what had happened with my decision to bartend for extra cash, Alice knew better than to try and find another way to come up with the money. My sister loved me dearly, but she didn't want to end up where I was. She meant well, and was far more diplomatic than my parents about it, but her disapproval hung heavy in her voice every time we talked.

So with our parents controlling her purse strings, and an eternally empty checkbook controlling mine, a visit wasn't going to happen anytime soon. We would have to make do with phone calls and emails. Alice and I were only a year apart, and we had been close for most of our childhood. I hated being away from her.

With a sigh, I turned away from the mirror and padded down the hall to my bedroom. I passed the open bathroom door, and noticed the shower running but no Jessica in sight. _Why is she letting the water run if she's not going to get in the damn shower?_ I thought irritably, the electric bill I had just paid fresh in my mind. _The whole damn bathroom is filled with steam. How hot does she have the water?_

Jessica sauntered out of the bedroom at that moment, completely naked. It was then I saw that the fresh bruise on her neck was not an isolated one; there were a series of small marks across her chest and abdomen.

"What the fuck?" I demanded, shoving one arm across the bathroom door to block her entrance.

"I walk around naked all the time, Edward. Chill out. Since when do you complain?"

"Since your entire body is covered in evidence of you cheating on me!" I seethed, narrowing my eyes into a glare. I knew I spent a good deal of time looking the other way when it came to Jessica's indiscretions, but when they were staring me in the face…

Jessica shrugged. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Can I get in the shower please? Kind of cold over here."

I was too stunned to answer. She took advantage of my silence, ducking under my arm into the bathroom. I heard the lock on the door click behind her, leaving me alone in the hallway, baffled.

"What the fuck just happened?" I muttered to myself, glaring at the closed bathroom door. I had accused my girlfriend of cheating on me, with the evidence in plain sight, and she had _shrugged?_

I shook myself out of my thoughts, heading for the bedroom to get dressed for work. _Don't have time for this shit,_ I grumbled silently as I rummaged through a laundry basket of clean clothes. _Ice-queen is going to kill me if I'm late again_.

Ignoring the latest Jessica problem, I quickly dressed for work. With her still in the shower, I opted to simply reapply my deodorant and some fresh cologne. Nothing good was going to come from me going into that bathroom.

"Stupid bitch," I mumbled as I grabbed my coat, tugging it on violently. I stepped back out into the cold to walk the four blocks to the bar, resisting the urge to mutter a string of curses as I replayed Jessica's apathetic reaction to my accusations. I lit a cigarette as I paused on the stoop, shoving my free hand into my pocket to keep warm. The temperature had dipped again and it smelled like snow was on its way. _Great, so people are going to stay home. The bar's going to be dead, I won't make any money, and the shrew will make the hours drag. Fucking awesome_.

"And this is the way the world ends," I quoted bitterly, shooting one final glare at my apartment before setting off into the night.

AN: This is the continuation of a one-shot originally written for the "Geekward Shuffle" contest. Bookgeek80 is my beta and I love her immensely.


	2. 2 Bad Girlfriend

Disclaimer: Edward doesn't belong to me. I just like to take him down a notch sometimes.

2. Bad Girlfriend

I hurried down the street toward the bar. My argument with Jessica had made me late again – mark number four in the tardy column. As I tried to ignore the rising dread of a certain berating, I considered that in a perfect world, I would just be walking out of my latest lecture, chatting with impressed and attentive students. I would have graduated early, and immediately been extended a coveted offer to join the graduate program. While I would spend nights slaving over my dissertation in a musty library, by day I would teach freshmen English as part of my fellowship. And they would all marvel at how smart I was, at how quickly I had accomplished so much.

"Let me also wear such deliberate disguises," I muttered bitterly, glancing down at my stained jeans. _Right, Edward,_ I continued on silently. _Keep quoting T.S. Eliot to yourself all day. Keep trying to prove to yourself you still have any connection at all to that world. That's really going to change the choices you've made._

Back in reality, the scent of stale beer hit me the second I entered the bar, closely followed by the glare of a mighty pissed of bartender. When it came down to it, it wasn't even a particularly _nice_ bar I had landed in; it was just the local dive that happened to have a lot of business.

"Edward! How nice of you to join me!" she seethed, taking two dangerously fast steps toward me, heels clicking against the tile floor. _Oh, shit,_ I panicked silently, watching as Bella's face flushed with anger. _She saw last night. She knows and I am _so_ fucked._ _Maybe if I don't panic, she won't say anything_. _Find a way to placate her. Oh, coffee!_

"Hi Bella. Can I get some coffee before the ass-tearing begins?" I flashed the crooked grin that worked so well on Jessica, hoping it would get her off my case. No such luck. Her brown eyes darkened, and her entire body went rigid. _If this is how the crooked grin goes over on every other woman, I really need to work on my game_, I thought sourly, waiting for the firestorm to descend.

"Need some extra coffee for the hangover? Tequila does do some nasty things to your head the next day, doesn't it?" she asked sweetly, rage pooling in her eyes. As she continued to glare at me, I couldn't help but think of her as a snake poised to strike. I knew it wasn't going to do me any good to argue with her, but I couldn't help myself.

"Listen, I can explain…" I began half-heartedly.

"Explain how you got drunk last night, while we were working, instead of being useful? How you're late, _again_? Are you going to tell me you had some stupid fight with your girlfriend? Because if you are, let me stop you. I don't care. I care about you doing your god-damned job, and I care about you being on time. Because I'm sick and tired of doing my job and yours." She rolled her eyes at me, slamming one hand down on the bar for emphasis. "Go get your fucking coffee. Grab me one while you're at it. And then get your ass back in here and do something useful. Got it?"

She didn't wait for an answer before turning her attention back to the bar. She had a case of beer ready to load into the fridges below, fridges I knew I should have stocked before going home the night before. With one quick move, she picked up the razor blade beside the box and savagely ripped through the cardboard.

Eyeing the blade nervously, I quickly ducked out the door to walk another two blocks to get coffee. I knew Bella would calm down while I was gone, now that the initial raging was over. When she was angry, it was like watching a bomb explode; a huge, devastating explosion, followed by an eerily calm aftermath.

It wasn't the first time she had greeted me in such a manner. And me being me, I knew it wouldn't be the last.

While I waited for our drinks at the local Starbucks, I grudgingly admitted to myself that I deserved Bella's wrath. The night before I had behaved like a complete idiot. Jessica had sent me a vague text message that I should not expect her at home, and then promptly refused to answer any of my calls or texts for the rest of the night. Instead of ignoring her like I should have, I had angrily pounded down a half-dozen shots of Patron when I thought Bella wasn't paying attention to me.

Turns out I was wrong.

I knew she wasn't mad I'd been sneaking the drinks; it was normal for us to have a drink (or three) on the house at the end of the night. Rich, the bar's owner, was an old retired cop who didn't seem to care much what we did, as long as the bar kept running. I half-wondered why he hadn't sold the place yet; it seemed that other than spending the afternoons drinking with his other retired cop friends, he wasn't around all that much.

Bella and I were his only bartenders. The bar was small, and closed on Mondays, which meant a six day work-week, but I had gotten used to the long hours. I was barely making enough as it was; I knew giving up another shift, no matter how tired I was, would be disastrous. I refused to call my parents asking for help; it would cement their opinion of me as an idiot with no future. I was sure any form of help would come with strings attached, and I was in no mood to be hustled back to Forks.

It also meant that I spent a lot of time with Bella – which under normal circumstances was a rather nice lot to find myself in. Bella was gorgeous; pale, creamy skin, long silky chestnut hair, and a smile that could do all sorts of things to me. She had a black sense of humor, and a sarcastic wit that kept me on my toes. The girl could drink me under the table, and look damn good doing it. Bella was the sort of girl I could only dream about being good enough for.

The problem? I was fairly certain she hated me.

Bella put up with me, and I knew it. She put up with me because she had to. On the nights I wasn't busy being a drunken fool, I held my own with the crowds. Sober, I was good at my job, and I knew it. Those nights, when we worked well together, those were the nights I got to see her smile, and if I was really lucky, hear her laugh. I looked forward to busy Saturday nights not for the increase in tips, but for the easy camaraderie a packed bar seemed to inspire from her.

Yep, pathetic.

By the time I got back to the bar with the coffees, Bella was nowhere to be seen. I set the green and white paper cups down on the bar before heading into the back room. I shrugged out of my coat as I went, stashing it in the office. Praying the snow would hold off, I ran my fingers wearily through my hair, avoiding the small mirror hanging on the wall beside the bathroom. With a deep breath, I shuffled back out to the bar.

Bella had reappeared and was bent over the bar with her back to me. She was wearing ridiculously high heels, and the angle she was bent at gave me an excellent view of her ass. Lately she had taken to wearing skinny jeans to the bar; the same skintight effect that worked so well on our male patrons was not lost on me. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to lock the doors and bend Bella right over the bar. Sometimes when I was wondering that, Bella would turn around and catch me…and then I would wonder how badly it could hurt to get stabbed with a stiletto heel.

Luckily Bella was too wrapped up in whatever she was doing to notice my ogling. I got myself quickly under control with a firm reminder that I had a perfectly hot girlfriend – even if she was a stupid bitch at times – as I walked around the opposite side of the bar to hand Bella her coffee; venti vanilla soy latte, add three shots (which for those of us counting, made six shots of espresso total). She would have several before the night was out. As far as I could tell, the girl had three addictions: work, coffee, and shoes.

Spotting me, she stood up suddenly, her hair falling around her shoulders. Warm chocolate eyes focused on me for an instant before turning cold again. "Thank you," she said, without a hint of warmth. "The kegs need to be changed."

"All of them?"

"Yes, Edward. All of them. Last night you said you'd get here early to take care of it. You didn't. So now you better hurry the fuck up." She scowled at me one final time before bending back down to the bar, where she was fiddling with the soda nozzle. I let myself fantasize for one long moment about what Bella would look like wearing her tight T-shirt if I soaked her with seltzer, before hurrying away.

_God dammit, Edward, did you do anything right last night?_ I chastised myself as I started back toward the stock room. Changing the kegs was my responsibility; with how heavy they were, I knew Bella would hurt herself trying to change them alone. I also knew it pissed her off that she needed my help, which wasn't helped by the fact that I had promised to take care of it. I vaguely remembered her hassling me about it the night before, and brushing her off with a "yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do it in the morning" retort. In my defense, I had been several shots into the Patron at that point.

My arms were aching by the time I got done switching out the empty kegs with fresh ones. I continued to ache throughout the night as business picked up. Bella worked beside me with hardly a word in my direction, though she had a smile for everyone else. Well, nearly everyone else…

It was after midnight when Jessica came slinking through the door, and I cringed as I remembered my earlier invite. She was wearing a miniskirt, over the knee boots, and a shirt – if it earned itself the title – that was black like the rest of her outfit. The front was masquerading as a regular, plain cotton T-shirt, but the back was one small silver chain across her shoulder blades. _She has to be drunk_, I told myself as I watched her stumble into the bar. _It's freezing outside and she's not wearing a coat. _

And then I noticed she had a guy with her. He wasn't wearing a coat either. _What the hell have they been doing all night?_ I wondered, feeling my temper begin to rise. _I froze my ass off walking here earlier, and the sun had _just_ gone down at that point. _

"Did your girlfriend just walk into _your_ bar looking like a hooker with another guy? And doesn't she know it's supposed to snow tonight?" Bella hissed in my ear; Jessica's appearance was apparently worth the effort of speaking to me. I glared at her for a long moment before directing my ire where it belonged. Sure enough, Jessica was sauntering up to the bar, tugging the blond guy behind her. There was something familiar about him, but it could have been that he looked like any other all-American guy. Blond, broad shouldered, tanned, effortlessly stylish. The guy belonged in an Abercrombie catalogue.

"Edward!" she squealed when she made it to the bar, elbowing her way through the crowd of paying customers. Thankfully, I barely heard her over the volume of the music. Bella had already stalked away to pour drinks, refusing to acknowledge Jessica. "You'll never guess who's visiting!"

I turned my gaze from her to the guy she was with. Our eyes met and I instantly recognized him: Mike Newton, Jessica's high school boyfriend. We had all grown up together in the rain-logged town of Forks, though I had been the only one to flee to the city immediately following graduation. Mike Newton had gotten a scholarship to play football at Washington State, but that was the last I had heard of him. What he was doing in my bar was beyond me. Though I had an increasing suspicion about where Jessica had really spent her evening.

"Newton." It was the only greeting he was getting.

"Hey, Eddie!" He reached forward, clapping me roughly on the shoulder. I bristled at the old moniker, memories of high school suddenly assaulting me. "Finally figured out how to get your nose out of a book, I see."

"Oh, he still has them all. Our apartment is filled with those dusty things!" Jessica wrinkled her nose, tossing her artificially blond hair over her shoulder. Her black rimmed eyes attempted to focus on me as her lips formed a smirk. "Edward, pour me a drink."

I stared at her for one long moment, weighing the pros and cons of doing as she bid. Showing up with another guy dressed like she was, it was an insult. My pride didn't appreciate insults. On the other hand, she had failed to come home the night before, which meant the only sex we had had was rushed up against a wall. It was unlike her to go missing two nights in a row…though with Mike in town, it was entirely possible.

Erring on the side of wanting to get laid, I turned and began mixing Jessica's drink. With the mood she was in, I knew it wasn't even worth bringing up her lack of winter attire. _Maybe she'll get sick and have to stay home for a few days. Maybe Newton will get bored and go back to Washington. What the hell is he even doing here anyway? _

Hoping to get her off my case – and more pliable – I filled the tequila sunrise with twice the required spirits. As she had failed to actually order a particular drink, she was getting whatever I damn well pleased. _A couple of these and she'll be just right,_ I smirked to myself, sticking a straw and several cherries in the glass. When I turned around, she was waiting. Mike was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Mike?"

"Sent him away," she said coyly, reaching for the drink. She took one long sip, her eyes flashing with mischief when she looked at me again. "Well, this is awfully strong. If I didn't know better, Edward Cullen, I would think you were trying to get me drunk."

"Maybe I am."

"That's my boy." She set the glass down, leaning across the bar and beckoning to me. As soon as I was close enough, she grabbed my face and pulled my mouth down on hers. Her tongue ran along my lips as we kissed, her kisses growing more passionate. She nipped lightly at my bottom lip as the cheers started, her hands running through my hair. When she finally pulled away, I was flushed and glad to be standing behind a bar that came to my waist.

"I think you should take a break," she whispered in my ear. Her teeth nipped once more at my earlobe before she pulled away. It was obvious she had been drinking before even entering the bar, her cheeks flushed and eyes bright. She grabbed her drink and started to down it, her eyes focused on me the entire time. A new song was starting on the stereo as she pounded back the drink. "You just come find me when you have time. Until then, I'd like another drink."

Grinning wildly, I quickly made her another, watching as she started off toward the enclosed patio, drink in hand. _Maybe that's where Mike went,_ I thought to myself with a smirk. If Jessica's plan was to parade Mike around in front of me to make me jealous, I refused to give in. Maybe she _had_ been with him the night before. Maybe she _had_ been with him before stumbling into my bar. But I knew she was going home with me.

Bella shot me her usual look of disgust when I looked over in her direction. I just shrugged, refusing to explain myself. Bella could act all high and mighty as much as she wanted, but Jessica wasn't going anywhere. She didn't judge my career choice, she didn't harp on me about going back to school, and she was phenomenal in bed. It was worth it to put up with her over-the-top personality and tendency to humiliate herself in public. I knew inviting her to the bar would only piss Bella off more, and my timing was pretty poor, but I brushed it off. Bella would get over it.

I spent the next hour hustling, working extra hard so I could use the excuse of needing a break. I don't know why I bothered; this was a fairly regular routine. Bella knew where I would be on my break, and she knew what I would be doing. She never said anything, just glared at me upon my return.

Which is exactly what she did when I returned a short time later, sweat still evident in my hair, and a flush to my cheeks. It was a hot inside the bar, and though we had been outside in the cold, I had quickly managed to work up a sweat with Jessica pressed up against the building. _She didn't mind one bit,_ I thought satisfactorily, revisiting the delicious moans she had exuded as I had slammed her into the bricks. Round three at home later in the evening was sure to delight. If hanging around with Mike continued to get her as hot and bothered as she was, I was just going to have to look the other way. It had been a long time since we had had sex more than once in a day, never mind having the potential for a third go-round.

"What?" I asked Bella as she continued to stare. By then it was nearly three in the morning, and the bar was finally starting to wind down for the night. I was pleased the snow hadn't kept everyone away. She nodded her head over my shoulder, her eyes fixated on something. I turned and mentally groaned. Jessica.

In the time it had taken me to get away from the bar preceding our alley rendezvous, she had downed several drinks, all equally strong. She was definitely drunk, though surprisingly still balancing fairly well on her heels. Mike Newton had his hand on her ass as they worked their way back toward the bar.

"Jessica," I began, infuriated, forgetting my earlier musing. Hot and bothered be damned, she was _my_ girlfriend. I grabbed her arm over the bar and pulled her close. "What the fuck is he doing?" Not mere moments ago, _my_ hands had been on Jessica's ass. My hands had been a lot of places on Jessica.

"Oh, he's just going to give me a boost."

"A boost?"

"Yeah!" The stereo switched songs again, the loud music pulsating through the speakers. "I want to dance," she announced, getting closer to me.

"Ok. There's a dance floor for that."

"Yeah, I know. I like the bar better." Before I could stop her, she was climbing atop the bar. In the background, the song hit the chorus and I smirked, watching Jessica try to get leverage. _She likes to shake her ass; she grinds it to the beat._ Jessica eventually got her footing, and with an entire bar's worth of male patrons now staring, proceeded to do just that.

I leaned back against the liquor shelves, refusing to look at Bella. She would just yell at me to get Jessica off the bar, but I didn't see the point in that. Jessica was clearly enjoying herself, and I was enjoying the view of her legs and ass. _Take that, Mike Newton,_ I mentally smirked. _That girl's going home with me. Not you. So just keep dreaming._

Jessica dipped low, exposing a bright red lace thong to the entire bar. Cheers and cat calls erupted, which only encouraged her further. I watched, mesmerized by the swivel of her hips. There was a fully clothed stripper atop my bar, and she would be in my bed in a few short hours. Moments like this made it worth all of her annoying habits.

As the song ended, Jessica turned to me, her face flushed with excitement. She slid down the bar, landing on my side of it. Taking two quick steps toward me, she pressed herself against the entire length of my body. Her hands roamed, one slipping up the back of my shirt to dig her nails into my back as she pressed her mouth hard against mine. She kissed me for one long moment, clearly enjoying the continuation of the attention she was receiving from the bar's patrons, before pulling away. "Hurry home and I'll make it worth it. Dancing's got me all worked up," she purred, grinding her hips into mine for one delightfully excruciating moment.

She was gone within seconds, much to my chagrin. I frowned when I realized that Mike Newton was gone as well. _If that asshole is in my apartment when I get home…_

Bella had seen the entire spectacle. Her arms were folded across her chest, her beautiful features drawn into a look of abhorrence. She didn't say a word, merely went back to pouring drinks. We ended up nearly hip to hip within moments, both reaching for the same draft beer.

"You do know what that song is called, right Edward?" Bella asked as she watched the amber liquid fill the glass I was holding. She had that tone to her voice that meant I was in for a very special piece of ice-princes wisdom.

"I have no idea."

"Bad Girlfriend."

AN: The song referenced in this chapter is from the original o/s, "Bad Girlfriend" by Theory of a Deadman. It's the same day as chapter one, so Edward is still obsessing over TS Eliot's "The Hollow Men."

Bookgeek80 is an awesome beta who tells me when I've nearly killed a poor sentence dead. If there are any above lingering on life-support, that's all me after she got her hands on it.


	3. 3 The Albatross

Disclaimer: I don't own Edward. I just made him a hung-over hot mess.

3. The Albatross

I awoke to the sound of the shower running, water rushing noisily through the pipes in the thin bedroom walls. My throat was on fire, and my tongue felt like a giant cotton ball shoved in my mouth. I started to sit up, only to quickly realize what a poor choice that had been, and immediately lay back down. Through barely-cracked eyes, I glanced out the window. It was pouring. I groaned, realizing that in addition to having a hang-over at work, I was going to be soaking wet by the time I walked the three blocks.

_Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink_, I quoted to myself, squeezing my eyes shut. I knew it was a bit melodramatic, but I was much too busy feeling sorry for myself to care. The kitchen seemed like it was leagues away, and though I usually had the bathroom as a half-way point for hung-over stumbling, Jessica was already in there. I wasn't above throwing up in front of her – it had happened before – but lately she had taken to locking the bathroom door. If I could have forced myself to care, that fact would have been the latest atop a steadily growing pile of suspicion.

I groaned as the previous night came rushing back to me. Though Jessica had urged me to hurry home, she had turned back up at the bar just as we were closing. If she had been drunk when she left earlier in the night, she was shit-faced when she staggered through the door. Mike Newton was nowhere to be seen.

Realizing that not only was she was drunk and still dressed like a hooker, but completely alone, I had flown into a rage. Jessica was a lot of things, but she _was_ my girlfriend; underneath all of our problems, a part of me still very much cared about her. What the fuck was wrong with Mike Newton? He had left her on the streets of Brooklyn, at that hour, in that state, by herself?

Ignoring Bella's disapproving glare, I'd propped Jessica up in one of the booths and rushed through the rest of my tasks. By the time I was pulling her to her feet, her eyes were barely open, and any attempt at words came out as nonsensical babble. I didn't say a word to Bella as I left, picking Jessica up as soon as we were outside the bar. Though I was already exhausted from a long night of work, I carried her home and put her to bed. I was horrified at what could have happened to her, and equally horrified that she had gotten into such a state on my watch. _If only I had made her drinks weaker_, I chastised myself, standing in the doorway as I watched her sleep.

Tugging at my hair in frustration, I had stalked back to the kitchen and found my favorite bottle of scotch, one of the last remaining vestiges of my former bourgeois lifestyle. At moments like that, I didn't want to deal with Jessica anymore. I cared about her, but I had long ago come to realize we were basically just friends who had sex. Any romantic feelings I had once had for her were long gone.

I was growing tired of her antics. Sure, I had gotten my party on when I arrived in New York, and yes, I still drank more than I knew I should, but I had mostly moved on from partying every night. Jessica hadn't. It made our life together difficult. She found me boring; I found her childish.

I had grabbed a glass, filled it with ice, and poured myself a liberal serving of scotch. With a wince, I'd downed the contents after staring at it for a few moments. My throat had burned as the liquor went down, and I immediately poured another. I had repeated the action until my cheeks started to flush, and my arms felt weak. Feeling a good drunk coming on, I had stumbled back to bed.

Which is why when I finally woke up at around noon the next day, I wavered between wanting to run to the nearest toilet to be sick...and never moving again. I cracked my eyes only long enough to glance out the window, and see rain slide down the windows. Finding no reason to keep my eyes open, I snapped them shut and prayed for sleep to find me once again.

As I listened to the water race through the pipes, I wondered how I was the one with the massive hangover, and Jessica was the one already in the shower. _Where does she have to be, anyway? _Jessica had graduated in December, and though it was nearly April, she had yet to find a job. Any job, even though there were thousands – if not hundreds of thousands – of restaurants in any of the five boroughs. Not to mention, with a degree in communications, even if her final GPA bordered on failure, there were more than enough firms in the area that she should have been able to find _something_.

But looking for a job would mean that Jessica's regular schedule of partying with her friends and coming home wasted (if she came home at all) would have been interrupted. The closest she had ever gotten was a temp agency, and that was after considerable badgering on my part.

She lasted a week before she was shown the door. I was nearly certain she had done everything in her power to guarantee that particular outcome for herself.

_I should have put my foot down a long time ago_, I thought wearily, squeezing my eyes shut against the spinning ceiling. The night before, I had been consumed with guilt over the terrible things that could have happened to Jessica, and I had blamed myself for her drunken state. But as I lay in bed, fighting both the spins, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe it was time to stop trying to save her. If I was honest with myself, I had been trying for years, and all it had gotten me was enough guilt to strangle myself with. _I'd like to march into that bathroom and strangle _her, I thought darkly. _She's lucky I'm too hung-over to bother. That girl makes me crazy. _Sometimes, I truly believed life would be easier without her.

_Instead of the cross, the Albatross about my neck was hung_. I groaned, grabbing Jessica's pillow and clamping it down over my head. The sound of the water rushing through the pipes seemed loud enough to be Niagara Falls dumping down on my head. I took a deep breath, and was instantly inundated with the smell of Jessica's perfume. _Did she dump the whole bottle on this thing?_ I wondered, ripping the pillow off of my face and throwing it down to the floor. _Why does her pillow even smell like perfume, anyway? Can't it just smell like her shampoo? _

The noise suddenly stopped and I breathed a sigh of relief. I had to be at the bar for four, so with any luck I could sleep off the remainder of my hangover before facing Bella. In my rush to get Jessica home, there was bound to be something I had forgotten to do. I rolled over, away from the window, and tried to ignore the weak light trying to filter through the gray clouds and dirty windows.

"What's wrong with you?" Jessica demanded loudly as she entered the room. I cracked my eyes back open to shoot her a nasty look; her voice was purposefully loud and I knew it. She walked over to the closet, wrapped in a towel with her wet hair dripping rivulets down her shoulders. "Don't you, like, have to go to work or something?"

_How is she not even a little hung-over? Has the girl turned into an alcoholic while I wasn't paying attention? I was half-afraid she had alcohol poisoning last night! Does she drink like that all the time now? And she accuses me of spending too much time in a bar..._

"Not until four," I moaned aloud, tugging the blankets up to my chin. I desperately wished she would go away. "I just want to go back to sleep."

"Need your beauty rest for Bella?"

"What?"

"Bella. That bartender you work with. The one who, ya know, stares at you at you all the time?"

"Stares at me? Are you kidding, Jess? The only time Bella even looks at me is when she's thinking about the best way to kill me." Visions of Bella's über -sharp stilettos popped into my mind, and I had to bite my cheek to keep from grinning.

"Whatever Edward. You're clearly lying, but that's fine. Just, ya know, the next time you fucking accuse me of shit, maybe go look in the mirror. You're clearly obsessed with her. I know there's something going on," she continued, turning her back to me and looking into our closet; it was nearly bursting with her clothes, while mine were relegated to the back corner.

"There is nothing going on with Bella. I don't even know where you're getting this shit from!" I sat up quickly, which I regretted as soon as the room began to spin again. Rubbing my temples, I took a deep breath. "This is ridiculous. Just because you were doing God knows what with Mike last night, that doesn't mean you get to accuse me..."

"Like you even fucking care what I was doing with Mike last night!" she snapped, cutting me off. "Give me a fucking break, Edward. I came to see you last night. And you ignored me, just listening to whatever _Bella_ told you to do. I basically told you I was horny, and then I left with another guy, and you did nothing! I wanted you to come home, Edward! I wanted you, just once, to act like you fucking care!" she shouted at me, spinning around with one hand on her hip and the other holding the towel up.

I stared at her, shocked into silence. What was I supposed to tell her? I'm sorry I didn't bail on my job for you? For no reason other than you have some ludicrous jealousy problem about a girl who's never given me a second thought?

_There passed a weary time. Each throat was parched, and glazed each eye. A weary time! A weary time!_

Coleridge's poem echoed in my head again, reinforcing the sense of tedium that had settled upon my shoulders that morning. It wasn't the first time Jessica had complained about the hours I worked. I opened my mouth to speak, but found I had nothing to say. Instead I watched as her face slowly crumpled, while I remained silent.

I had considered apologizing and trying to make nice; it was obvious some kind of insecurity had taken hold of her while I hadn't been paying attention. But then I decided that all I had been doing for the last four years had been catering to her every whim. I was tired of it. Jessica had come home marked up from her various liaisons, and done everything she could to rub them in my face. Meanwhile, while I would admit to fantasizing about Bella, absolutely nothing was going on. And nothing ever would.

And why was that? Because Bella was the type of girl I could only dream about. She was smart and gorgeous, with a clear idea of what she was doing with herself. I knew that bartending was not a life-long venture for her; the bar was a means to some greater end. I had no idea what that end was, but there was just something about Bella that wouldn't allow me to believe she didn't have bigger plans.

Not that I would ever be a part of those plans, or even know anything about them, because Bella hated me. And why did Bella hate me? My own poor decisions had plenty to do it with, but a lot of them revolved around Jessica. Bella hated when Jessica came into the bar. Bella despised women like Jessica in general; Bella was tough as nails, and didn't need anyone to hold her up. Bella abhorred making a spectacle of herself, which Jessica tended to do each and every time she walked through the bar's doors.

And I just let it go on.

I blushed as I remembered Jessica, scantily clad on top of the bar, causing a scene the night before. I should have been horrified by her behavior; I should have yanked her down off that bar the second she tried to get on it. I should have gotten my coat from the back room, wrapped her in it, and paid the cabbie extra to make sure she got into the apartment. Instead, I had sat back and watched as she made a complete ass out of herself – watched, as an entire bar's worth of men blatantly stared at my girlfriend.

"Where is all of this coming from?" I finally asked, studying her as I awaited a response. Our relationship had been steadily going downhill over the last year, and the night before had been fairly typical of late. _Why now?_ I was suspicious Mike Newton's reappearance had a lot to do with it.

"You don't care anymore," Jessica said matter-of-factly, turning away from me. It wasn't a question. She reached for a pair of jeans and one of my old NYU sweatshirts, dressing with her back to me. It irked me that she was essentially breaking up with me, but she chose to wear my clothes anyway. Maybe she didn't really mean it?

"That's not true," I replied instantly, forcing myself to stand. The room swayed as I made my way over to the closet, pulling her into my arms. "You have no idea how horrified I was when you came into the bar last night like that."

"You were horrified I came to see you?" she snapped bitterly, fighting to get out of my arms. "You're un-fucking-believable."

I tightened my grasp on her, sighing heavily. "No, Jess. Let me finish. I couldn't believe that idiot let you out of his sight. I wanted to take you home and put you to bed. I was terrified something could have happened to you."

"I'm a big girl." She pushed me away, bending into the closet in search of a pair of shoes. "I wasn't even that drunk last night."

"Are you kidding me? You could barely keep your eyes open!"

"I was faking it." The words slammed into me with a sudden shock of disbelief. She turned around, her rain boots in hand. Without bothering to look at me, she shoved her feet into the boots and grabbed her purse. "I wanted to see what you would do. I wanted you to take me home, Edward. I wanted you to make sure I was ok. I wanted you to remind me of all the reasons I fell in love with you. And you know what you did? You propped me up in some sticky booth while you did what _Bella_ wanted you to. You didn't even notice when I spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. And then when we finally did come home, you drank half a bottle of scotch instead of staying in bed with me. What if I really had been that drunk? What if I had alcohol poisoning? What if I threw up in my sleep but no one was there to know it? What if I really was that drunk, and I was the hung-over one today? What if just fucking once, Edward, just once, I wanted you to wake up and take care of me? You wouldn't have. Why? Because you're a hung-over mess yourself. And if you expect me to take care of you this morning, you are so fucking wrong."

"I can't even begin to explain the ways in which this is fucked up," I snapped back at her, sitting down on the edge of the bed while she rummaged through her bag. "I _carried_ you the three blocks home! And the bar is my job. I have to do what she says. It's not like you'd been shot! You were drunk, Jess. It's a bar. We see drunk people all the time. I knew you were fine. I knew you just needed to sleep it off. For fuck's sake, you just admitted you weren't even really that drunk! I need this job. Without it, I can't pay the rent. And without paying the rent, which by the way you haven't contributed to in months, we don't have a place to live."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Edward, just call your goddamn parents and admit you fucked up! Admit that you should have stuck it out with college, and that you're miserable here! Why do you think I haven't gotten a job? I don't want to stay here! I want to go back to Washington! I sure as shit don't want to live my entire life in Forks, but I dreamed of Seattle, not fucking Brooklyn! Seattle, where people have their shit together, and there aren't broken beer bottles in the street and the smell of stale pot in the hallways! We could afford a nicer apartment! I could get a job! We could have a _life_, Edward. But you don't want that, do you?"

"You've always told me you supported my decision to leave school," I said stiffly, ignoring the way her words had slammed into me._ All this time, I just thought she was lazy. It didn't even occur to me that she might want to leave Brooklyn. She never said anything..._

"I lied. I thought, ya know, maybe if I just stood by you, you would get this thing out of your system. You still read all these books, and you mumble quotes from literature I've never so much as heard of, but you insist on staying in that fucking bar. There's no good reason for it, Edward! Bella is the only thing keeping you here. Admit it. It's not me, it's _her_. Her and that fucking bar." She took a deep breath, leaning back against the dresser as she turned to face me. "I want to go home, Edward. Seeing Mike only reinforced that." She nodded her head toward the windows, the rain pouring down the dirty glass. "This is so fucking stupid, but I miss the rain. It doesn't rain enough here."

"So you want to go home with Newton?" I finally asked her, raising my eyes to hers.

"I've spent years wanting to go home with you. I'm at the point where I don't want to wait anymore."

"That's not an answer."

"Yes, Edward. I want to go home. And Mike is going there. We talked. And he's really grown up and..."

"Grown up? Bullshit. He left you, drunk and half-naked in the freezing cold, to wander around Brooklyn!"

"He dropped me off at the bar and went back to his hotel."

"So that's it?"

She took a deep breath and nodded. I could see the tears welling in her eyes from across the room, but I made no move to get up from the bed. I expected the revelation to hurt more, but I felt nothing...nothing that I expected a breakup to cause, anyway. Mostly I was angry at being lied to, and angry that Jessica was beating me to the breakup speech. It was true that a tiny part of me mourned the end of a relationship that had once been a happy, high point of my life – but that was a long time ago.

"I just can't do this anymore, Edward. I miss you. The real you. The one I fell in love with. I know I'm not that smart, ok? But you are. You're one of the smartest people I've ever met. And you're wasting it. You used to be so close to your mom. How long has it been since you've talked? A year? Two years? You haven't even seen your sister in over a year because of this shit." She grabbed her keys, taking a step toward the door. "I'm going to make arrangements to go back to Washington. I'll move back in with my parents while I look for an apartment in Seattle." She sighed heavily, stopping at the door to look back over her shoulder at me. "I would love nothing more than for you to be on the flight back to Seattle with me, Edward. But I don't expect you to be."

She slipped out the door without another word, and I heard the front door close behind her moments later. I debated going after her, but didn't bother when I realized I had nothing to say. Besides being locked into a lease and not having the money for a plane ticket, I flat out didn't want to go back to Washington – and certainly not because Jessica had decided to give me an ultimatum.

"Fuck!" I cursed loudly, falling back against the pillows. Outside, the rain pounded relentlessly against the glass. It _did_ remind me of Forks. A part of me missed Washington; I missed how green everything was, and I missed the rain. Jessica was right. It was stupid to miss the never-ending rain, but I did. I missed a lot of things.

More than anything, I missed the person I used to be. I missed feeling intelligent, and accomplished. I missed feeling like I was working toward something, like there was a goal in sight. Working at the bar, well, it paid the bills, but part of Jessica's rant had rung true. I had been slipping down into a hole of despair for years.

_Maybe I should go back to Washington. Say 'fuck it' and skip out on the lease. Jess might put the plane ticket on her credit card for me_, I pondered, closing my eyes and burying my face in my pillow. _Or maybe I should at least call Mom. Maybe then I could see Alice. Or maybe I should call Alice. She always knows what to do._

I sighed, fighting for sleep. I knew the better idea would be to call my sister; Alice had an uncanny knack for knowing exactly what to say and when to say it. She would tell me what I needed to hear, and she would help me deal with the Jessica mess.

If I wanted to lie to myself, I could try to convince myself that Jessica leaving was a shock, that it hurt. But it didn't. And the fact that it didn't hurt, other than the sting of rejection, simply proved to me that I had no business returning to Washington. Not now at least. Not to follow Jessica and give her the hope that I was going home _with_ her, _for_ her. I had to get my life together before I called my parents and asked for help; I had to show them that my life was something other than a complete train wreck.

And I couldn't just walk out on Bella and the bar.

_At first it seemed a little speck, and then it seemed a mist; it moved and moved, and took at last a certain shape, I wist. _I groaned, pulling the blankets over my head. Now that Jessica had thrown our problems on the table, I couldn't escape any of them. I knew a certain amount of what she had said was true, and that was the worst part. I didn't think I could ever have Bella, but it was impossible to deny how badly I wanted her. If I had been given the chance to cheat on Jessica with Bella, I would have taken it; that in itself was nearly as bad as cheating.

In that moment, I wished for a lot of things. I wished for the endless forest surrounding Forks, forest I could lose myself in for hours when life got to be too much. I wished for the wide open road, the endless expanse of the 101 as I whipped my Volvo around the turns. But most of all, I wished for my piano. Sitting in the middle of my parents' wide open living room in Forks, with an entire wall made of glass overlooking the river, I could sit behind the keys for hours and lose myself; I wished for the release of music instead of the endless thoughts spinning through my head.

"I can't fucking deal with this," I muttered aloud, throwing back the blankets. I staggered to the bathroom, grabbed a Tylenol PM to kill my headache and help me sleep, and fell back into bed. As my eyes slid closed, I set an alarm on my cell phone and gave into the blissful blackness.

AN: Edward is oh-so-melodramatically quoting "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Samuel Coleridge.

Bookgeek80 is an awesome beta who regularly tells me when I suck. And I love her for it.


	4. 4 Unclean Slate

Disclaimer: Edward doesn't belong to me or Bella. Only one of those has a chance of changing.

4. Unclean Slate

I flicked the lighter irritably, the wind blowing the flame out for perhaps the fourth or fifth time in a row. I let loose a growl of frustration, ignoring Jessica's eye roll. She huffed a sigh, cupping her hands around the flame as I tried again.

"You really should quit," she said quietly as the tobacco finally caught. I glanced at her as I drew the smoke down into my lungs, and was momentarily shocked by what I saw in her expression. The rain had changed to snow after the sun had set, and the flakes were clinging to her eyelashes. Dressed casually in a pair of jeans with a sweatshirt under her coat, she wore no makeup and her hair loose. Her cheeks were flushed with the cold, and when our eyes locked, she gave me a tiny smile that reached all the way up to her light blue eyes. It had been a long time since Jessica had looked at me with such tender concern.

It made my heart ache for what had once been.

_Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky like a patient etherized upon a table. _

I had T.S. Eliot stuck in my head again, and his bittersweet words swept through my thoughts as I turned down the block toward our apartment. We could pretend all we wanted that it was just a beautiful, romantic stroll home, but I knew better. I let Jessica take my free hand anyway, wrapping her gloved fingers through mine with a squeeze. My feelings were still hurt that she had threatened to walk out on me, but I was tired and wanted to feel her warmth against me. After we had gone a block, I gave in with a sigh, putting my arm around her waist and drawing her close.

We walked in silence, the streets themselves hushed under a blanket of snow. I watched as the flakes accumulated on my charcoal pea coat, the dark wool gathering a thin layer of snow.

"Do you remember the summer after freshman year?" Jessica asked out of the blue, her voice low and tone nostalgic.

"You mean the summer of slave labor repainting my parents' house?" I asked with a chuckle, glancing down at her. I wondered why she was bringing it up now. That summer represented everything we had lost in our relationship over the last year.

"Yeah, for you." She snuck a peek up at me, sticking her tongue out before letting her eyes slide shut. "I was just thinking about it. The way the snow looks in your hair...you spent that entire summer covered in white paint." She laughed, tugging on my hand to stop me midway down the final block.

I shivered in the cold, curious as to why she wanted to stay out in the snow longer than we had to. My legs ached from standing all night, and I was ready to collapse into bed. I was still puzzled as to what Jessica was doing, walking me home from the bar in the first place, but I was too tired to question it. "I just...that was such a good summer," she said hesitantly, almost as if she didn't want to admit to the memory. With a heavy sigh, she buried her face in my chest. Her behavior made me wonder what exactly awaited me at our apartment.

"It was," I agreed, resting my chin against her forehead as she leaned forward to wrap her arms around me. Over her head, I took another long drag on my cigarette, watching as the snowflakes died against the red-hot cherry on the end. We stood quietly for a long moment, lost in thought.

Jessica and I had only been dating for a few weeks when the spring semester had ended. We had both been living in the dorms, and when summer came had boarded flights back to Forks. I was looking forward to having my own bedroom again, spending time with my Volvo – and my sister. Jessica was determined to keep the fact that we were dating quiet; it was never a secret how thoroughly we despised each other in high school, and neither of us wanted to deal with the questions. We had instead planned to meet in secret, figuring there would be plenty of free time.

We had spent the first half of the summer sneaking off once the sun set, driving to Port Angeles, or down to the beach. Once in a while, I would sneak into her first floor bedroom after her parents had gone to bed, crawling in through the window while she giggled. I always tried so hard to be smooth, but often caught my foot on her curtains and went tumbling down with a thud. It only made her giggle all the more furiously. But I grew tired of it; I missed her during the week, and Alice was beginning to slowly drive me insane. She knew there was a girl, and had been annoyed when I had refused to answer her pestering questions. Instead, I had suggested to Jessica that she should stop by one day during the week in late July. If my parents asked, we were going to school together now back in New York, and thought we'd grab a cup of coffee together back home over the summer. I had planned to just let Alice figure it out on her own, and hopefully avoid the barrage of questions.

I made sure Alice was around when I expected Jessica to arrive, and my plan had worked more effectively than I could have hoped. She had happened to be watching when Jessica's red Jetta came down the drive, and had known from the moment Jessica stepped out of the car. She told me later that there was an expression on my face when the sun hit her face that Alice had never seen before. She begrudgingly gave me her blessing – on the one condition that I couldn't stop her from telling Jessica exactly how she felt about her, if she behaved anything like she had in high school. I had begrudgingly agreed, knowing that a part of Alice had still been bitter over Jessica's treatment of me in high school.

We spent the rest of the summer being a happily cliché couple. I spent all of my free time with her, perfectly content just to be together. We lounged in my bedroom, listening to music and talking for hours. We could spend an entire afternoon in my parents' living room; I would play the piano, and Jessica would lie on the couch, talking quietly to me while I played. We took long drives through the Olympic forest on the rare sunny days, the sunroof of my Volvo open to make the most of the weather.

I fell for her that summer – and I fell hard.

"That was a really good summer," I repeated as the snow fell around us with a whisper. I had still been doing well in school that summer, and Jessica had been easily accepted by my parents. By the time we had come back to New York, we had been inseparable.

"What happened to us, Edward?" she asked softly, leaning back in my arms. Her eyes were glassy from the unshed tears pooling behind her thick eyelashes. "We were so happy that summer."

"We were kids," I replied bitterly, my eyes darting around the dark street. "C'mon, Jess, let's get inside. It's late." I released her, and stabbed out my cigarette against the brick wall before I started to walk back toward the apartment.

I was halfway down the block when I realized the only thing behind me was the street. _Streets that follow like a tedious argument_, I thought wearily to myself, turning around to face her. She was standing right where I had left her, staring down the block after me. "Jess!" I called, motioning for her to join me. "C'mon, you'll get sick! We can watch the snow from inside!"

She started to walk toward me, but there was a set to her shoulders that spelled trouble. "I'm tired of watching," she said cryptically as she got closer. "I'm tired of watching everyone else move on with their lives, Edward. I want us to move on. New York has been fun and all, but I'm ready for a real life. I want to go home."

"It's just another block," I replied, blatantly ignoring the fact that I knew she meant Washington, not our apartment. I didn't like the tone her voice had taken, or the sudden shift from happy memories to bitter retorts.

"That's not what I mean and you know it." She brushed past me, her steps long and purposeful as she strode toward our apartment. The leisurely pace we had been walking at was gone, and now she seemed just as anxious to get inside as I was – but I knew her motivations were nothing like mine. I shivered, watching the snow fall for a long moment before starting after her.

I still lagged behind as we entered the apartment, watching blankly as she flung her coat down on the chair beside the door. I almost tripped over one of her suitcases as I shuffled through the front door, too lost in my thoughts to mind my feet.

"You're leaving already?" I asked stupidly, staring at the suitcases by the door. I blinked rapidly, hoping I was imagining the sight in front of me. "We had a fight, Jess. We've had fights before. Can't we...can't we talk about this? Even a little?" My chest ached with the sting of her rejection, the beat-up leather bags seemingly representing my own failures.

"What is there to talk about?" she asked tiredly, her hands shoved awkwardly in her pockets. "I told you, Edward, I can't do it anymore. I want to go home. I want you to come with me. But I don't think you will. The longer I stay, the harder it's going to be to leave. If you aren't going to come with me now, you never will."

"Why does it have to be today? I can't just break the lease, Jess."

"Your parents would cover the cost if they knew you were coming back to Washington."

"Please don't start with that again."

"They're your family!"

"Jess..." I warned, not liking the direction our conversation heading. "Please don't do this. It's late. I'm exhausted. I don't want you to go. Can we please talk about this? Preferably in the morning?"

I didn't even know why I was fighting with her. I didn't even really want _her_ that badly, but the sight of the suitcases piled by the door pulled on my heart. I ached, and I didn't know why. But I knew that I wanted it to stop.

Crossing the hall to where she stood, I pulled her into my arms and leaned down to kiss her gently. She sighed against my lips, returning the kiss after a moment. "We shouldn't do this. It's just going to make it worse. You know we're not working. We haven't been for awhile."

"Tomorrow, Jess. We'll deal with it tomorrow. I just want to be with you right now."

"It is tomorrow."

"The sun hasn't risen."

"But the date has changed."

"Semantics."

"Why do you even want me to stay?" she demanded suddenly, tilting her head back to focus her intense stare on me. "I want one good reason, Edward. Not a half-assed one. A real one."

"I want you to."

"That doesn't count."

"I'll miss you."

"Why will you miss me?"

"Because I like having you here."

"You like having _someone_ here, Edward. Why do you want _me_ to be here? One reason. One good reason, and I'll stay." She held my gaze for another long moment before looking down at the floor. I was glad she looked away; I knew I didn't have an answer. Everything that came to mind was bullshit, and I knew it. Telling her that she made me happy, or telling her that I enjoyed her company, neither of them were good reasons; neither of them had anything to do with who Jessica was.

"I thought you were leaving to be with Newton. I thought he was going to give you everything you wanted," I spat, trying a different tactic.

Still refusing to look at me, she sighed heavily. "I only said that because I was angry. This isn't about Mike. This is about you, and me, and you not even having one good reason to keep me here. Even after our fight this morning should have reminded you of all the reasons you want me here, you have none."

"Please just kiss me," I finally said when I could think of nothing else to say, tilting her chin up so our eyes met again. A part of me knew it was pointless; a part of me knew I was clinging to a sinking ship, and that the harder I held on, the surer I was to drown. But our relationship – crumbling and failing – it was all I had left. I couldn't just abandon it.

Jessica let me lead her to our bedroom. We undressed each other slowly, and I knew that with each touch, and with each kiss, it was our last. We came together knowing that it was one final salute to what we once had – but would never have again.

When it was over, she fell asleep quickly, her breaths deep and even. She knew she had made the right choice; it was obvious in all of her actions. I knew my failure to give her a good reason had only reinforced the decision. But I lay awake, consumed with my own worries.

_When did I get to be such a hopeless mess? When did it all go down the shitter?_ I asked myself, watching the play of shadows the falling snow made against the ceiling. _I've fucked it all up by myself_, I thought, my hands tightening into fists of frustration. I sighed, carefully getting out of bed so I wouldn't disturb Jessica. Pulling on my underwear, I padded into the living room and stood before the window, watching the snow fall.

"'And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, and in short, I was afraid,'" I whispered, wrapping my arms around myself as the drafty windows creaked. If I let my eyes slide shut, I could practically see the grinning demon mocking my failings. I knew that was where the root of my problems lay. I didn't want Jessica to stay. I knew we were over, and I knew it was unfair to her to continue to perpetuate our failed relationship. I just didn't want to be alone; I didn't want to have to come home to an empty apartment, and face all my other failures. It was bad enough I had to face them at work.

I had been late for my shift earlier that night – again. After setting my alarm, I had let the Tylenol PM knock me out completely. I had woken up at quarter past four, my alarm blaring in my ear. I had cursed, dressed, and flown down the street. Already late, I had dashed past the bar and directly into Starbucks. My hope had been that if I showed up late, but with coffee already in hand, maybe Bella would take it easy on me. I had hoped that the snow swirling around me would give me some leeway on being so late.

Yet when I had walked into the bar, I had been shocked to find Bella laughing, her entire demeanor relaxed. She had had a pile of fruit and a cutting board before her, and a delivery guy was sitting at the bar. I had inched forward, hoping that her good mood would keep her from going off on me. Wordlessly, I had placed her coffee down beside her and gone into the back to get rid of my coat. When I had come back out with a case of beer to put in the fridges, she was carefully cutting up peaches while chatting with the delivery guy. I watched the knife flash through the air in her capable hand, the metal glinting off the dim lights of the bar.

_Do I dare to eat a peach?_ I had thought to myself with a small smile while eyeing the pile of peaches on Bella's cutting board. . _If you can't stop quoting T.S. Eliot, you might as well ask Bella for that knife so you can slit your wrists and just get it over with_, I had told myself with a firm mental slap. _So you and Jess had a fight. Big deal. You've fought before. She'll get over it_. _If she's not home when you get there, she'll turn up in the morning. She always does._ For a brief moment, I had considered stealing a piece of the fruit; my drugged sleep – and subsequent lateness – had prevented me from eating dinner. But instead, I had shaken my head at myself at the thought, and started pulling the older beer to the front of the cooler

If only getting the poem out of my head were as simple as ridding the back of the fridge of old beer. Bella had simply ignored the coffee I had set down on the bar beside her, just as she had ignored me. I had spied on her as she continued to chop up fruit, unable to stop torturing myself. The delivery guy was new, and he was young – twenty-two at the most by my guess. The stitching on his shirt had revealed his name to be Jacob, and I had hated him on the spot. He had been joking with Bella, waving his hands around as he told her some ridiculous story about a man he had seen on the subway.

_The subway is full of idiots_, I had seethed, watching as Bella had merrily laughed at the story. _How come I can't ever make her laugh like that? She won't even give me the time of day to tell her stupid stories. Who the hell is this kid? Doesn't he have other bars to deliver to?_

The answer had evidently been no. I had overheard him telling Bella moments later that the snow had caused some bars to close up shop early; a number of his local deliveries had opted to just wait until the next day.

Bella had looked especially beautiful as she had tossed her hair over her shoulder, laughing loudly at another of the delivery guy's lame jokes. I had steadily grown more furious as I had watched their interaction, trying to distract myself by pouring beers for the few regulars hiding out from the storm at the bar. I had known it was going to be a slow night by the way the snow had been swirling on my walk in, but I hadn't counted on having to watch Bella pour her affections all over some idiot.

He was too young for her, and too plain. Sure, he had exotic-looking almond skin, and dark hair, and he had been grinning at her like she was responsible for the earth continuing to spin, but he just wasn't good enough. Bella was a mythical creature come to life; she was a smart, sexy, gorgeous woman you could take home to Mom.

_I have seen the mermaids singing, each to each. I do not think they will sing to me_. I had sighed, turning away from them and sipping on my own coffee as I had leaned against the bar. I had grabbed a newspaper one of the afternoon regulars had left on the bar, and set about trying to complete the crossword puzzle. At least it would give me a good excuse to do something other than be painfully aware of being ignored. It wasn't entirely unusual for Bella to have a friendly chat with a customer, but her behavior had been way beyond friendly.

The night had dragged. Eventually delivery guy had finally left, but that hadn't stopped Bella from ignoring me. Her coffee had continued to sit exactly where I had left it on the bar, though she had left twice to make a run to Starbucks herself. It had sat, silently blaring like the loudest siren each time I had walked by it, reminding me that I had reached a brand new level of fuckery. It was unlike Bella to give me the silent treatment, and even more unlike her to stay mad for hours. It had unsettled me more than any of her raging ever had before. Feeling like I was walking on eggshells for the entire night, I had been jumpy and anxious. I had broken more glasses last night than I had in months.

The snow had kept a lot of people away. Bella had informed me that we were going to close at midnight, the only words she had spoken to me for the entirety of the evening. I had pulled my phone out to let Jessica know I would be home early, sending a quick text. I hadn't believed her when she had stalked out that morning, and had fully expected to find her at home upon my return.

Instead, she had shown up at the bar right before midnight. "Hi," she had said quietly, taking a seat at one of the stools as she watched me wash glasses. "I thought I would walk you home." The snow was melting in her hair, and her lips were deep red against her pale skin. I had nodded, turning around to put the glasses away. I had also wanted to hide my expression from her; in the middle of a fight, I hadn't wanted her to see how touched I was by the gesture.

Jessica had stayed out of the way, playing a game on her cell phone as she waited for me on her bar stool. I had been puzzled by her behavior; the girl was the queen of mixed signals. She had basically told me she was leaving me that morning, only to leave the house wearing my clothes; she had told me she wanted nothing to do with me, but showed up in the middle of the night to walk home with me in the snow. It didn't add up.

Once I had finished the last of my closing duties, I headed for the office to grab my jacket. Bella had been counting the nightly deposit, and looked up suddenly when I opened the door. "Tell your girlfriend this isn't her fucking living room," she had snapped, flicking one hand dismissively in my direction as I pulled my coat on. "There's no reason for her to be here all the damn time."

"She's not hurting anyone," I had protested quietly, mumbling the words half under my breath. I knew I was already on Bella's shit list, and I didn't want to make it worse.

"Not tonight. I don't want her in my bar anymore. She causes too much trouble." Bella had risen to her feet, and was glaring up at me. It hadn't mattered that she was several inches shorter than I was; her glare had been fearsome all the same. "I mean it, Edward. I'm tired of it. The bar is all scratched to hell from her stunt the other night."

"I'm sorry. I'll pay to have it fixed."

"That's completely unnecessary. All I asked was that you get her the hell out of here."

"She's just waiting for me. We're about to leave."

"You live three blocks from here. You're a big boy. I'm sure you know the way."

I had glared at her, my own temper beginning to flare. The office was tiny, and we had already been standing close. I had taken another step toward her, her seething anger hitting me like an electric shock. "We're about to leave. She's trying to do something nice."

"Oh, because it was really nice to show up here with some other man last night dressed like the corner whore?"

"What's it to you?" I had demanded, taking yet another step closer to Bella. To my complete surprise, she had backed away from me. She had never backed away from me. Our eyes had locked and hers were crackling with fury.

"I don't fucking want her here. And right now, I don't fucking want you here. Get out," she had snapped, pointing toward the door. Her glare had burned with hatred, and I had given up. I had simply walked out of the office without another word, put a smile on my face, and collected Jessica before heading out into the night.

"'That is not what I meant at all. That is not it, at all,'" I muttered as I glared out my living-room window, watching the snow cover the cars and street below. I wished the snow would fall on my soul; I wished it would cleanse all of my stupidity, all of my mistakes, and leave me looking pristine and new like the street below.

"What're you doing?" Jessica asked quietly in the darkness, startling me out of my thoughts. I turned in the direction of her voice to see her leaning against the wall. She was wearing her bathrobe, her arms crossed over her chest. "Come back to bed."

"Why?" The question came out bitterly, and much more pitifully than I had wanted it to. "What's the point, Jess? Your bags are already packed."

She crossed the room, resting one hand gently on my arm. Standing on the tips of her toes, she brushed her lips across mine and sighed. "Just come back to bed, Edward."

I looked down at her, trying to read her expression. She looked sleepy, but calm. Her tone was gentle, soft, as if she was trying to calm a frightened animal. I took a deep breath and nodded, allowing myself to be led back to bed. It took me a long time to fall asleep, and when I woke up, Jessica was gone.

AN: Edward is reciting T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

Without Bookgeek80, this chapter would be a hopeless mess. And don't worry. She's just as ready to get rid of Jess as I'm sure you all are ;)

Huge thanks to GreatChemistry for helping me sort out the title. I'm awful at them, and she's a genius. Without her, this was nearly just "chapter 4". Also to bonnysammy for catching my silly mistakes while on the title quest. I don't know why this chapter was such a bitch, but I'm glad I've got you to lean on!


	5. 5 Whiteout

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but binging Failward below is all mine ;)

5. Whiteout

After a manic search of my apartment revealed Jessica had truly left, suitcases and all, I immediately called out of work. I didn't bother to lie to Bella; it seemed disingenuous. Instead, I just told her I wasn't coming in and that it was personal – period. I had always wished I had the tone of voice where some fancy narrator could say it brokered no argument; that afternoon was the closest I had ever come. Bella hung up with a huff, seemingly too annoyed to even bother arguing with me. Oh well.

Once I called out of work, I turned off my cell phone and drew all the curtains closed. As far as I was concerned, there was no one worth picking up the phone for even if they did call, so why did it matter? And I didn't want to look out the windows; I didn't want to see a world merely going about its business while I crumbled behind closed doors.

Having successfully cut myself off from the outside world, I decided it was high time to go on a bender of epic proportions. I had never gotten into drugs, and I never would, so I lined up my bottles of liquor – scotch, rum, vodka, tequila, and a trace amount of gin – and went to town.

In my drunken stupor, I couldn't stop my mind from reviewing the details of my failures. I knew deep down that Jessica and I would never have worked in the long term; I was too attached to academia and learning, and Jessica? Jessica was far too attached to her shopping trips. Jessica went to college in search of a MRS degree, and had instead found me.

I didn't live up to her ideal; Jessica wanted to be taken care of, and that was that. She wasn't interested in a partnership, and sometimes, I just wanted her to take care of me. There were plenty of women out there who shared her perspective, and plenty of men willing to fill that role. I was just wasn't one of them, and I never would be. Maybe it was finally time to accept that.

I remembered with unusual clarity the day I had decided to leave school. Without consulting either Jessica or my parents, I had gone down to the registrar's office and withdrawn. It was only then that I had made the phone calls; first to Jess, and then to my parents.

Jessica had laughed at me; I could practically hear her rolling her eyes over the phone. She had thought it was a big joke and I would be back in school before the semester was out. It had taken her months to realize I had no intention of going back.

My parents had been a different story. I had spoken with my mother first, and there must have been something in my tone to let her know it was not in fact my idea of a sick joke (which had been my father's initial response). I had explained that college just wasn't working for me. Though they had countered with arguments for my continued studies, everything from logical reasoning, to threats, to outright begging, I had refused to listen. Thinking New York was too much for me, they had begged me to come back west and enroll at Washington State. My father had pointed out to me that I loved learning, and I loved literature; I was throwing away an opportunity to spend my life doing what I loved. He had tried to convince me, citing his love of medicine, and the satisfaction he achieved from his job, in an attempt to make me stay. Then he had threatened me; he refused to be a part of my decision to wash my life down the drain. I could get my ass back in school, or I could kiss my parents' financial support goodbye.

None of it had worked.

Ignoring the wishes of my parents, I had turned my back on NYU and embraced the bar in Brooklyn. I had been working in Manhattan, but realized once I had dropped out of school that I needed to go somewhere a tad cheaper. After hearing about B&R from a friend of a friend, I had met Bella, interviewing with her on a rainy spring afternoon, and she had told me I was hired on the spot. I eventually had met the owner during my first shift. He had clapped me on the shoulder, and sternly told me he didn't care what I did, as long as I "didn't fuck up" his bar. That had been just over three years ago.

By the time I had polished off the rest of the scotch and begun to work my way through the bottle of rum, I was willing to admit to myself that Jessica had been at least partially right. I was clinging to the bar because of Bella. Though my pride was a part of it, without Bella, I would have humbled myself before my parents long ago. What I couldn't stand was admitting what a failure I was to Bella; what I refused to bring down upon myself was her pity when I told her my story. Brilliant teenager with a four-oh GPA, admitted to NYU on early decision, and I had pissed it all away to live as the rag-tag struggling writer who drinks too much in Brooklyn. There had been something inherently romantic about that in my imagination; I would smoke too many cigarettes, and drink too much coffee, (and far too much alcohol), and write my masterpiece while I tended bar on the side; I would join the ranks of strung-out literary geniuses.

I was naïve enough to think it would work out like that, but it didn't.

When the rum ran out, I was lying on my kitchen floor in the dark with a serious case of the spins. I knew before the night was out I would be throwing up. I also knew it was unlikely I would make it to the bathroom before that happened. I couldn't find it in me to care.

If I'd had had any friends in Brooklyn, I would have called them. But I didn't. Any friends I had made during my short tenure at NYU had slowly slipped away as I slid further and further from that world. The only other place I was able to meet anyone had been at the bar, but it was rare for me to engage with anyone beyond Bella. I had always had Jessica to come home to, so why did I need to create an elaborate social circle? It had never occurred to me that she could just disappear one day with the dawn.

Through bleary eyes, I tried to focus on the clock. It looked to be just after midnight. I knew Bella was at the bar; I knew she would be there for hours, covering my slack. Digging my phone out of my pocket, I turned it on and squinted at the sudden glare of the display. I was too drunk to truly realize how likely it was that I was probably about to piss her off; I was too drunk to care that I had called out of work, and was now about to call my co-worker while smashed.

"B & R," Bella answered after several rings. It was quiet in the background.

"Bella?" I slurred, mumbling into the cell phone I had balanced on my cheek. "It's Edward."

"Edward?"

"Yeah."

"Are you shitting me? Are you drunk?" she demanded. I could picture her in my head, her cheeks flushing in anger, one hand planted firmly on her hip. Her chocolate brown eyes would be sparkling with rage.

"Um, I..."

"You are unbelievable. You called out of work, for no good god-damned reason, two hours before your shift, and now you're fucking calling me, completely shit-faced? Are you out of your mind? Do you actually want to keep this job?" she continued, her voice rising. I winced, wishing the phone would hold itself a foot away from my ear. My arms felt far too leaden to move it myself.

"Jess left me," I replied in a tiny voice, lost for what else to say. "I wanted to talk to someone...you're the only one I have here."

I was met with deafening silence. I thought Bella had hung up until I heard her sigh heavily on the other end of the line. "We're not friends, Edward. We work together. You fight with that girl all the time. You can't call me over shit like this." In my imagination, her voice shook ever so slightly.

"She's not coming back. She took all her stuff. Bought a plane ticket and everything. She's gone." I knew I sounded pathetic, but I didn't care. The only relief I was getting was from the musical sound of Bella's voice echoing in my ear, even if her declaration that we were _not_ friends stung terribly.

She heaved another sigh, as if the effort of speaking to me was monumental. "What is it that you would like me to do, Edward?" she finally asked in a tone meant for a child, her voice weary. "It's nearly one in the morning. It's snowing like crazy. I'm at the bar, by myself, in case you forgot."

"I didn't forget," I mumbled. What I wanted was for her to talk to me; what I really wanted was for her to walk the three blocks to my apartment and spend the night with me. I wanted Bella to come to me, and let me pour my sorrows out to her. I wanted her to look at me like she had looked at that damned delivery driver. "Will you...can you...um, well, I just don't want to be alone."

"You want me to come to your apartment?" Even in my drunken stupor I could hear the incredulous tone of her voice. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No...I just...please, Bella," I whispered into the phone, blinking back tears that had come out of nowhere. Somewhere in the dim recesses of my brain, my thoughts mocked me. _Crying? Really, Edward? Drunk, lying on the floor of your kitchen, crying? To a girl who is way too good for you, and that you royally pissed off today? Which, let me remind you in case you have forgotten, was not the first damned time you have done that! _

"I need to finish some things here," she finally said after another long pause. Her voice was thick with resignation. My eyes were getting heavy, and I had started to fall asleep while waiting for her reply. I had forgotten she was even on the phone. "What apartment number?"

"Two-oh-six," I replied, letting my eyes slide shut again. "Door's open."

The next thing I knew, Bella's boots were staring me in the eye, an icy puddle forming under her feet. When I cracked my eyes open, Bella was illuminated from behind by the hallway light; it seemed a halo surrounded her. The snow had dampened her hair, and her cheeks were flushed from the cold. She looked like an angel.

Until she opened her mouth.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Edward," she began, leaning down and snatching the empty bottles from around me. They banged down into the metal sink loudly, followed by the water running as she rinsed them out. I groaned at the sudden rush of noise, burying my fingers in my hair and squeezing my temples. "You don't even fucking like the girl that much. This is unbelievable. You know all the weather people are saying it's going to turn into a blizzard out there? We're supposed to get two feet of snow. And on top of trying to keep the damn bar in order, now you're calling me because you can't deal with some girl leaving you?"

"A blizzard?" I asked hopefully. A blizzard would be a fantastic excuse to remain holed up in my apartment. "It wasn't evening snowing that bad last night..."

"Well maybe if you had gotten off your kitchen floor once in the last six hours, you would have seen that it's now snowing like mad. You're lucky the bar was so dead tonight," she added darkly, leaning back against the kitchen sink with her arms crossed. I stared up at her from the floor, a blush staining my cheeks. My buzz had worn off a little in the time it had taken her to get to me, and I felt very, very foolish. I had wanted to find a way to fix things with Bella, but instead I was just making myself look worse.

I struggled to my knees, grabbing the counter for support as I swayed. Bella's hand flashed forward to steady me, her nails digging into my bicep as she held on. "Easy," she said quietly, her tone suddenly gentle. "The cabs are barely running. If you crack your head open, I have no idea how I'd get you to the hospital."

"Is it that bad outside?"

"Getting there."

"Then why did you...?" I let my question trail off, afraid of the answer. Bella was still gripping my arm tightly, determined to keep me upright. I shook her off, staggering to my feet and leaning back against the counter. Bella must have opened the shades when she had come into the apartment; now I could see through my living room windows, and she was right. The snow was swirling madly around on the wind, making the building across the street barely visible. I gaped at her incredulously, wondering why the hell she had come to my apartment in such weather. My cheeks flushed again, ashamed. Bella deserved to be home, curled up in her own warm bed, instead of dealing with my stupid ass.

Bella wasn't watching me. Her eyes were focused on the snow too, her eyebrows furrowed as she watching the curtain of white cover the windows. The wind howled, rattling the cheap windowpanes in their casings. I shivered, suddenly cold in only my thin undershirt.

"I was worried," she finally answered, but her eyes continued to focus on the snow outside. The words were gentle, but her tone was flat. "I thought...I had a bad feeling about leaving you alone. Especially in the storm."

"Thanks," I muttered, turning away from her. Grabbing the bottle of vodka still on the counter, I stumbled across the floor to my beat-up leather couch. I had purchased it from a second-hand shop in a fit of nostalgia for the Italian leather version sitting in my bedroom back in Forks. This one was nothing like that; the seams were beginning to pull apart, the leather was brittle and cracking in places, but it reminded me of home.

"Do you really think more booze is such a hot idea?" Bella asked mildly, following me from the kitchen. I noticed she hadn't bothered to change; she was still outfitted in a tight black t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans.

"Yes," I answered without looking at her. I uncapped the bottle and held it out toward her. "Want some?"

She eyed me warily, and then walked back toward the kitchen. I shrugged, raising the bottle to my lips. _The hell with her_, I thought to myself.

Bella's fingers wrapped around mine just before the liquor hit my lips, her touch still icy from the cold outside. With my skin already well over-heated by the alcohol, her touch was a shock. I shivered again, hoping she wouldn't notice. She had two shot glasses in her other hand, which she set down on the coffee table. "If we're going to drink, let's try being civilized about it, shall we? If I wanted to join you in your quest to be a mess, I could have just lain down on the kitchen floor." She yanked the vodka bottle out of my hand, and carefully poured two shots. She handed me mine, and without waiting, tipped her shot down her throat. Then she turned to me.

"Alright, Edward. You want to explain to me what the hell is going on here?"

I winced, downing the shot before answering her. "I don't know."

"You called me over here because you don't know why you've drunken yourself into a stupor?"

_Well it does sound awfully stupid when she puts it that way_, I thought irritably, staring at the coffee table rather than meeting her expectant stare. "Jess left," I finally said, reaching for the bottle of vodka again. I poured another round of shots, and this time I didn't bother to wait for Bella before drinking mine down.

"Yes, Edward, you've told me that. But you practically hated her. Why are you surprised?" Bella arched one eyebrow at me before throwing back her own shot. She licked her lips as she set the glass down, and I couldn't help but stare. Bella's pink tongue on her red lips led to fantasies I would only let my drunken brain conjure up. I quickly backed myself into the corner of the couch, pulling my knees up toward my chest to hide the evidence of my wandering mind. _Might not be so bad if she saw, _cooed the devil voice from my shoulder. _At least she'll know you don't suffer from whiskey-dick. _

"I don't want to be alone," I finally blurted out, unable to look at her.

Instead of berating me like I had expected, Bella only sighed. She reached down, rolling up her jeans to expose the tops of her boots. They came to just under her knees and sent another thrill shooting through me. I watched, mesmerized, as she unzipped the leather and exposed her milky, perfectly toned calves. I wanted to reach out and run my fingers down her legs. My mind wandered, picturing those same creamy calves resting on my shoulders while Bella lay beneath me. I wanted to kiss the smooth flesh, and feel Bella's body respond to mine as I kissed the sensitive skin behind her knees.

The clatter of the boots against the wooden floor startled me out of my fantasy. I realized Bella had simply kicked them off after unzipping them, and had now adopted a pose similar to mine. We each sat with our backs to one of the armrests, our knees drawn up toward our chests.

"Alone isn't a bad thing," she finally said quietly, running her fingertip along the rim of her shot glass without looking up. "It's not always easy, but alone can be useful."

_Useful_? I asked myself, reaching for the vodka again. I ignored the shot glass this time, swigging straight off the bottle. _Civilized!_ I thought with a mental smirk. _Ha! She hasn't been paying attention at all, has she? Civilized...of all the ridiculous..._

"Being alone is a good lesson," Bella continued, reaching out and snatching the vodka bottle away from me. She shot a quick glance in my direction from under her eyelashes, before pouring another shot into her glass. After she downed it, her eyes met mine across the couch, and her stare was intense. "Being alone can really help you figure out what you want when you decide to jump back in." She held my gaze for another long moment. I was too shocked to say anything, wondering what my drunken brain was conjuring up. _She can't possibly mean me. I mean, she's looking at me all...it's the vodka. I'm wasted. She can't actually mean..._

"Snow's really coming down," Bella interrupted my thoughts, gesturing over my head to the windows. I had been too busy watching her to notice the snow, but as I craned my neck, I realized the building across the street was even less visible than it had been. "Think I could borrow some sweats? Looks like I might be staying here for the night."

She said it so casually, as if there was nothing to it, that for a moment I could've sworn I'd imagined it. It was only the expectant look on Bella's face that allowed me to believe she had really asked the question. "Uh, sure," I mumbled, forcing myself to my feet. The room swayed, but I grabbed onto the back of the couch to keep myself steady. "Um, come with me. You can change in my room once we find you something."

"Ok."

With one hand on the wall to keep my balance, I staggered down the hall, Bella trailing slightly behind me. I could have just sent her into my bedroom; there was nothing embarrassing in there for her to see, and she definitely wasn't going to get lost in my shoebox apartment. But I wanted to show her; I wanted to lead her down the hall to my bedroom and pretend, just for a moment, that we were going there for entirely different purposes.

For a moment, I considered trying to fish out something Jessica might have left behind. Jess was smaller, and her clothes would fit Bella better than mine would. But a flash of irrational distaste assaulted my mind. I didn't want Bella in Jessica's clothes – I wanted her in mine.

Noticing how empty the closet looked with only my clothes shoved in the back corner, I reached for the top shelf and grabbed an old pair of sweatpants from NYU. I knew they would be too big on her, but Jessica had worn them in the past; girls did some trick with folding the waistband, and voila! They suddenly looked good. I'd never understand it.

I tossed the pants toward Bella, which she caught with surprising agility. From the closet, I stumbled over to the dresser, yanking open the drawer with my T-shirts. I grabbed my gym shirt from high school, the dark cotton soft and worn, and threw that back to Bella too. My shoulders had been narrower then, so I knew the shirt was likely to fit her better than most of my others.

There was also a small part of me that just plain wanted to see Bella wearing my high school gym shirt. There had never been a hot girl even remotely associated with me in high school; this felt like my own personal revenge against all the Mike Newton types back in Forks.

"I, um, I'll just go back to the living room," I stuttered out awkwardly, backing out of the room. I threw myself back down on the couch and took another swig off the vodka bottle, delighting in the warmth spreading down to my toes. I tried to ignore the fact that Bella was stripping down in my bedroom, while I sat in the living room watching the snow fall, but my mind kept wandering. I could "accidentally" walk back in, asking if maybe she needed a pair of socks? Or I could throw all pretense to the wind? Just open the door, grab her and kiss her, before she had the chance to get the shirt on?

_Right. And then when she slaps you and calls the police to arrest you for assaulting her, that will go over real well. Dad would be particularly pleased with that. _

I took a deep breath and another shot of vodka, blinking my eyes rapidly against the burn of the liquor as I heard Bella's feet padding down the hallway. By the pattern of her steps, I knew the vodka was at least starting to affect her too. She dropped back down to the other side of the couch and stretched her arms up above her head. The motion exposed a thin sliver of her pale skin, the pants sure enough rolled down low on her hips. "Much better," she told me, reaching for the bottle of liquor and pouring herself another shot. This time, she winced too. "Where the hell is Forks, by the way?" she asked, gesturing to the shirt.

I followed her hands, my eyes centering on the large block letters spelling out "Forks High" across her breasts. Though the shirt was loose in most places, it was tight across her chest, and I stared without thinking. Bella's breasts were just the right size, and perfectly rounded. I couldn't help but think they would fit nicely in my palms.

"Edward? Forks?" I snapped my head up to meet her gaze, and was mortified to see the tiny smirk on her lips. _She knew I was staring_, I realized in horror, shifting my legs onto the couch again to hide behind my knees. I knew I was far too drunk to perform any kind of subtle adjustment, so I just shifted several times in my seat until I found some semblance of comfort.

"It's just this tiny town in Washington out on the shore."

"And you grew up there?"

"Yeah." I didn't elaborate, grabbing the vodka and gulping down another shot's worth. I wished I hadn't already finished off the scotch; a trip down memory lane was going to require some stronger spirits. I didn't want to think about Forks, or about all the promise that my life had held before I had gone running off to New York. But I didn't want to think about that either. What I wanted to do was keep drinking vodka, and stare at Bella; I wanted to let my fantasies run through my head, and enjoy the sight of her in my clothes. I _really_ wanted to entertain the possibility of being snowed in with her for days. Lately, it seemed it was just one storm after another; a foot of snow here, a foot of snow there. I knew as well as anyone that two feet of snow would shut New York down for at least a solid twenty-four hours, maybe longer. A lot could happen in twenty-four hours...

Yet try as I might, all I could think about was how Joseph Conrad had once written about his madman Kurtz, '_But the wilderness found him out early, and had taken vengeance for the fantastic invasion. I think it had whispered to him things about himself which he did not know, things of which he had no conception till he took counsel with this great solitude – and the whisper had proved irresistibly fascinating.'_ I had come to New York, not the jungle, but I had expected the same thing as Kurtz; I was going to conquer this place. Instead, it had conquered me, and the conquest had torn me limb from limb. I was surrounded by people and buildings: an endless supply of civilization right at my fingertips, but I might as well as been surrounded by savages in the depths of the jungle. Or no one at all. And left to my own devices, the whispers of failure had begun, until finally, I had driven myself mad.

"The horror, the horror," I muttered aloud, reaching for the vodka yet again as I repeated Kurtz's famous last words.

"Why do you do that?" Bella asked suddenly, watching me as I took another swig from the bottle. Something flashed briefly in her eyes, and then it was gone again, replaced with a cool stare.

"Drink vodka? I don't know. Why do you?" I retorted, annoyed. It was my house, and if I wanted to be all uncivilized and drink out of the bottle, I would do what I damn-well pleased.

Bella smirked, shaking her head at me. She grabbed the bottle out of my hand, and setting down her shot glass, took a swig off the bottle herself while holding my stare over the glass. "No, Edward, I'm fairly certain I know why you drink. Why do you always mutter those quotes under your breath?"

"What?"

"You just said, 'the horror, the horror.' It's from _Heart of Darkness_, right? It's not the first time I've heard you say it."

I stared back at her, completely dumbfounded. She had noticed my mutterings? And not only had she noticed, but she knew the reference? I narrowed my eyes at her, trying to get a clear picture of her face through my drunken haze.

"Were you studying literature at NYU?" Bella prompted when I remained silent, fingering the large white lettering on the left leg of the pants she wore.

"How did you...?"

"I'm not stupid, Edward." She sighed heavily, smiling a sad smile in my direction. "You know every time we get those college kids in the afternoons, and they sit in one of the booths and talk about their homework over beers, you get this faraway look in your eyes. You stare at their books like you're a starving man, and that should be your last meal. It breaks my heart a little every time I see you do it. And now I'm here, in your apartment, and there are books everywhere. Some of these titles aren't exactly light reading either."

"Yes, I studied literature," I answered tersely, ignoring the rest of her statements; they sounded a little too much like pity for my liking. I leaned over my knees and snatched the liquor bottle back from her. It was a small miracle I didn't fall off the couch in doing so; the sudden movement made my entire world lurch.

"What happened?" She didn't say it the way most people did; her voice lacked the usual judgmental scorn. Bella was asking because she genuinely seemed to want to know. Her eyes were narrowed in concentration, and her brows furrowed. Even in my own muddled state, I could see the liquor was starting to take hold.

"Life," I answered bitterly. I didn't care how genuinely interested she seemed; I was in no mood to suffer questions about my failings.

She nodded, holding her hand out for the bottle of vodka. I leaned forward to hand it to her, jumping as our skin touched. Her skin was now just as warm as mine; the shock puzzled me. She stared at her own hand as she pulled away, her cheeks flushing before she hurriedly diverted her gaze out the window. "That doesn't explain about the quotes," she said without looking at me.

"They just pop into my head," I answered honestly, watching her face in the light from the street. The falling snow created shadows across her pale cheeks, making her perhaps more beautiful than I had ever seen her before. It didn't hurt that I was very turned on by the sight of her in my shirt. "Normally I see or hear something that makes me think of a line from a book, or from a poem, and then I've got that in my head the rest of the day. I start to think about that piece of work, and other lines come to mind. My mind just sort of gets away from me sometimes."

She nodded, taking another swallow from the vodka bottle. I watched her mouth wrap around the bottle, the way her lips curled around the glass. I stared unabashedly, too drunk to care if she caught me again. I was fighting to even keep my eyes open at that point, the liquor pulling me down into blackness.

"You know _Heart of Darkness_?" I finally asked, unable to take my eyes off her.

"My mom used to read to me, before...before I went to bed," she answered quietly, her fingers curling tightly around the neck of the bottle. Even in the dim light, I could see her knuckles were white. I knew nothing about Bella's family, or where she was from. Throughout our three years working together, we had never discussed anything personal; the only reason I knew Bella wasn't from New York was the way she accented her words. I hung on her every word, eager to know more about her.

"I don't have quite the collection you do, but I do like to read." She laughed then, turning toward me and holding the vodka bottle out. She tilted it, revealing only another shot or two was left. "C'mon, Edward, you're wasted. Do you really want to talk about literature right now?"

_I just want to listen to you talk,_ I replied in my head, watching her tiny smile broaden and her cheeks flush deeply.

"Well, let's talk about something else, ok? We're both drunk."

"Shit," I muttered, realizing I had spoken out loud. My own cheeks burned with my admission, and I snatched the bottle from Bella. Eyeballing the bottom, I tilted it back and drank the rest of the vodka in one burning gulp.

"I, um, think I'm going to pass out," I muttered, refusing to meet her gaze. I closed my eyes, hoping that I could avoid looking at her again. "You can have my bed. I'll stay out here."

"Don't be ridiculous. I've worked side by side with you for years. We're both adults."

I cracked one eye open, shocked to see her sitting calmly on the other end of the couch. She was watching me, gnawing on her bottom lip. When I brought my eyes up to hers, she refused to meet my gaze. Her skin shone against the dark maroon T-shirt, and I was lost.

"Ok," I agreed, a shiver of anticipation running down my spine. Would she let me wrap her in my arms? Would she let me kiss her? Would she lay her head against my chest, and wrap her arm around my waist? Or would she just pass out without even looking at me?

"Just one thing, Edward," she said, a hint of a smile still in her voice. She leaned forward across her knees, her smile broadening as she folded her arms across her legs. I arched an eyebrow at her, curious as to what she could possibly want to ask me. We had gone from distant co-workers, to drunk on my couch in the middle of a blizzard, all thanks to my one drunken phone call. I was certain pity-parties rarely turned out so well.

Bella looked me in the eye, but her cheeks flushed deeply as she opened her mouth to speak. "Please tell me you've got clean sheets that that vile girlfriend of yours didn't sleep in."

I chuckled, nodding as I tried to figure out how I was going to stand up without immediately falling back down, never mind maneuver changing the sheets on my bed. "Ex-girlfriend," I corrected, right before I fell into the coffee table with a crash.

AN: Bookgeek80 is the best beta a girl could ask for. Even if she does call me names on Twitter. Update is early this week because next week I have finals and leave for vacation, so no promises on regular updates. Instead, two this week to hold everyone over! Chapter 6 will go up on Friday.

So, Bella's spending the night. Anyone got thought on how that's going to end? ;)


	6. 6 Black Eyes & Whiskey Secrets

Disclaimer: SM owns uptight, control freak Edward. I own the clueless mess below.

6. Black Eyes & Whiskey Secrets

Straddling the line between waking and sleeping I was enveloped in both a cocoon of warmth, and the most delicious smell. I inhaled deeply, savoring a floral scent that completely lacked the bitter sting of perfume. I nuzzled my nose closer to the smell, tightening my grip on whatever it was that smelled so delicious. It was also soft, warm, and fit snugly against my body like it was meant to be there. The more I pulled the warmth closer to me, the more the sensation between my legs went from painful to pleasurable. I tilted my hips closer, savoring the contact as I inhaled deeply again, breathing a quiet moan. I had to still be dreaming. I was far too comfortable – and far too turned on – to be waking up next to Jessica.

"Um, Edward?" a tentative voice asked, and suddenly cool fingers were lightly pulling mine away from the warmth. I ignored the voice, pressing all the more tightly to the warmth. "Edward, wake up!"

I snapped my eyes open to find that the heavenly smelling softness beside me was actually Bella – I had been rubbing my hard on all over Bella's ass. Somehow we had ended up wrapped together during the night; I didn't recall going to sleep with her in my arms. I was certain I would have remembered that, though I barely remembered falling asleep. My cheeks flamed brightly, and I groaned loudly. I quickly rolled away from her, slamming the pillow down over my face in mortification.

The entire evening came back in a rush as my head swam from the sudden motion of turning over. Falling into the coffee table, the vodka bottle breaking, my shoulder bleeding, Bella taking care of me, Bella sliding into bed beside me while I was half-asleep, being certain it was a dream...

Bella hadn't moved out of the bed, but she had definitely moved farther away from me. I felt her weight on the mattress as she shifted nervously. "How are you feeling?" she asked quietly, her tone carefully even.

_Oh, so we're going to ignore that I was rubbing myself all over you like a dog in heat just a moment ago? _I thought to myself, refusing to pull the pillow off my face. _Maybe if I just say nothing, she'll ignore me completely._

"Edward?"

"Like I drank several bottles of liquor and then smashed my coffee table to bits with my face," I mumbled from under the pillow, hoping she would let it drop. If the throbbing of my shoulder and cheek were any indication, I would have serious bruises, perhaps even a black eye. I remembered Bella's gentle inspection of my injuries the night before, and only flushed deeper. Her hands on me had done things I desperately hoped she hadn't noticed the night before...or was now noticing, as I relived the memory.

"Do you want some ice?"

_Why is she being so nice to me? Can't she just yell at me for molesting her and leave in a fit of rage so I can be mortified in peace?_ I tightened my grip on the pillow, half-hoping I would suffocate myself with it.

"Can you pull that god-damned pillow off your face and look at me?"

_Ah, there's the Bella I know_, I thought to myself with a smirk. The smirk hurt my face, and I yanked the pillow off with a sigh. I turned slowly back toward her, my face rapidly reheating, but I refused to meet her gaze as her cool fingers reached forward, tentatively brushing against my cheek. "Not as swollen as last night," she said after a moment. "You were right though. You've got a black eye. Only you could manage to fall in just the right way to accomplish that."

"Perfect," I grumbled, reaching for the pillow to slam it back down over my face. Not only had I made a complete ass out of myself in front of Bella the night before, but now I looked like a homeless drunk. I could feel the stubble on my face which undoubtedly completed the look, not to mention the dry taste of stale alcohol in my mouth. On another man, the black eye might have just been a battle-scar from a bar brawl, but in all my pathetic glory, I knew I was downgraded straight to homeless bum.

"Stop it. Look at me please." I cracked one eye open to meet Bella's anxious stare, noticing how she was worrying at her bottom lip. Her own eyes shifted a bit before returning to mine. "I, um..." Her voice trailed off, and I felt my expression morph into one of shock. Bella, speechless? Something in her eyes shifted again, and she sighed. "I checked the weather while you were sleeping an hour or so ago. It's still snowing like crazy. I think there's about two feet out there and they're saying we're going to get another. It's going to snow all day, and they think the drifts will get bad. Some of the street lights are out." She laughed nervously, gnawing at her lip again. "Why am I rambling about the weather? You don't look like you're in any state to care. Point is, it looks like you're stuck with me for at least today."

Once had I settled my eyes on her, I found it impossible to look away. Her hair was mussed from sleep, and her mascara smeared under her eyes, but I didn't care. She still wore my old T-shirt, and it had shifted in her sleep to ride up her waist, while the sweatpants had shifted down. I couldn't help by stare at the sliver of creamy skin she had exposed, the delicate curve of her hip sitting just above her waistband. She was kneeling next to me, concern coating her features as she traced my bruises. "Bella..." I breathed, reaching for her and sliding my hand onto her waist. I wanted to run my hand up under her shirt and feel her skin; I wanted to pull her down into my arms and take back up where the semi-conscious me had left off.

"I really think you need some ice on that eye," she announced abruptly, pulling away from my touch suddenly. She was out of the room in seconds, leaving behind warm sheets and her heavenly scent.

I groaned, rolling over and pressing my face against Bella's pillow, trying to ignore the throbbing ache in my groin. Through cracked eyes, I could see she had been right about the snow; though the alarm clock told me it was close to noon, it looked more like four in the afternoon outside my windows. The snow was still falling relentlessly.

_Why couldn't she just stay in bed with me_? I thought sourly, letting my eyes slide closed again and taking a deep breath. _Because if she had stayed in bed with you, you would have kissed her, and she knew it. Stop being a jackass, Cullen. Get it together. And stop thinking about her in bed with you. That's not going to help you calm down! _

I heard Bella's footsteps approaching, and quickly shifted back to my side of the bed, forcing myself to run cocktail recipes through my head. I fought the urge to stare as she came through the bedroom door, still looking gorgeously rumpled. I loved that she was the type of girl who could be up and about without instantly running to a mirror; Jess had never allowed herself to get beyond our bed without fussing over her appearance.

Watching the snow fall, I wondered if maybe, just maybe, I would get my snowed-in wish.

_Less of those thoughts! More drink recipes! How do you make a Liquid Marijuana? Think! Midori..._

"It's too bad you don't have a fireplace," Bella cut into my thoughts. She smirked as she settled her weight beside me on the bed. I winced as the ice touched my cheek, biting down on my lip to stifle a gasp. "Why's that?" I asked through gritted teeth, praying the ice would numb my face quickly. I knew why_ I_ wanted a fireplace; visions of making love to Bella before the flames popped into my thoughts, despite my mental vow to stop thinking about her like that. Momentarily giving up, I let my mind wander, picturing the way the firelight would play off her chocolate eyes and porcelain skin.

_Stop it! Stupid brain. Stupid dick. Listen to me, both of you! _

"That coffee table of yours would make damn fine kindling."

"Please don't make me laugh. It hurts," I told her, grabbing at my right side. I had a serious suspicion I had bruised my ribs in my losing battle with the coffee table.

"Your side hurts?" she asked suspiciously.

"My whole body hurts. Remember? Me versus the table? Table won, in case you forgot," I grumbled, glad that my cheek was finally starting to numb. Jess had had her wisdom teeth out a year ago, and I wondered if maybe there were still some painkillers left in the medicine cabinet. That would number my face up nicely. Or maybe more booze. I was fairly certain I still had a bottle of whiskey somewhere in the house...

"Take off your shirt," Bella instructed, breaking me out of my reverie. I felt her shift on the bed again, and grabbed the ice to keep it from sliding off my face. Peeking through my left eye, I saw she was standing next to the bed and looking down at the floor.

"Um, why?" I asked, feeling my face flushing. _I'll take off mine if you take off yours_, I thought to myself, closing my eyes again. I had wanted Bella to say those words to me for some time, but I had always imagined it would go a bit differently.

_Not the right direction to let the thoughts wander, if you know what's good for you_, my inner voice of reason chided. _You know how determined she gets. And if you don't want her to realize you are hard as a rock fantasizing about her, maybe you should tone it down. _

"I want to see if you've got bruises. If you're bleeding internally, it could be serious."

_Stall! Stall! Stall! _

"If it were serious, I would have bled out in my sleep," I answered, remembering one of my father's medical lectures on internal injuries when I had told him I wanted to try out for football. "And if a rib is broken, it just has to heal. Unless it punctured my lung. If it punctured my lung, I would have suffocated by now. I'm fine, Bella."

"I'll judge that."

"My father's a doctor. I know what I'm talking about."

"And my father has seen more broken ribs than I can count. Show me your damn ribs, Edward." She reached for the blanket and yanked it back before I could stop her.

"Stop!" I protested, throwing the ice pack down on the bed and glaring at her. I shoved myself into a sitting position, which sent shooting pains through my body and made my head swim, but I didn't care. I didn't want Bella pulling up my shirt and inspecting me all over again, embarrassing morning wood or not. It had been bad enough the night before, but the night before I had been drunk. "You checked me over last night. I'm fine."

"What's the big deal?" she huffed, folding her arms tightly across her chest. Her eyes narrowed at me, and she took a step closer.

_What _is_ the big deal? You're being ridiculous. Just let her satisfy herself that you're fine_, I told myself, studying her rigid stance. _Be grateful that she even cares about your sorry ass. Besides, that shooting pain in your ribs took care of one problem, anyway. _

"Fine," I muttered under my breath. I grabbed at the edge of my shirt and tugged it up, trying to ignore the stabbing pain in my shoulder as I did so. _Note to self, falling into coffee tables, not the way to go._

I avoided Bella's stare, but I could feel her eyes on me. Instead of meeting her gaze, I clamped the ice back down on my face and closed my eyes. She poked and prodded at me for a few minutes, and then sighed. "You were right," she said begrudgingly. "You're fine."

Resisting the 'I told you so' urge, I tugged my shirt back into place. An awkward silence descended as I eased back down into the pillows and Bella just stood beside the bed. "You can get back in bed," I finally told her, shifting further toward the edge of the mattress. "I'll keep my hands to myself, I promise."

"Your hands weren't the problem," Bella retorted. I flushed crimson, but felt her weight settling next to me a moment later. "So, your dad's a doctor?" she finally asked, blatant curiosity in her voice.

"Yeah. He's pretty much the star of the local hospital back home."

"You sound bitter."

"He wanted me to be a doctor, like him. I have no desire to go to med school." I took a deep breath, not liking the direction of our conversation. "What does your dad do that he knows all about broken ribs?" I asked before she had the chance to ask any other questions.

"Private investigator. Used to be a cop." There was nothing rude about her words, but her tone was short and clipped. I knew Bella didn't want to talk about it, but I pressed her anyway.

"Why the change?" I asked, desperate to keep the topic away from my own mess of a life.

Bella said nothing for a long moment, but then sighed heavily. "Something happened, and he couldn't find answers doing the cop thing. So he hired a private investigator. They...go around the rules, sometimes. Cops, ya know, there's channels...and...um...well, after that, Charlie decided he would do for others what that guy had done for us." Her tone was even, but I could tell she was picking and choosing her words carefully, not wanting to give too much away.

"What happened?"

"Let's not talk about this, ok?" she answered after a minute. Her face settled back into the carefully controlled expression I knew well, her eyes guarded. "I'll make us breakfast. Tell me you have some kind of food in this place."

I kept my eyes on her, watching as she gazed out the window at the snow. I reached across the bed, grabbing her hand and weaving my fingers through hers. Whatever she was hiding, it was something big. I wanted to hear her story, and a part of me even wanted to tell her mine, but I refused to push her. Instead, I just squeezed her hand and hoped she would stay in bed.

She pulled her hand out of mine quickly, flexing her fingers anxiously as she slid out of the bed. At the doorway, she paused and turned back to me. "Where are your pans?"

"Cabinet to the right of the stove," I answered automatically. I heard her moments later, pulling out whatever pan she had chosen, while my eyes continued to rest on the empty space she had just occupied.

_Not good, Edward, not good_, I thought to myself as I swung my legs out of the bed. I was still wearing the same ratty sweatpants I had put on the day before, but Bella had forced a clean shirt on me after I had fallen into the table. I winced, feeling the cuts made by the broken vodka bottle as I forced myself to my feet. "I need a cigarette," I muttered to myself, grabbing a sweatshirt from the closet and shoving it over my head. _And to stop having a conversation with myself in my god-damned head. Shit! Stop! _

I stopped in the bathroom, alarmed by the state of my reflection in the mirror as I took my morning piss. I had a nasty black eye, and a few nicks along my jaw and chin. I had been right; I looked like a homeless man who had just gotten thrown out of a bar brawl. _Of all the times to have Bella all to myself..._

I washed my hands and padded toward the kitchen, wiping my them on my pants as I went. Bella had twisted her long hair back with a pen, and was humming quietly to herself as she whisked eggs together with a fork. She had pulled some frozen bacon out of the freezer, and looked to be arranging a feast. Part of me just wanted to watch her cook; I loved the sight of her in my kitchen, looking like she was meant to be there. For a moment, I could let myself believe that she had rolled out of bed, thrown on my clothes, and come into the kitchen to make us both breakfast. I let the fantasy play out, imaging myself walking up behind her and placing light kisses on her exposed neck. She would giggle, and turn away from the stove to kiss me back. Breakfast would get burned as we lost ourselves in each other, and neither one of us would care...

_Really? Getting turned on by watching the girl cook? Are you sixteen and completely unable to control yourself?_ I mentally berated both my thoughts and my body as I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and a lighter from the kitchen counter. "I, um, I'll be right back," I muttered at Bella, shoving my feet into a pair of sandals and heading for the door.

Bella said nothing as I slipped out my door. I shivered, eyeing the snowstorm I was about to walk into. I could have done without the cigarette, but what I really needed was the rush of cold air and to get away from Bella for a few minutes. Now that I was sober, having her in my apartment, having her there to take care of me...it was completely overwhelming.

Pulling my hood up, I quickly lit my cigarette and stepped out into the maelstrom. The wind slammed into me with a shock of cold, whipping the frigid snow at my cheeks. If there were anyone else foolish enough to be outside, I knew they would think me completely insane. The sandals I had shoved on had definitely been a poor choice, but I had been in such a hurry to get away from Bella that I hadn't thought of that.

As I stood shivering on my stoop, I took deep drags off the cigarette, trying to find a sense of calm. I wondered what Bella and I were going to do, alone, sober, and snowed-in together in my apartment. I realized I knew next to nothing about the girl, not really anyway. I knew how she liked her coffee, and that she preferred tequila to any other liquor, and that she was tough as nails. I suspected there was a long simmering hurt that had made her that way, and I wanted to know what it was. I wanted to know what made Bella, well, _Bella_. I wanted to know how she grew up, _where_ she grew up, if she had any siblings...I wanted to know what path she had taken that had ended in Brooklyn at a dive bar.

But what did I have to offer her? Why would Bella share her story with me? I shivered again, pulling the comforting smoke down into my lungs. I had long ago forgotten what it was that I wanted from my life; the only thing I was certain of in that moment was that I wanted Bella. Staring out across the snow-draped streets, watching the wind blow drifts across the road, I felt small and lost. The only thing I could offer her was myself, patched together as I was.

"'I had nothing to offer anyone but my own confusion,'" I muttered, blowing out another stream of smoke. The wind caught it and quickly sucked it away, sending another wave of snow in my direction. I was certain Bella didn't want me; as romantic a picture as it painted in the head of readers everywhere, there was nothing attractive about 'running from one falling star to another till I drop'. Bella deserved stable, someone with his life together...someone who would take care of her, not the other way around.

I had been outside in the snow for too long. I had smoked my cigarette down to the filter, and my teeth were chattering. I glared at the door, my stomach churning at the thought of trying to behave normally with Bella for the entire day. By the looks of the road and sidewalks, she wouldn't be going home until the next day. I doubted Rich would make us open the bar in this weather; it would be a waste of money. All of this meant that Bella would be spending the night, again.

_I'm so sleeping on the couch_, I vowed as I stepped back into the hallway, glad to be out of the wind. I didn't trust myself in the least with Bella beside me again in the bed; considering I was at half-mast over watching her scramble some eggs, I didn't want a repeat of the morning's mortifying awakening. I shuffled down to my own door, shoving it open with my shoulder from habit. "Fuck," I muttered, rubbing angrily at my shoulder as I recalled the bruises. Bella looked up as I entered, frowning as I brushed the snow off my sweatshirt. "What?" I asked stupidly, my mouth watering at the smells filling my kitchen.

"You went out in that wearing a sweatshirt?"

"I wanted a cigarette," I muttered defensively.

"Well, quit. You're in bad enough shape." She frowned again, but pushed a plate in my direction. It was heaped with scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon. My stomach rumbled, and I quickly grabbed the plate before sinking gratefully onto the couch.

"This looks amazing," I told her, greedily shoveling the food into my mouth. I couldn't remember the last time someone had made me breakfast, and I didn't care when I burned my tongue on the eggs. Bella was watching me, an amused expression on her face. She took a seat at the opposite end of the couch, putting as much distance between us as she could. The wreck of a coffee table sat in a pile before us, pushed against the wall where it mocked me.

"Well, enjoy it. When's the last time you went to a grocery store?"

"I have no idea. I usually just stop at the bodega on the corner. I eat a lot of eggs," I admitted sheepishly, realizing how pathetic my kitchen probably looked to Bella. My daily diet often consisted of cold cut sandwiches, cereal, or scrambled eggs. It was either that or take-out. Jessica hadn't cooked much either; she would usually just order salad when I got pizza. It was a miracle we both didn't have health problems.

"That would explain it. You better hope it stops snowing, or we're having cereal for dinner." Bella took a bite of her own eggs, and then snuck a glance back at me. If I didn't know better, I would have sworn she looked up at me from under her eyelashes on purpose. "I'm not opening the bar today, by the way. It's not worth it. No one's going out in this mess." She nodded toward the blowing snow outside the window, and then popped a piece of bacon in her mouth.

"We have options besides cereal. There's a pizza place on the next block. They're always open," I explained, leaning back into the couch cushions. My shoulder ached terribly, and my head still felt fuzzy from the hangover. I was definitely grateful to not have to work. I rested my empty plate on my knee and leaned my head back against the couch, letting my eyes slide shut. "And good. I'm glad Rich doesn't want us to come in."

I jumped when Bella's fingers brushed my knee, grabbing the plate as she moved back toward the kitchen. "You don't have to do that," I told her as I heard her turn the water on, followed by the clinking of dishes. "I'll wash them later."

"It'll take five minutes," she answered, and I sighed, giving up. I already knew Bella to be fairly set in her ways from our time at the bar, so I knew better than to argue with her. But the more time I spent with her, the more I saw that not only was she particular, but her defenses were high. I knew there was something behind her unyielding walls, something softer; I had seen it briefly when she had carefully inspected me for injuries after I had fallen into the table. I just couldn't figure out how to get her to show it to me again, without nearly killing myself. One black eye was enough, thanks.

"I made coffee." I opened my eyes to see her standing before me again, offering the cup out in her hands. It was black, just the way I liked it. I raised an eyebrow at her, surprised. "Yes, there's sugar in it. I do pay attention."

"But...I always buy the coffee."

"Yeah. Doesn't mean I haven't noticed how you take yours. I notice a lot of things."

"Oh?"

She sighed, curling her feet beneath her as she settled back on the couch. "Yes, Edward. You might think you're hiding behind your hangovers, but you're not as clever as you think."

"Care to explain?" I snapped, annoyed. Who did she think she was, telling me I was an open book? Did she not realize how much she gave away, with her quick retorts and sharp barbs? Did Bella really think I hadn't worked out that there was a deep, festering wound hiding behind her bravado?

"You talk about books like they're living, breathing things. You talk about home like you both simultaneously desperately miss it, and hate it with a passion. Your eyes turn a brilliant shade of green when you're angry...or turned on." She paused, refusing to look at me. "And I think you're glad Jessica is gone, even if you won't admit it. I think you got so drunk last night because now that she's gone, you can't spend all your time loathing her. And now, you don't know what to do with yourself to keep the demons at bay."

She didn't say anything else, just nervously shifted in her seat while sipping her coffee. I didn't know what to say; I was equal parts shock and fury. I wanted to lash out at her – how dare she lay it all out on my shattered table like she knew me? Bella didn't know me. Bella knew some version of me she had concocted up in her head from an outside's perspective.

_She's right_.

But I didn't care that she was right. In fact, I hated that she was right. I didn't want Bella to know all these things about me, when I knew so very little about her. Now that we had gotten out of the darkly lit bar, away from the barbs of stressed co-workers, I saw there was something lurking just under the surface with her. The confident, ballsy woman I was used to had morphed into a woman whose eyes darted anxiously about the room, and shied away from even a casual touch. Who the hell did she think she was to go ripping apart my secrets when she was obviously so very unwilling to share hers?

"Fine, Bella. You've got me all figured out," I said bitterly, wrapping my fingers around my cup of coffee. "Want to tell me what it is that happened to you to make you so cold?"

"I'm not cold."

I laughed, which I knew was a jackass move, but I couldn't help myself. I felt wounded, and backed into a corner, and just lashed out. "I'll give you that you've been unusually nice to me since you came over here last night – and I don't know why – but you're usually standoffish. It took me more than a year to realize you're not just a bitch."

"Fuck you." Bella slammed her coffee cup down on the end table and was on her feet. "You know, I thought, maybe, just maybe, that I was wrong about you. I came over here last night because I was _worried_ about you. You don't fucking know me, Edward, so don't you dare judge me!"

"So tell me, Bella. Tell me what happened to you."

"I don't need to explain myself to you. I'm going home. Put some fucking ice on your eye."

_Shit! _

"Bella, wait."

I leaned forward, grabbing onto her hand right before she got beyond my reach. Seeing her walk begin to walk away from me, after I had gotten so close to seeing the _real_ side of her, it made my breath catch in my throat. I was behaving like an idiot, and I knew it.

The sudden movement forward hurt my ribs, but I figured I deserved it. "I'm sorry. You were right, ok? About what you said about me. I...I don't like hearing what I've become, ok? Especially not from you; you're the one person in New York whose opinion I actually care about. I'm sorry I snapped at you. Please stay. The storm's really bad." My cheeks flamed with shame for my outburst. All Bella had done since I had called her in a drunken stupor was be nice to me, and much nicer than I deserved at that.

She remained still for a long moment, the silence weighing heavily on us both. My hand began to tingle where I held hers, and I dropped her hand in surprise. When I looked up, her eyes were widened in shock. _Did she feel that too?_ I wondered, backing myself into the corner of the couch again, waiting to see what she would do.

"Is it too early to start drinking again?" she finally asked, a forced smile on her lips.

I returned her tight smile, setting my coffee down on the floor next to the couch. "I have a bottle of Jameson somewhere, I think. Irish coffee?"

"I think I'm going to need it," she muttered, quietly enough I wasn't certain I was meant to hear.

Wincing, I hauled myself off the couch and opened the cabinet above the stove. Sure enough, the bottle of whiskey had escaped last night's drunken binge. Vowing to keep my stupidity to a minimum, I eased myself back down to the couch. I offered Bella the bottle, watching as she dumped a generous portion into her coffee. I added my own whiskey when she returned it, stirring slowly.

"You asked me last night if I studied lit at NYU. The answer is still yes, I did. But what I didn't tell you was that I never finished. I don't have my degree," I said slowly, looking down at the floor. I took a gulp of my coffee, relishing the burn down the back of my throat. "I haven't spoken to my parents in over a year. And I haven't seen my sister either because of it."

I snuck a glance at Bella out of the corner of my eye, watching carefully to see if my revelation had had any affect. I had an inexplicable need for her to trust me, and to get beyond her carefully guarded mask. I wanted to put her at ease and make her laugh. What I really wanted was to fall asleep that night with her curled in my arms.

"It's just Charlie and me," she finally said after a lengthy silence. "I don't have any siblings. I, um, I lost my mom when I was twelve." She took a deep breath and a long drink from her coffee, refusing to look at me. Her gaze was locked fast to the ruin of a coffee table piled next to the wall. "Charlie, he didn't do so well after my mom died. I took care of us both." She finally turned to look at me, her eyes glassy with tears I knew she was too proud to shed.

_Why doesn't she call him Dad? I would never call my father Carlisle. _I remained silent, unsure if it was wise to speak yet. I was shocked that Bella had lost her mother at such a young age, but it bothered me even more how she spoke of her father. To me, it sounded like when she had lost her mother, her father had checked out as well. If Bella had had to raise herself, it would explain a lot about her behavior...

_Is this the 'something' that she was talking about earlier? I wonder how her mom died..._

"I own the bar, Edward," Bella finally said, her words soft and barely audible. "My father gave me the money from my mom's life insurance policy. I decided to use it to buy a bar in town, and I've been growing the business out from there."

"But, what about Rich?" I asked, now completely confused. _Bella owns the bar?_ I thought to myself, shocked. _All those times...you were mouthing off to your boss. Bella is your boss!_

"I bought the place from Rich. We agreed that he would stay on as the face of the bar. He just wants to hang out with all his other retired friends, Edward. He doesn't want the stress of running the place," she said with a wry laugh. I noticed she had drained her coffee and was eyeing the whiskey bottle. After a lengthy pause, she grabbed it and poured some straight into her coffee mug.

"How many bars do you own?" I asked hesitantly.

"Including this one? Three. One in my hometown, which I keep mostly so Charlie has someplace to hang out with his old cop buddies. There's another one up in the Berkshires that's only open during the summer tourist season."

"So why the hell have you been down here, bartending with me all these years? Jesus, Bella, I'm not complaining, but how have you not fired me?"

She chuckled, sipping her whiskey and wincing. "Oh, I've thought about it." She sighed, curling deeper into her corner of the couch and finally settling her gaze firmly on me. "I knew you didn't finish your degree. Or at least, I guessed. And sometimes...I think I see something of myself in you. I never went to college; I just followed my dreams. I don't know what your dream is. But I know it's not the damn bar, ok? And I guess I've stayed in Brooklyn...because I wanted to keep an eye on you."

"But..." I sighed, reaching for the whiskey and adding more to my coffee. I gulped down as much as I could stand before speaking again. "Bella, I thought you hated me. You've been a bitch." I held my hands up as soon as her eyes narrowed, rushing to explain. "Sorry. I'm really glad you're here, now. I'm glad we're talking. But you've been...you act like you despise me."

"I don't hate you," she answered immediately. She flushed deeply, her eyes darting across the room. "Being around you isn't always easy. And that idiot girlfriend of yours was always in my bar, throwing up in the bathroom or generally making a scene."

"Ex-girlfriend," I corrected, feeling my own cheeks flame. With distance, I knew most of Jessica's antics had been a cry for attention; the more I had ignored her, the more she had escalated them. I could only imagine how it must have looked to Bella.

"Right. Ex." She sighed, lolling her head back against the couch. Her eyes were hazy, the whiskey obviously having done its job. She looked like she was finally relaxing, and it brought a smile to my face.

"You think my eyes are a brilliant shade of green?" I blurted out, unable to stop myself. I blushed as I recalled the rest of her statement. _She can tell when I'm turned on? I mean, I know it was obvious this morning and all, but I _thought _I was keeping it together. _

"You already know the answer to that," she replied quietly, her cheeks flushing even deeper. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her eyes gazing over my head and through the window.

"I wish you would smile more. You're beautiful when you smile," I told her, watching as the blush began to fade from her cheeks. Her eyes snapped back to mine, an embarrassed smile working its way across her face.

Bella leaned down, grabbing the whiskey bottle and splashing more into her cup. She held it out to me, stretching her legs out on the couch. Her bare feet rested on my thigh, and her intense gaze dared me to move them. The tiny gesture told me I had survived this round with Bella.

"Enough of the serious talk. You must have a movie we can watch?"

I chuckled, nodding as I poured myself more whiskey and set the bottle down. "Yeah, Bella, I'm sure we can agree on something. But you're going to have to move your feet so I can get up." _And so when I sit down, I can arrange myself to keep your damn feet far enough away from me that I don't give myself away._

She moved her feet slowly, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "And Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"Put some ice on your eye. You look like you just got thrown out of a bar."

I shook my head, walking slowly toward the kitchen to do as she had bid. I couldn't help but chuckle lightly as I filled a plastic bag with ice and wrapped it in a dish towel. There was a fierceness to Bella, a protective instinct that I had either never seen, or perhaps just never noticed before, and I liked it. I smiled as I pressed the ice to my cheek, settling back down after popping in a movie. Bella threw her legs over mine once again, and grabbed the blanket resting on the back of the couch. She threw it over her legs as I leaned back into the leather with a contented sigh, fully prepared to not move for the entire afternoon.

AN: Bookgeek80 rocks, even if she does call me a fic cockblocker. Guess I deserve that...

I'm going on vacation shortly, so the good news is I'll have lots of time to write. Not so good news is that internet access will be spotty at best, so chapter 7 may take a little extra time to get posted. My mental outline says it'll be worth the wait. ;) In the meantime, I would love your reviews!

Edward is quoting from Jack Kerouac's "On the Road"

Author's PS (because who wants AN part 2?): A number of you have left comments or PMed me that you would love to see this fic get the recognition you think it deserves. I am more flattered than I can tell you by messages like that! I would love for that to happen too! Feel free to pimp the fic out on twitter or blogs, or even just word of mouth ;)


	7. 7 Confessions

Disclaimer: While I don't own Edward, I do own this incarnation of Lostward. Please don't steal him.

7. Confessions

* * *

Charles Dickens once wrote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness," as he began his story of war and mayhem. He called it _A Tale of Two Cities_; I felt like my hours with her had been _A Tale of Two Bellas_. I ranged between hope and despair, lust and shame, as I sat a mere three feet away from her on the couch that afternoon.

When I had decided on a movie, I had chosen the first in a trilogy, figuring it would end the 'what to watch' game for the next six or seven hours. It would also give me a way to avoid talking to Bella if I wanted to. She had me unable to tell up from down; was it ok to be her friend? Was it ok to flirt with her? Was I allowed to touch her, or smile at her? Or was I just supposed to keep my hands – and my thoughts – to myself? I feared I had too many questions to chance opening my mouth; once I started talking, I knew word vomit was sure to follow.

Fortunately, we ended up watching all three movies in relative silence. But it wasn't the awkward silence I had feared; I had never been so comfortable not talking to someone for hours at a time before. Bella shifted a few times, but mostly kept to her original position, her legs slung across mine. She didn't say much, but looked right at home on my worn leather couch. I wished in that moment I was better with a camera. She looked so beautiful and content it would have made the perfect picture; _she_ looked perfect. Her hair tumbled over her shoulders in sexy waves, and her cheeks were slightly rosy from the whiskey that we kept sipping on as the afternoon went on. It wasn't enough to get drunk – after the night before, I'd had enough of being falling-down drunk for awhile – but it kept a steady buzz up. I was grateful that it took the edge off my throbbing shoulder.

Though it did seem to aggravate other throbbing parts of me.

I watched Bella out of the corner of my eye as the movies played. I barely paid attention; I'd seen them all before. I was far more interested in watching Bella; the way her eyes narrowed when a character did something foolish, the slight smirk when she thought something clever, and the way her laughter would burst forward when she was really amused. I purposefully nursed my whiskey, determined not to make a drunken fool out of myself again.

When the third movie finally came to a close, it was after eight in the evening and the snow was still falling rapidly while the wind raged; without the sound from the TV, I could hear the windows rattle. But I didn't care. I was snug and warm on the couch.

The streetlights cast a faint glow on Bella's skin as she sleepily lolled her head back against the couch cushion. She stretched her arms above her head, the T-shirt rising tantalizingly close to exposing her stomach. I wanted another glimpse of her smooth skin; I wanted to reach out and feel it under my fingertips again.

I really wanted to kiss her.

"I'm hungry," she announced, nudging me with her foot and breaking me out of my spell. "Think we can make it to that pizza place you were talking about earlier?"

"I can go get it," I told her, shivering as I eyed the howling snow on the other side of the windows. A protective surge I couldn't place overwhelmed me, and I didn't want Bella anywhere near the mess outside my windows. It wasn't far, but given that she'd arrived in jeans and a light jacket, I didn't want her out in the storm; I wanted her safe and warm on my couch.

"Don't be ridiculous. I can go with you. Wouldn't want you to fall down and get another black eye," she teased, lightly kicking at me again with her outstretched foot. It sat dangerously high on my thigh, and I shifted in my seat to get away from her. I'd never really cared about women's feet before, but Bella was going to quickly change my mind if she kept it up.

"But then I'd have a matching set," I shot back, moving her feet from my lap and standing. I quickly stepped around the back of the couch, leaning down to talk to her while hiding my not-so-little problem. "Seriously, Bella, you don't have anything warm here. It's a five minute walk. I'll be fine."

"If it's only a five minute walk, then I'm sure I can survive. You must have an extra hat and scarf."

"That's not the point. You came over here and took care of me last night. Just let me take care of dinner, ok?"

"You can pay." Ignoring my protests, she got to her feet and started off toward my bedroom. "I'll find something for myself if you don't come help me," she threatened with a smirk, pausing midway down the hall with one hand on her hip.

I sighed, giving in. I wanted to insist that she stay put in the apartment but I seemed to be fighting a losing battle. I didn't want to piss her off; we had finally gotten past snarking at each other. A part of me even wondered if maybe in the quiet darkness of my bed, we could make progress of a different kind. I thought back to her reaction to me that morning; she hadn't been _that_ upset at how obviously turned on I was by her presence. She also hadn't been shy about draping her feet all over me.

I bundled Bella up as best I could. Even my old peacoat was much too large for her and came down past her knees, but she grinned like a fool at me anyway, the sleeves flopping down over her hands. I couldn't help but chuckle as I wrapped one of my scarves around her, fighting the urge to stare into her cocoa eyes as I did so. If I stared for too long, I would want to kiss her even more than I already did, and I'd had just enough whiskey for that to seem like a good idea.

It may have been my imagination, but I could have sworn I saw Bella tilt her head to touch her nose to the scarf as I turned away. I hoped it wasn't my imagination; it was a promising sign if she liked the way my clothes smelled.

I regretted allowing Bella to join me as soon as we stepped out of the front door. Sure, she looked cute wrapped in my winter gear, her cheeks flushed from the whiskey, but the cold slammed me back into reality. I opened my mouth to protest her joining me, but she was already down the stairs and waiting for me on the sidewalk. With a shiver, I rushed after her, careful of the slick spots on the steps. The last thing we needed was for either of us to fall on a patch of ice. I could only imagine the comments from the regulars at the bar if we both showed up with black eyes...

We walked in silence down the rest of my block, stopping at the corner before crossing the street. The wind gusted again, sending a spray of snow back into our faces. Bella gasped and shivered as the icy spray blasted her in the face.

"Seriously, Bella," I began, turning toward her, "take the keys and go back to the apartment. You're freezing."

"It's just a little cold. C'mon, one more block." The wind threw another handful of snow in our direction, and Bella stepped closer, pressing her face to my chest to shield it from the snow.

_Okay..._ I thought to myself, wrapping one arm around her waist and tugging her closer as we began to walk again. _Well, I guess this is better than walking alone..._

I expected Bella to pull away as we entered the warm pizza shop, but she stayed close to me. I could feel her shivering beneath the wool, and cursed her stubborn nature. Sort of.

_You could always warm her up when you get back to the apartment... _

_Stop it, Edward! _I berated myself, glancing down at Bella's snow-dampened hair where it had escaped the hat I'd forced on her. _You're going to get your hopes up for nothing. You're not drunk tonight, so you can't use that as an excuse for anything stupid you say to her. _

By the time we finally got back into the apartment, Bella was shaking from the cold. I really wanted to shoot off an "I told you so" but resisted when I saw the bluish tint to her lips. I was freezing myself, the wind having blown the snow down the collar of my coat; icy trickles of melting water snuck down my spine and made me shiver. I wanted to immediately get into a hot shower and stay there for hours.

But in a rare moment of absolute clarity, I knew Bella was more important.

"C'mon, Bella, let's get you warm," I began, reaching to pull the wet hat from her head. Her hair came tumbling down around her shoulders, loose and wavy. The fruity scent of her shampoo assaulted me as she shivered again, running her fingers through her hair. "Why don't you go warm up in the shower? We can reheat the pizza later."

"Okay," she agreed, taking a hesitant step toward the bathroom. "Towels?"

"There's a bunch of clean ones in the linen closet just behind the door."

She smiled before walking off toward the bathroom, the door closing softly behind her. I did my best to distract myself from Bella being naked just on the other side of my bathroom door, and focused on pulling out clean clothes for both myself and her in case she wanted them. I didn't change just yet, knowing I wanted to jump in the shower quickly as well. I was also hoping to have enough energy for a shave; I had caught a glimpse of my disgraceful appearance in the hall mirror when we'd returned from getting the pizza, and I didn't want Bella to see me like that. It was bad enough that I still had the black eye, and would for weeks.

After I ran out of things to do in my bedroom, I escaped before my mind wandered too far down the fantasy path. I busied myself in the kitchen, putting the pizza away for later, cleaning up the coffee mugs and liquor bottles. Bella had cleaned up most of the mess the night before, but I took out the garbage and brought the empties to the recycling. I smoked a cigarette shivering on the stoop to kill time, anxious for a fix of some kind, anything at all to calm my nerves.

When I came in the door, Bella was standing in the hall wrapped in a towel, an apologetic look on her face. I couldn't help but watch as a drop of water fell from her hair onto her shoulder, sliding down between her breasts. "I saw the clothes on your bed, but I didn't know if it was okay..."

"Of course it's okay, Bella. Grab whatever you want from my closet if it doesn't fit. I tried to find some smaller sizes from a few years ago. I figured you didn't want to wear Jessica's stuff..."

"No," she replied quickly, her cheeks flushing. "No, your clothes are fine."

"Okay, well, I'm going to go grab a quick shower and then we can eat. Sound good?"

"Sure."

I forced a smile and quickly made my way into the bathroom. Why were things suddenly awkward between us? Was it the sight of Bella in only the short towel, her creamy legs nearly completely exposed, and the swell of her breasts peeking out from the top of the towel? Why was she asking my permission to get dressed? Did she think I expected her to walk around naked?

_Not that it would be a bad thing...Bella naked. I could get used to that._

I groaned, reaching into the shower and twisting the knob violently. I debated a cold shower for a long moment, but as I got undressed, I knew there was only one way to solve my problem. I'd been walking around semi-hard, if not at full attention, since Bella had walked into the apartment nearly twenty-four hours ago. I had another full night to spend with her, and I doubted very much that she would be willing to help me out. Though it would have been nice...

I stepped under the warm spray after checking that the door was locked. I'd had enough embarrassing moments with Bella as of late; I didn't need her walking in on me jerking off because I couldn't control myself around her. Our conversation moments ago had been awkward enough without her knowing I was fantasizing over her like some hormonal teenager.

Yet thinking about Bella anywhere near my dick made me hard all over again. With a groan, I reached down and wrapped my fingers firmly around the base of my cock. I began to stroke myself and rub my thumb across the tip, but I quickly gave up on drawing it out, my mind imagining Bella's hands on me, Bella's mouth wrapped around me, Bella's body in the shower with me, her skin slick from the water...

I let the fantasy play itself out further, bracing myself against the tile wall as the hot spray ran down my body. I pictured Bella in the shower with me, watching me pleasure myself, her eyes alight with lust. Fantasy Bella stepped forward and wrapped her fingers around mine, stroking in unison with me, her lips curled into a seductive smile as she held my stare.

My breathing had become labored, and I leaned more of my weight against the tiles, completely caught up in my fantasy. I pictured the curve of her hip from earlier that morning, the way my T-shirt stretched tightly across her breasts, and thought about what it would feel like to bury my cock between their soft curves. With a firmer stroke, I envisioned my hand and the warm water as Bella's body, Bella's heated wetness, and as my hips pressed forward in my hand, I envisioned Bella up against the shower wall, panting and begging for more. I gasped as my thumb hit the sensitive spot along the head again, and the tightening sensation in my stomach became nearly unbearable.

I thrust into my hand harder with a low groan, pumping my dick for all it was worth. "Oh, god, Bella," I grunted under my breath, my eyes squeezed shut as I imagined her body with me in the shower, and her body drawing the waves of physical pleasure from me. My hips jerked with my sudden release, and I groaned loudly, resting my head against the tiles in relief as I rode out the high. I desperately wished Bella had been in the shower with me, and that it hadn't all been a fantasy. I turned my face back toward the spray, letting the hot water rush over my still-twitching muscles as I took a few deep breaths. I leaned back against the cool tile as I finally went soft, but in the back of my mind, I knew the relief was short-lived. As long as I was around Bella, I was going to be perpetually turned on, but I told myself it would be easier this way. At least for the next hour, I should be able to control myself.

Maybe.

With a sigh, I pushed myself up from the wall, trying to force my fantasy of Bella from my mind. Instead, all I could do was think about her in the shower only moments earlier, naked and wet. I groaned again, wondering when I would be able to control myself. I balled my hands into fists at my side, fighting for calm...and proceeded to send the shampoo bottle crashing to the bottom of the tub with my elbow.

_Shit! Hope Bella didn't hear that...Oh well, even if she did, I can just claim clumsy. I already gave myself a black eye right in front of her just by being a dumbass..._

I cleaned up quickly, afraid Bella would question my protracted shower and all the noise I was making. Grimacing at my steamy reflection once I had turned the water off, I knew I couldn't avoid a shave any longer. Standing in the warm damp of the bathroom with only a towel around my waist, I grabbed my razor and began to carefully shave, trying to avoid the small nicks which had started to heal along my jaw line.

By the time I finished, the bathroom had cooled and I had goosebumps. In my haste to get away from the awkward conversation with Bella, I had neglected to grab my clean clothes, so I cautiously opened the door and ducked into the hallway toward the bedroom.

Bella was asleep on my bed, her long hair wet and spread across the pillow. She was wearing another pair of my sweatpants, rolled at the waist, and a track tank from my first year at NYU. I wondered if she had bothered to eat anything, or if she had just collapsed into bed, exhausted from the whiskey and the cold walk.

I dressed quickly before she could wake up, tossing the towel into a basket of dirty laundry. I didn't bother to put a shirt on; I preferred sleeping without one – to be honest, I preferred sleeping in nothing at all – and I figured Bella wouldn't mind my compromise. I debated whether or not to put on sweatpants, but decided at the last minute it was a good idea. Being too naked too close to Bella could get embarrassing awfully fast.

The pizza forgotten, I crawled onto the bed beside her, dragging the quilt from the bottom up to cover both of us. I didn't want to disturb her to move her under the blankets already on the bed, but it was cold. I moved as close to her as I dared, threading my fingers through her hair in an attempt to gently comb it out. I held my breath, tracing my thumb along her cheek and over her eyelashes, loving the feel of her skin under my touch. Part of me was afraid she would wake up; part of me wished she would.

I ran my fingers over her shoulder and down along the curve of her arm, fascinated by the goosebumps that trailed behind my touch. She stirred, but didn't wake, and I sighed contentedly. I eased back against the pillows, resuming my careful stroking of her hair. She had used my shampoo, which didn't smell nearly as good on her as her own fruity kind had, but there was still the scent that was _Bella_ underneath it.

"That feels really nice," she muttered sleepily, her eyes remaining closed. I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of her voice, and went to pull my hand back. "Don't stop," she mumbled, inching her way closer to me. "You're so warm..."

Bella pressed her cheek to my chest, pulling her entire body along with her. My body reacted quickly, and I tried to pull back from her just enough to hide my misbehaving dick; I wanted to lie there running my fingers through her hair while Bella fell back to sleep in my arms. A raging hard-on would give Bella the wrong idea of my intentions, no matter what my body wanted in the moment.

"No," she muttered again, pressing herself back against me when I tried to pull away. "I'm cold. Stay, Edward."

My dick twitched at her words; I was already pressed against her stomach, and I wanted more. I knew she could feel me; it would have been impossible for her not to, half-asleep or not. It puzzled me that she didn't mind; in fact, she seemed to like it. Bella shifted against me, wrapping one arm around my waist. It almost seemed as if she had _purposefully_ pressed her hips closer, and my cock strained against the sweatpants, painfully hard. I wanted her, and I wanted her badly.

Ignoring the wishes of my body, I nuzzled my face into her hair and continued to run my fingers through it. She sighed softly, her body relaxing against mine, and I thought perhaps I had gone to heaven. Her breathing deepened and I thought she had fallen asleep again...until I felt her nails tracing idle patterns on my back.

It was my turn to sigh in contentment.

Bella's fingers trailed up and down my spine, wandering over my hip and chest before disappearing down over my ribs. It was a slow, delicious torture, and I gave up trying to hide anything from her. If she had a problem with how turned on I was, she would have done something about it...something that didn't gradually make it worse and worse. I thought back to my time in the shower, and wondered if maybe dreams really did come true.

I shifted against her, tilting my hips toward hers in an attempt to gain some friction, to gain _something_ to soothe the throbbing which had reappeared rather quickly between my legs. Bella stopped stroking her fingers down my back, and instead pressed her palm between my shoulder blades, her fingers splayed.

_Is that her way of saying she likes this?_ I wondered, wrapping one arm around her back. I didn't move again, instead pressing my nose into her hair. Bella hadn't said a word since she had encouraged me to play with her hair, and I was at a loss. It _seemed_ like she wanted it, or wanted something, anything, but I had no idea what. And it seemed strange to me that if there was something Bella wanted, she didn't just take it. Where was bossy, ballsy Bella from the bar who ordered me around? Who was this soft, affectionate girl in my bed that ran her fingernails deliciously down my spine? I loved both sides of her, but I wasn't sure when to expect which.

"Bella...?" I breathed against her ear, letting the question hang in the air. I wanted her; she knew I wanted her. It was obvious in every movement of my body against hers. I was almost certain she wanted me just as badly, but short of pulling her pants off I wasn't going to find a guaranteed answer...I thought again of the shower fantasies, and suddenly a host of naughty ideas were really starting to seem like good ones. I let myself imagine undressing her, and finding her wet and ready. I imagined sliding into her, and having slow, passionate sex wrapped up in each other in my bed. I imagined tangling my fingers in her hair, kissing the delicate skin along her neck as I thrust into her. And then I imagined falling asleep with her in my arms, waking up, and doing it all over again.

"Yes," she mumbled into my chest, no hint of a question in her tone. Her lips moved against my skin, and I shivered from the sensation. I took it as a confirmation, and bent my lips to her neck, kissing lightly. She sighed, and I knew I wasn't going to get pushed away.

I trailed kisses down her throat, shifting down the bed to gain access to her shoulders and collarbones. She mumbled incoherently, her fingers pressing against my back as I continued to kiss her. My lips ached to touch hers, but I resisted, drawing it out as long as I could. I wanted to make Bella want me as I wanted her; I wanted her to ache the way I did.

I could hear her breathing catch as I brushed my lips against the hollow of her throat, one hand twisted in her hair. I tilted her head back, giving myself better access to her neck, nipping lightly at her earlobe as I worked my way back toward her mouth.

Bella turned her head as soon as I got closer, capturing my lips with hers. Her hand that had been trailing down my back went to my hair, her fingers burying themselves in the strands as she pulled me closer. The kiss was all fire and passion, and Bella was suddenly very awake, her mouth firm and insistent on mine. She pushed on my chest with her other hand, and I suddenly found myself on my back with Bella straddling my hips.

I opened my mouth to speak, but Bella wasn't having any of that. She leaned back down, kissing me until we were both breathless. I ran my hands along her arms and down her legs, savoring the feel of her weight on top of me. My hands snuck under her shirt, trailing the same soft patch of skin I had found that morning, but this time, Bella only kissed me harder. I tentatively grasped her hips, pushing her down against mine, and was shocked when she only aided the process, grinding herself against me.

_What the hell has gotten into her?_ I wondered, thinking back over the afternoon. Bella had been relaxed, perhaps even bordering on flirty, but nothing like she was behaving now. I didn't want to wake up in the morning to find it had all been a dream, but if Bella kept swiveling her hips on top of mine, I was going to be a goner.

I pushed back on her shoulders, struggling to catch my breath. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes wild. "I can't tell you how long I've wanted this," she whispered, running one hand down my chest as she sat up.

"Bella, I've wanted you since that first day you hired me. I can't tell you the fantasies I've had about this..."

"Did you have one of those in the shower earlier?"

"How...what...um..." I flushed scarlet, avoiding her amused gaze. I thought I had been fast...and quiet.

"You were in there a long time, and I heard you knocking stuff over," she replied, and I felt her hand on my jaw. _Stupid shampoo._ "And after how you woke up this morning...well, I just thought..."

My eyes snapped open again, watching as she nervously bit her lip while her cheeks flamed. I couldn't figure her out. One minute, she was in complete control, making me forget my own name; the next, she was shy and seemingly afraid of my reaction.

"Yes," I finally answered, catching her gaze and holding it with my own. My own cheeks were deeply flushed as I made the admission, but somehow I knew I had to own up to it. "Yes, Bella."

She smiled, nodding her head a little at the confirmation. "I knew it," she whispered in my ear, bending her mouth to mine again. She ran her tongue lightly, teasingly, over my lips, pulling back each time I tried to kiss her. She nipped at my bottom lip, drawing it between hers, all the while moving over me ever so slightly.

But I couldn't take it. I had wanted Bella too badly, for too long, to let her play games. With a growl, I flipped her over onto her back, settling my weight over her as she giggled. "Impatient?" she asked playfully, running one of her hands down my side. She slid her fingers under my pants, splaying her fingers out to pull me more tightly against her.

"I've been waiting for a long time," I reminded her, pressing my mouth to hers. There was nothing teasing in my actions. I kissed her until we were both gasping, my hands wandering over her shoulders and under her shirt, but avoiding her breasts. I still wasn't certain what exactly was going on between us, and I sensed there was a line with Bella, a line I wasn't sure it was okay to cross just yet.

"How long?" Bella asked breathlessly as I bent my lips to her neck, hoping for a repeat of the soft sighs the action had earned me the first time.

"How long what?"

"How long have you wanted me, like this?"

"I told you, since the day you hired me."

"But...you've had a girlfriend..."

"I thought you hated me. I thought I didn't have a shot with you."

"I still don't understand why you thought that."

_Do we really need to talk about this right now?_ I wondered, pulling myself up on my elbows to look at her. She was biting her lip again and refusing to meet my stare. _Why is she so hot and cold?_

"Bella..." I said softly, running my thumb along her lips. "Bella, why does it matter? You don't hate me. I'm more happy than I can tell you that you don't hate me. Please...just kiss me."

She frowned, kissing back as I lowered my mouth to hers, but the spark was gone. Bella was clearly distracted, and not nearly as into it as she had been moments earlier. We kissed for another few minutes, my hands wandering in an attempt to recapture her interest, but she was distracted, and that was that.

"Let's go eat, okay?" she finally asked, pushing on my shoulders. Her eyes refused to meet mine, and I wondered what I had done to strike such a nerve. I rolled off her, watching as she quickly got out of bed before following after her with a sigh.

_We had everything before us, we had nothing before us._

We walked to the kitchen in silence, Bella sliding onto one of the bar stools while I pulled the pizza out of the refrigerator and set the temperature on the oven. The silence grew heavier and heavier as I pulled the pizza out of the box and put it into the oven.

The silence made the air so thick I felt like I was choking; I had to say something. "What did I do?" I finally asked, leaning back against the counter and folding my arms over my chest. I hadn't bothered to put a shirt on, and it didn't escape my notice the way Bella's eyes lingered on me. _Good_.

"You didn't do anything. I just got hungry."

"You didn't seem hungry at all before that."

"Are you really getting on my case because I pushed you away?"

"No!" I groaned, moving my hands to my temples and squeezing my eyes shut in frustration. "No, it's not that you pushed me away. It's that you won't _talk_ to me right now. You won't let me...what is it, Bella? You wouldn't let me go get the damn pizza for you. You've been so good to me since you came over, and I just wanted to take care of dinner for you. You wouldn't even let me do that! You won't accept that I want you, and that I _have_ wanted you, for a long time. I know you said that it was just you and your dad growing up, but Jesus, Bella, have you ever just let someone take care of you?"

"No!" she replied shortly, glaring at me across the kitchen. "No, Edward, I haven't. I don't have that luxury. And you can barely take care of yourself. How do you propose to take care of me?"

Her comment stung. I stared at her, too shocked to speak. _I thought we were finally getting somewhere. What the hell is going on here? _ I wondered desperately, wishing I could take back the last fifteen minutes. I wanted to be back in my bed, running my fingers through her hair and breathing her in. _Where did it go so wrong, so badly?_

"I...I don't know, Bella," I finally said slowly, a flush of embarrassment creeping into my cheeks. "I just wanted to take care of you _tonight_, ok? I wasn't thinking about anything more than that."

"So you were planning on snowed-in one-night-stand sex and then back to work like nothing ever happened?"

"No! No, I wasn't planning on one-night anything with you, okay? I called you last night because I...I was drunk, and I wanted you here. And I'm really, really glad you came over. I'm really glad you kissed me like that, before. I want to kiss you like that all night long, and any other night you'll let me. But you're frustrating the living shit out of me right now. Please, Bella, just _talk_ to me," I repeated, exasperated. I took a step closer to her, reaching out to cup her cheek with my palm. "What happened to you?" I whispered, searching her eyes. Her cheeks were flushed and she refused to meet my gaze, but I could feel the slightest tremble of her body.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, pulling away from me. When she opened her eyes again, they were cold and closed off. "I changed my mind. I'm not that hungry. I think I'll just go back to sleep. The storm is supposed to pass by midday tomorrow, so I'm going to head down to the bar early."

"Bella..."

"Good night, Edward."

She walked back toward the bedroom without another word or glance.

"What the fuck," I muttered under my breath, slamming my hand down on the counter in frustration. I wanted to scream, drink a bottle of whiskey, and smoke a pack of cigarettes all at once.

I turned the oven off, leaving the damn pizza where it was. Bella had been right. I could barely take care of myself. What right did I have to expect her to believe anything I said? I wanted her, and I knew I wanted her; my physical attraction had been more than obvious to her, but was she missing the rest of it? Was she missing that I didn't see her as some girl I'd like to fuck as a rebound? Was she missing that I could easily see myself with her? I knew that I wanted much, much more than two nights snowed-in at my apartment, but how was I supposed to prove that to her?

And how was I going to explain to her what exactly it was that I wanted from her when I didn't even know myself? I knew I wanted Bella – I wanted to kiss her, I wanted her in my bed, and I wanted more than just the physical side of a relationship. I was already intoxicated by the scent of her skin on my sheets, and the sight of her in my T-shirt in the kitchen, but what did any of that mean? What had she railed at me, about just wanting _someone_? Was she right? Was I just using Bella? Bella didn't deserve to be used.

I stood in the middle of the kitchen at a complete loss. Behind my bedroom door, I had no idea what state Bella was in. I was terrified she was crying; the sight of Bella crying would tear me to shreds. She might have been angry, which at least I could deal with. Hell, I already had a black eye. Or, she could have simply gone to sleep, as if none of it mattered. That option scared me the most.

Telling myself to grow a pair, I started down the hallway to my bedroom. The room was dark as I entered, and Bella was sitting on the edge of the bed, her shoulders hunched as she stared out the window at the falling snow.

I walked slowly toward her, giving her the chance to tell me to get out, or fuck off, or whatever it was that she was going to say. She said nothing. I reached for her hands, pulling her up and against my chest. She moved robotically, without saying a word.

"Bella, you need to believe me. I know my life is a shambles right now, but I'm going to fix it. I have no idea how, but I'm going to. You make me want to be a better man. You make me want to have the things I used to want. I don't know what I've done to make you think that I'm the sort of man that would just use you and toss you away like yesterday's garbage, but I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for whatever it is that happened to you that makes you see the worst in people."

I took a deep breath, carefully holding Bella against me. I could feel her trembling, and I held my breath, waiting for her to speak – hoping she would speak.

"I don't know how to do this," she finally whispered, her hands balling into fists against my chest. "You make me...you make me crazy, Edward. No one pisses me off like you do. I've never hated you, but you just...you really get under my skin." She raised her eyes to mine, and I lost myself in the myriad of confusion I saw there. "I haven't had a...I haven't been with someone, like this, in years. I can't...one day, maybe I can...I just need you to leave it be for now, okay? There's things...I can't talk about it now, with you."

"Okay," I agreed, forcing myself to keep my tone light while my brain was reeling. _Years? What about how she was with that delivery kid? What about how she flirts with guys at the bar? I piss her off? How do I piss her off? I mean I know I'm an idiot sometimes but...damn. Who is this Bella? Do I even know the real her? Who's the girl at the bar?_

I was baffled by her behavior. One minute, she was riding my ass about being a drunken failure, and confidently shoving me down onto the bed when she wanted to kiss me; the next, she was gnawing on her lip, refusing to meet my gaze, and seemingly an all around insecure mess.

With a soft kiss against her forehead, I led her back to the bed, pulling back the blankets before gently pushing her down. She settled back against the pillows, and I sighed, looking around for a shirt. It seemed too personal to get in bed with her again without one.

"Edward..." she said softly, sitting up in bed. She patted the mattress next to her, flipping back the blankets. "I'm cold."

I eyed her warily, knowing the weight of the words she had chosen. She wanted me to get in the bed with her, just the way I was, and curl up together under the blankets. It seemed heavenly, but she had made me uneasy with her behavior. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, and I was desperately afraid I was going to screw things up. She had just admitted I made her angry like no one else, and I'd seen Bella angry at the bar; the last thing I wanted was Bella angry in my bed.

_Oh, fuck it_, I finally told myself, sliding into bed beside her. I pulled her against me tightly, running my fingers through her hair as she settled against my chest. Hesitantly, I slid my hand under her shirt, caressing the delicate skin on the small of her back. She sighed, nuzzling her lips against my chest. She kissed me a few times, light kisses that made tingles run down my spine, before settling against me. I forced myself to remain calm, remembering the look of hurt and anger on her face in the kitchen, and not wanting to push it. The warmth of her body against mine would have to be enough for tonight.

Bella had told me that I made her angrier than anyone else could; I wanted to tell her that she had turned my entire world upside down. I had never had a woman affect me the way Bella did, and while she had it in her to make me happy, she also left me feeling worthless and inane. It felt like we were both being tugged in separate directions, from one extreme to the other. I wanted to show her how she made me feel instead of making promises I knew she wouldn't believe.

I fell into a troubled sleep, uncertain of what morning would bring, Dickens' words echoing in my head: _We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way. _

_

* * *

_

AN: Everyone should thank Bookgeek80 for being my beta and constantly pushing me to be better. If not, that shower scene would be three sentences and lots less interesting.

I've entered a one shot for PTB's "I Can't Believe It's Not Canon" Contest. I'd love for you guys to check it out and maybe (pretty please?) vote for me. =)

http://www(dot)projectteambeta(dot)com/challenges-awards


	8. 8 Ramparts

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, and I don't own even one bar. I do own a whole bunch of Norton Anthologies.

This chapter is early because, well, my Monday sucked, and I'm completely blown away by the attention this fic has been getting lately. Posting this early was the only adequate way I could think of to say thanks!

8. Ramparts

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, it was cold. Too cold.

I rolled over, reaching for Bella's warmth, absently wondering if I was going to spend the morning arguing with the super over the antiquated heating system again. This was not the first time it had broken, and I could already feel my temper rising at the thought of Bella being subjected to it.

All thoughts of my apartment's faulty heating system vanished as I realized the bed was empty.

I groaned loudly, blinking in the bright sunlight streaming through the blinds. I got out of bed, groggily stumbled to the window, and peeked out. The outside world was blazingly white, and nearly blinding; brilliant sunshine reflected up into my bedroom off the monstrous amount of snow. I blinked a few times, struggling to make sense of the scene outside. I had gone to bed in the middle of a maelstrom.

I padded out toward the kitchen, hoping to smell bacon and find Bella once again cooking in my clothes – but the kitchen was cold and empty too. I found my cellphone where I had left it on the kitchen counter, glaring at the blinking light which meant I had a new message. I reluctantly reached for the phone, my stomach clenched in unhappy knots. Bella was definitely not in my apartment, and that gave the blinking red light an ominous feel.

_Went to the bar early. Don't be late._

"What the hell, Bella?" I grumbled to myself, slamming the phone back down onto the counter. It was just before noon; I wondered how long I had been sleeping alone. Slamming the drawers and cabinets as I moved around the kitchen, I set about making coffee, muttering under my breath the entire time.

_What the hell is her problem? She couldn't just wake me up to say she was leaving? She just takes off for the bar, like the last two days didn't happen? Where are my clothes? Did she take those with her too?_

I considered that for a moment, and decided it was better she did that than leave them neatly folded somewhere in the apartment. It was just another of my psychological hang-ups, but I knew the sight of the abandoned clothes, neatly left behind, would only serve to make my mood worse.

Stalking back down the hallway to the bathroom, I noticed the date on the calendar. April first.

_It's April already?_ I wondered to myself, glaring at the calendar as if it was somehow responsible for my foul mood.

The late spring storm had thrown off my sense of time, and I expected it to be green soon – nothing like what was actually outside my windows. Growing increasingly annoyed with my morning, I stomped back into my bedroom, savagely searching the closet for a clean pair of jeans and black T-shirt. If Bella was going to work early, then so was I. Fuck her and her low expectations; fuck her and her insistence I could barely take care of myself.

My eyes fell on the stack of books piled at the back of the closet, those that had come from my final courses when I had quit; I hadn't touched them since I had put them away all those years ago. A well-worn paperback sat on the top of the stack, a thin volume of TS Eliot's poems.

_April is the cruellest month,_ I thought with a grimace. _Memory and despair, stirring dull roots with spring rain._

Only there was no rain. There was only the snow, but if the glaring sunshine was any hint, it  
would all soon be melted...and with it, the snowed-in days I had spent with Bella.

_Winter kept us warm, covering Earth in forgetful snow,_ I continued my mental recitation, turning to stare accusingly at the snow outside. Water dripped from the eves high above my window, a sure sign that the sunshine was already taking its toll on the pristine whiteness. I remembered Bella in the snow, the flakes clinging to her eyelashes, her bright eyes and red cheeks, and wondered if Eliot was right; did the snow make us forget our troubles? And if it did, what would happen when it all melted away? Would it just expose all of our ugliness just as melted snow reveals dead grass?

I grew angrier as I caught sight of myself in the mirror, glaring at the black eye that had now begun to turn yellowish around the edges. It was hideously ugly, and suited my dark mood. I didn't bother to shave; the stubble could stay. I pulled on one of my tighter black tees, remembering the way Bella's eyes had lingered on my bare chest. It was my only thought of her as I stomped through the apartment in a rising rage.

I smoked furiously on the short walk to the bar, sucking down two cigarettes. The sudden rush of nicotine made me dizzy, and my head swam behind squinted eyes. I had been too out of sorts to find my sunglasses before stepping out into the day, and the snow reflected the sunlight back with blinding strength.

Stopping in Starbucks before I walked into the bar, I was armed with Bella's favorite coffee, and a seething rant that had only continued to build as it twisted through my furious thoughts. How dare she just leave, like I was some cheap one night stand? So what if we didn't sleep together; something had happened in that apartment, something had irrevocably changed the dynamic of our relationship, and she had just slipped away with the dawn? It was fucked up, and I had every intention of making her  
admit it.

I took a deep breath before shoving open the door to the bar with my shoulder, the two coffee cups in hand. My shoulder throbbed dully with the contact, but I was too angry to really notice. Bella was nowhere to be seen in the dim light; she hadn't bothered to turn all the neon signs on yet. As the familiar scent of stale beer filled my senses, I felt my anger begin to slip away. The bar, and all that came with it, was Bella, and that alone made it very difficult to stay angry. We had spent many hours together in the bar, and though they were nothing like the hours we'd spent in my apartment, there was still something about the place that calmed me.

But it was short lived.

Bella breezed into the bar from the back room, her hair falling around her shoulders, with a clean pair of jeans and her own T-shirt. I had half-expected her to wear something tight, or low-cut, but it was just a normal T-shirt. She looked tired, but other than that, there was no sign anything was different.

Not that I probably looked any different – but I was.

She glanced at me as she put the case of beer she was carrying down on the bar, a smirk on her lips. "Shrink your shirt?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at me. There was nothing flirty in her tone; in fact, there was a distinct hint of annoyance.

"No," I muttered, my temper beginning to flare again as my cheeks flamed. _Well, that plan back-fired, _I thought to myself. My small attempt at getting back at Bella had left me feeling stupid, and I wished I had just put on a normal shirt.

_Bella 1, Edward 0._

"What are you doing here anyway?" she asked, grabbing her coffee and spinning her finger along the rim of the lid before taking a sip. "You don't have to be here for hours."

"I thought I'd come help you," I replied stupidly, feeling like a child being scolded. Bella's intense stare practically tore a hole through my body, leaving me feeling exposed. I fought the rising urge to go on the defensive, willing myself to remember that there really was a soft side to her.

"You've never done that before."

"Before was different."

"Why?"

I gaped at her for a long moment before I exploded. "Did I completely imagine the last two days? Are you fucking kidding me? What was different? _We_ were different!"

She narrowed her eyes, taking a step away from me and leaning back against the liquor racks. We were separated by the bar, which I was thankful for – otherwise, she might have noticed how badly I was shaking.

"Edward, I don't know what you think is going on here, but let me make something perfectly clear to you. I have worked my ass off to get where I am, and I have done it _without_ any help. I don't need help now, and I certainly don't need it from you. This is _my _bar. I can handle it." Her tone was icy, and her shoulders were back; her entire body was taut with tension. She looked like a snake coiled to strike.

"I didn't say you couldn't." I forced myself to speak carefully through gritted teeth in an attempt to keep my temper in check. My heart was pounding, and my hands shook with the effort. "I told you, I want to help. Not because I think you can't handle it, but because I want to. Damn it, Bella! Did I imagine the last two days?"

She remained silent for a long moment, her stare boring into mine. Her gaze was filled with hatred and rage, which only fuelled my temper further. She didn't answer my question, and after a tense silence, finally snapped, "I don't have time for this. Do something useful or go home until your shift starts. I need to go put in the order for next week."

Without another word, she turned on her heel and stomped off toward the office. I heard the door slam seconds later, and then the bar was eerily silent. I muttered a string of curses, further irritated that Bella hadn't so much as said thank you for her coffee. That wasn't anything unusual, but somehow, I had expected more from her.

Maybe that was my problem. I had expected Bella to change; I had felt changed by her presence, and perhaps foolishly, I had expected her to feel the same.

_I Tiresias, though blind, throbbing between two lives._

The same confusion I had felt in my apartment swept through me, washing away the anger. I fell onto one of the barstools, my head in my hands as I stared at the heavily lacquered wood. Bar Bella was back, with no sign whatsoever of Apartment Bella. I half-wondered if she had schizophrenia or was bi-polar, or had some other mental disease, but then I sighed. I knew better; I'd spent years working with her, and Bella had always been constant. The change was recent, and it had something to do with our time together...I knew a defense mechanism when I saw one. Bella had pulled up the drawbridge and lowered the portcullis; there were soldiers on the ramparts, and no one was getting in.

_Get it together,_ I told myself, squeezing my hands in my hair before picking my head up. _And stop reciting TS Eliot to yourself. It never ends well. _The Wasteland_, Edward? How melodramatic are you going to be today?_

With a sigh, I took off my coat and threw it across the bar, taking a gulp of my coffee. It burnt my tongue and throat, but I didn't care. I felt a numbness creeping in, a hurt I hadn't felt in a long time blanketing my mind. I had felt nothing when Jessica had left me, but Bella hadn't said thank you for her coffee, or been happy I'd come into the bar early, and I was a complete mess. The fact only perpetuated my dismal mood; I had clearly let the Jessica mess go on for far too long. And Bella knew it.

Trying to shove the feeling aside, I set about putting away the case of beer Bella had abandoned on the bar. It appeared that – in a very uncharacteristic move – Bella had left the bar the night I had called her without restocking everything. It gave me pause, but only long enough to infuriate me all over again.

My thoughts drifted back to the poem I'd had running through my head since I had seen that damn book in my closet. _There is the empty chapel, only the wind's home._ I remembered the class discussion that had erupted when the analysis was given over that particular line. It was a reference to the Grail legend, and the moment in which the knights' faith was tested...the illusion of the empty chapel, and the need for them to trust that appearances were deceiving. Some in the class had railed against such a test, calling it unfair and manipulative; others had thought it perfectly fair, and the ultimate test of faith. It had descended into a religious debate, which I had quickly tuned out of, but the argument swirled around in my head as I replaced the beer.

_Is Bella testing me?_ I wondered, shooting a glance down the hall. The office door was still closed, leaving the hallway in an ominous dark. Rich had yet to arrive for his afternoon chat fest with his friends, so we were alone in the bar. Part of me debated demanding entrance to the office, and arguing with Bella until she explained herself. But another part of me – a smarter part – knew that it was useless. There was something about the bar that put Bella's defenses up, and there was no getting by them. She was a different person in the bar, and frankly, she scared me a little, even if I did know that a softness existed somewhere behind it.

I squeezed my eyes shut against my swirling thoughts, managing instead to focus on work. I stocked all the fridges and rearranged the liquor bottles neatly. When that was done – and Bella was still locked in the office – I started cleaning. Rich wandered in with his friends as I was scrubbing the stainless steel behind the bar, and he eyed me with some suspicion, but didn't ask about my eye. Ignoring the looks, I poured their pitchers and left them to it. Their raucous laughter filled the bar, and still I scrubbed.

Business started to pick up as the night went on, and Bella remained locked away in the office. For awhile, I let her. But as we grew busier – apparently an entire day without their bar had the natives restless – I grew slowly more and more annoyed. I was sweating and down-right pissy by the time I gave up and went to retrieve Bella.

As I approached, I noticed the door was now cracked open. _So she can hear how busy we are, and she's still in there? What the fuck?_ I thought angrily, about to shove my way into the office and come completely unglued.

Then I heard her voice.

"I don't know, Rose...yeah, but...well, that's not fair. No...well, it was sort of romantic. But I...Rose...don't you dare come down here! I can handle my own guy problems...No! Rose, it's not like that. Edward's a good guy. It's not him...No, I didn't give him the 'it's not you, it's me speech'! I'm not a complete asshole...I'm not!...Listen, he's got his own shit too, okay? You're acting like...No! I didn't tell him about Mom! Rose, I'm going to hang up on you if you keep this up!"

I was flabbergasted. Bella was talking about me to someone, someone who knew the whole story with her mother, someone she obviously trusted, which I knew was rare. _So maybe our nights together did mean something to her?_ I wondered, unable to stop myself from listening to her conversation. She spoke in a softer tone of voice, one I remembered from when she trying to fix me up after my incident with the coffee table, as she was talking on the phone...though the usual sharpness slipped in here and there.

"Rosalie Hale! If you come down here I swear I will lock you out of my bar! Don't you dare!...I'm _fine_...Really, Rose? The Italian Job?" Bella's tone had softened as she said it, and a giggle followed. She sighed heavily. "Ok, fine. You know I like him. You've known for a long time...Because he had a girlfriend!...Well, I'm not a whore like you." Silence, followed by another loud burst of Bella's laughter. "I'm trying, okay? It's just hard...Yeah, I know...I know...Rose, seriously, you've given me this speech about twenty times over the last few years...Okay, okay, will you stop if I say you can come visit?...Fine, you can come visit. But I swear, Rose, one god damn word to Edward, and I'm keying your BMW. And you know I will!" Rose must have said something to get her laughing again, because she was giggling as she hung up the phone.

I took a deep breath and counted to sixty before knocking on the office door. The last thing I needed was for Bella to know I'd been listening to the conversation – a conversation I was so puzzled and excited about that I knew I would spend hours dissecting it when I got home. But there was no time for that now; now we had a bar full of people, and I was starting to fall behind. The customers didn't much care if my heart was racing so fast I thought it might explode.

"Yes?" Bella called from inside the office, her tone all business. Any trace of the mirth she had expressed on the phone was gone.

I pushed the door open with my toe, nervously eyeing Bella. I was suddenly glad to be sweaty; the flush of exertion disguised the nervous blush that would give away my guilt.

"Hey, sorry, I know you're busy, but the bar's really full and I could use your help," I told her, too nervous to meet her steely stare. I was certain if I looked her in the eye, she would know all of my secrets. She had confessed to her friend something I had only hoped for; she _did_ want me. But I instinctively knew I couldn't reveal that knowledge just yet; she would bolt like a skittish colt.

"You could have gotten me earlier," she said as she stood, her eyes lingering on me. "You look exhausted. Go grab a coffee or something."

"Um...ok. Did you want anything?" I asked tentatively, turning back toward the bar to get my jacket. Unwilling to face Bella, I had stashed it under the bar instead of its usual spot in the office.

"That'd be great, actually. I might even add some whiskey to it," she replied, a tiny smile creeping across her lips. I couldn't help but stare back at her in shock, wondering where the sudden change in mood had come from. I suspected it had something to do with this Rose, whoever she was, and their conversation, and I vowed to be extra nice to this girl when – if – she showed up.

I stopped in the doorway, looking back at Bella. I knew questions were all over my face, and I waited to see if maybe, just maybe, she would answer any of them. She remained silent, but offered me a tiny smile as she brushed past me on her way out. My body responded to her touch instantly, tingles running up my arm and making me shiver. I wanted to grab her arm and pull her back; I wanted to slam the door shut and kiss her up against it until she was breathless.

But instead, I watched her walk away.

I sighed, and followed Bella out to the bar to grab my jacket before walking to Starbucks. The sun had set and the air had grown chilly, the melted snow beginning to freeze into slick spots of ice. I thought about my walk home in a few hours, and wondered if I could get Bella to spend the night with me again; I wanted to fall asleep with her in my arms. I was unsettled by her behavior in the bar, and I needed to feel her pressed against me to convince myself it had all been real.

"'My nerves are bad tonight. Yes, bad. Stay with me. Speak to me. Why do you never speak. Speak,'" I muttered to myself as I started down the block, reaching into my pocket for a cigarette. The lighter clicked, and I inhaled the delicious comfort as I began to walk. _Did TS Eliot ever have to beg a woman to stay with him? Because that's sure as hell what I feel like doing._

I couldn't help but obsess over Bella's behavior in the light of day. She had been cold when I had come into the bar, and all but told me that our time together didn't change a damn thing. She was wrong about that, and I knew it, but I didn't know how to make her see it.

Two cigarettes and two coffees later, I made my way back into the bar. The crowd was thick as ever, but Bella was managing. She even made it look effortless as she let a beer pour from the draft while scooping ice for a cocktail.

I tucked the coffees and my coat under the bar quickly before taking over on beer duty while Bella mixed drinks. She offered me a smile as she picked up her coffee, her other hand shaking a drink.

It was busy for another few hours before the crowd began to thin. My entire body ached; the bruises my fight with the coffee table had earned me throbbed, and my shoulder had become downright agony as the night wore on. I rubbed at it with a grimace, watching Bella as she chatted with a few regulars. I averted my gaze as their eyes turned toward me; I had already explained away my black eye to several of our regulars, and I wasn't in the mood to do it again.

Debating a shot of whiskey, I fished under the bar for my cigarettes. "I'll be right back," I called to Bella, waving the pack as I started toward the door. She nodded absently, but then went back to her conversation.

I leaned back against the bricks once I was outside, exhaling a long line of smoke. I let the cigarette dangle from my lip as I twisted, trying to find a way to ease the ache in my shoulder.

"Is it still bothering you?" Bella asked quietly out of the darkness. She looked delicate and cold, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. I ached to reach out and pull her into my arms, but I didn't dare.

"Yeah. I don't think it likes the ice scooping. Or the cases of beer I carried around earlier," I said lightly, inhaling deeply on the cigarette and letting my head lean back against the bricks.

She lingered in the doorway, darting glances at the inside of the bar through the window. "That wasn't your best idea. I told you to go home."

"I didn't want to," I shot back stubbornly.

"I know." She sighed heavily, staring up at the clear sky. A smattering of stars were visible beyond the city glow, but I didn't care; Bella looked beautiful as she watched the night. "Why don't you take off? I don't want you to hurt yourself more."

I nodded, trying to hide my intense relief. I felt like I was letting Bella down by leaving, but at the same time was in so much pain I knew I needed to leave. I expected Bella to make her escape quickly, but instead she stayed outside with me, rocking back awkwardly on her heels.

"I really wish you'd quit," she said after a long moment, her tone quiet.

"The bar?" I asked in shock. _What the fuck? I know things are awkward but..._

"No! Jesus, where did you get that? No, Edward, I wish you would quit smoking," she replied in an exasperated tone. Then, more softly, "Why on earth do you think I want you to quit the bar?"

"Because..." I trailed off, uncertain of how to put my fears into words, and uncertain if I even wanted to. "Because," I finally repeated lamely, refusing to meet her gaze.

"That's not an answer."

"You're not full of answers tonight yourself either."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Why are you so different?" I finally blurted out, regretting the words as soon as they left my mouth. Bella's entire posture changed; her shoulders squared back, and her chin tilted up. Her eyes flashed once, and then went eerily dark.

"Go home, Edward," she said flatly, all emotion stripped from her voice. It was the second time that night she had refused to answer a direct question.

"Bella..."

"Go. I'm serious."

"So am I." I threw the cigarette into the street and quickly closed the distance between us. "Bella, I will go home. I'll go home because my shoulder is killing me, and I'm tired of explaining my black eye. But I want to know what's going on here."

"Nothing is _going on_ here, Edward."

"Well something was fucking going on in my apartment last night!" I exploded. I took a ragged breath, hanging my head and holding my hands tightly behind my back in an effort to calm. "Why did you leave this morning?" I finally asked when I could keep the words to a low growl.

"Is that what this is about?"

"Answer the question, Bella."

"I had things to do at the bar. I told you that."

"Bullshit."

"Don't you dare. I do a lot of work that you never see. Do you think the bills pay themselves? Or the orders place themselves? Do you think that health inspections just magically get passed?"

"You didn't have to do all that today, Bella. The health inspector was just here last month for his surprise visit. He won't be back for a year unless there's a complaint. And who the hell is going to complain here?" I took another deep breath, wishing I hadn't tossed the cigarette. "Please just tell me what's going on here."

"What's going on is that you're acting like a sixteen-year-old boy. Grow up, Edward. I am who I am. We are what we are. A few kisses..." Her voice broke. She squeezed her eyes shut so quickly I nearly missed it before continuing, "A few kisses don't change that."

"Does Rose think that? Or is that just some nonsense you dreamed up to tell me while you were hiding in the office?" I asked, desperate to keep control but unable to stop the rush of words escaping my mouth. I knew it was a mistake the moment the words were out, but it was much too late to take it back.

"Were you _eavesdropping_ on my fucking conversation?" she demanded, her eyes flashing again. "You don't fucking know anything, Edward. You don't know Rose, and you sure as hell don't know me. Get the fuck out of here. Seriously, go home before I say something I regret."

"Will you stop by when you get out?"

She laughed humorlessly. "No, Edward, I won't." She reached for the door, about to jerk it open, and I reached for her.

"Bella," I said in a low tone, trying to force her eyes to stay on mine. "I'm not giving up. Please...please come over when you get out. I...I don't want to sleep alone."

"Well, that's just..." She stopped before she finished the sentence and sighed, closing her eyes again. "I'll think about it," she finally said without looking at me.

"Okay." I released my grip on her arm, watching as she slipped back into the bar. I didn't like the idea of her being there alone, even if the crowd was thinning out. Sure, Rich still lived in an apartment above the bar, but he was likely already passed out after his afternoon of drinking.

I shuffled back to the apartment, stopping at the late-night deli on the corner to get myself a sandwich. I'd forgotten to eat again, and my stomach growled in anticipation as I waited.

But once I was back in my apartment, I regretted the decision to eat. My stomach roiled, and I wondered if I would be sick from nerves for the first time in my life. I didn't know how I was going to wait hours for the bar to close; I wanted Bella in my arms. I wanted Bella to come walking through the door like nothing had changed since we had crawled into my bed together last night. I wanted to pretend this entire day had never happened.

After washing down some aspirin with a gulp of whiskey, I lay down on the couch to wait. To my utmost surprise, I fell asleep, and when I opened my eyes, Bella's brown ones were staring back at me.

"The door was unlocked," she whispered, biting on her lip as she watched me. "I didn't think you would mind if I let myself in..."

"No! I mean, no, Bella, of course not. You're always welcome here."

"Even after today?"

"Even after today." I struggled into a sitting position, wincing at the stiffness in my shoulder. "Want to explain that to me?"

"Do I have to?"

Her eyes were wide and pleading, and my heart broke a little at the sadness buried in them. She was clutching her cell phone tightly as she awaited my response, and I wondered if I had this mysterious friend of hers to thank for the visit.

"Not tonight. But soon," I finally told her, trying to gauge her reaction. She nodded, looking around the room uncertainly.

"Ok, well, I guess I'll go then. I just wanted to..."

"You're leaving?"

"Well, I figured you..."

"I want you to stay."

"But..."

"No. Please, stay." I struggled to my feet, pulling her into my arms. When she didn't push me away, I tightened my grip and breathed in the scent of her hair. She had obviously been home to shower, and she smelled like Bella again. It was heavenly; _she_ was heavenly.

"I, um, brought your clothes back. Is it ok if I wear them again?" she asked after a moment, disentangling herself gently from my embrace.

"You can keep them. They don't fit me that well anyway."

"Sort of like that shirt you're wearing now?" she asked with a teasing smile.

"Did you want to wear this one instead?"

"Sort of."

"I spilled a lot of beer on it. I sweat all over it. I'll get you something clean, Bella," I told her, wondering why on earth she wanted to wear my disgusting shirt. "C'mon, it's late."

I laced my fingers with hers and started for the bedroom, walking slowly to make sure Bella was fine. She seemed nervous, but otherwise okay with being in the apartment...and being with me. I grabbed my own clothes to change into before leaving her in the bedroom to change.

The mirror reflected back to me a shell of myself as I got changed in the bathroom. The black eye marred my entire face, and the tiny cuts along my jaw were healing into ugly brown scabs. I felt exhausted, and my skin still had a sickly pallor to it. "What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow Out of this stony rubbish?" I asked my reflection, wondering how Bella and I could ever possibly be okay. Both of our tempers seemed to rest on hair-pin triggers, and it was growing more and more difficult for me to rein in the force that was Bella's effect on me.

When I returned to the bedroom, Bella had already put out the light, but she was standing by the window looking down onto the street below. I came up behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and leaning my chin against her shoulder. We were silent for a long moment, but Bella's arms slowly covered my own, holding me in place against her. Her skin was cool to the touch, and I resisted the urge to make her get under the blankets. There was something about her in those moments, something so fragile I was afraid to move her.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"Kiss me," she said so softly I could barely hear her. The tremor was back in her body, and I turned her slowly, afraid she would shatter in my arms.

I wanted to ask if she was sure; I wanted to ask her a lot of questions. Instead, I tilted her chin up before capturing her lips with mine in a chaste kiss. I kept my mouth closed, pressing kiss after delicate kiss against her lips as I held her in my arms. She sighed, and I pulled away, not wanting to push my luck.

"Tired?"

"Yes." There was a twinge of regret in her voice, almost as if she didn't want to admit to it. "I'm exhausted, actually."

I nodded, guiding her toward the bed. As soon as I was settled against the pillows, I pulled her into my arms, loving the way she buried her nose into my neck and breathed deeply. Her body molded to mine, and for the first time that night, I began to relax. I wanted to kiss her again; I wanted to keep kissing her until my lips were delightfully bruised. But I didn't. Instead, I whispered my good-night, brushed my lips against her forehead, and prayed she would still be there when I woke up.

* * *

AN: Bookgeek80 is my beta and my biggest cheerleader. This has been an awesome week for "Roman Candle" and I'm so glad I have her to squee to. (And everyone else on Twitter who's been putting up with me)

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	9. 9 Dawn

Disclaimer: I don't own Edward or Bella, but the words below are mine. Please don't steal them.

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9. Dawn

* * *

I awoke while it was still dark, sweating and panting heavily. I couldn't remember the nightmare, but the feelings it had summoned remained. My heart was racing with fear as I took shallow, panting breaths. I anxiously glanced down, half-afraid I would once again find my bed empty.

It wasn't.

Bella was still deeply asleep, her arms curled around the pillow and her hair spilling across her shoulders. Her long eyelashes rested against her smooth cheek; to me, she was perfect. I remembered watching her sleep the last time she had been in my bed, and decided watching her sleep was one of my favorite things.

Venus de Milo had nothing on sleeping Bella.

I shifted carefully, trying not to wake her. She had her back to me, and I wanted to pull her body against mine and fall back to sleep. Bella's breath hitched as I settled my weight beside her, carefully propping myself up on my elbow while I watched her.

"All the dreaded cards foretell, shall be paid, but from this night Not a whisper, not a thought, not a kiss nor look be lost," I whispered, remembering Auden's poem; it had struck me when I'd read it during a modern literature class. The poet's silent plea for the night to never end reverberated with me all over again; I remembered thinking I could never understand that sort of longing, but now it was beginning to make some sense. Part of me wished Bella would never wake up; she looked perfectly at peace.

_That's really fucking creepy,_ I told myself with a slight shake of my head, snapping out of the lyrical daydream. Poetry was the product of imaginative rambling; in the real world, Bella would wake up, and judging by the change in her breathing, she would wake up soon. I tried to hold back the instinct to flinch that inevitably tightened my muscles and made my shoulders hunch; I wasn't ready for the night to end. I was glad she had made the decision to come to the apartment, but part of me was still terrified of the morning. I snuck a glance out the window, eyeing the paling sky, and frowned deeply.

Lowering my elbow, I slid one arm around her waist and pulled her body flush with mine. It didn't matter if dawn was on its way; it wasn't here yet. Bella mumbled in her sleep, unintelligible murmurs, before quieting again, her body settling against my chest as if it was meant to be there. Her breathing slowly returned to its even pattern, and her eyes remained closed.

I pressed my nose to her hair, inhaling deeply. I was wide awake in the dark bedroom, and knew I wouldn't fall back to sleep in the state I was in. The nightmare had left me deeply unsettled, and though Bella's presence had helped to slow my panic, I was afraid to go back to sleep; I was afraid that if I let sleep take me, the next time I woke up, Bella would be gone.

Memories of the night before filtered through my mind. I thought back to Bella's phone conversation, and her confession to her friend – which apparently wasn't a new one. What did that mean? Had she been talking about me to this friend of hers for years? Did this Rose have a completely skewed view of me? Bella seemed to have held her own on the phone with her friend, but how would I fare?

_And what's up with Bella threatening to key cars?_ My brows furrowed as I puzzled over that one. Bella had always been a bit of a spitfire, but I had never pictured her as the vandalizing type. What else _did_ I know about her anymore?

_It was probably just a joke,_ I told myself, shifting to press myself closer to her warm body. _You don't know what it's like to have her as a friend. You don't know what is and what isn't a joke._

That thought just troubled me more; the more time I spent with her outside of work, the more I realized just how little she had let me into her life. _How do you spend years working alongside someone, and not have any idea who they are?_

I frowned, brushing Bella's hair back from her shoulders to press a light kiss to her neck. She sighed in her sleep, and the gentle sound was enough to overcome my hesitation at waking her. Besides, if I was already awake when she woke up, she couldn't just slip away again...

I kissed her neck again, a little harder this time. My lips parted, and I tasted her skin while tightening my grasp on her waist. She shifted closer to me, but didn't wake.

"Bella," I whispered in her ear, running my tongue along the delicate lobe. "Bella..."

She was starting to wake up, and she sighed, turning toward me without opening her eyes. She mumbled something that came out partially as sound, and partially as a sigh, her lips nuzzling my bare chest. I ran the tips of my fingers down her back, feeling her shiver against me and delighting in the sensation. Bella remained silent, her thumb absently rubbing against my back.

My touches grew bolder and bolder. I ran the tips of my fingers down her back again, letting them dip across the top of her ass. When she didn't push me away, I traced the line of her hip, trailing my fingertips dangerously low across her flat stomach. She sighed again, but it wasn't the same soft sound she had made while crawling into my arms.

Resisting the urge to push her onto her back and kiss her until I couldn't breathe, I continued to explore her body with a feather light touch. I skimmed down her thigh, letting my hand drop to the inside of her leg as I reached down; on the way back up, I didn't bother to move my hand from the more sensitive flesh. The sweatpants she wore kept our skin separated, but Bella's body shifted against mine restlessly as I continued my gentle assault on her.

Bella's hands began to wander as I brought mine back to her hip, sliding one hand beneath her shirt to caress her skin. I still couldn't tell if she was entirely awake, but her touch languidly danced across my back and up my chest; my breath caught as a sweep of her fingers dipped below my waistband. With that one touch, she had me hard.

"Bella," I whispered, my voice huskier than I had meant it to be. "You're awake, right?"

"Mmm..." she answered, circling her free around my shoulders and pulling herself closer. "Sort of."

"I wasn't spying on you last night," I said quietly, bringing my hand up to her cheek. In the darkness, I saw the glimmer of her eyes, and realized she had finally opened them. I hadn't meant for the words to come out of my mouth; I had meant to kiss her, press her back into the pillows, and give her as much pleasure as she would allow me to.

But the words had come out instead.

"Edward..."

"No, Bella." My tone was more forceful than I had intended, and I took a ragged breath to try to calm down. I was silent for a moment, filling my head with useless knowledge about my car in an effort to be less turned on. I needed to have this conversation with Bella, and I needed all the blood my brain could handle. "Please listen to me. I came to get you because it was busy. You were on the phone. I wanted to let you finish your conversation."

"You could have knocked. I would've gotten off the phone. It was obviously personal," she said quietly. There was no anger in her voice, but there was the hint of an accusation.

"You were talking about me." It wasn't a question.

"Yes."

"To Rose?"

"Yes."

"Who's Rose?"

Bella took a deep breath, pushing away from me slightly. When I looked down at her, she was studying me, her beautiful brown eyes taking it all in. After a slight hesitation, she said very quietly, "Rose and I grew up together. She's my best friend. I love her like family."

I let go of the breath I had been holding, trying to breathe slowly to keep her from noticing. "Did you mean what you said to her?" I finally asked, the words nearly catching in my throat.

"About keying her car?" Bella asked lightly, running the tip of her nail down my chest and refusing to look at me.

"You know that's not what I mean."

"Yeah."

I waited a long moment, hoping she would clarify her statement. "Yeah, you know, or yeah, you meant it?" I asked when she stayed quiet. I wanted to shut my eyes and hide while I waited for her response.

"I don't ever lie to Rose," Bella told me. It was an evasive way of answering my question, but it got me what I needed to know. I leaned forward, pulling my body across the mattress to be closer to Bella. I pulled her into my arms, and cupping her cheek pressed my lips against hers.

To my surprise, she responded instantly. Her arms circled around my neck, one hand grabbing onto my hair as she deepened the kiss. There was a desperation in her movements I didn't understand, and I didn't much like. I tried to slow the kiss, closing my mouth against hers.

"Goddammit, Edward, kiss me like you did the other night!" Bella finally protested, pulling back with a groan. Her eyes flashed with annoyance, and buried beneath her frustration, I saw a hint of fear. "Please, just kiss me like you did before."

"I can't," I answered, closing my eyes for a moment against what I had just seen. I hated myself for denying her what she wanted, what I wanted, but the nagging feeling that something was off wouldn't shake. What was Bella so afraid of?

"Why not?" she demanded, anger glinting in her eyes. "What the hell, Edward? You woke me up. Why?"

"I..." I sighed, running my fingers through her hair and watching her expression carefully. "Something's bothering you. I can't ignore it."

She gaped at me for a long moment before squeezing her eyes shut. A long silence followed, and though I desperately wanted to say a million different things, I stayed quiet. The ball was in Bella's court, and I had no business reaching across the net.

"It is different." Her voice was so quiet I could barely understand the words. "Things between us. It's different."

"Yes." I ran my fingers through her hair again, loving the feeling of the silky strands in my hand. She kissed my fingers as they passed in front of her lips, and offered me the tiniest of smiles.

"I really left this morning because I had things to do at the bar. I would have stayed if I'd known it upset you," she told me, reaching her own hand up to run her fingers along my cheekbone, avoiding the healing scrapes. "And when you came in, wanting to help, well...it was so unlike the version of you I'm used to. You caught me off guard."

"So you acted like there was nothing between us? Like nothing at all happened?" I asked before I could stop myself. I hated how bitter I sounded, even to myself. Bella must have picked up on my tone too, because she winced before answering, "Yes."

I eyed her suspiciously, and she sighed. "Edward, that bar...I have my work, Charlie, and Rose. They are the single three most important things in my life. Right now, you are woven so tightly together with the bar that this, whatever this is between us, it...I can't fuck up the bar. I've worked way too hard." She leveled her gaze with mine, and then spoke the words that sank right into the pit of my stomach.

"I don't trust you," she whispered, shrinking away from me as if she expected me to yell at her. "I'm sorry, Edward. I wish I did. I've been...struggling with it. But I don't."

"You've left me alone in your bar before."

"That's not the kind of trust I'm talking about. And you know that."

"You don't trust me with your heart."

"No."

"I see." I chuckled wryly, pulling away from her. My soul ached, and I didn't want to look at her. She knew she'd hurt me, and there was pity in her eyes. I couldn't stand to be pitied. "I don't even know where you grew up, Bella. Are you ever going to tell me anything?"

"Yes."

I took a deep breath, resisting the urge to snap. "When?" I asked with forced lightness.

"I don't know. " It was an honest response, I'd give her that. But it wasn't good enough.

"That's why I can't kiss you," I told her after another long moment of silence, awkwardness building between us. "That's what's bothering me, Bella. You don't trust me with anything. I get it. You've got a past. You don't want to tell me the whole story. That part's okay. It takes time. You were right on the phone; I've got my shit too. But you need to tell me _something_, Bella. You've got to let me in just a little."

"I don't know how." She reached for me, sitting up as she wrapped her arms around me. "Please, Edward. Just kiss me, and let me fall asleep with you. This is what I can give you right now. I'm here, and I want to be here. I've slept better the last few nights, in your arms, than I have in a long time. I need to be near you. I don't know what that means. I just want to be with you, right now." She sighed, tightening her grip and looking up at me with her chin resting on my chest.

I searched her eyes, cupping her face in my hands as I debated what to do. I wanted to kiss her; Bella was so beautiful with her hair mussed from sleep, and her eyes burning with emotion in the quiet darkness. Wondering if I was doing the right thing, I leaned forward, brushing her lips with mine gently. She let me lead, parting her lips only at my prompting. The kiss deepened, and I pulled her onto my lap, sitting up with her straddling my hips. It was an intimate position, but I didn't care. With one hand on the back of her neck, and the other beneath her shirt, I kissed Bella with everything I had.

When I pulled back, we were both panting heavily, and I wanted more. By the lust in her eyes, it seemed Bella did too. But I knew we couldn't; Bella wasn't some girl I had picked up to get over Jessica – not that Jessica needed getting-over.

"Arizona," she said through shallow breaths, her eyes meeting mine in the darkness. "I grew up in Arizona. Phoenix, actually."

Trying to pretend that Bella hadn't just finally given me a sliver of her history, I smiled, laughing quietly. "I don't think you can get more different than Forks than that," I said casually.

"Even here?" Bella still had her knees planted on either side of my hips, her arms looped around my shoulders. I leaned my cheek down to her shoulder, breathing her in as I stared out the window. The pale blue glow I had seen upon waking was now tinting the sky pink, and I cursed the approaching dawn. There was something about the cover of night that seemed to make Bella more comfortable, and I didn't want to lose the chance to take a real step forward.

"Here, it gets humid. And it rains. Sometimes in the spring when it's raining, it almost feels like Forks."

"You sound homesick."

"I am, sometimes." I pulled myself up from where I'd been leaning on her shoulder and met her gaze, silently willing her not to push the subject. I didn't want to talk about Forks, or my family, or any of the black marks on my life transcript; I just wanted to kiss her again. "Is your friend Rose really coming to visit?" I asked, forcing a chance in subject.

"Yeah. I don't know what she'll say to you, but I told her to behave. She'll either really like you, or she'll really hate you. And you'll know immediately which," Bella said with a laugh. She shifted her weight, nuzzling my neck and pressing her body tightly against mine. "Let's not talk about Rose. I'm tired. It was...a long day."

I nodded, easing Bella back down to the mattress with me as I lay down. She shifted some of her weight off of me, but we remained a tangle of limbs as I tugged the blankets back in place. Bella traced a delicate line of kisses down my throat before settling back with her cheek to my chest. "I'll be here, when you wake up," she said quietly, answering my unspoken question. "I won't leave like that again. I knew you were upset when you came into the bar."

"I'll try to keep it strictly professional when we're there," I replied, knowing that had been part of the original problem. Bella took the bar much more seriously than I ever had; her entire livelihood depended on it. She was only a year or so older than me, and she must have worked incredibly hard to get to where she was. It made me feel ashamed of what my life had turned into, and it made me feel ashamed of how I had behaved that morning.

"I'd like that. At work." She lifted her head to offer me a hesitant smile. She stretched up, pressing her lips against mine once more. "Thank you. I know...I know I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear."

I remembered the poem I had been thinking about earlier, and smiled a wistful smile at Bella. "Lay your sleeping head, my love, Human on my faithless arm; Time and fevers burn away Individual beauty from Thoughtful children, and the grave Proves the child ephemeral: But in my arms till break of day Let the living creature lie, Mortal, guilty, but to me The _entirely beautiful_," I quoted, speaking softly and holding her gaze. I took a hesitant breath, watching her reaction for any sign she was about to bolt.

"Edward Cullen...did you just recite poetry to me?" Bella asked, her eyebrow arched. Her tone was laced with amusement, but there was an emotional undercurrent to it.

"The poem's called _Lullaby_...I thought it was fitting," I muttered, trying to ignore how suddenly embarrassed I felt. I was forcing myself to maintain a façade of calm, but my heart was racing. I hadn't meant to speak the words aloud, but they had come tumbling out anyway, and I wanted Bella to understand what she meant to me. I wasn't in love with her, but I was falling, and hard.

"No one's ever done that to me before."

"Poetry?"

"Yeah." Even in the darkness, I could see Bella's cheeks darken with a blush. She dropped her eyes from mine, her fingers trailing across my chest. "How do you...what made you think of the poem?"

I shrugged, trying to ignore how hot my face still felt. "I told you before, these things just sort of pop in my head. Remember, we were talking about _Heart of Darkness_?"

"You remember that?"

"Of course I remember. I remember a great deal more about that night than I wish to," I said ruefully, wincing as I recalled the ruined coffee table.

"It was a rough night," Bella said quietly, reaching up to run her fingers lightly across my black eye. "I still can't believe you remember that conversation though. And there has to be something that triggers it, in your mind."

I shrugged, flushing anew and glad Bella couldn't see me clearly. "The poem's about not wanting the dawn to come, and the beauty of spending the night asleep in a lover's arms. _You_ made me think of it."

"But we're not..." Her voice trailed off, and her eyes caught mine hesitantly again. "It's a beautiful poem."

"You're beautiful," I replied, my voice thick with emotion. It felt like the energy in the room was vibrating around us, simultaneously pushing us together and pulling us apart. The tension made me feel like I was about to snap. The start of Bella's sentence had sent my heart hammering again, but the end gave me hope. "Bella..." I breathed her name out, tilting my head down toward hers.

"You can't...you can't say shit like that to me, Edward." Bella's voice was shaking, and she shoved against my chest as she backed away.

"Why?" I was genuinely baffled by her protest. Jessica had grown angry when I _didn't_ periodically tell her how pretty she was, even though she knew it. My sister loved to be told she was looking gorgeous, and my mom still blushed when my dad called her beautiful. Why wasn't I allowed to tell Bella the same thing?

"Because..." She sounded helpless, which only deepened my confusion. "It's not supposed to be like this," she muttered so quietly I almost didn't hear her.

"What's not supposed to be like this?" I asked, suspicion coating the words.

"This! Jesus, Edward, I just...when you called...I thought I could come over here, and we could have sex, you know, get it over with and out of our systems. I thought...I thought that's what you wanted. But then it was snowing...and I stayed...and...I don't want to fall for you!"

Bella had planned on a one-night stand? After she had railed at me about using her? And what about her claim that she hadn't been with anyone in years? How did she go from no one at all, to using me as a random hookup as the guy to break the dry spell? Something was wrong with the picture, and I knew it. I pushed my temper down, determined to make Bella explain herself.

She pushed back even further away from me, getting out of bed. "This was a mistake, I'm sorry, I should never have come over here," she continued in a rush, hurrying to the door where she had kicked off her shoes. She started shoving her feet into her sneakers, her breaths shaky.

"Bella." I got out of the bed, crossing the room and wrapping my arm around her shoulders. She was shaking again, still stubbornly trying to get her foot into the sneaker. "Bella, please, stop. Talk to me. What's wrong?"

"Everything!" she cried, spinning to face me. Her eyes were glassy again, and I prayed she wouldn't cry. Anything I had to say to Bella would crumble in the face of her tears. "Everything is wrong!"

"I don't understand," I said slowly, holding onto her shoulders to keep her from bolting. "Bella...what did I do? Please, tell me."

"Nothing," she said bitterly, a single tear escaping her eye. She wiped it away viciously, almost as if she was angry it had betrayed an emotion. "Edward, you've been...you're so much more than who I thought you were. You're smart, and you've got a romantic streak I didn't even know existed. You're not _at all_ who I thought you were."

"Who did you think I was? A college dropout who drinks too much? A never going to be anything waste of life?" I demanded, growing angrier by the minute. It didn't matter if any of the words I had used to describe myself were true; knowing that Bella, Bella, who I'd spent nearly three years working side by side with, Bella thought I was a loser. It stung. It didn't matter at all that she had called me smart, or romantic for that matter. The message was clear: Bella had always assumed the worst about me.

"I thought I could protect myself from you," she said in a whisper, staring at the floor. "But I don't know how."

Anger boiled under my skin, and I could feel the tips of my ears growing red. "You accused me of using you, the other day. And then you left in the morning without so much as a goodbye. You were a bitch to me at the bar. And now you're telling me you wanted to come over here and have sex with me 'just to get it done and over with,' like I'm some task on your to-do list. I'm trying here, Bella, but you need to tell me _something_ and you need to tell me right fucking now. You don't kiss me like you want it 'done and over with' and I sure as hell want more than one night with you," I finished, my jaw tight with tension. My entire body was humming, and I couldn't decide if I wanted to hit something, or if I wanted to cry.

"What _do _you want?" she asked softly, completely ignoring everything else I had said. Her eyes were still making a study of the wood grain in my floor boards, and I wanted to shout at her to look at me. She was frighteningly calm in the face of my rising ire.

I took a deep breath to calm myself, willing my temper to hold off for just a few minutes. Bella and I were standing on a knife's edge, about to fall into one abyss or another. I knew as well as she did that things were frighteningly intense between us; if we cut the bullshit and admitted what was going on, I would fall for her utterly and completely. Bella was damn close to owning my heart.

Or shattering it.

And there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

"I want you," I said simply, glad I had managed to keep my voice from shaking. "I don't want to sleep without you. I woke up tonight, terrified from a nightmare I can't remember, and I can't express the relief I felt that you were here. I want to kiss you, because when I do, I feel more alive than I have in years. I want to wake up and breathe you in, Bella."

"Really, Edward? Are you sure it's me? Are you sure it's not just a warm body with tits that's making you feel this way?" she demanded, ice in her words. Her crude words and the sudden malice threw me, and I lost my tenuous grasp on my temper.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"You said earlier that you didn't want to sleep alone. Now it's that you don't want to sleep without me. Which is it, Edward?" she accused, backing against the wall and glaring at me. Her shoulders were heaving with her breaths, and her eyes flashed in anger. The dawn had arrived while we had argued, and the pink tint in the sky made her eyes look even wilder.

_Are you fucking kidding me?_ I stared at her in pure astonishment. "What's the goddamn difference, Bella? _I want you here_. What part of that isn't clear to you?" The words came out as a growl, and I forced myself to take a step away from her. I wanted to lash out, and I knew the closer I got to Bella, the more worked up I would become. Her presence had an effect on me I didn't quite understand, and wasn't prepared to deal with in the emotionally charged bedroom.

"You don't have a fucking clue, do you?"

"No!"

"Well, let me make it clear to you." Her eyes narrowed, and her hands balled into fists at her sides. "One of those says, my, it sure would be nice to not be alone tonight. The other says, Bella, I need you to be with me tonight. Seeing the fucking difference yet?" she seethed.

"How can you think that? Of course I want _you_! What about you, Bella? Huh? You just wanted to come over here and have sex with me the other night? What happened to 'it's been years since I've been with someone'? That seems pretty fucking out of character for someone who doesn't sleep around."

Bella's mouth opened into an 'o' of shock as she stared at me, and I knew I should take the words back, but I didn't. I was pissed, and I wanted her to hurt like she had me hurting.

"And you wonder why I don't want to tell you anything," she said with a bitter laugh. "You realize you basically just called me a whore, right?"

"That's not what I said," I shot back through gritted teeth.

"But it's what you meant." I said nothing, knowing it was exactly what I had meant, even if I would never say the words. "If you were actually fucking listening, you would remember I said 'been with someone _like this_'. I know I shouldn't be shocked your brain went right to sex considering the state you were in that night, but that's not what I fucking meant."

"What the hell did you mean then? How the fuck else was I supposed to take it, considering what we were doing right before that conversation? I'm not a goddamn minder-reader!"

Bella took a shaky breath, her eyes locking onto mine. They were blazing with fury, but behind the flames, I saw it: fear. She bit down on her lip, and it was all I could do to stay where I was. The fight went out of her, and I wanted to scoop her up in my arms before she collapsed against the wall.

But I didn't.

"I hate you," she said quietly, her voice ragged. "I was doing fine when you were with that...Jessica. I couldn't have you, and I knew that. And now...now you're quoting poems about love to me at the break of dawn, and talking about how you don't want to sleep without me." She laughed bitterly, leaning her head back against the wall and set her level gaze on me, her eyes tired. "I didn't mean sex, Edward. I've had sex over the years. But I haven't had it with anyone I gave a damn about. You can think I'm a whore if you want to, but sometimes, you just need to get laid. Not entirely sure I need to explain that to you."

I opened my mouth to snap back a nasty retort, that yes, she did need to explain herself to me after all that had occurred. But as I glared at her, her words started to sink in. _She hates me_? I wondered, feeling the old creeping insecurity taking hold.

I glanced back at her, trying to calm my breathing. She didn't look like Bella usually did the middle of an argument; strong, defiant, ready to come back with a sharp retort. She looked like a girl who had just held her heart out, only to have it stomped on. The look on her face told me that was exactly what she expected from me in those moments...rude, biting remarks. She had expected my temper, and part of me wondered if she was just trying to drive me away again.

_Not going to happen. _

I sighed, taking several deep breaths before I was calm enough to speak.

"You don't," I told her. In a calmer mood, I knew it would have been hypocritical of me to be upset over the revelation. I knew I had been with Jessica for as long as I had in part because it was reliable sex. It had also had a lot to do with my fear of being alone, but that was an entirely different matter. Shame flooded my cheeks, and I hesitantly took a step closer toward Bella. "Please don't leave," I finally said as the silence grew, a tiny beam of sunlight falling across Bella's cheeks from the open curtains. The sunlight danced on the hair falling into her eyes, making it sparkle with life; it was a chilling comparison to how dead her eyes looked. "I've never lied to you. I want you, and I want all of you. I don't care that you've got shit, okay? I just need you to not run away from me."

She eyed me suspiciously for a long silent moment. _That's right, Bella, your plan didn't work. I'm not throwing you out in a fit of rage. Try a new tactic,_ I thought to myself, fighting to keep the bitter thoughts concealed. It was always three steps forward and two back with her; I knew I wasn't easy to get along with myself, but frustration was setting in. Something had to give, and it had to be Bella.

Just when I thought she wasn't going to speak at all, a tiny smile crossed her lips. She shook her head slightly back and forth, seemingly at herself. I would have given anything to have known what she was thinking in those moments.

"Running away is what I'm good at," she finally said ruefully, but she pushed herself away from the wall. She kicked off the one sneaker she had managed to shove on, and tentatively crossed the distance between us. "I'm not easy to be with."

"I've noticed," I said lightly. I smiled to make sure she knew I wasn't upset anymore, brushing the hair out of her eyes as she looked up at me. "I can be patient, Bella. I've waited years for this. There's a past, and that's okay. Just don't shut me out of your present, okay?"

She nodded before pressing her cheek to my chest. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, pressing a kiss to her hair as I let out the breath I had been holding. I guided Bella back to the bed, half-afraid I would collapse with relief. Though I had tried to put on a brave – if pissed off – face for Bella's sake, I had been terrified she would walk through the door and never come back.

I got back into bed, holding Bella to me and twining our fingers together. She sighed, pressing a kiss to our entwined hands and leaning her back into my chest.

"Bella," I said quietly, wrapping my free arm snugly around her waist. "It's you I want here. It's the way your hair smells on my pillow, and the way your skin smells on my sheets, and the way your body feels next to mine. It's the way you mumble in your sleep, and the way you make me feel calmer just by being here. I don't want anyone else."

She didn't say anything, and I thought maybe she had already fallen back to sleep. It had been a stressful day, and our dawn argument certainly hadn't helped. I pressed a kiss to her shoulder and squeezed her hand as I settled back against the pillow, taking a deep breath.

But then I heard it, right as I was drifting off.

"It's always been you, Edward. Only you."

* * *

AN: Bookgeek80 red-penned this chapter all to hell, and I love her for it. Congrats to venis-envy for seeing through Edward's particular phrasing last chapter ;)

Edward is quoting from W.H. Auden's "Lullaby"

I occasionally tweet hints on upcoming chapters, including the lit piece that will be in it. I also ramble on quite a bit, so fair warning you'll have to put up with me to get the teasers. I'm nowforruin if that sounds like your particular cup of tea. ;)


	10. 10 Troy

Disclaimer: I don't own a bar, and I don't own Edward. I do own enough liquor to stock a bar.

10. Troy

* * *

Bella was there when I woke up the next morning, and she was there for the next three weeks. Things at the bar didn't change; Bella acted as if everything was the same between us as it had always been, and I tried to swallow my anger. I didn't want to pretend that nothing had changed; I didn't need her to kiss me while we were making drinks, but when the bar was closed, and everyone was gone, she still wouldn't touch me. I was struggling to understand why.

When we walked back to my apartment together each night, she would lean her head on my chest as if it were the most natural thing in the world. My anger would fade, and though I still didn't know a damn thing about her past, I was learning other tiny things about her. Bella preferred to fall asleep with her head on my chest, but slept best if I held her spooned against me; she relaxed under my touch the second I ran my fingers through her hair, and her sighs gave away her mood. When she kissed me, she put her entire body into it, and I never wanted it to end.

Yet as amazing as Bella's kisses were, that was as far as it went. Her hands would wander my body while we kissed, trailing and teasing, but never actually touching. Each time I tried to push things along, even a little bit, I found myself gently rebuffed. The rejection was starting to wear on me, and even though I would never pressure Bella into something she was uncomfortable with, I was having a hard time accepting sleeping next to her warm body every night the way things were; she had taken to wearing one of my T-shirts to bed, and the sight of her lean legs exposed between the sheets made me crazy. I slept beside her, dreaming of her body beneath mine, her legs parted in invitation, only to wake up with my aching dick pressed against her ass. And I felt stuck there. Without Bella, I couldn't sleep; with Bella, I was a tightly wound ball of pure sexual tension.

Bella had to know what she was doing to me, but she never said a word, and she certainly didn't...help. Even with extended morning showers, taken when Bella would go home to change before going to the bar, I felt like I was walking around with a permanent case of blue balls.

I was willing to wait, given what she had told me the night of our blowout fight. I didn't want to push her into anything, and I didn't want to ruin my chances of having something with her. Bella wasn't Jessica, and we weren't going to start fucking on our second date...not that Bella and I had ever gone out on a proper date. The thought of asking her to dinner terrified me, not only because I knew the logistics of it would be difficult with the bar, but also because Bella was different in the confines of my apartment. It was one thing to walk to the deli or the local pizza shop, but I didn't want to risk spooking her just yet. She was skittish enough as it was.

Which led to yet another reason I didn't want to push her any further than she wanted to go; asking Bella to go out of the apartment, to go on an actual date, would put us another step closer toward couple territory. I was fine with that; Bella, though she never said anything, wasn't.

But she was making it extremely difficult to ignore all the things I wanted.

At first I didn't notice it, but Bella's change in dress became more and more obvious. She'd always had varied a wardrobe; some nights she wore tight jeans, while others they were slouchy and ripped. Some nights her black top was decidedly casual, and yet others, she wore something stylish and sexy. But as the days went on, her clothes began to get smaller – and tighter. It was as if she were my own personal torture device, standing next to me, rubbing up against me, bending over the bar right in front of me...

Being around Bella in the bar had always been a sort of double-edged sword, before anything had ever happened between us; she had been a fantasy, and I had never imagined I would actually get to kiss her, never mind have her in my bed nightly as I spent my working hours thinking about her. Now it was worse than ever before, because it wasn't just a fantasy...it was pure anticipation. I knew it was only a matter of time before I could have Bella, and each time she "accidentally" brushed her ass against my dick while we moved behind the bar, it was all I could do not to grab her and have her right there on the bar, just like I had fantasized about for so long.

Most nights, I was overwhelmingly thankful for how dimly lit it was inside the bar.

I had learned my lesson quickly about trying anything within the walls of the bar; Bella didn't care if it was before we were open, or after we closed. The bar was off-limits. All it had taken was a playful smack on her ass as she had leaned over the bar to clean it, and Bella had gone into a silent rage. With one soul-burning glare, she had silently locked herself in the office. I had walked home alone that night, and Bella had only slipped into bed beside me hours after I had left the bar. I hadn't been able to sleep without her, and my relief at seeing her had been enough to silently vow to keep myself under better control. We had gone to sleep without talking, but one of the things I had also learned about Bella was that her silences spoke volumes.

I knew, rationally, that I had no right to be angry. Bella had her rules, and I had known that early on. But I couldn't help myself. A slow burn of frustration simmered in my gut as I watched her move about the bar, her skinny jeans clinging tightly to her ass. Today's black T-shirt was cut into a deep V in the front, exposing her creamy skin and rounded breasts. I half-wondered if she was wearing a push-up bra, knowing that on previous days there hadn't been that much cleavage under Bella's clothes. I had spent enough time staring at her to know.

_Why should I blame her that she filled my days With misery, or that she would of late Have taught to ignorant men most violent ways? _I quoted to myself, resisting the urge to glare at Bella. Only a handful of regulars were in the bar, Rich and his friends included, so I had little else to do. It was my own fault I was in this mess; I hadn't counted on her having a past, but it didn't change how I felt about her, or the future I was beginning to dream of.

I was starting to understand how a woman could be worth starting a war over.

The door opened, and the rush of cool air startled me from my thoughts. The late spring snow had melted over the last few weeks, and the temperature was finally warming as we approached May. Alice's semester at school was coming to a close, and I missed my sister more than ever. She would be graduating from college in two weeks, and I had no plane ticket to California. Even though she had told me she understood, I knew she was hurt I wouldn't be there.

Nonetheless, she had listened to me ramble on about Bella for nearly an hour with her usual sisterly concern. Alice had been ecstatic to hear that Jessica was no more, and even happier to learn that I had been spending my time with Bella instead. My sister told me to be patient, and that it was patently obvious to her that Bella was worth the wait. As we hung up, she had made a final plea for me to try to make it to her graduation ceremony – and to bring Bella. Alice had a sneaking suspicion they would get on famously, and threatened to find a way to New York if I didn't visit her soon.

The sound of heels clicking against the wooden floor boards caused me to raise my gaze in curiosity from Bella, who I was still idly watching as she wiped down the bar. It was a tantalizing sight, her hips swiveling as put her entire body into the effort of getting the bar clean.

I looked up to find a gorgeous blonde staring at me, her expression torn between disgust and amusement. _She caught me staring at Bella. Oh shit,_ I panicked, eyeing the girl's expensive clothes and flawless makeup. My sister had forced more fashion knowledge upon me than I had ever wanted to know, and combined with the girl's no-bullshit posture, I wondered how the hell this blonde had ended up in a neighborhood bar in Brooklyn.

"Rose!" Bella cried from behind me, rushing around the bar and throwing her arms around the girl's slender frame. Her friend returned her hug, but her eyes never left mine, one eyebrow raised at me as if it were a challenge.

_Shit, shit, shit!_

I watched their embrace, and knew I was just plain staring by the time Bella pulled away with a happy grin on her face. It wasn't just any girl that had caught me blatantly ogling Bella; it was her best friend. I was so many different kinds of screwed, and not in an even remotely good way.

_Get a hold of yourself! Don't let her see your fear. She'll eat you alive. _

I licked my lips nervously, eyeing her perfectly straightened hair and long nails. She was wearing a tight black pencil skirt with a cream sweater that was fitted to her waist by a thin belt; a pair of red, impossibly high heels completed her look. She oozed confidence, and she scared the shit out of me.

"I can't believe you just showed up!" Bella said happily, turning toward me with a giddy smile. The mere presence of her friend was like an instant drug to Bella; her cheeks were flushed with happiness, and her entire body seemed to visibly relax. "Rose, this is Edward. Edward, my friend Rosalie. I mentioned a few weeks ago she was going to visit."

"Hello, Edward. Bella's told me quite a bit about you." Her voice was warm, but her eyes were still studying me coolly. She looked like she was making an assessment, and I was certain by the glint in her eye that I was failing.

_Calm down. She's Bella's friend. She's important to Bella. Find a way to be nice to her. _

"All good things, I hope?" I returned with the lopsided grin I knew Bella loved.

Rosalie laughed quietly as she walked up to the bar and perched herself on one of the stools. Rich and all of his friends were staring, as were the rest of the men in the bar. Rosalie didn't seem to notice – or care.

"Of course. Why would Bella have anything bad to say about you?"

I flushed, remembering any number of idiotic things I had done over the last few years. To start with, my constant lateness had been a thorn in Bella's side, but I'd only been late once since we'd started seeing each other outside of work. And, in a way, that had been her own fault; I had spent a bit too much time in the shower thinking of her.

Bella seemed to notice my discomfort, and in a move that shocked me, redirected her friend's attention. "So, Rose, how long are you in town? Did you get a hotel room? You know you're welcome to stay with me," she continued, though her face burned with the words, and I knew why; Bella hadn't spent a night sleeping in her own bed in weeks.

And it appeared Rosalie knew that too.

"I grabbed a room uptown," Rosalie said, her eyes darting between the two of us. "I assumed you had plans this evening." She didn't address Bella specifically, and my cheeks burned all over again at the implication.

_Wow, she's direct_, I thought to myself, grateful a paying customer had come up to the bar to request a beer so I could step away from the two women. I took my sweet time pouring the guy's beer, and then decided it was a good idea for me to clean and rearrange the liquor bottles.

I heard snippets of their conversation, and Bella had ceased working. It was her bar; if she wanted to sit there sipping drinks with her friend, that was her business.

But the longer I stayed away, the more I felt like I was being ridiculous. I wanted to know Bella's friends, and one day, meet her father. I thought about my sister's plea to bring Bella to her graduation, and realized that though I had laughed at Alice's insistence they would be friends, I wanted Bella to meet my sister. I wanted Bella to meet my family, and I wanted her to see Forks. And I wanted her to show me Phoenix.

I wanted a whole host of things, all of which seemed to stem from simply wanting Bella.

_Had they but courage equal to desire?_

I took a deep breath and wandered over to the other side of the bar. Bella had grabbed a vodka bottle from the shelf, and it sat between the two of them, half-empty. Bella's cheeks were flushed, and her eyes bright. They were both laughing, and Bella was gasping out a protest.

"No! Rose, really, the truck is awesome. And I don't need a car here. It's New York! No one has a car!" Bella declared, shaking a finger at her friend.

_Oh, she's definitely drunk_, I thought to myself, smart enough to not say it aloud. I half-wondered if the owner being shit-faced was a good enough reason to close the bar early; it was a Tuesday night, and business was slow anyway.

"Hey, Edward! I bet you have a car. You look like the car type. Something expensive." Rosalie's eyes were dancing with amusement as she waited for my reply. I noticed her cheeks were still the same smooth white they had been when she had entered the bar; she was letting Bella get drunk, but taking it easy herself.

_What's her plan? She looks like she has a plan_. I eyed Rosalie suspiciously, watching Bella lean her elbows on the bar and offer me a bright smile. I wanted to kiss her, and badly, but the entire bar was watching.

"Edward doesn't have a car," Bella shot back, breaking our stare and turning toward her friend. "Rose, you got this one wrong,"

"Edward doesn't have a car in the city," I corrected her, fighting the urge to repeat her sing-song tone. I turned toward Rosalie, who looked completely unsurprised. "I've got a car back home. Bella's right. It's a little stupid to keep a car here. We walk everywhere or take a cab."

Rosalie arched an eyebrow at my response, and I couldn't tell if it was my accidental use of the word "we," or if it was my taking Bella's side. "Okay, fine, no cars in the city. But surely whatever you have at home is better than Bella's truck."

"I have an Audi," I told her, wondering why she was so interested in what kind of car I drove. I decided to leave out that I also still had the Volvo my parents had gotten me when I turned sixteen; the Audi was the most impulsive purchase I had ever made, and looking back, the beginning of my downhill slide. But damn if it wasn't a beautiful car.

"A4 or A5?"

I stared at her blankly, shocked that she not only was curious about the models, but actually knew their names. Bella was giggling behind her hands, and I knew I was missing something. "Neither. The S5. You know cars?"

Bella couldn't contain herself. "Ha! Does Rose know cars? What a silly question."

_Oh, she's really drunk. How much of that vodka did she drink?_

"Rose owns a car business, Edward, up in Connecticut. This is what she does for a living. Not that it makes it okay for her to insult the truck!" Bella pouted, her bottom lip sticking out and making me want to take her into the office and suck on it. I leaned my elbows on the bar, hiding the growing bulge in my pants as my face drew closer to Bella's.

"Oh?" I asked calmly, my eyes only on Bella. She could have told me the bar was on fire in that moment, and I wouldn't have cared. All I wanted was to kiss her full lips and flushed cheeks. I had been doing a better job of controlling myself in the bar, but Bella's drunken state had her bordering on relaxed. She leaned closer to me, and for a split second, I was hopeful she would kiss me.

"Yep!" Bella sat up, her eyes dancing. "Getting a little close, aren't we?"

I blinked rapidly, my cheeks flaming as Bella took another sip of her drink. _That's why she's so drunk_, I realized, watching as she brought the glass to her lips. She was drinking vodka straight, ice and a lemon wedge the only thing attempting to dilute the strength.

"Yes, Bella's right. I own a car business. Which is how I guessed you would drive something rather expensive and fast. The Audi's a good fit for you. Let me guess...blue?" Rosalie smiled, amused by my shock as I stared back at her. She tossed her hair back over her shoulder, and waited expectantly.

"Um...yeah, the deep sea blue. How did you...?" I sputtered, wondering who the hell this girl was and what I had gotten myself into. Bella didn't even know I owned a car; Bella didn't know I came from a family with the kind of money it took to buy such a car, never mind the Volvo we were leaving out of the conversation. Though judging by her reaction to the car conversation, Bella didn't know that the car I'd named had cost as much as it had. Because the car had been custom ordered, my parents hadn't been able to make me return it, but I could tell they had wanted to when the sixty-thousand dollar bill came in; they'd wanted to all over again when Alice had made the argument that if I got two cars, she was getting a Porsche, and they'd had to give in to that on the grounds of fairness.

But even though Bella had no idea what any of the car talk meant, it was clear Rosalie did.

"Bella told you. This is what I do for a living." She smiled again, and I couldn't help but shiver. She was being polite, bordering on friendly, but there was something lurking in the intensity of her gaze. Rosalie was testing me, and I hadn't gotten a chance to study. "Now how does a bartender in Brooklyn afford that kind of car?"

"I, uh, well, my parents..." I mumbled, standing up straight and taking a deep breath. _She's going to know you're afraid of her_, I told myself, forcing my stare to meet hers. "What's this about Bella's truck? I didn't know she had a truck."

Rosalie paused, and for a minute, I didn't think she would go along with my change of subject. But eventually, she replied, "Yeah, Bella's got a truck. The thing's awful. Thank god it's not here in the city. It was her father's – when he was a teenager. And he got it used!" Rosalie provided the information to me in such a way that it seemed downright scandalous. Her eyes were wide and her voice theatrically indignant. I could tell it was all for Bella's benefit by the way the friends were glaring at each other in mock-annoyance. "I've been trying to get her to buy a proper vehicle for years. I know the bars are doing well, Bella. Please get rid of that thing."

"But it's not even here, Rose! What do you care?" Bella whined, pouring more vodka into her glass. She obviously wasn't upset; there was still a smile in her eyes. No matter how bad she scared me, I was starting to hope Rosalie would stick around, just to see Bella so happy.

"Because every time I go home for Christmas or some other holiday, I have to drive by your dad's place and see it parked there, dying a slow painful death in the sun! C'mon Bella," Rosalie wheedled, turning intimidating eyes on her friend. "Let's go test drive cars tomorrow morning! I've got some contacts in the city. We can get you a great deal. Bring the boyfriend," Rosalie added on, nodding her head in my direction. "It'll be fun!"

I froze, staring at Rosalie in horror before my anxious glance darted back to Bella. Her entire face had fallen, and I watched as she hastily plastered a smile back in place. "Maybe," she said stiffly, her acting skills severely depleted by the amount of vodka she'd had to drink. "You know, Rose, this is really awful of me, drinking in the bar like this. Do you want to come hang at my place for a little bit? It's been way too long since I've seen you." There was an edge to the words, and Bella's knuckles were white from gripping the bar.

"Sure, Bells. Whatever you want to do. Go grab your stuff and we'll go," Rosalie said easily, but her eyes were trained suspiciously on me. I backed away, wishing it was a Friday night and I could find something, anything, to occupy myself with at that moment.

"Edward, close the bar up early tonight, okay? We're not that busy and the numbers have been good lately," Bella told me as she got off her bar stool. She swayed slightly, but then began to walk back toward the office. I winced at how unsteady she was on her feet, and worried about how far away her apartment was.

That was another thing; I still didn't know where Bella lived. It was just another annoyance to pile atop a growing list. I was determined to remind myself that Bella was worth it, but sometimes it was rather difficult to remember.

As soon as Bella was out of sight, Rosalie's light blue eyes settled firmly on me. "So, Edward. Want to tell me what the hell that was all about?"

"I don't know," I told her with a shrug, sneaking a glance down the hall over my shoulder.

"Why did Bella react like that?"

"I don't know," I repeated, this time with an edge in my voice. Bella's friend or not, she had no right to force these kinds of questions on me. It was abundantly clear from Rosalie's expression and tone that she knew _exactly_ what had set Bella off. I wondered if it was another test, and my temper began to flare. Had she just deliberately provoked Bella to see my reaction?

"I think you do."

"I don't think this is any of your business."

"I don't think you have a goddamn clue what's going on here," Rosalie shot back, her eyes narrowing. "Bella's in love with you," she said bluntly, her hard stare holding mine. "And if you tell her I told you, I swear to you I will feed you your own balls."

"But..." I started, my mind reeling. _Bella's in love with me? Bella can't possibly be..._

"She is. You should also know that she hasn't loved anyone in a very long time. There are very few people left in Bella's life who matter, and you're one of them. So don't fuck it up."

"Me?" I exploded, not even caring anymore if Bella walked into our conversation. "I've been trying with her! She won't tell me anything about her life, about her past, about anything! She won't let me touch her as long as we're in this damned bar, but she's completely different when we're alone!" I took a deep breath, lowering my voice. Rich and his friends kept glancing in my direction, and the tiny remaining rational part of my brain knew Bella would reappear at any moment.

"Rosalie, Bella is important to me. I don't know what possessed you to just throw that comment out there. You know her a million times better than I do, so you must know the details of what is – and isn't – going on between us right now. Which means you also know that we're in a really awkward, I don't know what we are, sort of phase." I took a deep breath, watching Rosalie's face carefully as I ranted at her. What surprised me the most was that the more I spoke, the calmer she looked. By the time I had finished speaking, she was smiling at me. It was infuriating.

"The two of you..." She shook her head, still smiling. "You're in love with her, she's in love with you, and you're both too damn scared to admit it."

"I'm not..."

"Not what?" Bella asked, coming up behind me. Her words were slightly slurred, and she leaned against me for a moment while she slung her purse over her shoulder. It was the most contact she'd ever voluntarily initiated in the bar, and her closeness made my heart thump a little harder in my chest. I pushed the rising panic Rosalie's words had caused down, determined to keep my messed up emotions from Bella.

"Nothing," I muttered, glaring at Rosalie over Bella's head. She had to have seen Bella coming down the hallway from where she stood; I had a sneaking suspicion she had set me up. I bent closer to Bella's ear, snaking one arm around her waist as she went to move away from me. I wasn't ready to let her out of my sight just yet, and I figured, hey, she started it. "Are you coming over later?" I asked quietly, ignoring my blush and Rosalie's blistering stare.

Bella's eyes went from me to Rosalie, silent questions darting back and forth. She took a step away from me, and I released her, realizing that Rosalie – and Rich – were both staring. "Um, yeah, probably," she said aloud, her vague answer making my blood boil. "Close the bar whenever Rich and his friends head home. I locked the safe. You can just leave the deposit in the usual place."

"I've closed the bar before, Bella," I said lightly, wishing I could run my fingers through her hair and lay in bed with her. It made me nervous how drunk she was, and even though she was going to be with Rosalie, I didn't like the thought of her wandering back to her apartment. The proactive urge was strong, and startled me with how hard it hit me. "Hey, before you go, do you mind if I grab a cigarette?" I stalled, hoping Bella would join me outside and leave Rosalie to supervise the dozen people in the bar.

Bella scowled, taking a seat on one of the bar stools. "No, I don't mind. I still wish you would quit, though."

I sighed, ignoring the comment and grabbing my cigarettes from under the bar. It was an on-going argument we seemed to be having; Bella wanted me to quit, and I just wasn't ready to give up the habit. I'd started smoking when I had started working in bars, back when you were still allowed to smoke inside. Now I knew it would be difficult to quit, and with how stressed Bella could make me at any given moment, I couldn't do it.

As I stepped out of the bar, the first thing I noticed was the cherry red BMW parked outside. I remembered Bella's threat from her phone call, and realized the car must belong to Rosalie. Upon further inspection, I saw Connecticut plates, which only confirmed it. I expected to see some sort of clever vanity plate, but instead it was just the standard issue letters and numbers.

_Well at least they won't be walking around,_ I tried to reassure myself as I flicked my lighter to life. _Though driving around in an ostentatious car like this...I wish I was going with them_.

Rosalie herself breezed out of the bar just as I was taking the first drag from my cigarette, and I sighed. I wasn't in the mood to talk to her anymore, and I hoped she would just get in her car and wait for Bella.

No such luck.

Rosalie crossed her arms over her chest, taking a defensive wide stance in her perilous shoes as she glared at me.

"What?"

"You're going to kill yourself. You should listen to Bella."

"Did you come out here to lecture me about cigarettes too?"

"No," she snapped back. She took a step closer to me, wrinkling her nose at the smoke that drifted her way. "No, I came out here to tell you something. I love Bella like a sister, and I want to see her happy. _You_ make her happy. God, Edward, do you see the way she looks at you? Are you completely blind?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You're both idiots." Rosalie took a deep breath, and then let it all back out in a rush of air. She stepped around me, leaning back against the bricks beside me. Her eyes softened, and she was calmer when she spoke again. "Bella is strong, and I think you know that. But her strength only goes so far. And I think you know that too. You need to talk to her, Edward. Tell her how you feel. Get her to tell you how _she_ feels."

I nodded, lost in thought. Rosalie had told me I was in love with Bella before I had been willing to admit it to myself; since the words had left her mouth, they had been spinning in my head. Was I in love with her? Was it even possible that over the last three weeks I had let myself fall in love with her?

"What happened to her mom?" I finally asked, hoping Rosalie would shed some light on Bella's past. Some instinctive urge told me that Bella's mom, and whatever had happened to her, were central to Bella's past.

"That's a story for Bella to tell you, Edward," Rosalie said gently, a twinge of sadness coating the words. Apparently it wasn't just Bella that still mourned her mother's passing. Rosalie put her hand on my arm and looked up into my eyes. I was shocked by how warm her expression was. She squeezed my arm before stepping away from me, jingling her keys in her hand. "Just listen when she does. She's never had to tell anyone before. She's never _wanted_ to tell anyone before."

I nodded, feeling oddly grateful toward Rosalie. I was still a bit scared of her; she had the ferocity of a lioness, and I knew if I hurt Bella I'd have Rosalie to answer to. I somehow instinctively knew that none of Rosalie's threats were real; nothing escaped her notice, and though I had felt the scrutiny of her microscope while in the bar, I found myself thankful for her perspective as I walked back inside.

Bella stood as I slipped behind the bar, pulling her scarf more tightly around her neck. She had put her jacket on while waiting for me to come back, and I was glad she had the coat to hide her curves from the men on the street.

"Rosalie's waiting in the car," I told her, wishing she would stay, or that I could leave with her. "It actually feels like spring outside too. We might be able to leave the windows open tonight," I tacked on quietly so only she would hear.

"About that..." Bella took a step toward the door, but turned back to face me. "I, well, I was thinking...Rose is only here tonight, so I might stay home. You know, spend some time with her. We've been together every night for weeks. I think one night apart will be fine." Bella was babbling, and it sounded a hell of a lot like she was trying to convince herself almost as much as me. It didn't help that she refused to look at me.

I wasn't convinced. I knew I couldn't sleep without her; I had grown dependent on Bella. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I wrapped myself around her warm body and breathed in her hair; I needed her. The one night over the last few weeks that I had tried to sleep without her, I had ended up staring at the ceiling until she eventually appeared.

But I didn't say any of that. Instead, I just mumbled, "okay," and let her walk away with pieces of my heart clinging to the bottom of her shoes.

_Why, what could she have done, being what she is? Was there another Troy for her to burn?_

_

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_

AN: So... that bookgeek80... she's sort of awesome. I also tried something new this week: pre-readers. Huge thanks to LuluM & PiedPiper for giving me their thoughts. I think we're going to stick with that plan going forward.

Some announcements: This fic is getting a much better response than my other, and, well, I'm curious as to what you guys like so much. So I'm offering a bribe. (Let's call a spade a spade.) You give me your review, and I'll give you a teaser of the next chapter. We'll see how that goes and maybe keep it up for later chapters.

An outtake from Roman Candle is going up for auction at The Fandom Gives Back. It can be either BPOV or EPOV, and you pick the scene. More details to come, but I would love your help raising money for such a great charity.

Edward is quoting from WB Yeat's "No Second Troy"


	11. 11 Parlay

Disclaimer: I don't own Edward but I do own my very own case of insomnia. Don't feel bad for me. It lets me write more. =)

11. Parlay

* * *

I closed the bar early and went home, hopeful that Bella would change her mind about coming over. I knew I couldn't sleep without her, and a part of me hoped that she felt the same way. To some degree, I already knew she slept better beside me; if she was restless in her sleep, a kiss on her shoulder, or the tightening of my arm around her waist would quiet her. I always loved those moments...Bella's body was more honest in sleep than in her waking hours.

That, and I knew I slept a hell of a lot better beside her. I had grown increasingly aware of the fact that I needed Bella, and not just to sleep. Somewhere over the last few years, I had grown to depend on her, much more than I had ever been willing to admit.

The air still had a chill to it, but the walk home made me warm enough that I decided to have a seat on my stoop before heading into the apartment. It wasn't as if there was anything waiting up there but darkness anyway. I pulled my sweatshirt around myself more tightly, yanking the hood down over my head. The sun had already gone down, and the streetlights cast the shadows of the sparse trees along the sidewalks. The air was damp, cool, and reminded me of home. I almost wished a light mist of rain were falling. I almost wished I was back in Forks.

With a grunt of dissatisfaction, I lit a cigarette and closed my eyes as I took the first drag. A part of me – a very small part – wanted to wash my hands of all of it and just go back home. Bella was driving me insane, and I almost wondered if it would have been easier to just go back to Washington with Jessica. Jessica didn't make me feel like I had been sucker punched and was gasping for air; Jessica didn't give me whiplash with her changing moods. Jessica hadn't really made me feel anything, and I was beginning to wonder if it had been better that way.

As I listened to the sirens wailing a few blocks away, I missed the quiet of Forks and the solitude of the forest. I missed driving aimlessly down the 101 with nothing but me, the road, and a whole lot of forest. It didn't fail to escape my notice that I felt far lonelier in the crowded city than in the empty forests, no matter how clichéd it seemed.

_Maybe I _should_ go to Alice's graduation. I can apologize to Mom and Dad, and they won't be able to kill me in front of all those people_, I mused, leaning my elbows back on the hard concrete stairs and letting my cigarette dangle from my bottom lip. I opened my eyes, staring at the half-dozen visible stars high above me, and hating the orange-pink tint the city glow caused. _Maybe I should just go back to Forks and start over. I can get my GPA back up at the community college and go to UW. Bella isn't worth all this. _

But even as the thoughts formed in my mind, I knew they weren't true. Going to Alice's graduation was something I wanted very much to do, but if I was honest with myself, I wanted Bella to go with me. But that would mean having to shut the bar down for the weekend, and I wasn't so sure she would go for that. Never mind the part about traveling across the country with me, and meeting my family. It practically stamped "girlfriend" across her forehead, and after the way she had reacted to Rosalie's comment in the bar, I wasn't so sure that was the best idea either.

"Mother fuck," I growled under my breath, stabbing the cigarette into the step I was sitting on and immediately lighting another. I glared at the street in front of me, my temper simmering. As Tyler Durden would say, I wanted to breathe smoke; I was in the mood to destroy something beautiful.

But there was nothing left to destroy.

I half-thought about calling Bella until she answered her phone and gave me a damned explanation for her behavior. I remembered how she had leaned against me in the bar earlier, seemingly not caring that both Rosalie and Rich had been staring at us; I had been the one to pull away.

_And just because I was worried about her,_ I thought bitterly, my jaw tightening as I thought about Bella's frequent rejections. I wasn't stupid; I knew there something behind her standoffish behavior that had nothing to do with me.

_I was worried she would be mad that I was touching her in the bar. What the fuck is it with her? Does she want to be with me? Does she not? Her best friend says Bella's in love with me, but she sure as fuck doesn't act like it. How can she be in love with me and not want me to touch her? How can she be in love with me but not trust me? And how the fuck is she in love with me but sleeps next to me every night with nothing more than a kiss?_

I was willing to admit I had strong feelings for Bella; the girl had gotten under my skin, and I had been irrevocably changed by her. I had started to care again, and a lot of it had to do with Bella; I wanted to be better for her, and to feel like I actually deserved her sleeping in my bed each night. I wanted to believe I deserved more than that. And I wanted to get my life back together; I wanted my family back. I missed my sister terribly, enough that I even missed being dragged through the mall by her for entire afternoons.

But Bella's frequent physical rejections bothered me. I wanted to kiss her, yes, but I ached for more. It wasn't even just the physical release of the tension between us that I wanted so badly, but the emotional aspect as well. Rosalie's words had been spinning around in my mind all evening, and though they had instilled sheer panic in me at first, by the end of the night I knew she was right. A part of me had been in love with Bella since the day she had hired me, and the weeks we had spent together had only reignited the old simmering burn. I wanted to hear her moan my name, but I also just wanted to feel her body pressed to mine. I wanted to bury myself inside her, and then_, then_ I wanted to kiss her until she was breathless.

I shifted uncomfortably on the steps as I let my thoughts wander to what it would be like to make love to Bella. I wondered what kind of lover she would be; did she like it slow and sweet, or fast and hard? Would she drag her nails down my back? Or twist her fingers through my hair? Would she stare at me with those soulful brown eyes while we made love? Or throw her head back with her eyes closed while she rode me?

A car door slamming down the street pulled me out of my reverie, a blush flaming across my cheeks. It may have been dark, but it wasn't that late, and I was sitting on my front stoop with a raging hard on, fantasizing about sex with Bella. Nervously taking a look around to make sure none of my neighbors were about, I rushed into my apartment building.

My plan to find relief in the privacy of my shower went to hell as soon as I stepped into the dark apartment; the silent emptiness killed any amorous thoughts of Bella. My anger returned, bubbling to the surface as I slammed my keys down on the kitchen counter. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket, checking for messages from Bella even though I knew there wouldn't be any. With a snarl, I threw the phone onto the counter beside the keys.

I stood in the middle of the kitchen, my shoulders heaving with the rage and frustration consuming my entire body. I had absolutely no control over this situation with Bella, and I was tired of it. She had me staring at my phone like a heartsick teenager, wishing and hoping that she would call. I eyed the bottle of whiskey sitting out on the counter for one long moment before snatching it up and swigging straight from the bottle.

With the bottle in one hand and my cigarettes in the other, I stalked over to the couch. Bella had gone with me to find a replacement coffee table, and I glared at it as I sat down. I didn't want to be reminded of her, and I half-debated sending it tumbling down to the garbage in pieces, before deciding I didn't want to go through the process of replacing it again. Instead, I put down the bottle of whiskey, found an ashtray, and fired up the seldom-used Xbox. I'd had it since I had moved to the city, and though I rarely played, I was in the mood to shoot things.

Hours later, my living room reeked of cigarette smoke and I was drunk. My anger hadn't faded any; if anything, the game had only made it worse. I was out of practice – I hadn't played in over a month – and I lost over and over again.

I finally threw the controller down in disgust, glaring at the time on the cable box. It was after midnight, and I still hadn't heard from her. I went into the kitchen to make sure I hadn't just missed her call, but the phone was dark. No messages.

Resisting the urge to hurl the phone at the wall, I decided it was best if I just went to bed. I threw open the living room windows, the cool air swirling around me and sucking the haze of cigarette smoke back out. I took a deep breath of fresh air before stomping down the hall to my bedroom.

I threw myself onto the bed, resisting the urge to press my face into Bella's pillow and draw in her scent. But as I lay in the darkness, I could still smell her shampoo. I grabbed the pillow and threw it across the room where it landed with a dissatisfying flop.

I could still smell her skin on the sheets.

_What're you going to do, Edward? Rip the sheets off the bed and sleep on the mattress? It's just one fucking night. You're overreacting, _I told myself, trying to believe the words. I knew I was being childish, but I didn't care. I wanted to have a good sulk and be angry at her for making me feel as torn up as she did. And in the back of my mind, a very tiny rational part of me was glad she wasn't there to see me like that.

I sat up, pulling off my shirt and jeans before getting into bed. I lay on my back with my arms folded behind my head, and shut my eyes. I willed sleep to come, but hours later I found myself still awake, staring up at my ceiling. I checked my phone compulsively for a message from Bella, certain that she would text me at any moment saying she was on her way, she couldn't sleep without me.

I was still waiting when the sun rose.

By the time the sun was fully up, I had given up on sleep. I went down to the corner deli for a cup of coffee and some breakfast, my stomach grumbling its protest at the lack of dinner from the night before. I tried to read a book for awhile before I gave up and decided to go for a run.

Running had been an outlet for me since I was a kid. I had done track in both high-school and college, but had given my time to other pursuits as of late. Jessica and the bar had monopolized my time after I had left college, and over the last month I had spent most of my free time with Bella. Intent on ignoring her – and my life – for a time, I dug out my iPod and set off into the morning.

I ran for miles. I was out of shape, and my lungs burned while my legs screamed, but I didn't care. I relished the pain I was inflicting on myself, and hoped that by the time I got back to my apartment, I would be exhausted enough to sleep before heading into the bar.

Even though I had vowed to keep Bella from my thoughts, my run was consumed by predictions of how our evening would go. What version of Bella was going to be waiting at the bar for me? Would she be relaxed, like she had been in Rosalie's presence, and lean against me? Would she be wearing yet another pair of skin-tight jeans? Would she stand closer to me than necessary and torture me with the scent of her shampoo? Or would she merely hide out in the office all night and avoid me, like she usually did when I had done something to annoy her?

The anxious speculation turned out to be a waste of time; Bella chose none of the above.

In a completely unexpected move, Bella sent me a text message that she wasn't feeling well enough to come into work. She requested that I open the bar without her, and do the best I could. The message ended with a perfunctory "sorry" and that was it. I stood in my kitchen, still sweating from my run, staring at the phone in shock. There had been one other time that Bella hadn't come into the bar. It had been under doctor's orders, but she'd still been there the next day, her cheeks flushed with fever and her voice cracking with each word.

_So she's avoiding me. Fantastic_.

Any relief I had found in my punishing run was gone. I had been both dreading and looking forward to work; I had thought Bella would be there, and we would have to face each other one way or another. There was a measure of relief in knowing that much, and her text message had ripped it away. I felt like my heart was a lead weight sitting in the pit of my stomach.

Part of me debated staying home; fuck the bar. But I shoved that part down, knowing how much the bar meant to Bella. I might stew the night away, but I couldn't let her down.

_Not to mention you're being completely irrational. Her friend is here. Maybe she really _did_ just want to spend the night with Rosalie. Maybe they were up drinking and that's why she never came over. She _was _leaning against me in the bar. I must be overreacting. _

_But she didn't text me either. And it's very unlike her to blow off work to stay out drinking. She'd be all over me if I did that_, my thoughts whined back as I got dressed. _She's avoiding you. Accept it. _

By the time I was dressed, it was still far too early to go to the bar. I sat around my apartment, alternating between trying to do something – watch TV, play video games, read a book – and chain smoking beside the open window. Bella had me completely undone, and I knew it.

Once inside the bar, I fought the urge to slam the bottles around as I went about my usual stocking routine. There wasn't much to do after closing up early the night before, and I soon found myself lost in my thoughts once again. It was a Wednesday afternoon, and only the usual suspects were in, sipping beer and watching a baseball game on the flat screen mounted behind the bar.

When Rich came in with his friends, I ran to Starbucks for a coffee and a copy of the _New York Times_. With only the two of us working, Bella and I had occasionally relied on Rich when we needed to leave the bar unattended for a few minutes. It worked out well; Rich gave away free beer to his friends, made everyone else pay, and the bar would still be standing when I returned.

The night dragged on. I tried to do the crossword, but instead of losing my thoughts in the obscure clues, I couldn't stop thinking about Bella. In frustration, I finally crumpled the paper into an angry ball and threw it into the trash.

"Rough night?"

I looked up sharply to find Rosalie standing on the other side of the bar. She looked completely different from the night before; she was wearing a pair of slouchy jeans, ripped at the knees, and a Yankees T-shirt. Her hair was piled into a messy bun on top of her head, and it didn't look like she had put makeup on. Even casual, and obviously tired, she was still beautiful. If blondes had still been my thing, I would have wanted her, but those days were over. I definitely preferred brunettes – well, really just the one.

"I didn't sleep well last night," I told her as she slid onto one of the barstools, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. I wanted to add on, _and it's probably your fault_, but I kept my mouth shut. Rosalie hadn't exactly been what I'd call nice, but she hadn't been a bitch. I had no business being rude to her.

"I see," she replied, but her words were loaded. I watched her nervously while I scanned the bar, hoping someone would need a refill and get me away from this awkward exchange.

"Did you, uh, did you want a drink or something?" I finally asked, rubbing the back of my neck as I struggled to maintain eye contact with her. She was intimidating as all hell, and I felt like she could see every thought I'd ever had as she studied me. There were dark circles under her eyes, making her exhaustion obvious, but the stare she fixed on me was solid.

"Sure, whatever you've got on tap would be fine," she said with a wave of her hand, finally shifting her gaze to the liquor shelves behind me.

_Beer? She just wants a beer? I really would have thought her more of a martini girl, but okay, _I mused to myself as I went to pour her beer. I didn't want to admit it, but her choice of beverage made me like her just a little bit more.

"Blue Moon okay?" I called as I put the glass under the draft. Rosalie nodded, and I quickly poured her beer before dropping an orange slice on the top. She accepted it gratefully, taking a long draught before setting it back down on the bar.

"So," she said, running her finger along the rim of the pint glass.

"So."

"Bella's not here."

"No."

"Where is she?"

"I think you know exactly where she is," I countered, my temper flaring all over again. Why was Rosalie playing games? And if she knew Bella wasn't at the bar, why the hell had she come in?

"Fine, Edward. I do know where she is. I spent the night and all of this morning with her." Rosalie's eyes narrowed at me, her voice weary. "Listen, I like you, and just the way you look at Bella...you're good for her. But the two of you are making each other crazy."

"Bella's not sick at all, is she?"

Rosalie smiled, shaking her head slightly as she took another long sip of her beer. "You _do_ have a brain behind those pretty green eyes, don't you?" I bristled at the comment, fighting the urge to lash out. I couldn't understand why it was that first Bella, and now Rosalie, had it in their heads that I was stupid. "No, Edward," Rosalie continued, ignoring my irritation, "she's not sick. She had a little bit of a headache when she sobered up this morning, but she's otherwise fine."

"Right. I'm sure she slept it off."

"You and I both know Bella didn't sleep at all last night," Rosalie countered, an edge to her voice. "Don't be an asshole. I get that this isn't easy for you either, but you don't know where Bella's coming from. You need to be patient."

"I don't know where she's coming from?" I demanded, tightening my hands into fists at my side. If Rosalie had been a man, I probably would have punched her. "Rosalie, she doesn't fucking talk to me!"

"You don't talk to each other."

"I've tried talking to her," I told her, trying to keep the whine out of my voice. Rosalie's accusations were making me sound like an uncaring bastard who hadn't bothered to try; they made my heart ache with the possibility that Bella had seen me in the same way.

"When?"

"That first night..."

"Oh? When you drunk-dialed her? Because your girlfriend left you? _That_ night?" Rosalie shot back, a challenge in her tone. "You mean the night you let Bella take care of you? And just rubbed Jessica in her face? Right after that whole disgusting bar dancing incident?"

"I didn't-"

"You did. You were a drunken mess because _Jessica_ had left you. Can you imagine how that felt to Bella?"

"I _needed _her," I told Rosalie, hoping I didn't sound as pathetic as I felt. Admitting to myself that I needed Bella was one thing; saying it aloud to her best friend was another. "I tried to tell her..."

"Was this before or after you were so drunk you fell into the coffee table and nearly killed yourself? Before or after you decided to rub yourself all over Bella because you woke up wanting to get some? Did you think you were waking up with Jessica?"

"You weren't there that night. You don't know what happened." I remembered the tender look in Bella's eyes as she had patched up my various cuts and bruises, and the way her body had felt when she had slid into bed beside me. I wanted that night back; I wanted the snow to be falling hard and fast, trapping us together in a world where things were easier, simpler.

"Bella's told me enough." Rosalie's rough tone cut quickly into my reverie, startling me back into the conversation in the bar.

I opened my mouth to fire off another quick response, but swallowed it. Getting into a shoot-out with Rosalie couldn't possibly end well. I switched tactics, hoping I could get her to leave. I didn't want to talk to her anymore; I wanted to settle into my thoughts and find a way to make things right with Bella.

"Did you come down here just to bitch at me? Because I've got to tell you, I didn't sleep, I've had a long day, and I'm working alone tonight. I'm not in the mood for this. I don't care what you mean to Bella," I told her, keeping my voice low. I wanted to just tell her to get the fuck out of the bar, but I didn't. It was Bella's bar, and she was Bella's friend.

"I came here to help you," Rosalie snapped, slapping her hand on the bar. "Listen, I'm staying in the city tonight. Bella needs me." _And so do you_, her angry glare added on. She took a deep breath, looking around the bar to make sure we weren't drawing attention to ourselves. "Bella needs you," she said more quietly, lowering her gaze to her beer. Only her clenched fist revealed how angry she still was.

"Is there a reason why _you_ keep telling me how Bella feels? Why can't Bella tell me any of this?"

"Why don't _you_ tell her how you feel? Why don't _you_ tell her that you need her, instead of just calling her in a drunken stupor?"

"Are you kidding me?" I laughed bitterly, throwing my hands up. "You called me her boyfriend, and she freaked. How the fuck am I supposed to tell her how I feel about her when the mere mention of our relationship freaks her out? What do you want me to do, Rosalie? Chain her up and force her to listen to me?"

"Are you that afraid to risk putting yourself out there?" Rosalie replied instantly, her tone sharp. "Are you in love with her, or are you not? Because if you are, it's worth it. And if you're not, go back to Washington and let Bella move on. She's had enough shit to deal with over the years. She doesn't need you making it worse."

"I..." My voice trailed off, and I took a deep breath, scanning the bar to try and collect my thoughts. I couldn't go back to Washington; regardless of what I had thought the night before, I knew I couldn't leave Brooklyn as long as Bella was there. "I care a great deal about Bella," I said quietly, trying to ignore the ache in my chest. "But Bella told me herself she doesn't trust me. And she won't let me touch her! Do you know what that feels like? Sleeping next to someone you're in love with and not being able to touch her?"

"So you are in love with her." Rosalie raised one eyebrow, daring me to take the words back. I nodded with a sigh, knowing she had caught me out. I had obsessed over her words in my many sleepless hours, and though I still don't know the hell to do with the feelings I had, I'd at least figured out what they were. "Well, then _work_ on it with her. You can't expect her to just hand herself over, body and soul."

"But she expects me to."

"She just wants you to prove you're not lying."

"What the fuck could I be lying about? And why the hell do I have to prove myself to her?" I demanded. My hands tightened into fists again, my nails digging into my palms painfully. "Why can't she prove something to me?"

"Because she can't." Rosalie raised her hands as I opened my mouth to protest, stopping me. "I didn't say it was right. But that's the way it is. Take it or leave it, that's who Bella is now."

_I am Jack's boiling point._

"Will you please tell me what the fuck happened to her? Jesus, Rosalie, I'm flying blind here. She tells me she doesn't trust me. She freaks out if I touch her in the bar. She sleeps beside me every night, but if I try to do anymore than kiss her, she pushes me away."

Rosalie chuckled, spinning her finger around the edge of her glass again. "Edward, she's left you in her bar, by yourself, without coming in here. She might not say it aloud, but she trusts you. And she cares about you. According to Bella, she's already told you why you're not having sex, so trust her a little. Sex isn't everything."

"Bella is avoiding me; that's why she's not here. It has nothing to do with trust," I said through gritted teeth, glaring openly at Rosalie. "And she never told me why we're not having sex. She just pushes me away every time I try to take it any further." I shook my head, anger pulsing through my veins. I wanted to snap. "Did she send you down here to do this?" I suddenly demanded, studying Rosalie's face for a reaction.

"No, she did not send me down here," Rosalie snapped back. "I don't know why I bother. The two of you are determined to keep your heads firmly up your asses."

_I am Jack's Blood-Boiling Rage. _

"You want to help, Rosalie? Fucking help. Tell me what the fuck happened. Tell me what happened to her mom. Something's obviously very wrong in her past, and it's fucking up any chance I have at a normal relationship with her. If she won't fucking tell me, then you do it."

Rosalie's entire body stiffened, her jaw tightening. Fury was blazing in her eyes as she met my glare, quickly getting up off the bar stool. "As I've told you, Bella will tell you when she's ready. Don't you dare presume you know something about any of it. _You_ weren't there, Edward. _You_ didn't see it. _You_ didn't have to hold her together for _years_ to keep her from going to pieces. I want to help you, god, I really want to help you, because I love Bella. And I want her to be happy. But you're both stubborn as all hell. I should just go back to Connecticut and leave you here to fuck it up beyond repair!"

She grabbed her beer and downed the remainder in one long gulp, glaring at me furiously as she slammed the glass back down to the bar. "You're a fucking idiot," she snapped before turning away. She was practically out the door before I forced my anger down; I needed Rosalie on my side.

"Rosalie!" I called after her, forcing deep breaths in and out. Part of me wanted to strangle her, but I knew she was right and she meant well. "I'm a fucking mess, okay? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm sorry. Stay. I'm a shit. C'mon, I'll buy you a beer."

She turned back to the bar slowly, her entire body still tense with anger. After a pause, she stalked back over to the bar and threw herself down on the barstool again. "Fuck the beer. Pour me a shot. Make it a double, and make one for yourself."

"I'm working."

"Bella's not here to care. Pour the fucking shots, Edward."

I did as she said, grabbing the tequila bottle and some limes. _Go big or go home, right_? I told myself, pouring the liquor carefully into shot glasses lined up on the bar in front of Rosalie. When I was done, she silently picked hers up, waited for me to do the same, and then downed it in one smooth motion. I tossed mine back after another brief hesitation, eyeing Rich and his friends; the last thing I needed was for one of them to tattle to Bella. I was beginning to doubt she even knew that Rosalie was at the bar.

"Now," Rosalie began, holding her head in her hands and tapping at her temple with one long nail. "I am _not_ going to tell you again, but anything having to do with Bella's mother is off-limits. She buried a lot along with her mother, and that's all I'm saying. Are we clear?"

I nodded, making a careful study of the wood grain in the bar. My temper had momentarily gotten the best of me, but as I cooled, my fear of Rosalie came creeping back in. She could help me, or she could make my life a living hell, and I didn't think there was an option in between.

"As far as the physical side...Bella told you, Edward. It's very difficult for her to be with you like that because she can't...she's not ready to give over all of herself. She has to do it in pieces, and right now she just can't give you that. And if you're going to freak out on her because she's not ready to have sex with you, then you're a real piece of shit."

"I'm not! I would never force her into anything. I just don't understand, and I don't understand why she won't tell me any of this her damn self!" I retorted, struggling to keep from shouting. "We're going in circles. Please tell me what I'm supposed to do. I'm getting frustrated, and I'm sorry if that's not allowed, but I have fucking feelings too."

"I know. I told her that. Did you think I told Bella the way she's carrying on is okay? You're both being idiots. I told her that last night," Rosalie said calmly. She tapped her nails against the bar impatiently, and shook her head again at me like I was stupid. It was infuriating.

"And? What did she say?"

"She did exactly what you're doing; she got mad and defensive, and generally behaved like a child."

"Excuse me?"

Rosalie sighed heavily and threw her hands up. "Listen to me. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that being pushed away makes you feel like she doesn't want you, because that's clearly your problem, not that you're not having sex. I'm going to go see her, and then I'm going back to Connecticut in the morning because I have a business to run. I will tell her to go see you tonight, and I hope she'll listen to me. What you do when she gets there is entirely up to you, but I really hope you've been listening. You're both ridiculously stubborn, and I don't understand how two people so obviously in love are making their own lives so fucking difficult."

She stood, tossing a twenty down on the bar and marching back out before I could collect myself out of my shocked silence. I shook my head, trying hard to figure out what the hell had just happened as I cleaned up the glasses Rosalie and I had used.

Rosalie had come into the bar and scolded me like a child. My cheeks burned as I realized I'd deserved it. She was right; Bella and I were both being stupid. I was angry at myself, and angry at Bella for letting it get so far. We were nearly a month into a new relationship, and instead of basking in the happiness of finally being together, we were dancing around each other and walking on eggshells.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and typed a quick message.

**Please come over tonight after the bar closes. I know you're not sick. I need you.**

Hitting send, I shoved my phone back into my pocket and took a deep breath. _She'll come over tonight, _I reassured myself, leaning back against the counter. I ignored the ache in my chest, refusing to consider the possibility that Bella would ignore the message.

_She has to come over_, I told myself firmly. _She has to need me the way I need her. I know it._

_

* * *

_

AN: Even though she had a hideous work conference, the lovely Bookgeek80 handed in yet another fine beta job this week. Big thanks to her and the pre-readers, Lulu_M5 & PiedPiper. Mwah!

Edward's rage is clouding his brain, so he wasn't feeling very literary this week. Quotes are from Fight Club. (Which actually is a fantastic book, not just a movie where Brad Pitt brings the pretty.)

There's now a thread on Twilighted for this fic, started by venis_envy. I think she just likes to make me blush. Check it out! I might even post a teaser or two ;)

http:/www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=10123


	12. 12 Roman Candle

Disclaimer: I don't own Edward but I do own a pack of cigarettes because I fell off the damn wagon again. Stupid wagon.

12. Roman Candle

* * *

Bella didn't answer my text message. Or any of the dozen I sent thereafter. After the first few, I knew it was pointless, but I couldn't help myself. I just kept typing and pressing the 'send' button, as if it were a magical fix-all for whatever it was that had set Bella off.

I wished Rosalie had kept her damn mouth shut. I wished she had picked any word other than the one she had used; couldn't she have just used my name? She knew Bella better than anyone on the planet it seemed; didn't she know that using _that_ word would freak her out? For someone who claimed she wanted to help me, she had done a fine job of sending it all to hell.

_Maybe that's why she's so determined to help me? _She_ was the one who set Bella off in the bar the other day. Everything was fine until Rosalie opened her mouth. _

I stood behind the counter, waiting for the last few people to leave with my arms crossed, and I stewed.

By the time I left the bar I was in a foul mood, caught between crushing despair and blinding rage. Rosalie had told me to bare myself to Bella, and I'd done so in the most basic way I could think of: I'd told her I needed her. I'd never told anyone I needed them. I'd been so certain she would respond to my plea, so certain that I had half-expected her to walk through the door each time it opened.

But she didn't.

_Fucking Rosalie._

I stalked furiously back to my apartment after locking the bar up, sucking down cigarettes like water as I went. I wished I knew where Bella lived; I would have just shown up and demanded she see me. I wanted an explanation, and I wanted it now. And while I was at it, I just plain wanted to know where the fuck she lived. I deserved that much, right?

Stalking down the sidewalk, emptiness tore at my anger and made it fade; just as Poe's narrator described the dilapidated Usher mansion, so too it was for me: _with the first glimpse of the building, a sense of insufferable gloom pervaded my spirit. _The only thing I was getting that night was my empty apartment. I stood before the brick building, staring up at the windows to my apartment with loneliness throbbing in my chest.

Taking a deep breath, I pulled out my cell phone and glared at the dark screen. It mirrored the dark windows above, and I couldn't stand to look at it. Closing my eyes, I pressed send twice, redialing Bella's number. It went straight to voicemail. My heart sank.

"Bella..." I began, squeezing my eyes tightly against the way her name caught in my throat, "Bella, I need you to call me back. I know I've called you a whole bunch of times tonight, and I'm sorry, but I need to see you. Please," I whispered into the phone before ending the call.

I took a deep breath of the cool night air, shoving the phone into my pocket and making my way up the stairs. My body ached from my morning run; I had grossly underestimated just how badly out shape I was. The run, combined with nearly twelve hours on my feet in the bar, and topped off with Rosalie's visit...I was beat.

After a quick shower, I collapsed onto my bed, too tired to even bother getting dressed. I left my damp towel in a heap on the floor, and pulled the sheets over my shoulder as I rolled onto my side. A small part of me hoped Bella would let herself into the apartment and find me undressed, but I had practically given up on seeing her.

My phone remained disconcertingly silent.

Sleep came quickly but didn't stay. Exhausted by my day, I quickly fell into the blackness, but awoke to find that barely two hours had passed. My body felt leaden as I lay in bed, but still I hesitantly reached for my phone, telling myself Bella would have at least answered the last voicemail I had left her.

Nothing.

I unleashed a string of muttered curses, flinging myself from the bed. I couldn't spend another night tossing and turning, waiting for Bella to answer me; I would only grow angrier and angrier as the night went on. If I had any hope of getting answers out of Bella, I had to find a way to suppress the rage before seeing her again. I had to find a way to calm down; the girl had me too tightly wound.

Without bothering to turn on the bathroom light, I grabbed a bottle of Nyquil and a box of Benadryl. I popped one of the small pink pills out of its aluminum packing and washed it down with the syrupy Nyquil, not giving a shit how many FDA warnings I had just ignored. I wanted to sleep.

I stumbled back to my bed, giving the phone one last glare before closing my eyes and waiting for the drugs to kick in. I prayed for a dreamless sleep, and for once, got my wish.

When I awoke hours later, it felt like I was coming out of anesthesia. It took a monumental effort to sit up, and my vision lagged behind my movement. The room was bright with sunlight, and a cursory glance at my phone told me I was already an hour late for work; I had slept for nearly fifteen hours.

_Don't ever tell Dad about this genius idea of yours_, I berated myself as I struggled out of bed. _He'd probably tell you that you were in a mild coma and make the neurologist at the hospital check you out. Stupid, Edward, stupid. _

Even though I was severely late, Bella still hadn't called.

And that just pissed me off all over again.

_What the fuck is wrong with her? Now she won't even call me to see if I'm coming into work? What if I'd hurt myself? _I ranted as I lay in my bed feeling sullen. It didn't matter that I was just late; every other time I'd been more than an hour late, Bella had called. Mostly, it had been to yell at me right up until the moment I walked through the door into the bar, but still – she had called.

_Fuck this. She wants to ignore me? Fine. I'll ignore her._

I took a long, leisurely shower before slowly getting dressed. I didn't rush down the sidewalk; in fact, I decided to enjoy the spring sunshine, and ambled right by the bar to Starbucks. When I got there, I only got one coffee. For myself.

By the time I sauntered through the bar's door, I was high on my spiteful actions. I was even bordering on a good mood; though my phone never rang, I knew Bella had to be pissed. I was over two hours late, which was later than I had ever been. I thrived on the knowledge that I had finally found a way to even the score with her; I relished the thought of her rage.

Bella was behind the bar when I walked in, putting a rack of glasses into the cooler to frost. She had on a loose black T-shirt that I was almost certain belonged to me, which made me smile for a second before I remembered how mad I was.

It didn't help that as I went around the back of the bar, I realized she was wearing a short jean skirt. Even in flat sneakers, her legs looked tantalizing. I hated her all over again, and didn't bother saying a word as I shrugged out of my sweatshirt.

"You're late," she said flatly, not bothering to look up from her task.

"You never called me back," I replied, my voice full of sarcastic cheerfulness. "Turns out, I caught whatever it was that you had yesterday, and it took me a little bit to feel better. Though, it might not be completely gone. I may need to go home early tonight."

I knew I was being a jerk. I didn't care. It was sort of fun.

As I spoke, Bella's face began to flush until she was a deep maroon. "Fuck you," she spat, shoving past me with her eyes on the floor. The office door slammed moments later, and for a second I thought about going after her. But then I remembered how angry – and hurt – she had made me feel over the last two days, and decided a few hours alone in there would be good for her.

The satisfaction I took from getting under Bella's skin wore off quickly, and as it did, my mood soured. The hours went by, and I couldn't stop myself from anxiously watching the office door, hoping for some hint that she was about to come out into the bar. She only emerged twice, and both times she simply went to Starbucks and came back, never saying a word to me. She didn't even look at me.

I gritted my teeth, swallowed my rage, and tried to focus on my job.

It was a slow night, but working solo kept me busy enough. I did my best to ignore Bella's silent presence, pouring beers and making drinks. Not daring to ask her to watch the bar so I could run to Starbucks for another coffee, I drank several of the bar's RedBulls. They kept me wide awake, but it also made me anxious.

I had long ago grown accustomed to Bella's temper, but something about today was different. She wasn't yelling, and she wasn't glaring at me with that withering stare she was so good at. In fact, she hadn't looked at me once that evening. It sent a shiver down my spine, and not in a good way. Bella's stoic outward appearance had me suspicious that beneath it all, she was crumbling.

_No portion of the masonry had fallen; and there appeared to be a wild inconsistency between its still perfect adaptation of parts, and the crumbling condition of the individual stones._

A chill ran through me as Poe's words came to mind, and I couldn't help but be drawn back to the story I had been thinking about the night before on my walk home. It had been there all along, the crack in the House of Usher. _Perhaps the eye of a scrutinizing observer may have discovered a barely perceptible fissure, _said the narrator as he entered the cursed house. And so I scrutinized Bella's short appearances, looking for signs of distress.

I had my answer when the night came to a close.

Though of a mind to leave without a word, I knew I couldn't. Taking a deep breath, I walked back to the office and rapped lightly on the door.

"Go home."

"Bella...open the door." I jiggled the handle, but the office was locked. I sighed, leaning my head against the door and wanting to hit it. I wanted to be calm for her sake, and I wanted to be patient. But instead my temper was flaring again. I was exhausted and felt ready to snap. With a sharp kick at the bottom of the door, I repeated myself. "Bella, open the god damn door."

The door flew open, and I stumbled forward. Bella's hand reached out to steady me, but quickly shoved me back as soon as I got my footing. "What do you want?" she demanded, looking straight through me.

The sight of Bella sent a shock through me; her eyes were swollen, with deep purple bruises beneath them. Her hair was a mess, and it looked like she had been tugging on it for hours. It was obvious she had been crying, and it was more obvious that she hadn't slept in days.

My chest ached, and I wanted to reach for her, but her refusal to look at me sparked my temper. It wasn't my fault Bella was in the state was in. _I _had called her. _I _had begged her to come over.

"Why didn't you return any of my phone calls?" I asked, fighting the tightening of my jaw. I was trying to keep my voice light, but I heard the accusation in my tone.

"I told you, I was sick," she snapped back, still refusing to look me in the eye. "If this is what you needed so badly, then I regret opening the door. Go home, Edward. I have paperwork I need to do." She started to close the door, but I stopped her, shoving my foot out before it could shut.

"You weren't sick. We both know that. I've seen you sick. You're always here."

"Well, I knew you could handle it."

"You knew I could handle it?" I laughed bitterly, watching her face for any sign of emotion. "You don't think I can handle anything. Not even myself, right?"

"I don't know why you're picking a fight with me. Go home."

"Would you fucking look at me?" I finally exploded, slamming my hand into the door frame. Her refusal to respond to anything was only making me more and more angry. "Would you fucking say something besides whatever carefully rehearsed lines you've got in your head? What the fuck is going on here, Bella? And why the fuck are you wearing a mini-skirt and my fucking T-shirt, but you won't touch me or even fucking look at me?"

Something flickered in her face, but her eyes never left the wall. "Go home," she said again, slowly, carefully, like it was taking a tremendous effort to form the words. "Just go."

"You know, I got a visit from Rosalie yesterday," I began, trying a new tactic. Bella was fighting me, but she wasn't fighting hard. I knew there had to be a way to get through to her. "And according to her, I need to get you to talk to me. But see, I told her I've tried. And you just...well you do whatever it is that you're doing right now. It's fucking maddening, Bella. Did you even listen to the voicemails I left you last night?"

No answer, just more carefully studying of the wall.

"Fine," I snapped, throwing up my hands. I could only take so much. "Fine, Bella, lock yourself up in your head. Don't fucking let me in. Don't fucking tell me anything. And when you can't sleep tonight, you can blame yourself."

I turned away, heading back to the bar to grab my sweatshirt and make my escape. I was shaking with rage and hurt, terrified of what I had just done. Bella was the best thing that had ever happened to me, but she was breaking my heart. I couldn't just stand there and watch her grind it into the floor anymore.

"No, Edward, I _am_ going to blame you," she called after me. Her voice shook with anger, and when I glanced over my shoulder, she was following me. The blank look was gone, and instead her cheeks were pink with rage. "I'm going to blame you for being such an asshole. I'm going to blame you for telling Rosalie all the things you did, and making me think, for a minute, that I could be with you. I'm doing what I have to do to protect myself, and protect this bar. Who the fuck do you think you are, showing up hours late today? This is a business. I don't give a shit that you're mad at me. You should have fucking been here on time."

"Oh, like you were yesterday?" I snapped back, turning to face her. I hadn't even made it out from behind the bar.

"This is _my_ bar."

"You're a hypocrite."

"I'm a hypocrite?" She laughed humorlessly, and her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Try this one on then, Edward. You're fired. I don't ever want you in this bar again."

_You have got to be fucking kidding me. New low, Bella, new low. _

I started at her, snickering before I replied, "You're firing me? That's rich. You realize you're firing me while you're wearing my fucking T-shirt, right? And because I was late, even though yesterday you ditched because you were mad at me."

Bella let out a strangled cry, her face nearly purple with rage. She whipped the shirt off, throwing it in my face. Her chest was heaving with angry breaths as she glared at me, pointing at the door. "Now take your god damn shirt, and get the fuck out."

I stared. I couldn't help myself. Bella had on a black lace-trimmed bra beneath the T-shirt, and the fabric shone against her pale skin. The sight of her exposed skin drove me mad, and I fought my hormones to keep from just grabbing her right there. It didn't matter how angry I was; the lust won every time. _Bella _won.

"No," I said after a moment, dropping the shirt onto the bar. I bit the inside of my cheek, fighting for clarity. I was tired of her avoiding the subject, and I refused to let my body's reaction get the best of me. "I'm not. You owe me some answers," I told her, trying to sound firm. The words scraped through my mouth like sandpaper. I took a deep breath, inhaling slowly as Bella's features twisted into a sneer.

"I owe you nothing."

"Did you listen to that fucking voicemail? Any of them?"

"Yes."

"And? Nothing? You have nothing at all to say?"

"I think it's awfully funny that Rose comes to see you, and all of a sudden you're leaving me messages about needing me. You've never once told me that, Edward. How the hell do I know you're not just following directions? You've, in fact, never told me one god damn thing about how you feel about any of this. You've never once given me the impression that I'm anything more than a replacement for that slut Jessica. And I'm done. I'm done trying with you, and I'm done waiting to get my heart broken. I've spent years protecting myself, and I was stupid to think that maybe I was wrong about you." She took a deep breath, pointing at the door again, her eyes squeezing shut. "Now get out."

"You're trying?" I glared at her, closing the distance between us in two long strides. I was so angry I wanted to reach out and shake her. The rage and lust assaulted me, making my body hum with tension. "Bella, you don't let me touch you. I tried to be romantic with you, and you had a complete meltdown. You don't want to have sex, but you parade around here in tighter, skimpier clothes each day. Like right now, standing here in this." I stopped speaking, gesturing wildly to her short skirt and lacy bra, before continuing, "But god forbid I try and get you shirtless in bed."

"Romantic! Bitching at me that we're not having sex is _romantic_?" she snapped back, but crossed her arms over her chest defensively. Her cheeks flushed deeply, the blush extending all the way to the tips of her ears.

"I wasn't talking about that! I was talking about the night I quoted the poem to you. You flipped out. You tried to leave. You tried to shut me out. It was the closest I'd ever come to telling you how I felt about you, and you shut me down!"

"I can't do this!" she shouted back at me, shoving against my chest and moving around me. Her shoulders shook as spun back around, her arms crossed over her chest protectively. "Just get out! _Out_!"

"Well, you have to do this." I followed after her, forcing her to backpedal until her bare back was pressed to the bar. I stood as close to her as I dared, reaching out to grab her chin and force her to look at me. "I want you, Bella. I'm not going to lie to you, and you're not stupid. You know what you do to me. You've known. And I can respect that you're not ready, but tell me what the fuck you're doing dressing the way you are."

"Did you want me to start dressing like a nun just because I sleep next to you without fucking you?" she snapped, pushing against me again. I refused to move, keeping my grip on her tight. She slapped the hand away holding her chin, and I moved my hands to her shoulders, determined to keep her close. "I just wanted to look a little nicer! For you! I didn't realize I was only allowed to care about that if we were fucking!"

"You've been torturing me, for weeks, and it didn't even occur to you?"

"No! No, I didn't think it was such a big fucking deal that we weren't fucking! What happened to your whole speech about needing me, Edward? Is it me? Or is it just a pair of legs to spread that you're looking for?" she asked nastily. I remembered her long-ago accusations about Jessica, and just wanting a warm body next to me while I slept. It infuriated me all over again.

"I want _you_," I growled, pulling her flush against me with a sharp tug. I was torn between being in a full-blown rage, and being incredibly turned on, but instead of my body picking one, the two seemed to egg each other on. Bella was backed up against the bar, shirtless in her skirt and sneakers, and well, it was dangerously close to a fantasy I'd had for years, despite how angry she'd made me. I didn't stop to think; I just acted, my hands moving of their own to volition to Bella's ass as I lifted her onto the bar, my mouth instantly on hers.

I half-expected her to push me away, but she didn't. She returned the kiss with the same urgency, her fingers curling into my hair so tightly it hurt. But I didn't care. I shoved her legs apart, pulling her to the very edge of the bar, and pressing my hardness to her pelvis. Her legs tightened around me, and she bit down on my bottom lip, yanking it with her as she pulled away.

She broke away panting, releasing my lip while her hands went for my jeans. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I should stop her; we were in the middle of an argument, and all of a sudden there was lust in Bella's eyes too. It spelled trouble. I knew that letting the lust win could only end poorly, but I was too turned on to care. Our fighting could wait. Bella was sitting on the bar, half-naked, and seemingly all too eager for me. The fight, the turmoil, all of it be damned.

"Take off your shirt," she demanded, pulling me closer by my belt. I stripped the beer-soaked T-shirt off, pressing closer to her warm breasts as she tugged the belt free of my pants. She popped the button, and I kicked them off as they fell, frantically reaching for Bella, pushing her skirt up her hips. I let my hands slide back down the inside of her soft thighs, kissing her hungrily and not even caring as I moaned into her mouth. My hands ran back up the outside of her thighs, under her skirt, grasping at the edge of her panties and tugging on them.

She started to scoot back on the bar to help me, but I growled, freeing one hand to pull her back. "No," I told her, speaking into her ear as I licked at her neck, nipping lightly as I went. She shivered, her hands dipping below my boxers to squeeze my ass as I lowered my mouth to her shoulder, biting the tender flesh while I pushed her panties out of the way. With one hand cupping the back of her neck as I returned my mouth to hers, I let the other snake between her thighs.

There was no longer a debate as to whether she was as turned on as I was.

A whimper escaped her lips as I teased her, running one finger lightly around her slick entrance. I wanted to draw it out, tease her until she was nearly crazy with lust, but I couldn't wait; I had waited long enough already.

Refusing to move her legs from around my hips, I gave her panties one firm yank, thrilled to hear the telltale rip of fabric. Bella didn't seem to notice or care; as I discarded her ruined underwear, she shoved my boxers down, wrapping one hand around me as the other went to my hip, pulling me closer. The sudden sensation of her touch made my body jerk as if it had been electrified, and I shoved roughly at her hand, pushing her away. I was too worked up to have her touching me; I knew it was all going to be over quickly, and I didn't want it to be in Bella's hand.

She opened her mouth to protest, but I didn't give her the chance. In one swift move, I grabbed her hips and yanked her toward me, filling her completely in one sharp thrust. I had imagined the moment over and over again, and I'd imagined taking my time with her, but I couldn't. I'd admitted to needing Bella, and in that moment, I _needed _to feel her around me.

The sensation of the tight warmth of her body squeezing me was enough to make me momentarily dizzy. Bella brought me back to the present as she moaned, wrapping her legs tightly around my waist as I thrust into her, hard. She didn't seem to mind, a breathy moan escaping her lips as she threw her head back.

There was nothing soft or gentle about it. I'd fantasized about making love to Bella, but this wasn't anything like that; this was me fucking her with pure unforgiving lust. Her nails dug into my back, and I groaned, nipping at her lips while tangling my hands in her hair. "Fuck, Bella," I muttered, the tightening in my stomach starting already. I wrapped one arm around her waist, and pulled her full weight off the bar and onto me with a firm grasp on her hip. Stumbling backwards until I hit the counter, I turned to rest Bella's weight. The counter was lower than the bar, and had more room. I needed to feel more of her, needed to have all of her body. I wanted to see her naked breasts, and I wanted to taste her skin.

"Don't you even think about quitting so soon on me," Bella threatened, grabbing my hips to keep me buried deeply within her as I began to try to pull away. I had no intention of stopping, but I wanted to get up on the counter with her. "You think you're the only one who's wanted this?" She unwrapped her legs from me, and I reached for her again in protest, but she pushed me back. "Get up on the bar," she ordered, shoving against my chest. We were both panting, and her eyes were wild. The order sent a rush through me, and I quickly complied, pulling her up after me. Without another word, she pushed me back until I was lying on the bar, and then straddled me, her skirt still bunched up around her waist. She sank back down on my aching cock without hesitation, her hands running up my chest.

Pushing my hips up into hers as she rode me, I watched her breasts bounce in the black bra and wanted, no, _needed_ to see them in all their glory. I sat up, unclasping the bra and letting it drop to the floor before taking one of her nipples into my mouth. I sucked and teased, not missing how uneven Bella's previously steady rhythm on me had become. Her hands threaded into my hair, and as I bit down lightly on her sensitive skin, she yanked sharply, pulling me back.

Her mouth was on mine again, frenzied as we kissed. She rode me harder, her moans unsuppressed as her lips assaulted mine and her hips slammed against me. I couldn't take it anymore, and I reached between us, sliding one finger across the bundle of nerves between her legs. Barely keeping myself under control, I rubbed at her clit roughly until she was gasping above me, her moans low and throaty. As I heard her breath catch in her throat, I finally let go, my release rocking through me.

I fell back against the bar, pulling her down with me. We were both panting, gasping for air and covered in a sheen of sweat.

_Where the fuck did that come from? _I wondered, both of my arms still wrapped tightly around Bella's body, holding her against me. I was still inside her, and I refused to move for the moment. Now that the high of my orgasm had worn off, dread was welling in my stomach. Why had Bella just allowed that to happen? Why had she been refusing me for so long, when she had apparently wanted sex as badly as I had? And how badly had I just ruined things between us by allowing a moment of weakness? Especially when Bella had obviously been so vulnerable?

_What happened to doing things right with her?_ I berated myself, suddenly disgusted by my behavior. Sex with Bella had been amazing, but it had been raw and emotionless. Our mouths had savagely moved against one another, our hands grasping with desperation at each other, but it had all been over in less than ten minutes. As Bella slowly lifted her head up from where she had collapsed against my chest, dread seized the pit of my stomach, the enormity of what had just happened suddenly consuming me.

The same realizations seemed to hit Bella as she sat up, sliding off of me. Without a word, she got down from the bar, yanking her skirt into place. She got dressed with her back to me, and I hurried to pull my clothes back on. A storm was brewing, and I tensed with anxiety.

When she didn't move, I came up behind her, resting my hands lightly on her shoulders. "Bella," I began, brushing her hair back from her neck gently. I wanted her to come home with me; I wanted her to fall into my bed, and let me love her like I had meant to instead of fucking her on the bar. I wanted to prove to her with my body what I seemed incapable of just saying; I was in love with her, and I knew that what had just happened had been wrong. I had just wanted to show her how I felt, and instead had treated her like an object to be used.

"Don't." Her voice broke, and she took a step away from me. "Just go."

"Come home with me," I insisted. I reached for her again, pulling her to me and forcing her to turn around. "Bella...that...that wasn't...I didn't mean for that...I mean, I did, but not like that. Please."

Bella's eyes met mine, and they were wide and glassy. She looked like she was ready to fall into pieces at any moment, and without warning a sob ripped from her chest.

_My brain reeled as I saw the mighty walls rushing asunder – there was a long tumultuous shouting sound like the voice of a thousand waters – and the deep and dank tarn at my feet closed sullenly and silently over the fragments of the House of Usher._

"Bella?" I could hear the panic in my own voice as I held onto her, her shoulders shaking violently. I glanced around the empty bar, wishing all over again that we were in the comfort of my apartment. I wanted to carry Bella to bed, and hold her until whatever was going on with her was over. But instead, we were in the damned bar, the scent of stale liquor hanging in the air.

She pushed against my chest again, and I reluctantly took a step back, searching her eyes for answers. "_That_ was a mistake," she said slowly, her voice shaking. She was avoiding looking at me again. "I never should have...Edward, please, don't make this more difficult. You need to leave."

"I'm not leaving without you," I said stubbornly, reaching for her again. I knew from everything Rose had said, and everything that I had witnessed with Bella over the last few years, that she was hanging on by a thread. I couldn't leave her alone, especially not when it was mostly my fault she was in such a precarious emotional state. I had started it; I had put her up on the bar and kissed her.

_If only I had better self control. If only I could keep it in my pants. Why did she have to kiss me back? Why didn't she push me away, or slap me? What have I done?_

My thoughts whirled through my head, panic threatening to set in.

"I can't do this," she repeated, and I winced at the way her voice broke again. "You need to leave."

"I can't."

"Why not, Edward? Everyone leaves eventually." Her voice was filled with bitter loneliness, and my chest ached at the pain I heard buried in the words. Rosalie's words came back to me; she hadn't put it so bluntly, but there was something broken, buried deep inside of Bella. In that moment, it felt like she honestly believed there was a clock ticking down until l left her, and that broke something inside of me. The walls I had been so desperately clinging to fell, and the words slipped out effortlessly.

"I'm in love with you."

And there it was.

* * *

AN: Giant thanks to Bookgeek80 for putting up with me. Much love to PiedPiper for helping me sort out what was bothering me, and to LuluM for holding my hand on Gchat. Venis_envy is the newest edition to the pre-readers and she more than earned her keep on this chapter. You're all amazing.

I know everyone's been waiting for this chapter, so I hope it lived up to expectations! I promise answers on Bella's past are coming – as soon as she's ready to give those answers to Edward. I know I'm a jerk for the cliffe. Sorry all, had to happen.

Outtake from this fic is up for auction at http:/www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com/ I'm also auctioning off an outtake from "Two Forks" for those of you who read that. And in a moment of insanity, I've teamed up with Bookgeek80 and Bonnysammy (author of Lost Cause, go read it!) for, well, anything you want.

Forum thread at http:/www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=10123 – I posted a teaser for this chapter there, and I'll probably keep that up. I also love seeing everyone's theories, so keep it up! =D


	13. 13 Verona

Disclaimer: Edward doesn't belong to me, but I do own two of my very own auctions on FandomGivesBack. More on that below.

13. Verona

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Bella froze, like a wild animal suddenly blinded by headlights on a dark country road. As I waited for her to say something - anything - she didn't appear to even be breathing. The seconds ticked by, the silence weighing heavily in the dark bar.

"Bella?" I asked tentatively, squeezing her shoulders where I still held them. My heart was beating so loudly I was almost certain she could hear it in the quiet darkness.

"Are you kidding me?" she finally asked, her voice numb and emotionless. The words were harsh but the angry inflection was missing; it felt like she was just going through the motions of reacting.

I was about to open my mouth to shoot off a sarcastic retort, but stopped short. One good look at Bella's blank face told me that if there was ever a time for patience and self-restraint on my part, this was it. My pride ached at her reaction, but I swallowed the hurt. It wasn't as if I'd really thought the words would be repeated back to me, but I had expected _some_ kind of emotional response. The silence was unnerving.

"I'm not kidding," I said seriously, silently begging her to believe me. I gritted my teeth, fighting the sarcastic retort on my lips. "I think I've been in love with you since the first time we met. I was just too stupid to figure it out sooner."

"I see." She stared down at the floor, her feet absently shuffling together. Her sneakers were black, but I had an image of Dorothy clicking her ruby slippers together; Bella looked as though she would rather be anywhere but in the bar.

I waited for her to say something more, but nothing came. She remained stoically silent, complacent in my grasp while she watched her feet. I sighed heavily, releasing her and taking a step back.

"Please come home with me. I can't sleep without you. I need you. And I don't want you to be alone right now. I know you're upset." I fidgeted nervously, watching her for a reaction. She simply nodded, moving stiffly back toward the office. I watched from the hallway as she grabbed her jacket and purse, turning off the light.

We walked back to the apartment in silence. I grabbed her hand and wove our fingers together as we exited, hoping she would lean against me as she usually did. She didn't. She just let her fingers rest in mine, her eyes staring straight ahead as we walked.

With every step, my frustration with her silence came screaming back. My thoughts were racing between suffocating guilt and blood-boiling anger. I knew I had been the one to cross the line; my hands had grabbed her and shoved her onto the bar. My lips had kissed hers. I had started it.

_But why didn't she stop me? What the fuck is this all about?_ I wondered, sneaking sidelong glances at her as we walked toward the apartment. The bar was on a smaller side street, so we were relatively alone, the rush of cars from the avenue several streets over echoing between the lonely buildings. There were nights when I found the solitude comforting in a city so crowded, but that night it pressed in from all sides, making my heart race and my throat dry.

Bella followed me into the apartment, silently taking off her coat and throwing it over the back of the couch as she entered the living room. She walked like a zombie, one foot carefully in front of the other. It was painful to watch, and I winced with each step she took. Whatever was going on inside her head was locked up tight behind her dark brown eyes; she was looking through me again, as if I wasn't even there.

_What the fuck happened to her? _I wondered, following her into the living room. Her shoulders were slumped, and her movements had an aimless quality to them.

"Bella," I said gently, wrapping my arms around her waist and leaning down to kiss her shoulder. I half-expected her to stiffen in my arms, but she didn't. She just stood there.

"Bella," I tried again, hugging her more tightly to me, "C'mon, let's just go to bed. It's been a long day. We can talk in the morning."

She nodded silently, letting me lead her to the bedroom. She kicked off her sneakers and skirt, wordlessly accepting the gym shorts I offered her. I bit my tongue, telling myself to save the inevitable conversation for the morning. I silently hoped that with a good night's sleep, whatever defense mechanism she had obviously walled herself up into would be more accommodating.

I slid into bed, rolling onto my side to wrap my arms around Bella. She was just the same Bella as always; warm, and soft, with her body fitting against mine like it had been made just for me. But something was missing, and her numbness pervaded my senses.

_Let her be tonight_, I told myself sternly, closing my eyes and pressing my nose into her hair. _She came home with you. She's here. Let that be enough for right now. _

I knew I should have been sorry; sorry for fucking her on the bar, and sorry for blurting out those three little words at the most inopportune moment. But I wasn't.

The bar...the bar hadn't been my best idea, and as Bella lay still in my arms, I knew it had been a mistake. But I couldn't be sorry it had happened; it had been obvious in Bella's actions that she felt the same way I did. Her body couldn't lie in the same way her words did. I wished it had happened differently – I wished I had been more gentle with her, and that I hadn't crossed her cardinal rule about work and personal life. But I refused to regret it.

I regretted saying the words even less. There were better ways I could have said it; I could have tried to be romantic, instead of just blurting it out. _It can't all be Romeo and Juliet bullshit, Edward, _I told myself as I waited for sleep to take me. _It isn't always romantic and pretty. Relationships are hard, and sometimes they're ugly. Remember that. Remember that when Bella comes out of her daze and tears you a new one. _

Though my mind protested that _Romeo and Juliet_ wasn't just a romantic tale, but a tragedy, sleep finally took me as I breathed Bella's scent in.

I awoke to a cold bed and an empty room. It was still dark, and a bleary glance at the clock revealed I had only been asleep for a few hours. I had dreamt of Bella standing on a balcony, while I struggled to climb a castle wall to get to her. Each time I got closer to her, I would lose my grip and slide down the stones, only to start all over – a medieval Sisyphus. The dream had been filled with anxiety and desperation, and waking to find her missing made my heart race.

_That's what you get for thinking about stupid Romeo and stupid Juliet before you go to bed! _I chastised myself, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. Bella's sneakers were still where she had kicked them off on the other side of the room, so I at least knew she couldn't have gone far.

In spite of my efforts to forget the dream, Shakespeare's lines echoed through my head as I pulled on a clean T-shirt and went to look for Bella.

_I dream'd a dream to-night. _

_And so did I. _

_Well, what was yours? _

_That dreamers often lie. _

_See? Even Shakespeare knew dreams are crap._ I shook my head at myself as I made my way out to the living room, uncertain as to what I was about to find. It wasn't all that abnormal for Bella to be up in the middle of the night; I often awoke to find her in the kitchen, having a late-night snack, or on the couch watching one of the twenty-four hour news channels when she couldn't sleep. I could usually lure her back to bed with a fair amount of ease, but as I padded down the hallway, I knew tonight would be different.

Bella stood beside the open window, her hands cupped around a steaming mug. I noticed the box of tea out on the counter as I walked past the kitchen, and wondered where she had even found tea in my apartment. I paused before walking into the living room, studying her silhouette against the glass.

She had put on one of my sweatshirts, and she stood with her legs evenly spaced; it almost looked as if she were bracing herself against an unknown assailant. Her shoulders sagged, the bulky sweatshirt swimming around her slight frame. Her hair fell messily around her shoulders, the tangles evident even from where I stood. She didn't move, even as I began to approach her with purposefully heavy footsteps.

"Hey," I said quietly, coming up behind her and tentatively placing my hands on her shoulders. When she didn't resist my touch or push me away, I lowered my arms to her waist, leaning down to rest my chin on her shoulder. "Come back to bed?"

"I can't sleep."

I sighed, hugged her body against mine. "Bella..."

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't...just don't. Whatever it is you're about to say, about...earlier. Just don't."

I remained silent for a long moment, staring out the window at the dark street below with her. I knew I was going to ignore her, and I knew I was going to bring the topic up. But for one long moment, I wanted to just hold her, and relish the fact that she was letting me. The silence of the apartment settled around us, and for a long moment it felt like we were the only ones in the world.

"Why?" I finally asked, releasing my grip on her and standing up straight. I knew the word would cause her to push me away, and I couldn't handle the rejection. I had been putting myself out there a lot over the course of the night, and there was only so much of Bella's negative response I could take.

"Because I don't want to talk about it."

"I know." I took a deep breath, wishing she would turn around and look me in the eye. I didn't want to talk about it either; I wanted to curl up in bed together and pretend that when I'd said "I love you" she'd said it back. But she hadn't. And we needed to talk. "But we have to. What happened in the bar..."

"Was a mistake," she said sharply, cutting me off. "Edward, I came back here with you because...well, I don't know why I agreed, okay? But that can't happen again. It was...wrong. I'm your boss."

"You are? Because I thought you fired me."

"You know I didn't mean that."

"I have a really hard time knowing what you actually mean these days."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you're the queen of mixed signals!" I took a step away from her as she finally turned to face me, her eyes flashing with anger and indignation. I held my hands up defensively, taking a deep breath to collect my thoughts. I had to keep barreling forward before Bella cut me off again.

"Bella, you have to know the way you're acting has been completely backwards, okay? You're standing here, telling me that we can't be together, but you've spent nearly all of the last month sleeping here. You were _fine_ until Rose called me your boyfriend. And then last night...last night...I shouldn't have started that, okay? I know I shouldn't have. But you didn't say no, Bella. You didn't stop me. You didn't ask me to stop. And you...well it was sort of obvious that you...you wanted that, as much as I did. Not that way, I know. I didn't want it that way either. But it happened, and I'm not sorry it did. I'm sorry for the way it did. But not..."

I was rambling, and I knew it. I kept waiting for Bella to say something, to stop the word vomit that just kept spewing from my mouth, but she said nothing. She only watched me from behind narrowed eyes, her knuckles turning white where she gripped the coffee mug.

"Rose, huh?" she asked snidely. "So it's 'Rose' now? You had one little heart-to-heart with her, and now she's 'Rose'? Want to fuck her on the bar too?"

I gaped at her, completely dumbfounded. For a moment, I was too shocked to respond. And then my temper got the better of me. "Just fucking stop! I'm in love with _you_, Bella! I said it in the bar, and I'm going to keep saying it until you fucking listen to me. Talk to me! Stop fucking pushing me away! Stop fucking acting like it's my goal in life to hurt you! It's not! I want you to be happy, god dammit. I want you to be happy, and I want you to be happy _with me_." I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and clasping my hands tightly behind my head. I squeezed my fingers together, fighting the urge to hit something. I felt like a broken record, telling her over and over again how I felt. _It'll sink in eventually, right?_

"Bella," I started again, trying to keep my voice calmer. "You told me a while ago that you needed time. I've given you time. I can't give you anymore. I'm tired of trying to hold myself back, and trying to predict if you're going to be in a good mood or get all...You need to tell me what's going on. Tell me what's causing this. I don't believe that you don't care about me. It's something else. _Tell me_."

"I can't," she whispered after a lengthy pause, staring down into her mug of tea. Her knuckles were still white.

"Why not?"

"Because then there's no going back."

The pain and fear in her voice nearly broke my heart. I closed the distance between us, gently taking the cup from her hands and setting it down on an end table. "Bella," I murmured in her ear as I pulled her into my arms, "Bella, please. I would never hurt you. I don't ever want to leave you. I want a life with you. I want you to meet my sister. Hell, I want you to come out to California with me for her graduation. I _need_ you by my side when I face my family. I need...I want...I want so much more. Please, Bella, just...just tell me." I drew in a deep breath, hoping that the plea would finally break through to her.

"I..." Her voice broke and her body sagged against me. Her arms tightened around my neck, and I felt my shirt grow damp where she had pressed her cheek to my chest. Tucking her against me, I lifted her and walked back to the couch, settling down with her still on my lap. I couldn't let go.

"I don't know where to start," she mumbled into my chest, keeping her face hidden. She sounded weary and broken.

"What happened to your mom?" I asked gently, running my free hand through her hair. She had always relaxed under my touch previously, and I hoped that tonight the action would have the same effect. I wrapped my arms around her, hoping it would be enough to hold her together while she spoke.

"She...she was murdered," Bella said after a lengthy pause. Her voice was so quiet I wasn't quite sure I'd heard her right, until I felt the renewed dampness of my shirt. "When I was twelve. It was...awful. I...my father...he was a mess. I watched him basically have a nervous breakdown. Watching your father cry...it kills something in you, Edward. Charlie...Charlie's done the best he could. But I...I took care of us, both of us. I had to."

My heart tightened in my chest as she spoke; her voice ached of loss. I couldn't imagine what she had been through; it had been bad enough, knowing that she had lost her mom at such a young age, but murdered? I thought of my own mother, and promised myself once again to make it right with her.

"Bella...I can't imagine...I'm so sorry," I whispered, leaning down to kiss her forehead. I ran my thumb along her cheek, wiping away the silent tears still falling. I hated to see her upset to begin with, but the tears were worse; I couldn't remember ever seeing her cry before.

"I don't want anyone's pity," she replied, a hint of irritation flaring up in her voice.

"I'm not pitying you." I leaned back, trying to look her in the eye. "I'm trying to understand. I didn't grow up that way. I can't imagine growing up the way you did, because I always had Alice. And my parents are both loving people who were always there for me." I took a deep breath, trying to ignore the sting of my family's current state. I had never told Bella much about my family, and I felt guilty admitting how good I'd had it as a child in light of her upbringing. "I get that you've taken care of yourself all these years. And I'm glad you told me, because now I sort of get where you're coming from. But I _want_ to take care of you, Bella. You're not a superhero."

"You make it sound like Charlie wasn't there for me. He was there enough. I don't need anyone to take care of me."

I swallowed my frustration at her retort. I could feel her resistance crumbling; I knew if I could just hold out a little longer, Bella would finally, _finally_, let her walls down a bit. "I know you don't. I'm not saying you do. I'm just saying...let me be there for you. Let me do something for you other than change out the kegs at the bar."

"And what exactly is it that you think you can do for me?"

I chuckled quietly, running my fingertips down her back and around her waist. She shivered under my touch, pressing her cheek to my chest again. I took it as a sign that things were heading in the right direction. "Just little things," I began, a grin working its way across my face. "You never let me cook for you."

"You burn everything!" she protested, but there was a hint of a smile behind the words. The comment had had the intended effect, and she relaxed slightly in my arms. It was different from the limp resistance I had felt since we had climbed off the bar; this felt like it had before, like her body _wanted_ to be pressed to mine. "I'm better at it."

I laughed in spite of myself. "Okay, bad example. You're definitely a much better cook." I sighed, brushing the hair back that had fallen across her forehead. "But...you don't always have to be the one running the show, okay? I've never tried some things because I think you would push me away." I took a deep breath, steeling myself for the next confession. "When you push me away, even over stupid shit, it's like you don't want me. It _hurts, _Bella."

"I've always wanted you." Her voice was still quiet, but the words were fierce. She sat up more in my arms, turning to finally look at me. Her eyes were puffy and glassy, but the tiniest smile graced her lips. "It's...scary, how much I want you."

"Then why the hot and cold?" It wasn't an accusation; I was genuinely curious.

"I don't know what the hell I'm doing, Edward. If it seemed like I was doing that, I'm sorry. It wasn't on purpose. You make me...I'm all over the place when it comes to you. And the clothes...I didn't mean it, like that. I mean, I wanted to look nicer, but I guess it just didn't occur to me...I didn't mean it like _that_." She sighed, leaning her cheek down to my shoulder, tucking her legs up against my chest. She was still wearing the shorts I had given her earlier, and her creamy legs shone in the dim light. "I...I don't know why what Rose said set me off like that, in the bar. That word...it's just...weighted. Sort of like the other thing that you said."

"That I love you?"

She nodded without sitting up to look at me. "The...the last person who said that to me...who had that title...it, um, well he didn't...he wasn't who I thought he was. But I didn't know that until it was too late." Her voice was coated in guilt, which I didn't understand at all.

_How can she feel guilty for falling in love with someone? It sounds like he didn't even deserve her to begin with. _He _should feel guilty. I'm going to find this guy. I'm going to find him, and I'm going to make sure he knows he never deserved her. _He _must be the reason she's so terrified of being loved. _

"I'm not that guy. Whatever he said or did, I'm not him."

"I haven't had a boyfriend since. I'm...not good at this."

"Practice makes perfect," I said lightly, running my fingers down her back in an attempt to be soothing.

"I don't know if I'm capable of falling in love again."

"I don't believe that." I wrapped both arms tightly around her, pulling her body as close to mine as I could. "Your heart is too pure for you to not be able to fall in love. You're gentle with me, Bella, sometimes, when you let go and you're just you. Like when I fell into the stupid coffee table. You took care of me. I wish you could have seen yourself, fussing and worrying like you did."

"I...that storm...being here, with you. I knew it was too late, then."

"Too late?"

"To protect myself from you." She pushed back from my chest, lowering her legs. She took a deep breath before raising her eyes to mine. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being mixed signals girl. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about any of this when you asked a month ago. I'm sorry I made you feel like I don't want you, because I _do_ want you, Edward. I couldn't sleep without you the last few nights, and tonight, tonight I thought maybe after...the bar...I could finally get you out of my system. But I can't. I need you." The last words came out as a whisper, but her gaze held steady.

I leaned forward tentatively, pressing my mouth lightly to hers. Her arms wound around my neck, one hand in my hair as I pressed chaste kisses across her jaw and down her neck. When our mouths came back together, it was slow and sensuous, and everything that it should have been last night.

"I could kiss you for hours," I whispered as I pulled away, cupping her face in my palms. "The bar...Bella...I want to take you to bed, and make love to you. I want to _show _you how I feel about you, because I still don't think you believe the words. My body, my heart, my soul...they all belong to you now. And I give them freely." This time, I didn't feel like I was trying to make her believe the words; this time, I felt like when I said them, Bella was really listening. The words slipped out effortlessly. "With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls; For stony limits cannot hold love out," I said quietly, holding her stare. I waited for the usual embarrassed flush to burn across my cheeks, but it never came. Bella was another story.

"You really know how to make a girl blush," she answered with her cheeks glowing, her voice husky. She giggled quietly, nuzzling my neck as she leaned forward again. The shift in her mood was noticeable, and I was happier than ever that I had cornered her into talking to me. It was obvious she had bottled it all up for far too long – her mom, her ex, her feelings toward me – but once it was out, Bella was different. After her all-encompassing numbness, she felt alive in my arms once again.

Bella shifted on my lap, her knees settling on either side of my hips. With one hand tangled in her hair and the other on the small of her back, I kissed her slowly. Her hands were warm as she traced the line of my jaw, her nails scratching lightly on my scalp as she ran her fingers through my hair.

I ran my fingers up under her shirt, lightly exploring the soft skin of her back. She sighed contentedly against my lips, shifting her weight to lean against me more. I broke our kiss, pulling Bella to me as I feathered lighter kisses along her neck, pushing the over-sized sweatshirt out of my way to kiss her shoulder. I breathed deeply, the intoxicating smell of her skin and hair filling my senses.

With a final kiss just below her ear, I pulled back, running my other hand up under her shirt to press her against me. I closed my eyes, letting my head fall back against the couch as Bella snuggled closer.

"You don't have to stop," she said quietly, her words muffled by my shoulder.

"I do." I took a deep breath, sliding my hands out from under her clothes and instead wrapping my arms tightly around her. "I don't want...I always want you, Bella. But what happened earlier..." I trailed off, swallowing against the lump in my throat. "I need you to know that how I feel about you...it's so much more than that."

She was silent for a long time, but I could feel my shirt growing damp again where her cheek was pressed to my shoulder.

"Bella?" I could feel the panic rising, my heart beginning to race._ What did I say this time? Why is she crying? I thought...no more tears, god, please no more tears..._

"I..." She sniffled, pulling away from me as she sat up. She offered me a watery smile, her eyes darting around the room before settling on mine. "No one's...you're...after everything that's gone on with us, and who I thought you were...I was wrong," she whispered, brushing at the tears still falling. "I wish I could say it back to you, and I wish I could feel it. I can't. But I_ want to_, for the first time since...for the first time in years." She took a shaky breath, one hand on my shoulder, the other resting lightly on my cheek. "I'm glad you fight me so hard. I can be really stubborn sometimes."

"Stubborn?" I laughed lightly, reaching for her hands and twining our fingers together. "I can't imagine that..."

She laughed quietly, but she grew serious again as her eyes met mine. Her expression morphed, a hint of fear making her jaw tense and her eyes dart about the room. "I need to ask you something," she said quietly, all trace of humor gone. "About before. It's been bothering me."

"Okay," I agreed warily, flashes of Bella's numb expression as she slid off the bar flicking through my mind. I fought the urge to stiffen at her statement; Bella was still on my lap, and would feel any movement I made. She was already skittish enough, and though we had made progress, it seemed any negative response would send her back behind her protective walls.

"I need to know why you stayed with Jessica as long as you did, if you felt this way about me the entire time. I've been trying to understand, Edward, and Rose, well, she tried to explain to me any myriad of reasons you may have had, but I need to hear it from you. I can't...you can't imagine how it felt, when she came into the bar, and you would just do her bidding. And how it felt _knowing_ what you were doing with her when you'd take a break, or _watching _in my bar, _on_ my bar..."

"Bella," I cut in, squeezing her fingers with mine. I was half-relieved that she hadn'tmeant the bar; I wanted to put that behind us. But her voice was growing increasingly hysterical, and she was beginning to ramble. Though the topic was different that what I'd imagined, I was still deathly afraid that she would lapse back into the numb, hurt state she had entered the apartment in. I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for awful truth of it. I had known Bella would bring my history with Jessica up at some point or another, and I knew it was better to get it out in the open, but my stomach clenched in knots at the thought of saying it all aloud.

"I stayed because it was easy. At one time, we were together for the right reasons, and we cared about each other, but by the end...it was just easier to stay together than break up. You were right, that night you came over here in the storm. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted you, God, how I wanted you, but I never in a million years thought you felt the same way about me. It was easier to stay with her than it was to take a chance on you. I'm not proud, Bella. Staying with her all those years, knowing how badly that hurt you...it was a mistake. A mistake I know cost me a big chunk of whatever trust you have to give, and I'm sorry. There's a lot from the last few years I'm not proud of, but I want...I want to change."

Bella's fingers squeezed mine back, and she smiled. "You already have," she told me, leaning forward to brush her lips lightly against mine. She sighed and slid off my lap, pulling me to my feet with her. "I'm...really glad you made me talk about this, Edward. I feel...closer to you. There's probably a lot more we should talk about, but I finally feel like maybe this _can_ work." She looked down at the floor, but snuck a glance at me as I stood to face her, wrapping my arms around her.

"Of course it can," I whispered in her ear, starting to walk backwards in the direction of my bedroom, pulling her lightly along with me. "I _know_ it can."

"Well in that case..." She giggled as I stumbled over my feet, her body falling with mine against the wall. I looked down into her eyes, relieved to see them clear and happy. She broke the stare, nuzzling against my chest and sighing in happiness. "I'm sleepy. Can we go to bed now?"

I leaned forward, scooping her into my arms and starting for the bedroom. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and surprisingly, didn't fight me when I didn't bother to put her down as I carried her down the hall. I set her on the bed, turning to the windows to pull the shades down and make sure the curtains were tightly closed. I hadn't bothered with them the last few nights, but I definitely wanted to sleep in the next morning.

Squinting in the darkness, I found my way back to bed, stripping off my T-shirt as I went. Bella instantly curled up around me, one leg slung across mine as she got comfortable. Her fingers found mine, squeezing as she wove them together. I sighed happily, the soft skin of her cheek resting on my chest as we both grew still. I drifted off to sleep in a state of drowsy contentment, knowing, for the first time, that Bella would definitely still be there when I woke up. I'd worry about everything else another day.

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AN: So even though she had a shit week in RL, Bookgeek80 still pulled through with this chapter. Love that girl. Many thanks to the pre-readers: PiedPiper, LuluM, & venis-envy. You three let me make this story better and better.

Edward is quoting from Romeo and Juliet.

Fandom Gives Back auctions open tonight! A team has formed for the RC outtake I'm offering. Please email

nn(dot)venisgmail(dot)com if you'd like to be a part of the team. A lot of you have commented in reviews, wondering wtf is going on in Bella's head through a lot of this – here's your chance to find out!


	14. 14 Morning Light

Disclaimer: I don't own Edward or Bella, but I do like to make them do my bidding.

"Roman Candle" started as a project for me in getting outside of my box, and this chapter is the further I've gotten from my usual tone/style. I'd love your opinion.

14. Morning Light

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I woke earlier than I wanted to in spite of my intentions to sleep the morning away. Bella, surprisingly, was still sleeping. My hand had gone numb during the night, but I didn't mind – because Bella's fingers were still looped through mine. We had slept the night with our bodies pressed together. My arms ached from not moving, and I was uncomfortably warm under the quilt, but I didn't care. I had Bella in my bed. I had slept, the entire night, with Bella in my arms. It was worth any measure of discomfort.

Struggling not to wake her, I shifted my weight, trying to alleviate the tingling sensation running through my arm. Bella stirred and I cursed under my breath. She looked too peaceful to wake, but I had done it anyway.

"Good morning to you too," she muttered, a laugh in her groggy voice. She stirred slightly, pressing herself more tightly to me. "Not exactly the sort of fuck I'd like to wake up to, but okay..."

I flushed deeply, trying to pull away from her. She rubbed against me, completely aware of my morning wood and most unsympathetic. I suppressed a moan, wanting to grab her and press myself against her, but I couldn't – not after what had happened in the bar. I was going to do my best to leave it up to Bella when we got physical again, regardless of what I wanted.

With a groan, I pulled further back from her, grabbing her shoulder and pushing her away from me, down onto the mattress. I may not have been willing to initiate sex, but I couldn't handle her rubbing up against me. It was going to cause me to lose what little self control I had. But then our eyes met, and she giggled.

Bella giggled.

"What?" she asked as I stared, her voice becoming slightly defensive. Her lower lip jutted out in a pout, and I wanted to lean down and capture it with my own. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Just wondering what's gotten into you," I teased, leaning over her to brush her hair back from her face. Bella's lightness was welcome, but shocking to my expectations. "You're...different this morning."

She shrugged, reaching her arms up to loop them around my neck. "I've stopped fighting myself."

"Fighting yourself?"

"Yep." She popped the 'p' with a devilish look glimmering in her eyes. "I've been trying so hard to keep myself from you. I should have figured it out a long time ago, that it was too late. Last night just made it unavoidable. So. No more hiding."

"None?" I tried to hide the hopeful lilt to my voice, lest she detect it and close up again, but I felt my heart beat faster. The thought of Bella being open with me, honest, finally revealing herself completely, it made my entire body ache.

"Nope." She popped the 'p' again, giggling all the while. It was hard to miss the nervous edge to her laughter. "I'm happy, Edward. Too bad your boss is such a hard ass. It would be nice to stay right here with you all day."

I chuckled, settling my weight on her and dropping a kiss on her shoulder. I couldn't help myself; I needed to be close to her. Her playful demeanor wasn't helping my urge to keep her in bed for the entire day; Bella's lightness was a bigger turn-on than the highest heels or tightest pair of jeans I had seen her in. "Yeah, she gets really mad when I'm late. You should see it. Kind of sexy, actually, when she's mad."

Bella narrowed her eyes, her lips twitching. I could tell she was fighting the urge to laugh. "Is she now?"

"Yes." I leaned forward, brushing my lips against her collarbones as I worked my way up her body. She sighed contentedly under my attention, sinking further into the pillows.

"We should get up," she said quietly as I began to kiss her neck, my thumb rubbing her hip beneath the blankets. Her tone was unconvincing. "That boss of yours will kill us both if the bar doesn't get opened on time."

"I might be able to convince her otherwise," I teased back, reaching forward to lightly nip her earlobe. I wasn't ready to get out of bed and go back to the bar just yet, and it seemed clear to me that Bella wasn't either.

"Edward." She wasn't kidding around anymore. I pulled back, and she offered me a tiny smile. "We should probably talk about this anyway."

"I'll behave," I grumbled, rolling over and forcing myself into a sitting position. I sighed, looking down at her where she still lay nestled into the pillows. There was no way I was going to be able to maintain control over myself if I held her in my arms; seeing her dark hair strewn across the pillows was making it difficult enough. "In all seriousness, I promise that I won't act the way I did last night ever again. I know what the bar means to you."

"Well I don't know about 'ever again'. How about just not in the bar?" There was a mischievous glint in her eyes. "I mean, I need to bleach the bar before the health inspector pulls my license, but...it was kind of hot."

I gaped. "Hot?" I repeated, staring at her in bewilderment. Of all the words I'd have used to describe the night before, hot was far down the list. "Bella, I'm pretty ashamed of the way I behaved last night. You deserve better."

She pulled herself up into a sitting position beside me, one hand on my shoulder. Her hair tumbled down over her shoulders, and I instinctively reached out to push it out of her eyes. Our gazes met, and I lost myself in the depth of her eyes.

"Last night," she finally began, her voice quiet, "last night could have been handled better. By both of us. But I'm not sorry it happened. I needed that push." The grin came back, and her eyes brightened. "And yeah, it was kind of hot. You've never really put your foot down like that before with me. It was...nice." She bit her lip, and for a moment lust surged through me.

But I couldn't help but laugh. "You're sort of scary when you're mad," I protested, ducking as she took a playful swat at me. Few women had ever made me nervous the way Bella did.

"I thought I was sexy when I'm mad."

"Yeah, that too. But you get this look on your face, like you want to kill me."

"Rose had taught me how to give good bitch-face by the time we were in middle school," she replied, laughing. "She really likes you, by the way. She was rather vocal about it when she was here."

"So she tore you a new one too?"

"Oh yeah." Bella bit down on her lip, staring at her hands in her lap. My heart ached as I thought about what she might have endured at the hands of her friend. Rosalie certainly hadn't held back with me, and I doubted she would have sugar-coated for Bella. "She came over that night after she talked to you at the bar. Told me I was stupid not to realize you were in love with me." Bella took a deep breath, raising her gaze to mine. A myriad of emotions pooled in her eyes, apprehension mingled with tentative happiness. "I told her I had realized, but that it was a bad idea. She argued with me most of the night."

"Why?" I asked, bewildered. I was glad it had happened, but I had barely spent any time with Rosalie. What had made her care so much about me? What had made her take my side, over her friend's, on so little information?

"She said I was different around you, even the way I moved. She told me I was going to be alone my entire life if I didn't let someone in. She said it was obvious I have feelings for you. I avoided you last night because I knew she was right." The last part came out as a whisper.

"And I was late."

"And you were really late," she agreed, her voice returning to normal. "You can't do that again. We're probably going to fight. That's what couples do, right?"

"So we're officially a couple?" I was both ecstatic that she had declared us a couple, and instantly on edge that she had stated, so assuredly, that we were bound to fight. Why did unhappiness have to be a guaranteed part of our relationship? I couldn't help but frown.

She nodded, gnawing on her lip. "Yes. This is hard for me, but I want to be with you. The title isn't important to me. I just want to spend time with you, fall asleep next to you, and wake up to find you next to me." She leveled her gaze at me, her tone growing increasingly serious. "But my point is, at the bar, I'm your boss. If this is going to work at all, you need to separate the two. "

"I'm not saying this to be a jerk, but I can't separate things into black and white the way you can. I want to be with you, Bella, and I can't act like I'm not in love with you. I respect what you're saying, and I'll keep my hands to myself at work, but I can't shut my feelings off." I strove to keep the frustration out of my voice, but found it next to impossible. There was a lot I was willing to give Bella, but I was tired of burying my feelings to appease her. I would compromise on a lot, but pretending not to be in love with her was too far.

"I'm not asking you to." It was almost as if she could tell I was reaching a breaking point, and I relaxed at her words. "I know how you feel about me, Edward. I've got my own feelings, and though you seem to think I can turn them off, I can't. We just need some boundaries at work. So no more ass-slapping, okay?" She raised one eyebrow at me, amusement coating her features though her eyes were dead serious.

I nodded, running my fingers through my hair, struggling to hide my relief as much as I had tried to hide my concern. By the clock on the nightstand, I saw it was close to eleven. Bella was usually at the bar by noon to start setting up before we opened.

Might as well get started on responsible me...

"Do you need to go home?" I asked, eyeing the clock. I wanted to fast forward through the weekend to Monday; the bar would be closed and hopefully, I would get Bella all to myself for the entire day. It was an entirely new reason to look forward to my day off.

"Yeah. Considering I only have a skirt here...and seem to have lost my underwear." She raised an eyebrow at me, a smile playing on her lips. "Wonder how that happened..."

I flushed deeply, remembering how I had ripped the thin material right from her. My blush only deepened when I realized I hadn't bothered to pick up the discarded fabric before leaving the bar. I hadn't seen Bella pick it up either.

Better make sure you take care of that the second you walk into the bar, I told myself sternly. Bella probably doesn't want to relive that entire scene, no matter what she said earlier about it being hot.

"Sorry," I muttered, too ashamed to look at her. I had never behaved that way with a woman before, giving in to the possessive side so thoroughly and letting it control me. I had behaved like an animal, not a man.

"Hey," she said gently, nudging my shoulder. "Don't be upset, okay? It was a joke."

I nodded, lost as to what to say. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "You should leave some clothes here."

I froze as soon as the words were out, worrying over her reaction. I had spoken without thinking; I just wanted to spend as much time with Bella as I could get.

"Maybe." I breathed a sigh of relief at the word, relaxing as it became apparent my slip wasn't going to set her off. I had told Bella exactly what I was thinking, without a filter, and she wasn't pushing me away.

Her next words stunned me.

"But I do sort of like having the excuse to wear your clothes," she admitted, her cheeks flaming. She refused to meet my gaze, her eyes once against focused on her hands in her lap.

"I sort of like seeing you in my clothes." I ran my fingers along her waist as I thought about her standing in the kitchen on past mornings. Wrapping an arm around her waist, I pulled her onto my lap, threading my fingers through her hair. I kissed her lightly, luxuriating in the relaxation of the morning.

My mood shifted quickly as Bella moved to straddle my hips, her knees sinking into the mattress. She pressed her body tightly to mine, her hands roaming across my bare chest. I couldn't help the groan that escaped my lips as she slid one hand below my waistband, her fingers curling around my hip. The relaxation I had felt was slipping, my body's desire quickly overtaking me.

"Bella." I struggled to keep my voice from coming out as a lustful growl.

"Just kiss me," she replied before pressing her lips against mine. I hesitated for only a moment before returning her kiss, wrapping her into my arms as I sank back into the pillows. I pressed her to me, running my hands up under her shirt, enjoying the unbroken expanse of her back. The shirt inched further and further up as we fell back.

Bella broke away, panting. I grinned up at her, her hair falling in waves around her flushed cheeks. She shot me a quick smile filled with mischief, sitting up and reaching for the bottom of her shirt.

"No." I stopped her, grabbing her hand as I offered a grin of my own. "Let me."

I held her gaze, slowing sliding the shirt up her flat stomach. Her breathing hitched as my fingers hit the sensitive spot on her waist, sliding up along the gentle curve. My fingers skimmed along her breasts, and I swallowed thickly as I realized she wasn't wearing anything beneath the shirt. I closed my eyes for a moment, sliding my hands up over her shoulders with the shirt in hand. As I threw it down to the floor, I opened my eyes, taking in the smooth expanse of her skin. "You're so beautiful," I said quietly, one hand tangled in her hair, the trailing down over the swell of her breasts.

She blushed deeply, leaning down to kiss me. Her kiss started gently, but soon we were holding onto each other tightly, racing heart to racing heart, as our mouths moved together. I couldn't get enough of her; not the feel of her body on mine, or the taste of her tongue on my lips, none of it was enough. I wanted to possess her, to bury myself inside of her, and never leave.

I moaned as her hips rocked on mine, her body fighting for the same friction I craved. I ran my hands down her back, loving that the only thing I found was her bare skin. "Bella..." I whispered as she pulled back, panting. "Bella...I..."

"Kiss me," she murmured back, her lips finding mine again. Her knees hugged my waist tightly, her hands leaving my chest to firmly grab hold of my jaw as she kissed me. "Just kiss me, Edward," she repeated as her lips pulled back from mine.

I lowered my arms, wrapping them securely around her waist. With a little bit of coaxing, I managed to push her onto her back, rolling to rest my weight on top of hers. I wanted her, and I wanted her to be mine; I didn't want the rough, insistent need that had consumed us the night before in the bar. I wanted to watch her face as I worshipped her body, see the flush creep through her cheeks as I did my damndest to bring her every pleasure I could.

Bella's hands began to wander across my body more freely as I settled my weight between her legs, her fingers pulling lightly at the waistband of my boxers. The elastic gave easily, and I found myself naked quickly. Bella's shorts soon went to follow her shirt, and then she lay beneath completely exposed.

"I love you." The words were out before I could stop them, much like they had been the night before in the bar. I didn't stop to think about the intensity of the words, or the situation; I just bent my head to kiss her again. The ache in my groin intensified, pulsing with need as I continued to kiss Bella, my lips bruised. But I wouldn't act as I had the night before. I would take my time with her, and savor every last moment we had together.

I pulled back from her lips, one hand ghosting down her arm and pausing at her breast. I ran my fingers over her soft skin, my thumb rubbing at her already hardened nipple. She moaned, arching her back into my touch. The reaction emboldened me, and I slid my body down hers, replacing my thumb with my mouth.

She gasped as my lips closed on her flesh, teasing and sucking lightly. With one hand, I reached for hers, winding our fingers together and squeezing tightly. As I intensified my attention to her nipple, her fingers clamped down on mine, nails digging into my hand.

"Edward..." My name slipped from her mouth in a throaty moan, and I could feel the smirk on my lips as I pulled away from her. I dropped light kisses down her stomach, still tightly holding onto one of her hands as my other hand gently pushed her legs apart.

My mouth traveled lower and lower along her heated flesh, tickling the hollow of her ribs, peppering kisses along the curve of her hip, until finally I was tasting her. Her nails dug into my hand again, her breath coming in tight gasps as I licked at the heat between her legs, the taste of her saturating my senses. My tongue slid inside her, stroking her torturously slowly, before I moved up her body to the bundle of nerves I knew craved my attention. She moaned loudly as I pressed my tongue to her clit, flicking back and forth. I could feel her thighs shaking as I continued to tease her, her moans growing louder.

"Edward, please..." She arched her back, her hips lifting her toward my mouth as I continued to lick and lightly suck at her skin. I was struggling with my own control, wanting her as badly as I had the night before, but I fought my own desires. This moment, it wasn't about me; it was about Bella.

It was only when her cries reached a feverish pitch that I pulled myself up her body, covering her in kisses as I went. She was breathing heavily, her cheeks and breasts flush. My free hand remained buried between her legs, stroking her as she rode out the high of her orgasm.

"I want you." The words came between gasps, and her hand reached down my body. The shock of pleasure her touch sent through me caused me to jump, much as it had the night before. My eyes slid closed as she grasped my hard length in her warm palm, stroking me as I had her. I buried my face in her neck, kissing her whenever my lips found flesh. I was losing myself in her touch, losing myself in the sensation of one of her hands on me while the other remained tightly locked with my fingers.

I pulled back, forcing my eyes open to look down into hers. Her eyes were closed, her lower lip trapped between her teeth as she concentrated on me. "Bella," I whispered, fighting the urge to close my own eyes as her thumb swirled around my already-hardened cock, "Bella, look at me."

She opened her eyes slowly. They were bright with lust, and as our gazes locked, another jolt went through me. "I want you," she repeated, her hand guiding me between her legs. "Now, Edward. I want you right now."

I groaned as my cock brushed against her, hot and wet, and ready for me. I pushed forward slowly, wondering where the certainty I had felt the night before had run off to. Bella's fingers came dancing back down my stomach, holding me firmly as she guided me.

"Oh, fuck," I swore as I buried myself in her, my cheek pressed to her neck. I pushed my hips forward until they met hers, then bent to kiss her before I moved again. Our tongues danced, and her hips pushed back against mine, insistent. Bracing myself on my forearms, I began to rock into her, each thrust slow and deep.

Bella pulled my body down to hers, her kisses fervent as her hands raced along my back, my hips, and through my hair before her fingers wrapped themselves in mine. With each thrust forward, her nails dug into my hands, her gasps picking up pace.

I could feel my entire body humming with the sensation of her beneath me; I felt like I owned her in those moments in my bed, as if the act of making love was somehow claiming her in a way that fucking her on the bar the night before couldn't have accomplished. The muscles in my stomach tightened, and my hips moved more quickly of their own accord, Bella rising to meet me with each thrust. Her back arched, pressing her breasts into my chest as I buried my lips in her hair.

Our hands twined together, I pressed them back into the pillows, breathing Bella in as I panted. I refused to let go of her hands, trying to keep my weight in my elbows, but too lost in her body to really notice. Our hips rocked together once more, and I was lost in the explosion of pleasure.

"Bella..." I moaned her name as I found my release, my sweaty hair brushing against her cheek and shoulder as I tried to stifle my moans in her neck.

I refused to move for a long moment, dropping feather light kisses on her neck and shoulders as I came down from my high. Rather than release my grip on her, I rolled us over, Bella's body covering mine. "I think you just made us late, boss lady," I whispered, still panting.

Bella brushed the sweaty hair away that had fallen into my eyes, a sigh escaping her lips. She was practically purring with contentment, not fighting me in the least as I kept her body on mine. I wanted to feel her pressed to me, and feel the comfort of her weight on mine. "That was..."

"-what should have happened last night," I cut in, silencing her with another kiss. "And what can be this afternoon..."

"You know we can't do that," she said sternly, but there was a wistfulness in her tone that told me she very much wished it were otherwise. "I need to shower...and run home...and you need to not be late. Remember, that boss of yours-"

"-is sexy when she's mad." I reluctantly pulled one of my hands out of hers, reaching up to brush her hair back. Her cheeks were still pink, and I wanted to burn her expression of happiness into my memory. "I don't want to get out of this bed," I said quietly, my voice turning serious. "I want to stay here, with you Bella. I want to make love to you for as long as we want, and only leave the apartment for food." My fingers danced down her spine, tracing the curve of her ass before sliding around her waist. The subtle curves of her body would never get old. "I know we can't. But it doesn't change what I want."

Her eyes met mine, and they were shimmering with emotion. She released my other hand, pulling me into a sitting position as she tightly wrapped her arms around me. "I'm not going anywhere," she said quietly, holding my gaze. "Tonight, after the bar closes, I'll be here. With you."

"You better be," I said gruffly, holding her to me. "I don't like being apart from you. I was already used to seeing you at the bar every day, and now I'm used to having you here, too."

Bella remained silent for a long moment, her fingers gently threaded through my hair. "So when is your sister graduating?" she finally asked, a hint of apprehension in her voice.

How does she...? Oh, fuck! Word vomit last night...

"In a few weeks. Would you really go with me?"

She sighed, pulling away from me and making a careful study of her hands again. Without looking at me, she took a deep breath, chewing on her bottom lip. "I...don't think I could stay here without you."

My heart ached at the emotion in her voice, and I pulled her back to me, kissing her forehead as I held her. I didn't want to let her go; I didn't want to break the open, honest mood of the room. Bella may not have been ready to say the words, but I knew she loved me – with my insecurity finally at bay, it was impossible not to believe what Rosalie had told me. Bella would figure it out in her own time.

"I'll call Alice and let her know we're coming then. She really wants to meet you."

"You talked to her, about me?"

"Of course I did. I've been talking to Alice about you for years," I admitted sheepishly, avoiding her gaze as my cheeks flushed. "We've always been close."

"Why hasn't she ever come to visit? I think I'd remember your sister being in town."

"It's a long story," I said evasively, not wanting to bring my sordid family history into our morning. We had plenty of time to talk about it, preferably not tangled together in my bed.

"What about your parents?"

"Longer story."

"Edward, I know I'm not the poster girl for sharing, but what are we walking into? Last night you said you needed me next to you when you face your family. Why do you say it like that?"

"I haven't seen my parents in a few years. We got into a big fight about me dropping out of school, and...well, at this point, I don't even know. After everything, I feel like I can't just pick up the phone and call my mom. And my father...he was so mad, Bella. But Alice wants me there, and she's my baby sister. I can't not be there when she graduates, but it's her college graduation, and I don't want to ruin it for her by getting into it with my dad."

"Edward," Bella broke in gently, grabbing my cheeks in her warm hands. "Edward, stop. They're your parents. You told me last night they always supported you in everything you do. And your sister. It sounds like you have some things you probably need to say to them, and they to you, but if Alice means as much to you as you say...we'll go out there, and watch her graduate, and if you fight with them after, you fight with them. I'll be there. Maybe you just need to get it out. God knows I felt better when I finally let you have it."

I took a deep breath, nodding. My heart had sunk into the pit of my stomach, and I clung to Bella's warmth, struggling to stay above the rising panic. I missed my family terribly; I missed my mother's pancakes and sitting out on the back porch with my father. But I remembered the disappointment in his voice when I'd told him I wasn't going back, and I remembered the look of shame in his eyes. I remembered how badly it had hurt, and how viciously I had lashed out.

I remembered Alice driving me back to the airport in Port Angeles, silently crying as the miles slipped away. She had begged me to come home, to talk to our parents, but I had refused. My pride wouldn't allow me to do anything other than put one foot in front of the other until I was sitting in an uncomfortable airplane seat, speeding back to New York and the fragments of my life. I didn't want to stay in Forks; I didn't want anything to do with the life my parents had built for me. I had wanted my own life, and on my own terms.

"It's a miracle we managed to figure this out at all." Bella's voice pulled me out of my thoughts, and her lips were curled into a smile. "I mean, I'm a mess. You're a mess. If Rosalie hadn't come down here to give us a swift kick in the ass..."

"We would have gotten it eventually. 'Though lovers be lost, love shall not.'" I sighed, gently easing Bella off my lap and swinging my legs off the edge of the bed. I pulled on my discarded boxers, tugging Bella's hand. "You make it easier," I told her, handing her the T-shirt she had slept in. She tugged it over her head, rising to stand on the tips of her toes and brush her lips against mine.

"You make it easier for me, too," she admitted, looping her arms around my neck. "I'm sure your parents will be happy to see you. Trust me, Edward, life's too short. You'll make yourself crazy stressing over it before we get there. I can see it in your eyes. Let's just get dressed and go down to the bar. We have our own madness to deal with today."

"'Though they go mad, they shall be sane,'" I muttered, leaning down to rest my cheek on her shoulder. I drew comfort from her touch, and I didn't care anymore what sort of messed up road we had taken to get where we were.

"I could get used to you quoting poetry to me, but you're going to have to pick a less morbid poem," Bella said quietly, a hint of amusement in her voice. "Why are you quoting from a poem about death?"

"You know the poem?"

"I'm not nearly as well read as you are, but yes, I know the poem. And Death Shall Have No Dominion, right? I remember it from high school. Also those AP classes, and no college..."

"I sort of love you more and more every day," I told her, brushing a kiss on her cheek. Bella was sexy, and caring, and smart, and had recognized my mumbling quotations once again. "But you're wrong, about the poem. Or at least why it's popping into my head this morning. It's not about death. It's about hope. And seeing beauty in the pieces." I took a deep breath, struggling with the surge of emotion running through me. "You're right about us, Bella. We're both a bit broken, and maybe a little nuts. But I love you just the way you are. I don't want it to be easy. Jessica was easy...too easy. I don't want to ever forget to fight for you, or take you for granted."

"Sometimes I have a hard time believing you're the same man who used to come stumbling into the bar, hungover and an hour late." Bella raised an eyebrow at me as I pulled away, but her cheeks were flushed. A tiny smile pulled at her lips, a hint of sadness in her eyes I couldn't place. "Edward, if you can talk to me like this, you can talk to your family." She flattened her palm against my chest, and my heart beat a little faster against her hand. "Just do what you do with me. Say how you feel. You're really...eloquent...when you just let go and talk."

I nodded, grateful for her all over again. I kissed her once more, losing myself in the sensation of her lips on mine, her warm arms around my neck. It took all of my self control not to push her back onto the bed and spend the afternoon there. The real world waited outside the apartment, and with it all of our responsibilities.

Bella took a step back from me when I released her, her cheeks flushed and her lips a deep red. She took a deep breath, pushing her hair back from her face and smiling up at me. "I just need to run home and change. Meet me at the bar in an hour?"

"I could come with you."

"If you come with me, we'll never make it to the bar."

"Right. But I still don't know where you live," I reminded her, watching her as she pulled on her skirt. She still wasn't wearing a bra, and the outline of her nipples was visible in the cool room. A spark of jealousy shot through me as I realized that Bella would have to walk back to her apartment in that outfit – no bra, no panties. As sexy as it was in my bedroom, I didn't want her on the street where anyone could see her.

"Put this on," I insisted, grabbing an oversized hoodie from my closet and thrusting it in her direction. She would be swimming in it, but I was fine with that. No one else needed to see the curves of her breasts or the narrow cinch of her waist; those belonged to me.

She stared at the sweatshirt for a moment before pulling it over her head, an indulgent smirk on her lips as she shoved her feet into her sneakers. She pressed her nose into the fabric, and sighed happily. "It smells like you." She flashed me one more smile before slipping out the door. I listened to her soft footsteps as she made her way out of the apartment, the front door closing quietly behind her.

I leaned down, breathing in the scent of her still lingering on my skin. "And I smell like you," I told the empty room. I glanced around, my eyes falling on the bed of tangled sheets, and smiled. I took a deep breath, luxuriating in the sensation of Bella's scent filling my bedroom before heading for the shower.

I had to get to the bar before Bella; I had a pair of ripped panties to clean up.

* * *

AN: So this one is a little late. RL was full of ass-kicking, but the good news is that my horrid marketing class is over. Those of you on Twitter know just how much I despised this class.

The usual heap of thanks goes to bookgeek80 for being my beta wonder & to the pre-readers for tolerating my insecurity and rambling questions.

There's a new project I'm a part of to help authors get the word out there about their fics, and just generally get some networking going in the fandom. Check it out and sign up! We're launching July 16th! http:/twinetwork(dot)blogspot(dot)com


	15. 15 Dark Wings

15. Dark Wings

* * *

The morning we were to fly out dawned cool, gray, and dreary; it was a perfect day to have spent curled up on my couch with Bella and a bunch of movies—but that wasn't in the cards.

Anxiety ate at me on our way to the airport, setting my fingers to tapping against my knee, the armrest, the window, or any other solid surface within reach. I could tell the repetitive noise was setting Bella's nerves on edge, but every time I forced myself to stop, I just started again without realizing what I was doing.

_While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door, _I thought to myself, staring out the windows to the rainy day beyond. I didn't need a raven to perch outside my window; the anxiety was stirring up the maddening tapping noise all on its own. I could nearly feel the demon bird eyes all over me.

I was definitely losing my mind.

"Edward, stop!" Bella's voice cracked with a hint of irritation, but her hand on my knee was gentle. "You're making me crazy. Please calm down." Even though her tone was firm, her eyes were still filled with warmth.

I felt like the doomed narrator, repeating madly to myself that everything would be all right. _This is it, and nothing more_, I thought, trying to push the anxiety down. _It'll be over soon._

I forced a smile, willing my leg to still beneath her touch. My eyes darted nervously around the airport, constantly shifting back to the departure time listed at our gate. They would begin boarding in the next twenty minutes, and then we'd be on a plane for five hours or so.

Then I would see my family.

Bella had been my saving grace over the last few weeks, constantly pulling me back from the specter of worry lurking in my shadow. Once I had committed to going to Alice's graduation, my fears had slowly started to build in the pit of my stomach. Today they consumed my entire body, making my leg bounce and my stomach churn. Bella's touch usually helped me calm down, but now, as I glared through the plate-glass windows at the waiting jet, even that didn't do anything.

"Edward!"

Her fingers tightened painfully around my knee, and I realized I had started bouncing my leg again. I shot her a sheepish grin, stilling my leg once more. Her touch relaxed, her fingers moving to rest higher on my thigh. She squeezed again, this time in reassurance. "Do you want me to go grab you a bottle of water of something? Do you want a drink?"

"It's ten in the morning." I lifted an eyebrow at her, surprised she had even offered. Bella had spent years frowning over my habit of self-medicating with whiskey, but now here she was...I wasn't sure if I should be more worried about the effect Bella's touch had on me, or the fact that my anxiety was so obvious.

I felt like I was losing my mind. I half-expected to look up and find a raven perched atop a door croaking, "_Nevermore_."

Could anxiety actually make a person psychotic?

Maybe. But lack of sleep wasn't helping matters either.

In order for Bella to come along to California, she had called Rosalie and her boyfriend, Emmett, to come watch the bar for the weekend. Bella had mulled over what to do about the bar for days before giving in, finally deciding that between Rich, Rosalie, and Emmett, the bar would be fine for a few days. We had spent all night there, Bella nervously watching as Emmett poured beers and chatted up her customers. Rosalie had tried to calm her, and I had tried to calm her, but it was three in the morning before we were walking back to my apartment.

Then it had been up to Bella to try and calm me as the reality of our trip sunk in.

Being in her arms had helped, but neither of us had slept much. We hadn't spoken much either, instead losing ourselves in the familiar comfort of each other's bodies. I had wanted to tell her I was in love with her over and over again. I had wanted to hear the words back.

But it had been two weeks. I had told her over and over again—at first. But I had yet to hear the words back, and so in the end, I stopped saying them. As much as I didn't want to, it seemed selfish to keep reminding Bella of her inability to repeat the words. It hurt too much when her eyes betrayed her own pain; it hurt too much when Bella didn't say it back.

So I stopped saying it, as much as I didn't want to. I let myself be content with the look Bella got sometimes, where it seemed the words were on the tip of her tongue; I let myself be content with the way her hand clutched at mine in the cab on the way to the airport, her fierce support evident in her touch.

Bella smiled, her fingers leaving my leg to thread through mine. She squeezed as strongly as she had in the cab, scooting closer to me in the uncomfortable airport seat to lean her head on my shoulder. "It's going to be fine, Edward. We're just seeing your sister today, remember? Parents aren't until tomorrow. Baby steps."

I snorted before I could stop myself. "Baby steps?"

She pulled back, fixing me with an icy glare. "Edward Cullen, I am trying to help you calm down before you have a god damn panic attack. Don't be a jerk."

I opened my mouth to protest, but her withering glare didn't fade. I finally sighed, bringing our joined hands to my lips. I kissed her lightly, leaning back in the plastic seat. "I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. This is...big."

_Real descriptive, Edward. Big. Right. This is definitely "big." _

"We will get through it," she said firmly. "You told me tonight it's just Alice. You said so yourself, you miss your sister. I'm curious to meet her, and I'm guessing she's curious to meet me."

"That's an understatement," I said wryly, glancing over at her. "She's been harassing me about you since we...for the last few weeks. She's sort of like a ter...I don't know what. She's relentless when she catches the scent of something."

"Were you just about to compare your sister to a dog?"

I grinned sheepishly. The comparison had come to mind more than once. "No," I lied, but Bella's amused expression told me she didn't believe me for even a moment. "I'm sure you guys will get along great," I told her, pushing the subject in a different direction. "She enjoys torturing me as much as you do."

"Torture?" Bella shook her head at me with a huff, trying to pull her hand out of mine. I held tight, refusing to let go. I knew what Bella was doing teasing me the way she was, but for all the light banter, as the minutes ticked by, my heart was still racing. "You love me anyway."

Her words ripped the laugh from my throat. They were so close to what I wanted her to say, but still miles away. She didn't seem to have realized what she was saying until the words were out, her own expression morphing into one of dismay as it sank in. "Edward..."

She tried to pull her hand free again, but I wasn't letting her go that easy. "I do love you," I said quietly, holding her eyes with mine. I wanted her to know I meant it.

"I know," she whispered, breaking our stare. Her eyes went to her shoes, practical sneakers for our day of traveling. I knew she had heels in her bag; she had heard enough about my sister to know we wouldn't just be drinking beer on her couch tonight. Since Alice was graduating from college, apparently she wanted to go out and party. One part of me couldn't wait to see Bella in the short black dress I knew she'd packed; the other part was completely terrified of what my sister was going to end up wearing.

Though at the moment, I was a lot more afraid of the skittish look in Bella's eyes. I half-feared if we weren't about to get on a plane, she would have taken off into the airport and not be seen for days.

I hated that I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Hey," I said quietly, gentling tilting her chin so she faced me again. "Bella. Look at me."

"Edward..."

"Stop, please." I took a deep breath, staring back into her puzzled expression. "You know how I feel about you. It isn't going to change. I know you're not...there, yet. That's fine. You'll tell me when you're ready."

She blinked rapidly, her eyes glassing over. I watched as she worried at her lip, but she left her fingers entwined with mine. She took a shaky breath, sneaking a glance at me through her watery eyelashes. "I don't deserve you."

"_Never_ say that again." I startled myself with how fierce my voice was; I had practically growled the words out. Bella's eyes widened at my tone, and we remained silent for a moment before she nodded. She squeezed my hand again, letting out a rush of air as she leaned back.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, staring out the window at the planes waiting beyond in the misty morning. The sorrow in her voice made my heart ache. I knew she wasn't talking about what she had just said. I knew it bothered her that she couldn't say the words back. I _wanted_ to tell her it was fine, that I wasn't hurt, but it would have been a lie.

"American Airlines flight 5134 to Los Angeles will now begin boarding. At this time, we'd like to welcome aboard our first class passengers. General boarding will follow. Thank you," came the voice across the loudspeaker.

I got to my feet, pulling Bella up with me. She furrowed her eyebrows, looking from me to the gate. "Edward, they haven't called us yet."

"Yes they have." I waved the boarding passes I'd been concealing, wrapping my arm around Bella's waist as I pulled her with me toward the gate. "Alice booked the tickets after getting it okayed by my parents." I suppressed a shudder of anxiety at the thoughts of seeing them the next day.

"Edward, no. It's too much. I wasn't happy to begin with that your sister, or family, or whoever, was paying for these tickets, but this...Edward, I can't."

"Well, the tickets are paid for, so it's either get on the plane with me, or stay here on principal," I snapped, too tired to fight with her. I was almost certain Bella wouldn't have come so far to back down now, but I wasn't about to have a lengthy discussion about it.

She glared at me, knowing for all she didn't like it, she would get on the plane. "You knew."

"I did. Bella...this is how my family travels."

She paused for a long moment, and then folded her arms across her chest. "Just how much money does your family have?"

I winced, knowing I had skirted around the truth with Bella for as long as I could. "A lot," I said vaguely, realizing my entire life with Bella was about to change. She knew me only as the Edward I'd been in Brooklyn, scraping by on tips earned by working long hours at the bar. She only knew my small, crappy apartment; I could only imagine what she would think of the sprawling white mansion in Forks. Most of my Brooklyn apartment would fit into my bedroom back in Washington.

For the first time in my life, I wasn't worried that a girl wanted to be with me for the money; I was worried that the money would drive the girl I wanted away.

"Millions?"

"Yes."

She rolled her eyes at me suddenly, grabbing my hand and walking off toward the gate. My legs felt shaky with relief. "I don't know why you didn't just tell me earlier. You know I don't care about your family's money. I just don't appreciate being lied to." She paused. "And I don't appreciate you hiding the tickets from me. You could have just told me. You know I wouldn't let you go alone over something as stupid as a plane ticket." Her tone had softened by the end, and she leaned against me as we came to a stop in the short line.

We were silent as we moved quickly through the line, handing our tickets to the flight attendant to be scanned. My heart began hammering again. As we slid into our seats, I began to feel like I couldn't breathe.

"Edward?" Bella asked, worry coating her voice. "Hey, are you okay?"

I nodded, but my lungs were tightening painfully. _I will not have a panic attack on this damn plane,_ I swore to myself, leaning over my knees as I tried desperately to pull air into my lungs. _I'm not going to start freaking out like a lunatic; it'd be as useful as ranting and raving at a god damn bird._ I clung to the logic of my thoughts, clung to the sanity of them.

"Edward?" Bella's hand was on my back, rubbing lightly.

"I want to get off this plane," I whispered, forcing myself to take shallow breaths. I had my hands in my hair, trying to hold my head steady as panic went rushing through me. "I know I can't. Alice wants me there. But I want to, Bella."

"I know," she said soothingly, leaning her head close to mine. Her hand moved up to the back of my neck, massaging lightly. I could feel the tendrils of calm taking root there before working their way through me. In the aisle, passengers were working their way to the back of the plane, bags jostling and kids wailing, but my world was only Bella. I leaned back, slouching in my seat to press my cheek to her shoulder. I closed my eyes, drowning myself in the scent of Bella and the even rhythm of her breathing.

There was finally no more rapping, tapping, god damn raven in my head.

I slept fitfully through the flight, Bella curled up against me. Drifting in and out of sleep, I could feel her fingers running through my hair, or lightly rubbing my back. I didn't bother trying to watch a movie, or trying to choke down any of the hideous airline coffee. We were going to Los Angeles, land of the Starbucks-per-block; I would soon have as much coffee as I wanted. Nor did I want to stop Bella's softly trailing touch.

Plus it would be an acceptable time to start drinking by the time we landed.

Alice had reluctantly agreed to me renting a car instead of coming to get us; I knew the only reason I'd won was because her Porsche didn't have a backseat. I was paying through the nose for being just sky of twenty-five, but I didn't care. I wanted the freedom to get away from my family if I needed to, and I wanted the privacy. Staying at Alice's, I wasn't sure how much alone time I would get with Bella. I needed the out. So even though I wasn't exactly thrilled to be driving around in some crappy four-door sedan designed for senior citizens, the car was on my own dime. It would do.

Bella hadn't slept on the plane, and she looked exhausted as she fell into the passenger seat. I shot her what I hoped was a reassuring smile as we got on the freeway and started north for Alice's apartment. I let myself focus on weaving in and out of traffic, glad to behind the wheel of a car again. Since my talk with Rosalie, I'd been thinking about my cars back in Forks a lot, and as much as I loved not having to deal with Brooklyn's parking rules, I missed driving.

Bella didn't seem to agree.

I glanced over at her as I took the exit Alice had instructed, noticing her tense expression. My memory flickered back to Rosalie in the bar, her gentle teasing of Bella's old truck. I dropped my right hand onto Bella's leg, squeezing with what I hoped was reassurance.

"Both hands on the wheel if you're going to drive like a psycho." She took my hand from her leg, shoving it away from her and back toward the wheel. "I'm suddenly really happy you don't have a car in the city."

"Aw, c'mon, Bella, everyone drives like this out here," I replied cheerfully. To make my point, I darted across two lanes of traffic to get around the person in front of me going way too slow for my liking. Bella's glare told me the move was not appreciated.

"Suddenly in a hurry to get to your family?"

"No," I grumbled, slowing down when I noticed how pale she had become. "I just like to drive. Believe it or not, it's sort of a stress-relief."

"Maybe for you."

I left her comment alone, sighing and settling back into my seat. I wanted to floor the gas pedal and go tearing down the freeway; I wanted to lose myself in the adrenaline rush of weaving in and out of traffic, but I didn't. I settled into the middle lane and tried not to let my worries take root in the pit of my stomach again.

We pulled up to Alice's apartment a short time later, the large white building shooting up into the deep blue sky. Each apartment had a small balcony, the black wrought-iron a sharp contrast to the stark white of the building. I swallowed nervously, unconsciously reaching for Bella's hand; it wasn't until I registered her soft skin on mine that I realized what I had done.

Alice was waiting just outside the front door in the shadow of two tall palm trees flanking the entrance. She looked like she belonged in a travel magazine, dressed all in white, flowing clothes.

"Edward!" she called excitedly, rushing up to us. She threw her arms around me, squeezing so tightly I almost couldn't breathe. When she pulled back, her green eyes, so like my own, were alight with excitement. "And you must be Bella!" Before I could stop her, she had flung her arms around my very shocked girlfriend, who stood stock-still as Alice hugged her tightly.

"I'm so excited you guys are here! How was the flight? Was it long? Did you get any sleep? Were the flight attendants nice? The last flight I was on, back from Cabo, they were just so rude! I hope they weren't rude to you. Edward, look at how pale you are! You need some sun. Let's go sit by the pool and catch up! There's a pool up on the roof. I love living here. It's so sunny, nothing like Forks."

"Alice," I cut in, stopping my sister when I saw the chance. Unchecked, I was beginning to worry she would just keep talking right up until she had to accept her diploma. "Do you think maybe you could tell me where to park first?" I gestured to the car we had just vacated, stepping closer to Bella so I could wrap my arm around her waist. "It'd be nice to relax, but can we at least bring our bags in?"

Alice had insisted Bella and I stay with her. She had a two bedroom apartment, but no roommate. It seemed that after Alice had driven off two roommates, our parents had given up and just agreed to pay the bill. It had seemed silly at the time that they hadn't tried to talk her into a one bedroom, but I was grateful to not have to spend the money on a hotel room. Though with the way Alice was rambling on, I was beginning to wonder if it might have been worth it.

"Oh, the valet will park it. Just give me the keys and I'll have them move it." Alice held out her hand expectantly, glancing over her shoulder back through the glass entryway.

"Um, okay. Just let me grab our bags."

Bella stayed close to me as I moved back to the car, popping the trunk to unload both of our bags. I threw my duffle bag over my shoulder before taking Bella's bag out. "Valet?" she muttered so quietly I wasn't sure I was meant to hear.

I sighed, swatting Bella's hand away as she tried to take her bag from me. "I got it," I told her, offering up a lopsided grin. I knew it still irked her sometimes when I did things for her that she thought herself perfectly capable, but I had decided she was just going to have to get used to it.

She huffed, but out of the corner of my eye I saw the hint of a smile grace her lips. _Maybe I'm finally getting somewhere with her._

When I turned my gaze away from Bella, I caught the way Alice was watching us, her own smile firmly in place. Her eyes darted from me to Bella and back again, offering me a tiny smile as we made our way into the building. She stopped long enough to hand off my keys before pressing the elevator button. Unable to stand still, she rolled up onto the balls of her feet and back down again, an endless ball of energy.

"The second bedroom is all set for you guys," Alice explained as we stepped into the elevator, her expression turning sly as she eyed me. "The walls are pretty thick, just so you know."

"Alice!"

"What?" she asked innocently, smiling at Bella as she directed her words at me. "Edward, please. We're not little kids anymore. Besides, Jasper will be over later. He'll stay the night."

"Mind telling me who the fuck Jasper is?" I grumbled, not at all pleased to just now be hearing about some guy spending the night with my sister.

"My boyfriend," Alice replied in a sing-song voice. "Be nice."

"Boyfriend? You never mentioned a boyfriend." I scowled at her, wondering why I had never heard about this guy before. "Alice?"

"Well, I didn't tell you before because I wanted you to meet him before you got all..." Her eyes narrowed, taking in my dark expression. "...crazy big brother. It's only the last few weeks it's gotten serious. We've sort of been a thing...for awhile."

"A thing? Awhile?"

"Most of senior year." Alice shrugged, but the flush of her cheeks gave her away. Alice never blushed, so I knew there had to be more to the story. I was too tired for a verbal game of hide-and-seek with her, but I made a note to ask her later. "He's great. You'll like him."

"We'll see."

Bella and Alice both shot me the same look of warning; they seemed to notice what they'd done at the same moment. Alice broke into peals of laughter, and Bella's lips turned up into an amused grin. She grabbed my free hand, leaning against me as Alice led us into her apartment. It reminded me of the way she usually leaned against me as we walked home from the bar, and I felt myself relax.

Alice pointed me to the second bedroom as we entered, babbling on about the apartment, and the view, and the pool, as we went. Bella raised a silent eyebrow at me as we walked down the hall, no doubt wondering when my sister would finally pause for air. I wasn't ready to inform her that Alice was always like this.

It was oddly comforting, listening to my sister ramble on about minute details. It felt like home.

"Thank you," Bella said quietly as Alice led us into the guest room, pointing out the en-suite as I dropped our bags on the bed. It was covered in throw pillows and a thick white comforter; all I wanted to do was fall into the bed with Bella and sleep for hours.

"Oh, you're welcome! I'm just so glad you're here with him. He gets all worked up about these sorts of things." Alice's tone suddenly became gentle, her excitement stilled for the moment as she became serious. "Edward, it's going to be fine. Mom's missed you. She's never stopped missing you."

"Alice," I began, letting my voice drop lower in warning. It didn't escape me she hadn't mentioned our father. "We've had a long flight. I'd really like to take a shower. Or a nap."

"You can sleep next to the pool."

I took a quick look at Bella, who didn't seem thrilled with the pool idea either. We were both exhausted, and it showed in the deep purple shadows marring Bella's usually creamy complexion. "Alice, we were at the bar pretty late. Why don't you go enjoy the pool and give us a few hours to recharge? I know you want to go out tonight. We'll both be dead on our feet without some sleep."

Alice had a look on her face that usually spelled trouble, but as she opened her mouth to fire back at me, her features unexpectedly softened. I realized she was looking at Bella as she began talking, before her gaze quickly shifted back to me. "Of course. You must be tired. I'm sorry; I'm just so excited you're here. I've missed you!" She hugged me once more before heading for the door, pausing on her way out. Our eyes met, and she winked before closing the door softly behind her.

"Did I pass?" Bella asked, a hint of amusement coating her words.

"With flying colors," I replied, turning back toward her. "Alice would have never left us alone if she didn't like you. I think the only reason she gave in was you, honestly."

"What? Why?"

"If it were just me, she would have dragged me up to that pool. She likes you."

"But I barely said two words to her! She doesn't even know me!"

"For Alice, it's long enough." I took a step closer, wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her to me. "She sees how happy you make me. And for her, that's enough."

"Did she like Jessica?"

"No. Never." I pulled away, looking down at Bella's furrowed eyebrows and tense expression. "Why do you ask?"

"Just curious."

I eyed her for another long moment before letting it go. I was too tired to argue with Bella about whatever was eating at her, especially over something like my ex-girlfriend. Bella was the one I was with; Bella was the one I loved. Jessica didn't matter.

"I wasn't just saying it just to get rid of Alice. I really do want to take a shower." I pulled back from Bella, going to my bag to pull out my toiletry case. "And maybe a nap?" I asked hopefully.

"I don't know if I can sleep."

"Me either, but I know it'd help if I had you next to me," I said quietly, turning back to her as I pulled things out of my bag. "Maybe you'll fall asleep too. You didn't sleep on the plane."

"No. You're right. A nap would be nice." Bella bit down on her bottom lip, worrying the soft flesh. "Would you mind sharing that shower? I'm so tired I'll fall asleep if I wait for you to go first."

"Of course not." I smiled, pulling her toward me and backing toward the bathroom. "A hot shower with you, followed by a nap with my beautiful girlfriend sounds like the perfect remedy to a day of travel."

"Oh? Who's this girlfriend?" she asked playfully, arching an eyebrow as we moved toward the bathroom. I offered her the crooked grin I knew she loved and a quick kiss on her cheek.

The bathroom was much bigger than I'd expected, with both a tiled shower and a deep soaking tub. I eyed both, a plan formulating quickly. "A bath would be nice," I murmured in Bella's ear, dropping a soft kiss on her shoulder. "Can I talk you into that? A nice, relaxing soak?"

"Mmm, that does sound nice. Just let me go grab my shower stuff, okay? I'll be right back."

Bella moved away from me, slipping back through the bathroom door into the bedroom. I sighed, reaching for the tap and fiddling with the temperature as the water began to fill the tub. I didn't hear Bella's footsteps over the rush of the water as she returned, her light touch startling me.

"Relax, Edward," she said quietly, her hand gently rubbing the back of my neck like she had on the plane. Her fingers fanned out, lightly kneading my tense shoulders. "It'll be over soon."

I nodded, letting my eyes slide closed as her fingers worked away the tension in my body. I never wanted to leave the comfort of the bathroom.

When the tub was filled, I turned back to Bella, feeling slightly awkward. I had undressed her time and time again in the comfort of my bed; we'd showered together back in New York, but that had usually ended pressed against the tile. I had no intention of our bath ending that way. I just wanted to be with her, and I didn't know how to take this next step. There was something more to this moment, something that made me hesitate before pulling my T-shirt over my head.

Bella watched me undress, a tiny smile playing across her lips. "What?" I finally asked as I kicked off my jeans, shoving them away from the tub with my foot. I was standing there in only my boxers, but Bella was still fully dressed.

"Nothing." She grinned, taking a step closer and running her fingers down my chest. "You always watch me get undressed before bed. I never get to watch you like this." She stood on the tips of her toes, lightly brushing her lips against mine. "Now get in before the water gets cold."

I laughed before doing as she bid, sending my underwear to join my pants in the corner of the room. Bella's clothes joined mine, and just before she got into the tub I caught a look at her naked form, the curve of her waist and hips, the smooth expanse of skin along her back. She moaned quietly as she sank into the water, her head lolling back against my shoulder. Her hair tickled my neck as I sank back further, pulling her to me. We were both quiet, the gentle sound of the water lapping against the tub the only sound besides our breathing.

"Edward?" Bella asked quietly, her hands dipping beneath the water to rest atop mine on her stomach.

"Mmm?"

"I love you."

* * *

AN: Thank you muchly to the beta & the prereaders. They say it's worth the wait. I hope you agree.

I could tell you all my reasons for update fail, but the short version is that RL kicked me square in the teeth. I plan to get back to regular updates, but with grad school I won't promise anything. I love all of you for sticking with me this far.

I posted the Bella POV outtake for Roman Candle as well. Feel free to jump back over to the profile and check it out if you haven't.

I've also got another project going right now. Hickward. You might have seen him on Twitter, but he's co-authored with the lovely MsRason. www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/~RasonForRuin


	16. 16 House of Leaves

16. House of Leaves

* * *

I jolted awake, peering around the darkened room. Alice was standing beside the bed, her hand tentatively pulled back to hover above my shoulder. She motioned toward the door, whispering, "Can we talk?"

I nodded, shooing her toward the door. I was nervous at having been woken by my sister; what was so important that it couldn't wait? I bit back a grumble of annoyance at being bothered while in Bella's arms. We weren't teenagers anymore, and it bothered me that Alice had just walked in while I was in bed with Bella.

_Little solace comes to those who grieve as thoughts keep drifting, as walls keep shifting, and this great blue world of ours seems a house of leaves moments before the wind, _I thought as I lay still for a long moment. Had my happiness only hours earlier been just an illusion? A house of leaves, ready to blow over with the slightest breeze? I thought about the book my mind had jumped to, the jumble of thoughts all bound together, and thought it fitting.

Bella appeared to still be asleep, her breathing deep and even. I wasn't sure I would be able to get out of bed without waking her, but I had to find out what Alice wanted before she brought Bella into it. Not that I wanted to move; Bella and I hadn't bothered to get dressed following our bath, instead falling into bed together. Her skin felt silky against mine, and I was deliciously warm and comfortable beneath the comforter.

Bella loved me. I'd already known, but to have her confirm it aloud...it brought another smile to my lips just thinking about it. I brushed off the twinge of uncertainty as to what had brought about the sudden revelation; it didn't really matter. Bella loved me.

Smiling to myself, I eased away from the bed, brushing a kiss against her forehead. I didn't want to linger too much; I had a feeling Alice wasn't going to be so easily dismissed. Patience had never been one of her virtues.

I watched Bella sleep as I pulled on my jeans, not bothering to fish out a clean shirt. It was my hope that whatever Alice wanted wouldn't take too long, and I could slip back into bed with Bella for a few more hours. Judging by the glow of sunshine surrounding the curtains, we hadn't been asleep long. I knew tomorrow was going to be a long day, and if Alice was going to keep us out most of tonight, I felt entitled to sleep the afternoon away.

With one final glance at Bella, I padded across the thick carpet and slipped out the door, quietly closing it behind me. I shoved my hands into my pockets, wandering out to Alice's living room. She had the doors open to the balcony, an afternoon breeze filling the room. The deep blue of the sky stretched out above the California landscape of palm trees and freeways as far as the eye could see. If Alice hadn't woken me out of a sound sleep to have a talk, I'd have found the entire scene very peaceful.

Alice was already out on the balcony, the wind pushing her short hair into her eyes. She smiled as I approached, nodding toward the bedroom I had just left. "Bella's everything you said."

"She's more," I replied quietly, fishing in my pocket for my cigarettes. "Do you care if I smoke out here?" The expression on Alice's face had me worried about what she had to say, and without Bella to calm me, cigarettes were going to be the next best thing.

Alice wrinkled her nose in disapproval, but nodded anyway. She reached behind us to close the door leading back into the apartment to keep the smoke outside as I lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply.

"I like her," Alice told me, leaning back against the railing as she watched me. "You seem different, too."

"A lot has changed in my life over the last few years," I replied, wishing she would just spit it out.

Alice sighed, sinking down into one of the chairs and staring off into the distance. "I know you only came out here for me, but I miss us being a family, Edward. Nothing would make me happier than to have you home this year for the holidays. I miss you. Mom and Dad..."

"Mom and Dad have made their opinions clear, Alice. You're right. I'm here for you. I'm going to behave myself tomorrow, but I'm not promising you anything about any of the rest. You don't know what Dad said to me that day. You weren't there." I did my best to hold my temper in check, but I didn't like Alice's accusatory tone. It wasn't just me that had been out of line that day.

"I was down the hall. The two of you were pretty loud."

I glared at her, the anger rising in me as the memories came flooding back. "Alice..." I warned, letting the rage coat my words.

"No, Edward. You wouldn't listen to me when I drove you to the airport. You're going to listen to me now. I woke you up because I didn't want to talk about this in front of Bella. I don't know what you've told her, and it isn't my place to tell her things you haven't."

I eyed her suspiciously, wondering what on earth my sister was planning to throw in my direction now. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest, and her entire body was rigid. It had been rare for us to fight as kids, but the look on her face told me this wasn't going to be a simple disagreement that ended in one of us shouting for Mom.

I wanted nothing more than Bella's reassuring touch on my shoulder.

"You had no business dropping out of school the way you did."

"Alice, we're not having this conversation," I cut in, grinding my teeth together as I fought to keep from shouting. "I came out here to celebrate with you, not have my baby sister lecture me on my life. You've made your opinion clear."

"You can't keep doing this."

"Doing what?"

"Pretending like if you ignore it, it will all just go away! You were wrong, Edward! Mom and Dad gave you everything you ever asked for, and you pissed it all away! You broke Mom's heart when you dropped out of school, and you know why? Because you never talked to her. You never said anything. You just announced that you were done with college. No plan. No nothing. And when they got mad—which any parent would have—you started making nasty accusations. I heard what Dad said to you that day. It wasn't fair, and he shouldn't have said it, but god damn it, Edward, people say things when they're mad! They say things they don't mean! You of all people should know that," she said bitterly, looking away from me again.

Too angry to form a coherent response, I took a deep drag from my cigarette and let the smoke out in an angry huff. I didn't want to fight with my sister; Alice was supposed to be the one person left in my family that didn't pick at everything I did.

I felt trapped, like no matter what I did it wasn't going to be good enough. _One man hid, having sealed the doors, creating a momentary bit of inside, a place to live in, to breathe in, a man who survived the blast and the water and instead lived to feel another kind of death, a closing in of such impenetrable darkness, far blacker than any Haitian night._ Jonny Truant's story of the trapped sailor spun in my mind, the familiar panic tightening my chest, making me feel like I was the one barricaded in a ship sinking to the ocean floor with no hope of rescue.

"What was I supposed to do, Alice? Just stand there and take it? Let Dad tell me I was a failure? Let Dad lecture me about every decision I'd ever made? You weren't in New York with me. You don't know anything about the decisions I made." I sighed in defeat, not knowing what I could possibly say to explain things to Alice. She might have been my younger sister, but she'd spent the last few years handing out her unsolicited opinion.

"You're right. I don't. Because you never told anyone. You just informed all of us what you had decided, with no rhyme or reason. You went from a promising future to a bartender overnight. Edward, you're my brother. I love you. But you're so fucking selfish sometimes. Did you ever think about anyone but yourself when you made this decision? Do you know how hard it's been for me, being home since you left? We used to be so close, and now you're three thousand miles away."

"It's my life! There's no reason I should have had to consult any of you."

"No, of course not. People make giant, life-changing decisions without consulting those who are important to them all the time," Alice snapped sarcastically, turning her dark gaze on me once again. "Don't you get that? It's not even that you dropped out of college. I want you to be happy, and if you're happy bartending, then fine. But you never so much as thought about including any of us in your decision. And then, when anyone had a legitimate question for you about your future, you blew up like we were questioning every decision you'd ever made." Alice took a deep breath, nodding back toward the inside of the apartment again. "I don't know what you've told her, about the family, but we _all_ used to be so close. I miss that, Edward. I miss having you around. I wish you could have visited me more. I wish I could have come to New York and seen you with Bella."

"No one was stopping you."

"I wasn't going to hurt Mom and Dad like you did just to get my own way."

"If they wanted to see me so bad, if they wanted to have us all together so bad, then why did I get back to New York and find my cell phone didn't work? That my credit cards were canceled?"

"What good would it have done for them to keep paying your bills?"

"They pay yours."

"Yes, Edward. They pay mine. Because I was going to school, and they wanted me to focus on school instead of a job. They wanted to give us what they didn't have, the luxury to focus on school instead of how to pay for it. What would it have taught you to have all your bills paid while you partied it up with your friends? What good would that have done?"

"A warning would have been nice."

"Mom tried-"

"Alice!" I cut in, stabbing out my cigarette and turning to her. "Did Mom put you up to this? Where the fuck is all of this coming from? I don't want to fight with you, but I'm not doing this. I'll wake Bella up and go stay in a hotel until your graduation tomorrow."

"What, and just run away again because it's hard? What are you going to do when it gets hard with Bella? Run away from her too?"

I sucked in a deep breath, my hands curled into tight fists as I fought for restraint. "I would never run away from Bella. I love her. You don't know what we're gone through to be together, what it's taken. I'd fight for her until I couldn't fight anymore. But I don't see what Bella has to do with any of this."

"Bella isn't the only one who loves you," Alice said quietly, her eyes settling on me. "Your family misses you. I don't want for you to just behave tomorrow. I want you to try. Please, Edward. If it's too much and you need to leave, then go back to New York with Bella." Alice sighed heavily, leaning back in her chair and unfolding her arms. "And I want you to be nice to Jasper tonight. He is to me what Bella is to you. He's important."

"I thought you said you've only been dating a few weeks...?" I asked, puzzled by her statement. From what she had been saying earlier, it seemed Jasper had been something casual; now she was insinuating she was in love with him?

"And how long after you met Bella did you know your life was changed?" she shot back in challenge, an eyebrow arched. "Was it when you finally put a title on it? Or from the moment she walked in?"

I remembered back to the first day I'd stumbled into the bar, the look in Bella's eyes as she'd held my stare, the way she had questioned my abilities with a cool confidence. I remembered the way she had laughed that first shift together, the way she had gently guided me around the bar when I didn't know where things were. I remembered all the days in between, the last three years a succession of memories involving Bella.

"How come you haven't mentioned him before?" I finally asked, my curiosity getting the better of me. I had talked Alice's ear off about Bella, long before I had even dreamed of having a chance with her. It struck me as odd I'd never so much as heard of Jasper.

"I wanted you to meet him. And we've been...more than friends...for a while. But it was never official, like it is now. It's college, Edward." Alice shrugged, but a broad grin had taken over her expression. "He's really great. He's from Texas, and he majored in history. He wants to be a teacher. He's so kind, and he loves me, Edward. He makes it seem like there's nothing else in the world but us."

I nodded, understanding myself how true the words she had spoken were. I told myself I would do my best to make Jasper feel welcome, for my sister's sake. She had been so nice to Bella, inviting her into her home; it was the least I could do. Alice was right. I didn't agree with her about what had gone down with my parents when I'd left school, but I did miss my family. It seemed an impossibility, but if one day we could have the holidays Alice imagined, one big family all together, it would be a welcome change.

"Okay, Alice. I get it. I won't play twenty-questions with Jasper, and I'll try tomorrow with Mom and Dad. No promises." I sighed, squinting in the bright afternoon sun. "Can I go back to Bella now? I love you, sis, but I know you've got something planned for tonight. I'd like the quiet while I can get it."

"Sure you don't want to come up the pool with me?"

"Yeah, Alice. I'm sure."

"You've got it bad for her, huh?"

"Do you need an answer?"

She laughed, shaking her head as we both got up to go inside. "No, Edward. The way you look at her says it all." She paused, catching my arm for a minute before speaking again. "She looks at you the same way."

"I know," I replied quietly, Bella's soft whisper rushing back to me as we stepped into the apartment. Alice left the door open to the afternoon air. "Thanks, Alice. For having us. And for...for being there for me, all these years, with everything. I know I left things shitty between you and me, and I shouldn't have."

"Buy me and Jasper a drink tonight, and we'll call it even." Alice winked over her shoulder, pausing as we started down the hall toward the bedrooms. "I figured we could do dinner just the three of us, and then meet Jasper for drinks? Some of my other friends are going to stop by too."

"Sure Alice. It's your night." I impulsively pulled my sister into a hug, ruffling her hair as she pulled away. She scowled, but I could see her lips twitching as she tried not to smile.

"Whatever, Eddie. Just be ready to go at seven." She disappeared into her bedroom before I could come up with a retort for the hated nickname. Alice was the only one who'd ever gotten away with it, and as much as it annoyed me, a part of me smiled to hear it.

Bella was awake when I slipped back into the bedroom, pushed up on one elbow as my eyes met hers in the dim light. She smiled, patting the mattress next to her. "C'mere," she beckoned, watching as I approached. The sheet was wrapped around her, but her bare shoulders were exposed. I grinned as I kicked off my jeans, loving the sight of her smooth skin against the sheets.

"Have a good talk with your sister?" she asked softly, her warm body snuggling up to me as I fell into the bed beside her. One of her hands trailed across my chest, tracing idle patterns.

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"I heard your voices in the hallway. I woke up when you weren't there. I...can't sleep without you," she mumbled, sounding embarrassed. "But I didn't want to bother you if you guys were having a private conversation," she explained, her voice returning to normal. I wondered if I had imagined the embarrassment.

"Alice just wanted to get on my case about our parents. And to not harass her boyfriend tonight." I leaned down, brushing a kiss against Bella's hair and pulling her closer to me. "You're never bothering me, Bella. Alice didn't say anything I would have hidden from you. It's just stuff about my family..."

"You never told me the whole story."

I sighed, closing my eyes against the memories my conversation with Alice had dredged up. "It wasn't my finest moment."

"Oh, and me finding you passed out on your kitchen floor in the snow that night was?"

"Oh, no. I think you pulling the glass out of my shoulder later on that night was my finest moment by far," I said with a chuckle, running my hand down her back. "Or maybe the next morning, with my black eye."

"You looked kind of hot with a black eye."

"I looked like a wreck."

"A hot one." Bella stretched up my body, covering my mouth with hers. She shifted her weight on top of me, her fingers splayed across my cheeks as she deepened the kiss. I let my hands run down her back, squeezing her ass as she pressed the length of her body along mine. I luxuriated in the feeling of her against me, uncertain it was possible to feel more content than I did in that moment.

"Bella..." I protested weekly as her hips ground down against mine, my already hardened dick pressed to the inside of her thigh. Her kiss had me immediately turned on, but we were in my sister's apartment. "Alice is in the next room..."

"So? She said the walls were thick." Bella peppered kisses down my jaw, leaning back enough to look me in the eyes. Hers were dark with want, her tangled hair tumbling over her shoulders. "I'm not tired anymore. Are you?"

"No..." I sucked in a deep breath as Bella lowered her lips back to my neck, sucking lightly on the sensitive spot under my jaw. Her suggestion sent a thrill down my spine, never mind the aching need I felt for her comfort after dredging up the past with Alice. "But, I..."

"You got me in that bath, all relaxed, and we had a nice nap. I've spent hours with you naked, and I love you, but if you don't stop making excuses right now, I'm going to..."

"Going to what?"

Bella smirked, sliding her body down. Her eyes held mine as she moved, purposefully pressing her breasts to me as she did. The intensity of her gaze made my pulse throb in my veins. I was breathing heavily, tingles of delightful suspicion running through me as Bella lowered her mouth to my stomach, kissing her way down. I groaned as she took me into her mouth, one hand tangling in her soft hair as she swirled her tongue around my dick. One of Bella's hands remained on my hip to steady herself, her nails digging into the tender flesh, while the other caressed my balls as her mouth worked at me.

Bella pressed her tongue to me, sliding her lips up and down as she moved. She moaned as she pulled me into her throat, the vibration eliciting a moan of my own. Her tongue flicked across the sensitive tip as she pulled back up, and I fisted the sheets tightly with my free hand, struggling to control my breathing.

And then she pulled away, the tell-tale smirk evident as she licked her lips. "Or else I think I'll just go take Alice up on her offer to lay by the pool. Looks like it's a nice day, and I could use a tan."

I gaped at her, too shocked to move at first. But as Bella swung her leg over me to get out of bed, I growled, grabbing her hips to keep her from moving. "That's not very nice."

"Oh?" She arched an eyebrow at me, her hand trailing down my chest and across my hip. Her eyes danced with mischief. She was purposefully getting close to where I wanted her touch the most, but avoided giving me the satisfaction. "Sort of like when I wake up from a rather dirty dream about you, and you're not here to do anything about it?"

I said nothing, instead letting one of the hands that had been on her hip slip between her legs. I quickly found that her bravado was all a bluff; Bella was definitely turned on. I teased her as she has teased me, trailing one finger through the wetness without actually applying enough pressure to satisfy her. Her head fell back, her messy hair tumbling over her shoulders in dark waves while I held her tightly with my free hand.

While I watched in fascination, one of Bella's hands came up to her breasts, squeezing and pinching her hardened nipple. She opened her eyes as her own breathing turned to pants, watching me watch her.

"Still want to go to the pool?" I demanded, pressing my thumb to her clit as I slid my fingers inside her. "I can stop whenever you want..."

"Don't you dare."

I smirked at her, just as she had done to me, withdrawing my hand as she whimpered in disappointment. I paused long enough for her to squirm above me, seeking the friction I had withdrawn, before pushing her onto her back in one quick movement.

My mouth was on hers in an instant, kissing her with everything I had. I let go of the restraint I had been holding onto, abandoning myself to the simple need for her. I pushed into her as I held myself up on my elbows, not pausing in my assault on her mouth as I picked up a quick rhythm. She moaned as I kissed her, her nails digging into my back.

"More," she groaned in between kisses, her hands working to pull me deeper into her with each thrust. I obliged her willingly, grasping one of her shapely legs and pulling it up to rest on my shoulder. In the new position, I could push myself into her until our hips met.

"Edward..." Bella's eyes were closed, her bottom lip caught between her teeth as she reached for me, first twisting her hand into my hair, and then grasping my waist as I moved faster. "Don't stop...right...there..."

I gritted my teeth, fighting for control over my own body as I watched Bella's face and listened to her breathless pants. I pressed my hips forward, adding more pressure to the angle I was moving at, dangerously close to falling over the edge. Her back arched, and I felt the muscles in her thigh tense under my touch as she cried out. Only then did I join her, shuddering at the force of my release.

Sweaty and sated, I collapsed onto her, breathing heavily as she lowered her leg and wrapped her arms around me. We kissed slowly, luxuriating in the cloud of bliss surrounding us.

"Where did that come from?" I murmured, pushing myself onto my elbows to look at her. It wasn't that Bella was never affectionate with me, but she had never so blatantly initiated sex before. I brushed a sweaty strand of hair behind her ear, loving the flush to her cheeks and the sparkle in her eyes. Her lips were red and swollen from our fevered kisses, but her eyes shone in the dim light. I wanted to stay right where we were all night, ignoring the impending confrontation with my parents in the morning.

"I told you, I had a naughty dream and after all that naked time..." She laughed quietly, threading her fingers through my sweaty hair and stretching to kiss me once more. "Would now be a bad time to suggest a second shower?"

"Well we didn't really take a shower the first time..."

"No. But that bath...I could do that again."

Her tone lowered, her voice husky as her eyes met mine. Her expression had grown serious, her hand dropping to run her fingers along my jaw. "I meant what I said. I'm in love with you. I think...I think I always have been, and I just didn't know it."

My heartbeat, which had been slowing, raced again. I swallowed hard, preparing myself to ask a question I needed the answer to. After the doubt and hesitation I had seen from Bella, her newfound assuredness had me puzzled. Only this morning I had felt the sting of her inability to return the sentiment, and though I'd tried to just accept her new attitude, curiosity was getting the better of me. "Can I ask what changed?"

She smiled, gently pushing me onto my side. She turned onto hers, one arm folded under her cheek as she leaned her forehead to mine. "It was just this whole day...when we were on the plane, I was so worried for you. I watched you sleep, and you were so restless. My heart ached for you. And yet the whole time we've been traveling, you've been so worried about me. You were so...that bath was so thoughtful, and relaxing, and...and I realized that everything I've felt for you, the way I need to be near you, the way I need you to sleep, that my life feels whole with you in it...that's love. This is so different from...before. I guess I just didn't realize that it could be like this." She took a deep breath, shifting closer to me. "Meeting your sister...I want everything with you, Edward. I want a life together. I can't explain to you why it's so easy for me all of a sudden...I can't explain to _myself_ why it's so easy all of a sudden. What I know is that I love you."

"I love you too," I said quietly, reaching for her hand and weaving our fingers together. She was right; it was sudden, but I was quickly finding that I'd been right when I'd thought about it earlier. I didn't care how she had gotten there. What mattered to me was that she had, and that seemed committed to me...to us. "God, it feels so good to say that."

"I know the last few weeks were hard on you, me not being able to say it back. And I can't apologize enough..." Her eyes darted away from mine, her teeth gnawing on her lip.

"Don't you dare apologize," I quickly told her, anxious to send her insecurity away. I kissed her lightly, pulling her body close until she was flush with me. "I love you just the way you are. I wish you were meeting my family under better circumstances, but I'm so glad you're here with me, for this. Alice started talking earlier about family holidays, and all I could think to myself was how I wanted you to be a part of that. I want all those things, Bella. Family. Holidays. I want to take you to Forks so I can show you all the hidden, beautiful places Washington has to offer. I want to go to the desert with you, and kiss you while the sun sets."

"I didn't think I'd ever get to have this," Bella whispered, her voice thick. When my eyes met hers, I could see the hint of tears there. "I never thought...thank you, Edward, for everything you've brought into my life. I know it's taken me a long time to get here, but I swear I'm all in now. I want this. I want you."

I sighed, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Bella, I love you like I've never loved anyone else, and I don't want anyone but you. When we get back to New York, I want you to think about moving in with me," I blurted out, unable to stop myself. I was too content with Bella in my arms, too wrapped up in the glow of her admission. I didn't want to be away from her anymore than I had to once we returned to New York. "I can't stand being away from you, and you spend so much time with me anyway..."

"Edward, I want to say yes. I really do. But there are some things we should talk about before I move in. You're right, though...I don't want to be apart from you."

"You think it's too soon?" I searched her eyes for any sign of alarm, nervous. I wanted to entwine my life with Bella's as much as I could. And I wanted to know that no matter what, she was coming home to me at the end of the night.

"No, I don't. It's not that. There are just some things we need to talk about before we start packing anything. But I'd have a condition."

"Name it."

"I want you to go back to school."

_Are her and Alice mind-readers? Do we really need to get into this school shit again? _I opened my mouth to protest, but she silenced me with a finger to my lips.

"Edward, you miss it. I know you do. In some ways, I'm glad you left NYU when you did, because it brought you to me. But being a bartender isn't the life you want for yourself. I know it, you know it. I want you to be happy, and as much as I love having you in the bar with me all the time, I know you'd be happier buried in a stack of books. If I'm wrong, and you really don't want to go back, then tell me. But I don't think I'm wrong."

I was silent for a long moment, searching for the right words. Bella had shocked me for the second time in twenty-four hours, her love evident in every word. I had been thinking about going back to school for a while, wondering how I could make it work without going back to my parents for money. Maybe Alice was right, and they would welcome me back with open arms; maybe I'd get all my credit cards back. Maybe I'd be able to afford a nicer apartment that Bella and I could move into together, but staring into Bella's warm eyes, I knew she didn't care either way.

"I love you," I finally said, pressing my lips to hers gently. I buried my face in her hair, breathing in the scent of her skin as I crushed her to me. "You're everything to me. I don't know what I did to deserve you. I'll get in contact with NYU when we get home and see if they'll let me come back. But I do have a request of my own..."

"Oh?"

"Yes. When you hire my replacement, can you please hire a woman?"

"Can't handle the competition?" she asked playfully. I grinned, happy to leave the serious conversation behind. "Jealous?"

"Of course," I answered honestly, running my free hand through her hair. "I mean, the last time you hired a male bartender, you ended up screwing him on the bar..."

Bella narrowed her eyes at me, but she couldn't hold back the laughter. "I think he liked it."

"I did." I turned serious again, memories of that night flooding back. "I'm also really glad we got through that in one piece."

"Me too." Bella sighed, stretching languidly before pressing a quick kiss to me lips. "Now I actually am tired again. Do we have enough time to go back to sleep?"

"Yeah. Alice wants to do a late dinner and then drinks. We're going to meet her new boyfriend. She says I have to be nice," I grumbled.

"And I say so too." Bella nuzzled her lips to my neck, pushing me back against the mattress as she wrapped an arm around my waist. We were asleep in minutes.

Bella and I slept for hours, and when I awoke to Alice's gentle knock on the door, I was actually looking forward to our night. Bella and I took quick showers—separately, to ensure we actually got ready on time—and left for dinner with my sister in a good mood.

Bella looked amazing. With most of our time spent in the bar or my apartment, I'd never seen her dressed up. She had done her hair in loose curls, with smoky makeup that somehow made her eyes look even sexier. Her dress was black, short, and skintight, accented by a pair of towering heels. I didn't complain as I eyed her shapely legs and swaying hips.

Alice, unfortunately, was similarly attired. Her dress was just as short and tight as Bella's, and it took all of my self-control not to beg her to change. I knew it was stupid; Alice was an adult, and I had no business policing her, even if I would always think of her as my baby sister. So when Alice asked me how she looked, I told her what she wanted to hear—not that it was a lie to tell Alice she was beautiful. She was my sister. Of course she was beautiful.

We sat outside at one of the neighborhood restaurants, heat lamps warding off the chill of the night. I wished I had thought to grab my jacket for Bella, but she seemed warm enough as she sipped her wine and chatted away with my sister about New York.

By the time we made it to the bar Alice had picked, I'd had a few beers and was in a good mood. It was great to spend time with my sister, and I loved that she and Bella were getting along so well. I thought about inviting Alice back East for a long weekend, and showing her my favorite places in the city with Bella at my side. Alice and I had been to New York with our parents as kids, but we had been too young to appreciate just how good a New York bagel was, or how the pizza just tasted better, even from the crappy take out places. I wanted Alice to see my life in New York wasn't the abysmal failure both she and my parents seemed to have decided it was.

Alice's boyfriend was waiting for us inside the club, having claimed a table with several plush benches surrounding it. I didn't bother asking how he'd gotten such a good table; with Alice involved, I knew she had probably found a way to pull strings.

He wasn't what I had expected. Alice had told us he was from Texas, but he looked like he belonged in Los Angeles. His blond hair fell to just above his chin, and his skin was deeply tanned. But when he opened his mouth, there was no mistaking the accent.

"Edward! Hey, man, it's great to finally meet you," he enthused, pulling me into a quick half-hug in greeting. I noticed the way his arm instantly went around Alice's waist, and I tightened my grip on Bella. He was holding Alice with the same possessiveness I held Bella. I didn't like it.

"Nice to meet you, too," I replied, unsure what else I could say. I didn't get the impression it would go over well with Alice if I told him what I was really thinking.

_Hi, Jasper, nice to meet you too. Alice has only just mentioned you to me today, and by the looks of things, you've been around for much longer than that. But I don't know you, so get your paws off my sister!_

I sighed, glancing around the dark club. I needed another drink, and I remembered Alice's request from earlier. "Hey, Jasper, let me buy you a beer. You ladies want anything?" I asked, remaining standing as Bella sank down onto one of the benches.

"Edward, a waitress will come around. You don't have to go down to the bar," Alice told me with a wave of her hand, motioning toward a girl in a tiny black mini-skirt and matching tube top. I shrugged, eyeing how busy the club was before taking a step away. "I don't mind. What do you want?" I waited only long enough for them to begrudgingly tell me what they wanted before starting for the bar.

I returned a short while later, carefully balancing the girls' drinks in one hand, mine and Jasper's beers in the other. "We're not working tonight, you know," Bella said in my ear as I handed over her drink, a small smile playing on her lips. "Tonight, we're having fun with your sister."

"I know." I turned back to Alice and Jasper, winding my fingers through Bella's as I sat pressed close to her. I knew we weren't kids anymore; I had no right to feel the way I did about Jasper's hand on my sister's thigh. I was just going to have to get over it.

"Is he always like this these days?" Alice asked, her question directed at Bella. "Can't stop working?"

Bella smiled up at me, squeezing my hand reassuringly. "Edward works harder than a lot of people I know." I didn't miss the way her eyes returned to Alice to punctuate the words with a stare.

"Alice said you're a bartender?" Jasper asked, holding up his Budweiser. "I know there's a lot of other beers out there, but I like to stick with the American stuff."

"Eh, I'm normally more of a whiskey guy myself, but I figured it'd be good to pace the drinks out. Alice seems to think we're going to be here for awhile." I gestured to my sister, who was all smiles. She sipped from her drink, smiling conspiratorially at Bella. "Oh, c'mon, Edward, when's the last time you just went out and had fun? Bella's right. You're not working tonight."

"Your sister makes a good point, Edward. C'mon, this is the first night we've had out together."

"What?" Alice demanded, her eyes narrowing at me. "You've never been out together before? You've never taken her out on a date? What's wrong with you?"

I sighed, looking from Bella, to my sister, and back again. "Alice, we work in a bar. Going out to another bar on our down time—which is rare—isn't our idea of a good time. I like being able to relax at home." I took a sip of my beer, glancing down at Bella's exposed legs. "But Bella does look amazing tonight."

"Both of them are just gorgeous. We got lucky," Jasper chimed in, tipping his beer toward me. "To the beautiful women in our lives." Alice stared up at him as we drank, her eyes bright with happiness. She leaned up to whisper in his ear, her lips brushing his cheek as she pulled away. I looked down to Bella, letting her hand go to wrap my arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.

I wasn't sure how, but my life had gone from being a fractured shambles to filled with love in the matter of only a few weeks. I couldn't stop my lips from curling into a drunken grin. I had Bella, and I had my sister; they were the most important women in my life, and both were happy and healthy.

_Through all the windows, I only see infinity, _I thought to myself, taking a long drink from my beer as I held Bella to me.

* * *

AN: Edward is quoting from "House of Leaves" which is a great book if you can get through it. Oh, and because I forgot last chapter, Edward was quoting from "The Raven" but to be fair, that one was pretty obvious.

Many thanks to Bookgeek80 & the pre-readers for helping me sort this chapter out. Stupid characters tried to run away with me!

Voting is now open for the Love Lost Anonymous Contest! I have an entry there, so go see if you can guess which is mine (and vote for it, of course!)

www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2458839/Love_Lost_Contest


	17. 17 Battle Scars

Note from me at the bottom. It's been too long to babble on up here. Usual disclaimer required: Bella and Edward don't belong to me, but the writing does. Please to not be stealing.

17. Battle Scars

* * *

Overnight, someone had turned my tongue to sandpaper.

It was either that, or I had gotten shit faced with my sister's new boyfriend. The taste of sour alcohol and stale cigarettes seemed to point to the latter.

"Edward?" Bella asked tentatively, her cool fingers resting on my cheek. There was a hint of amusement in her voice, and she didn't sound anything like how I felt. I cracked open one eye, then immediately shut it with a groan. She didn't look anything like how I felt either, her eyes bright and skin nearly glowing.

Her lips brushed across my closed eyes, soft as petals. "You okay? I can get up and make coffee."

"No," I muttered, tightening my grip on her waist. I pulled her down against me, her warm body the only comfort for the pervasive ache that filled me. I felt like I'd been left out in the middle of the freeway for the night, target practice for Mack trucks. "Don't go. Stay right here with me."

"Alice's graduation is in a few hours. You have to get up soon," she said gently. Her fingers ran through my hair, her nails lightly scraping my scalp. It felt heavenly. "You going to be okay by then?"

"No." I groaned again, squeezing my eyes shut tighter as a wave of nausea hit me. _Doing shots with Jasper seemed like such a good idea last night. Why didn't anyone stop me? _

"Why didn't you stop me?" I asked aloud, trying to take a deep breath without throwing up. "It seemed like such a good idea..."

"You and Jasper were in competitive guy mode. Alice and I wanted no part of that." Bella was definitely laughing now as vague memories danced around the edges of my foggy brain. "I mean, honestly, why don't men just compare dick sizes when they meet? It'd make things easier."

"Bella!" I protested, momentarily shocked by her crudeness. I'd forgotten that my girlfriend Bella had been – and was still – Bella the dive bar owner. "I'd win," I grumbled over her laughter, wrapping my other arm around her to pull her closer.

"You sure about that?"

My eyes snapped open, blinking in the glare of the light. Bella was watching me, her lips curled up into a grin and her eyes dancing with amusement. She trailed one finger down my chest, tracing idle patterns over my skin. "I mean, you made me all sorts of promises last night and then..." She trailed off with a sigh, her touch stilling before she got below my belly button. "Nada."

"You're killing me," I moaned, closing my eyes again. "If you had any idea how badly...that dress and those shoes...promise me you'll wear them again in New York. And I promise to be sober enough to show you just how much I appreciate the way you look in them."

I braved the light of the room to sneak a peek at her, a small part of me afraid she was actually upset I'd been too drunk to walk on my own—never mind fulfill any of the broken promises I'd made throughout the night. "You mad?"

"Mad?" Her eyebrows pulled together in what appeared to be genuine puzzlement. "Why would I be mad?"

"Well, I...last night..."

She laughed quietly, stretching to press her lips to my neck. "I'm not mad. A bit wound up after all those promises, but no, not mad." She arched an eyebrow at me as she pulled back, adding on, "Besides, I figure this epic hangover you've got going on is punishment enough."

"Don't remind me," I mumbled. "Go back to sleep with me. Just another hour. Then we'll get up and go to Alice's graduation and...oh shit."

"What?"

"My parents!" My eyes snapped open, my heart beginning to race in panic. The light of the room blinded me instantly, and I squeezed my eyes shut again, holding my stomach to keep the nausea at bay. "Shit, shit, shit! Bella, I can't show up hungover like this in front of my parents!"

"Little too late for that, don't you think?"

"But...fuck! What do I do?"

"Get a time machine, go back to last night, not do shots with Jasper until three in the morning."

"That's not funny."

"I didn't make you drink last night."

"You didn't stop me!"

"Edward," Bella began, her tone turning dangerously sharp. All traces of amusement were gone. "I am not your mother or your minder. You knew you had to go to Alice's graduation today. You chose to drink the way you did." She sighed, her soft touch running down my jaw again. "You sure you don't want that coffee?"

I forced my eyes open, ignoring the spinning sensation. "Sorry," I muttered sheepishly, cupping her cheek in one palm. "You're right. It's my own stupid fault. And coffee would be great. Have I told you that you're the best girlfriend?"

"Last night you told me several times."

"Okay, well I'm telling you again. You're the best girlfriend. And I love you."

She shook her head at me as she pulled away, an indulgent smirk on her lips. "I love you too," she replied, dropping a quick kiss on my cheek before getting out of bed. I watched her pad to the door, her lean legs exposed by her shorts. Waking up with Bella naked was better, but those shorts were almost as good.

I closed my eyes as the door clicked shut, trying to ignore the dread welling up in the pit of my stomach. Having Bella beside me made everything easier, including keeping my anxiety under control. Without her, I felt like I was drowning in a stormy sea of my own making.

_Stupid bar. Stupid alcohol. Stupid Jasper. Stupid ego. _

I kept cursing myself as I lay in bed, fighting the urge to run to the bathroom. Bella would bring coffee, and water, and hopefully some toast. My stomach would settle, and hopefully, by the time I had to deal with my parents, I would be presentable.

That was the goal, anyway.

By the time I was sitting in a folding chair on an expansive piece of lawn in the middle of the UCLA campus, I had at long last managed to stop fighting wave after wave of nausea. I was still exhausted, and my entire body hurt, but I was in my seat, wearing a suit and tie Alice had picked out, with Bella by my side.

Alice had loaned Bella a dress for the occasion, and she looked beautiful in the light blue sundress. The color shone against her skin, and the short hemline allowed me to use the tantalizing sight of her legs as a distraction from the crushing anxiety building in my chest.

I knew my parents were around somewhere, but the crowd was large enough I hoped to avoid them until after the ceremony. The entire thing would run over an hour, and I didn't want to spend that hour sitting under my father's glare. As much as possible, I wanted to just be happy for Alice on her day.

"Do you think we could just sneak out after the ceremony?" I asked quietly, my eyes avoiding Bella's as I nervously looked around the crowd. "You can meet my parents another time."

"Don't you even think about it."

"But, this is Alice's day, and this should be about her. I don't want..."

"No excuses," Bella said simply, her tone firm. She squeezed my hand in reassurance, turning in her seat to face me. She pulled her sunglasses down her nose, focusing her intense stare on my eyes. "Edward, it's going to be fine. I'm here. If it's too much, if it gets too bad, I promise you we can leave. But you flew all the way out here, and Alice asked you to try. So you're going to try."

"Yes, ma'am," I replied with a quiet chuckle, squeezing her hand back. She shot me a dirty look and a smirk before pushing her sunglasses back into place. As the stragglers took their seats and music began to play, I settled back into my chair, one arm draped across the back of Bella's shoulders. Despite the warmth of the morning sunlight, Bella snuggled up to me. The even rhythm of her breathing kept me grounded as my heart thudded in my chest, each minute bringing me closer to what I'd been dreading for years.

The ceremony was over before I knew it. We were far enough back from the stage that I only caught a glimpse of Alice's petite figure crossing the stage in unnaturally high heels, but I was damned proud of my baby sister. I clapped as loudly as I could.

As the crowd began to break apart, the nausea came rushing back. This time I suspected it had a great deal more to do with my nerves than the alcohol I'd had the night before, but it didn't help matters. I unsteadily followed the rest of the crowd, counting on Bella to get us to where Alice had said to meet.

I spotted my parents while we were still too far away for them to have noticed us. My mom was smiling so hard I thought she'd never lose the happiness of her expression; my father looked relaxed, laughing at something my mom had just said to him. I watched as Alice came rushing toward them, tugging Jasper along with her. She threw her arms around my dad, and then my mom, her lips moving as she undoubtedly talked a mile a minute. Jasper hung back a little, looking a bit sheepish as Alice dragged him forward.

"Edward?" Bella asked quietly, watching my face as I stood frozen. They still hadn't noticed us, and I was beginning to have serious doubts about keeping my word to Alice.

"They look so happy," I whispered, unable to tear my eyes away from my family. My dad was shaking Jasper's hand and talking animatedly. "I'm going to ruin it."

Bella sighed, standing in front of me. By forcing my gaze down to her, she effectively blocked the sight of my family from me. "Edward, listen to me. Alice wanted you to be here. I'm here. She's here. You are an amazing man with a wonderful heart; you've made me feel alive, truly alive, for perhaps the first time since my mom died. They don't know the man I fell in love with. And if your parents don't recognize that you've changed, and that you're this amazing person now...fuck 'em. We'll go back to New York and our life there." Bella punctuated her words with a gentle kiss, her lips soft on mine. "Now, let's get this over with."

"Edward!" Alice squealed once she spotted us, rushing forward to throw her arms around me. "I'm so glad you stayed!"

"Of course I stayed. Congrats, Alice." I took a deep breath, looking over Alice's shoulder to where my parents waited. My mom's expression was heartbreakingly hopeful, but it looked as though a storm cloud had gathered in my dad's eyes. His own jubilant expression had morphed into an unreadable mask of tension.

"Edward..." My mom's voice broke, her eyes shining with tears, but my appearance had done nothing to her smile. For that, I was grateful. I didn't bother looking back to my father; I knew I would find no welcome there.

"Hi, Mom...Dad," I mumbled nervously, gripping Bella's fingers so hard I was half-afraid I was hurting her. I forced myself to relax as she stood by my side, fighting to draw strength from her presence. "This is my girlfriend, Bella."

"It's so nice to meet you," Bella said politely, extending a hand toward my mother, who was closer. That was apparently all the introduction my mom needed, throwing her arms around us both.

"I'm so happy you came," she whispered in my ear, pulling back to take a closer look at Bella. "And you brought this lovely young woman with you. It's nice to meet you, too, Bella. Are you staying in LA long?"

"We have to get back to work," I quickly answered, glancing down at Bella. Our flight left early the next morning, which had been planned both to get us back to the bar, and as an automatic escape route. "Bella owns the bar we work at."

"We run it together," Bella added, smiling up at me. She took a step closer, wrapping her arm around my waist. I was sweating in the suit jacket, and my tie felt like it was suffocating me, but the comfort of her close helped slow my racing heart. I was so caught up in my own nerves I almost missed the glare Bella shot at my father's silent figure.

"How about you all come over to the apartment and we can catch up?" Alice suggested brightly, but her gaze jumped between my father and me. She held Jasper's hand tightly, and I could see the hint of tension in her shoulders as she waited for a reply. "Mom, you said you guys were flying back later in the week, right?"

"Yes, Alice, of course. We'll meet you there." My mom flashed a bright smile at Bella, pausing to look at me once more. "Edward, it's so good to see you. Please say you'll be at Alice's?"

"Bella and I are staying in Alice's guest room. We'll be there." I snuck a glance toward my father, but he was already walking away. _Great_, I thought, watching his retreating form. _This is going to go so well._

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Cullen!" Bella called after his back, her tone biting. She looked furious as I snuck a peek at her before turning my attention to my disappearing father. Her sudden outburst startled me, but I was too caught up in the moment to question her.

My mom's gaze followed mine, and her eyebrows knit together as my dad stalked off toward the parking lot. "He'll come around," she said gently, laying one hand on my arm before hurrying after him. Bella watched through narrowed eyes.

Hunter S. Thompson once said, "For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled." I felt it in that moment. The smile on my mother's face, Alice's exuberant happiness at the half a second she'd had her family together, they had cost me any chance I'd ever had at a soul. The look in my father's eyes had burned whatever had been left of me to ashes.

I turned away from the scene, my throat tightening. I wanted to scream, but I knew nothing more than a strangled cry would come out if I tried. Bella's grasp on my hand tightened, her support silent as I stared helplessly toward the parking lot. I could see my mother's hair shining in the sunlight at she hurried after my father, his gait proud and rigid.

"Edward!" Alice called after me as I started toward the rental car. "Edward, wait!" She hurried to catch up, her hand tightening painfully on my arm. When I looked down at her, her bright green eyes were flooded with worry and concern. "You're coming back, right? Please don't leave again. Dad...he's just...Mom has missed you. Please. For her. For me."

"I'm sorry," I choked out, shrugging off Alice as I hurried away toward the parking lot. The urge to run was there, and as Bella struggled to keep up with me in her heels, a part of me wanted to flee just like I had all those years ago. I didn't want to stay, and talk it out. I wanted to drive to the airport, get on the first flight to JFK, and never look back.

But I couldn't.

"Edward!" Bella shouted after me. She was standing in the grass, struggling to get her shoes off. With them in one hand, and her bare feet in the grass, she raced toward me. "Edward, look at me! Stop. Talk to me. Please. Just stop," she repeated, dropping her shoes at my feet. Her arms circled my neck, her body pressing to mine with familiar comfort. "Edward," she whispered, brushing the hair out of my eyes. The anger had melted away, and all I could see was her concern. "Please don't..."

"Bella, I don't think I can do this."

"You can. I'm here, Edward. I'm not going anywhere."

"I know, but did you see the way he looked at me? Or didn't..."

"Edward." Bella's fingers were splayed across my cheekbones, her eyes set with determination. "Do you want to go for a drive?" she asked softly, her fingers already in my jacket pocket. I heard the jingle of the keys as she fished them out, her eyes never leaving mine. "C'mon, we don't have to go right to Alice's. Your parents can wait. I read there's a reservoir up in the Hollywood Hills that's really peaceful..."

"Okay," I agreed, barely even hearing what she had said. I followed blindly behind her, dropping into the passenger seat as Bella slid behind the wheel. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realized I'd never been in a car with Bella driving before. I wondered what kind of driver she was. Then I wondered why the hell I cared what kind of driver Bella was—didn't I have more important things to worry about?

I stared out the window, watching the world whir by. I let my eyes become unfocused, staring blankly out the window and wishing I could blur my thoughts as easily. If only I did drugs—I could chalk the whole awful day up to a bad trip.

I shed my suit jacket as Bella drove, throwing it into the backseat. The tie went to join it. I unbuttoned my shirt, rolling up the sleeves as Bella cast worried glances out of the corner of her eye. I was still sweating, and my heart was beating loudly against my ribcage.

The words of Hunter S. Thompson came flooding back as we raced down the freeway_. __The Edge... There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. The others—the living—are those who pushed their luck as far as they felt they could handle it, and then pulled back, or slowed down, or did whatever they had to when it came time to choose between Now and Later. _

I was dangling my feet over the edge, and I was looking down. I'd stared over this edge once before, all those years ago in Forks. The urge to jump was as overwhelming now as it had been then.

"Bella, pull over," I demanded, breaking my gaze from where it had settled on the monotony of the white lines in the road. "Stop the car."

"Edward, I can't pull over here. There's too much traffic," she said gently, her hand finding mine. Her expression was one of barely controlled worry, her eyes darting over my face. "I'll take the next exit, okay?"

I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell her to pull over _right-fucking-now_ but the rational side of me knew this wasn't Bella's fault. This was my own fault. I was the one who couldn't handle his own life; I was the one having a panic attack over facing his own father. It was as if I was a teenager all over again, only this time it was worse—this time, Bella would bear witness.

Bella pulled off the highway, taking a few turns until we were in a residential neighborhood. Only then did she pull over, turning toward me as soon as she had turned the car off.

"Edward?"

"Bella, I can't do this."

"You can."

"No, I can't."

Bella sighed, reaching across the center console to run her fingers through my hair. "I love you. You're my entire life now, but so help me God, you are not running away from this. They're your family, Edward. I would give anything for my mom to be back in my life..."

"Please don't guilt me," I snapped, tearing my hands away from her. It was a selfish and stupid thing to say, but I couldn't stop myself from spitting it out.

"I'm not," she retorted, her tone sharp. It reminded me of how Bella used to talk to me before we'd started dating, with little to no patience. I knew I was pushing her, and it only added to the pressing guilt. I wished I could take the words back.

"Edward, this isn't a guilt trip. This is cold reality. You know what the last thing I told my mom was? I was mad at her for grounding me. I had snuck out with Rose to see a movie, a fucking movie, Edward, and she caught me. I told her that I wished she didn't exist. I told her that she was the most hypocritical, failure of a parent. The next day she was dead. Do you know how much I wish I could take that back, Edward? Do you have any idea what it feels like to apologize to a corpse?"

I glared at her, hating how her words made me feel stupid. I knew she wasn't going for that effect—Bella was just doing what she could to help. She had her own experience, horrific as it was, to draw on, and I couldn't blame her for it.

Plus, I knew in my heart that she was right. I needed to make it right with my father, for everyone's sake.

"Bella..." I protested weakly, feeling the fight go out of me. "Bella, I don't know...he's so mad. Still. It's been years..." I trailed off as I took in Bella's expression of barely disguised impatience. "We can go back," I finished, trying to keep the petulance out of my tone and failing miserably.

Bella nodded, wordlessly retracing her path back to the freeway. I gave directions numbly, slowly working our way back to Alice's apartment. By the time the white building loomed in front of me, I had managed to force my breathing back to a normal rate, though my heart continued to race. I was somewhat afraid I had bruised Bella's hand with my grip.

She was silent as we made our way into the building, her heels in one hand while the other gripped mine. I watched as she passed the keys to the valet, following as Bella pushed the button for the elevator.

I held my jacket numbly in one hand as I entered the elevator, trying to swallow the dread as the floors fell away.

"Edward!" Alice threw the door open as I went to knock, and I wondered if she had been watching the parking lot from her windows. She looked much more tired than she had barely an hour earlier at her graduation, and she had changed into jeans and a UCLA sweatshirt. A forced smile on her lips, she held my stare for a long moment. "I'm glad you came back. Jasper and I were just having a drink with Mom and Dad..." She trailed off, exchanging a long look with Bella. "Are you, um, are you coming in?"

I nodded, forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. I pretended not to see the worried look that passed from Bella to Alice, or the way my sister tried to be subtle, mouthing "Is he okay?" to Bella when she thought I wasn't paying attention.

I also pretended not to see that Bella shook her head ever so slightly in reply.

I walked into Alice's apartment without saying a word. Jasper opened his mouth to greet me, but said nothing as I brushed past him. I heard my mother's voice floating out from the direction of the balcony, but I didn't bother looking. I went straight to the guest bedroom and closed the door behind me.

Eyeing the closed door, I sank down on the edge of the bed, tossing my jacket down beside me. I pressed my knuckles to my temples, desperately trying to find the courage to go out and face my family. I half-expected Bella to come after me, but as the minutes dragged by, I began to think she wasn't coming. I frowned, glaring at the door and willing Bella to come walking through it, concern filling her eyes. I wanted her to come to my rescue like she always had; I wanted her to help me hold myself together.

But in the growing silence, I realized with a sinking feeling that Bella wasn't going to help me hide any more.

I lost track of time sitting there, waiting for the dread to pass. After a while, I realized it wasn't going to. With a sigh, I changed my clothes, pulling on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt before heading back out to Alice's living room.

It was empty.

"Alice?" I called, wondering where everyone had gone.

"She went out with the others for a walk," my dad replied, stepping in from the balcony. His features were drawn, his posture stiff. He hadn't changed from Alice's graduation, and still wore his tailored suit. Even his silvering hair was perfectly placed. His expression was dark as he finally looked me in the eye. "Your mother thought you and I should talk."

"Okay," I replied after a pause, awkwardly shoving my hands in my pockets. I desperately wanted a cigarette but I remembered how my father felt about smoking. He was being civil for the moment, and I wanted to keep that up. Maybe there was hope for us after all.

Carlisle sighed, turning to walk back out onto the balcony. He paused in the doorway, just long enough for me to realize he wanted me to follow him. He sank down onto one of Alice's deck chairs, his eyes fixed on the horizon.

We sat in silence, the tension growing. I wanted him to go first—I wanted to know what he had to say to me after calling me a failure and threatening me all those years ago. I didn't want to speak and give him the chance to tell me I was wrong before I even got my reasons out. Again.

"Your mother has missed you," he finally said, not lifting his gaze from the skyline. "Alice is really happy you came."

"I know," I replied automatically. "I've missed them too."

"I never wanted this."

"Neither did I."

I watched his hands tighten into fists from the corner of my eye, and swallowed the retort on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to tell him I wasn't the one who had started it—I wasn't the one who had called him stupid.

"Bella is a lovely girl," he said after a long pause, still not looking at me. "She seems to be doing well for herself."

"She is. Did she tell you she owns three bars?"

"Yes."

"Did she tell you she never went to college?"

That got his attention. He turned his steely gaze on me, his face flushing. "Yes, Edward, she did. She also told me about how hard she's had to work for her success."

"And I don't work hard?"

"You tell me, Edward. You're the one who dropped out of college."

"I'm not the same person I was three years ago."

"You seem awfully sure of that."

"I help Bella with the bar. She depends on me. She trusts me."

"So if you've taken an interest in business, go back to school. Get an MBA and do something useful with yourself."

"I don't want an MBA," I retorted through gritted teeth. My short, chewed fingernails bit into my palms as I fought for control of my temper. I wished for Bella and hoped she would return soon. I was getting nowhere with my father, and it seemed the entire conversation was a lost cause.

"What do you want, Edward?" my father finally asked, throwing up his hands. He turned away from me again, watching a seagull float along on the afternoon breeze.

"Nothing from you."

Carlisle nodded, but didn't look at me. "So you intend to return to New York with Bella?"

"Yes."

"Your mother wants to give you back your credit cards. We haven't sold your cars, either. She thinks you would like it if we shipped them to you. Is that what you want?"

"I don't need your money. I'm doing fine on my own."

Carlisle's mouth formed a hard line, and he shook his head slightly. "Alice has told your mom and I about your apartment. If you're determined to stay in New York, there are safer neighborhoods. Your mother—"

"You keep going on about Mom," I cut in, my temper finally getting the better of me. "Do you have anything to say, Dad? Anything at all?"

He was silent for a long moment before turning backing to me, a sudden flood of emotions in his eyes. "Edward, I want what any parent wants for their child. I want you to be happy."

"Even if that means I never go back to college?" I asked, ignoring the fact that I was planning to return. He didn't need to know that—I didn't want my father to be back in my life based upon him getting his way. I wanted him to accept me as I was, with the choices I was willing to make for myself.

"Yes," he answered quietly, looking away from me again. He suddenly seemed very tired. "Life's too short, Edward. Your mother and I only want the best for you. I would prefer you go back to school—you've always been very bright, and there was a time you enjoyed learning. But if you don't..." He shrugged, the hint of a smile pulling at his lips. "Well, Bella seems like she might keep you in line." His tone made me wonder if Bella had said something to him, beyond her outburst after the ceremony earlier.

"She's amazing, Dad. I've never felt this way before," I admitted, unable to keep the warmth out of my voice. I didn't want to be having a heart-to-heart with my dad about Bella, not yet anyway. I felt like he didn't deserve to know her—like he didn't deserve to just be welcomed back into my life so easily.

"Your mother likes her. Alice likes her." He paused, as if weighing the words. "The two of you are welcome in Forks anytime, Edward."

I didn't say anything right away, the echo of his words ringing in my ears. I remembered him telling me not to bother ever coming back to Forks all those years ago; I remembered the look of disappointment in his eyes as he'd told me I'd failed him.

"Bella has said she'd like to see Forks," I finally replied, fighting to keep my voice level. My father hadn't apologized for anything he'd said to me, and I was beginning to think he wasn't going to. Maybe the invitation was his own way of apologizing—maybe the gaping wound in our family was finally starting to heal. We were a long way off from our evenings on the porch in Forks, but maybe, just maybe, we could get there again one day.

"Your mother would love it if you would come for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year."

"Maybe. I'd have to talk to Bella and see what she wants to do. She just has her dad now..." I trailed off, the guilt weighing heavily on me again from Bella's admonition earlier. She had been right, no matter how brutal the truth had been.

"Where's her mom?"

"Bella's mom was murdered when she was a kid," I said quietly, picking at a patch of dry skin. "She doesn't have any siblings."

Carlisle's expression became unreadable as he turned back to me. He sighed, getting to his feet. "Your sister will be back soon." He put one hand on my shoulder, looking down into my eyes. His were filled with emotion, his jaw finally relaxing out of the tense lock it had been in most of the afternoon. "I'm sorry, Edward, for what I said to you that day. You're right. You're not the same person. You've done a lot of growing up."

He didn't wait for a reply, instead walking into Alice's apartment as I heard the door opening. I could hear Bella's laugh and my sister's voice, chattering away a mile a minute. I smiled to myself, staring out at the horizon for another long moment before getting up to join my family.

* * *

AN: If you're still with me, hurray! Sorry about the wait—RL has been a bitch. The good news is that the next chapter is already written, so it shouldn't take nearly as long to get it up. The semester coming to an end is also helpful.

Mucho thanks to the beta & prereaders for being amazing and sticking with it.

Edward's quotes are various Hunter S. Thompson lines.

Leave me some love!


	18. 18 Rooftops

Disclaimer: I don't own a fancy Los Angeles apartment or Bella and Edward.

18. Rooftops

* * *

My parents stayed at Alice's well into the evening. I felt awkward at first, sitting beside Bella with one arm draped across her shoulders in Alice's living room. It wasn't being near Bella—that was the only thing saving me as the night wore on. It was more sitting amongst my family as if everything was back to normal. I couldn't help but wonder, how did we go back to normal? Was there any going back? Bella's gentle touch, her thumb on my palm, her absently playing with the short hairs on the back of my neck...that was what eventually allowed me to relax.

Bella took to my mom instantly, and it made me love her all the more. My mom had never liked Jessica—Jessica had never made an effort to get to know my family. But Bella, Bella jumped right into the conversation. Alice must have told my mom about Bella's family history, as I noticed my mother was careful not to ask about it. Instead, they talked about the bars, which led into a conversation about her love of cooking. I got plenty of teasing when they got onto that topic, Bella regaling my parents with stories of my pathetic cooking attempts.

But what really changed the mood was the way in which Bella spoke about me, no holds barred. I could tell she was picking and choosing her words carefully, and there were times when she would hold my father's stare, as if challenging him to contradict her.

My mother had asked how we had met, her not-so-subtle way of discovering what had happened to Jessica. Bella had laughed, launching into the story of my interview. She admitted to them, with a twinkle in her eye, that she'd had her doubts I would work out—I had seemed hopeless at times. But her tone changed as she went on, rather fiercely recounting how she had come to rely on me with the bar. She told them things she had never verbalized to me before, about trusting me in the bar, about how much she valued my ability to calmly deal with a rowdy room full of drunks.

She even eventually brought a smile to my father's face.

Before they left, my mother had extended a formal invitation to us to join them for the holidays. Bella's face had flushed, but her smile didn't reach her eyes—trouble lurked there. I had dismissed it in the moment, not wanting to pester her in front of everyone, but made a note to ask her about it. Something was off.

After my parents left, Alice and Jasper suggested a game of cards and we settled in at Alice's kitchen table, drinking beer and laughing. It might have been the alcohol, or maybe the happy flush to Bella's cheeks, or maybe it was just getting a tiny bit of resolution with my family, but I felt happy.

Which was why I couldn't understand the anxiety that reared its ugly head as soon as Bella closed the bedroom door behind us.

"What's wrong?" she asked quietly, looping her arms around my neck. "Something's been off with you all night." One of her hands gently rubbed the back of my neck, but her brow was furrowed. I tried to shrug her off, but her grip only tightened. I thought I'd been fine until we had come into the bedroom—Bella didn't seem to agree.

"Nothing," I muttered eventually, leaning down to kiss her. She didn't respond immediately and gently pushed me away after a moment.

"Edward..." I could hear the warning in her tone. "C'mon, this is me. What's wrong? I thought that went well, all things considered. Did your dad say something to you earlier when we left? I haven't had a chance to ask..."

"I don't want to talk about it," I interrupted her interrogation, my tone harsher than I'd meant it to be. I avoided looking at her, instead staring at the blank white wall behind her. "I'm sorry, Bella. I just have this...off...feeling."

She pursed her lips, eyeing me for a long moment before speaking. "How about a bath?" she finally suggested, trailing one of her hands down my chest. "Maybe it'll help you relax?"

I shook my head, forcing a smile. The thought of sharing a bath with Bella was tempting, but my mind was too scattered to be calm. "No, but you go ahead. I need some air."

"I'll come with you."

I took a deep breath, trying to find the right words. "Bella, I think I just need to be alone."

Hurt flooded her features. She nodded, taking a step back. "Okay, if that's what you think is best." Her tone was stiff, and I could see her struggling with her emotions. She turned away from me, heading toward the bathroom.

"Bella," I called after her, my chest aching with the pain I saw on her face. I waited until she turned back to me, leaning against the doorframe. I was struggling to make her understand, but I had to try. It was nothing to do with Bella—it was my history of fucking things up when they got hard. I needed to be alone to get my head on straight, before I said something to Bella I didn't mean. "Bella, I'm sorry. I love you."

"I love you, too," she said quietly before slipping into the bathroom. The door closed behind her with a soft click. I sighed, sagging back against the wall. I wanted to go to her; I wanted to gather her up in my arms and tell her what was bothering me.

But I still couldn't put my finger on it. I'd be useless until I did—trying to talk about it would only make me irritable.

Frustrated with myself, I grabbed my cigarettes and headed for the roof. Alice had been going on about the pool up there, and I figured at this time of night it would be deserted. Moving quickly and quietly to avoid alerting her or Jasper to my escape, I hurried out of the apartment and into an elevator.

The elevator was silent, a hush I would have normally welcomed against the typical awful music. But the silence weighed on me, making me feel like I was going stir crazy. The mutterings of Gonzo barreled through my thoughts as I waited impatiently for the floors to drop away as the elevator climbed.

_The room was very quiet. I walked over to the TV set and turned it on to a dead channel-white noise at maximum decibels, a fine sound for sleeping, a powerful continuous hiss to drown out everything strange._

Yes, that was what I needed. Background noise. Something to drown out my thoughts. Thankfully, as I stepped out onto the roof, the hum of traffic filled the night air. The buzz of the freeway could be heard, and I breathed a sigh of relief as the white noise took over. I dropped onto a chair, lighting a cigarette and staring into the empty pool. The water lapped against the concrete rim, yet another noise to add to the soundtrack of the night.

I chain smoked, trying to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of my mind.

"What's wrong with you?" I muttered to myself, staring up at the night sky. It was much like the New York sky, tinted orange with the glow of the city lights. The fog had rolled in from the coast, creating a murky feel. I wished we were back in New York already—Los Angeles just didn't feel as real. It didn't feel like home.

It had been a relatively good day, all things considered. My sister had graduated. My mother had almost cried with happiness at seeing me. Bella was accepted, and liked, by my entire family. My father, in his own stoic way, had made his apologies.

I had even regained access to the family fortune. My mother had pressed a black credit card into my palm shortly before leaving. As she'd hugged me goodbye, she had asked me to consider moving to a better neighborhood. She had even offered to fly back east to help me look.

I had neglected to tell Bella that part of the story.

"You're a fucking idiot," I told myself, stabbing out one cigarette to light another. My throat was beginning to burn with the constant stream of smoke, and I squeezed my eyes shut as the wind blew the smoke into my eyes. I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts, powerless to pull myself out of the spinning spiral of self-doubt and misery.

That was my problem. I didn't want things to change between Bella and me, but I didn't see how they could stay the same. I could reject my parents' money—cut up the credit card and never use it. But I didn't want to. I wanted, selfishly, materialistically, the nicer things in life back. I wanted to shower Bella with gifts and vacations; I wanted to take care of her.

But Bella wasn't the type of woman to simply quit her job and let me take care of her—and in my heart, I didn't want her to. I loved Bella just the way she was, but I was having a hard time reconciling her fierce independence with my newfound desire to provide for her.

"Fuck," I cursed under my breath. I ground out the cigarette and shoved my hands into my hair, wondering how it was that I had managed to turn good news into bad news. "It wasn't supposed to be like this," I mumbled into my chest, curling my fingers into fists.

"Edward?" Bella's voice carried across the open roof, and I snapped my head up to see her tentatively standing just outside the door. Her hair was wet and hung loosely around her shoulders. She was wearing one of my T-shirts and a pair of shorts, her smooth legs gleaming in the dim light.

She was beautiful, and I was terrified I was about to lose her. Bella had spent years not taking my shit. After my behavior in the last twenty-four hours, I was surprised she was even talking to me. It would serve me right if she walked away.

"Hi," I choked out hoarsely, unable to tear my eyes away from her as she walked around the pool toward me. Bella wasn't walking away—she was purposefully making her way towards me.

"Hey..." Her eyes were clouded with worry as she stopped in front of me, sliding one arm around my shoulders. She silently pushed me back on the lounge chair, settling onto my lap. "Edward, talk to me, please..."

"I don't deserve you," I whispered, staring over her shoulder at the light blue water. Underwater lights made the pool glow in the dark night. It would have been romantic if not for the sinking feeling in my gut. I was expecting her to agree with me, or if nothing else, remain silent.

"I said that to you once. You got really angry with me." Bella's voice was thick with emotion, and when I finally turned back to her, her eyes shone with tears. She smiled, brushing her thumb across my lips and running her other hand through my hair. "I'm pretty sure you told me to never say it again."

"That's different," I managed to say, looking away again. I couldn't stand the sight of tears in her eyes.

"How?"

I stared up into her beautiful brown eyes filled with love. "You're better than me, Bella. You always have been," I whispered, burying my face in the crook of her neck. I took a deep breath, trying to fill my senses with her scent. Her wet hair soaked my T-shirt, but I didn't care. I circled my arms around her waist, pulling her tightly to me.

"Edward, you're starting to scare me. What's wrong?"

"I don't want to lose you."

"Who said anything about losing me?" she demanded, her tone sharp before she continued. "Edward, your mom just invited us to Forks for the holidays. That's months away, and I have no doubt we'll be there. Or at least, I didn't..." She broke off, her voice faltering.

I pulled back abruptly. "What about Charlie?"

Bella shrugged, and it was her turn to look away. "Edward, I haven't spent the holidays with Charlie in a few years. We talk, but that's it. I don't like going to Phoenix...and he doesn't like New York. Charlie isn't really a big city kind of guy."

"But he lives in Phoenix?"

"We lived in a small town outside of Phoenix, not in the city proper. And Phoenix is no New York," Bella added wryly. A tiny smiled played across her lips for a moment before her frown reappeared. "I want to be with you. I want a nice, normal family holiday. I never had that."

"Because of your mom?" I asked carefully, brushing her hair back from her face. She shivered, and I pulled her closer, afraid the cool night was too much for her in the shorts.

"No, Edward. Even when my mom was...alive, it wasn't... My mom was a terrible cook. She nearly burned the house down a few times, and Charlie was a cop, so he usually had to work. Or he chose to work, I'm not really sure. I usually stuck around long enough to eat and then went to Rose's. We'd stay up eating her mom's cookies, and when we got older, drinking. The holidays were never really...I'd like to have a real holiday, Edward. With you."

She leaned forward, pressing a kiss to my lips. Her arms wound around my neck again, and she pulled herself to me. I buried my face in her hair, tightening my hold on her. "I want that too," I murmured. "God, Bella, I can't tell you how I want that."

"Will you please tell me what's wrong, then?" she asked after a long pause. She didn't lift her cheek from my shoulder, her fingers still lightly twisting through my hair. Her nails scratched against my scalp, and I felt a wave of relaxation coming over me.

"I don't want things to change," I finally admitted, running my hands up under her T-shirt. I craved the feel of her skin, her warmth, and I pressed my palms flat to the small of her back. My hands must have been cold because she shivered, a small gasp escaping her lips.

"No, it's fine," she protested when I began to pull my hands away. "Your hands are cold, that's all. They'll warm up in a minute." She sighed, leaning back to look at me. "Why do you think things are going to change?"

"My mom gave me back my credit card," I mumbled.

"So?"

"She wants me to move."

"And?"

"Bella, I like our life. I like walking home with you at night."

"I'm not following."

"Money changes things. Are you still going to want me if I have an apartment by NYU, when we can't walk home together? Are you still going to want to be with me if I'm driving a sixty-thousand dollar car?"

"Are you going to drive the way you did when we got here?"

I couldn't help but smile, but it was short-lived. "Bella, I'm serious."

"So am I. Edward, I could have a sixty-thousand dollar car if I wanted one. The bars are doing really well. I could have a lot of things. They're not important to me. I live above the bar because it's convenient."

"You live above the bar? I thought Rich lived above the bar?"

"He does. On the second floor. I live on the third."

"How come you've never told me? Why do you always come to my place? That night in the snow..."

"There's some things I still haven't told you. I promise, Edward, when we get back to Brooklyn, I'll tell you everything. I know it's not fair that I haven't been completely open about my past with you, but before...I couldn't."

"So tell me now."

"No, Edward. Right now, you need to tell me why you think a credit card and a fancy car are going to drive me away. I told you at JFK—I don't care about the money."

"And you're not going to get upset if I buy you gifts? Or try to spend money on you? Or buy first class plane tickets to go to Washington in the fall?"

Bella sighed, and I tried to pull away. "Stop, please," she said softly, shifting her weight on my lap until she was straddling me. She lowered her hands to my shoulders, gripping tightly. "Listen to me. I don't like you spending money on me, because I just don't think it's necessary to spend three times as much on a plane ticket as you need to. And I'll tell you right now, I don't appreciate being bought a gift to fix a screw up. I watched Rose's dad do that to her our entire lives. I care about how you feel, and how you treat me. I don't give a shit what car you're driving, or what street you choose to live on. Yes, I'll miss our walks home, but our relationship isn't built on a three-block walk."

"Bella..."

"Edward, are you breaking up with me?" she demanded, her voice cracking. "Because if you are, please just..."

"No!" I shouted, and then repeated again, more calmly, "No, Bella, for fuck's sake, where did you get that from? I'm terrified of losing you!"

"You're up here, acting like the world has come to an end. You won't talk to me. You ran out of the apartment. What the hell am I supposed to think?"

An angry retort rose on my lips, but I swallowed it. She was right. "Bella, I'm sorry," I finally apologized. I looked up into her eyes, pressing a chaste kiss on her forehead as I pulled her to me. "The last thing I want is to lose you. That's why I'm up here."

"Well, stop. Unless you plan on leaving me, just stop it. It took us a lot to get here, and if you think that a new apartment, or some new clothes—which, by the way, you could use—are going to get rid of me, you're wrong."

The fierceness of her tone shocked me, her nails digging into my shoulders as she clenched her hands. I had been fighting for Bella so long, a part of me always thinking that I was inches from losing her, I hadn't realized that somewhere along the way, Bella had started fighting for me.

I felt incredibly stupid—and incredibly selfish.

"Bella, I don't think I could ever leave you." I tangled my fingers through her damp hair, reaching up to kiss her. My mouth moved urgently against hers, trying to prove that I had meant every word.

Leaning back into the lounge chair, I ran my hands up under Bella's shirt, inching it up her stomach and exposing her skin to the night air. She shivered, pressing herself more tightly to me.

"We can go inside," I murmured, breaking away. "You're cold."

"Warm me up," she answered breathlessly, bringing her mouth back to mine. She trailed one of her hands down my shirt, pushing it up as she nipped at my lips. "Skin to skin is warmer."

I groaned as she pushed my shirt up, yanking it over my head. "Bella," I protested weakly, my hands settling on her waist. "What if someone..."

"It's two in the morning. Who's going to come up here?"

I didn't answer, watching as Bella pulled her own shirt off. She wasn't wearing a bra. Her hair looked like it had mostly dried, and it hung in long tangles over her shoulders. Her skin shone in the light of the city around us. She was warm as she lowered herself back to me.

Wrapping my arms around her back, I kissed her slowly, trying to memorize the feel of her skin on mine. I was still terrified I was going to lose her, and wanted to commit all of her to memory. The smell of her skin, the feel of her body on mine, the taste of her...I wanted to brand my memories into my brain.

Our kisses grew more heated, Bella's hips grinding down on mine as my hands roamed her body. I slid my hand down the back of her shorts, squeezing her ass as she swiveled her hips. I wanted her—I needed her.

"Bella..." I gasped her name out, forcing myself to sit up with her in my lap. I was paranoid about someone coming out on the roof, namely my sister coming to look for me. Never mind that the pricey apartment complex was sure to have cameras. The thought of some perverted security guard seeing Bella naked was enough to make me stop, no matter how badly my groin throbbed with Bella on top of me.

"Edward, please. I need you."

I didn't answer, instead reaching behind her for her shirt. I pulled it down over her head, ignoring her confused look as I shoved my cigarettes into my pocket. Without putting her down, I started for the door back to the apartment, moving as fast as I could.

Once we were in the elevator, I pressed Bella up against the wall, kissing her deeply as the floors passed unnoticed. She responded instantly, realizing my intention wasn't to stop our foreplay, but just to move it.

Praying Alice was in her bedroom, I entered the dark apartment, Bella giggling nervously as the door closed. "Your sister?" she asked as I set her down inside the door.

"Shhh..." I answered, backing her against the wall and kissing her while my hands ran down her legs and up the inside of her thighs. Her breath caught, a soft moan rising in her throat as I trailed one hand between her legs, up the bottom of her loose shorts. She wasn't wearing anything beneath them.

I groaned as I felt the wetness and heat of her, tearing my mouth away from hers to kiss her neck and shoulder. "Edward," she whispered in my ear, her voice thick with lust. Her hands trailed down my bare chest, nails scratching lightly over my nipples. The sudden sensation sent a thrill down my spine, and I pulled my hands up to her waist, leading her toward the bedroom.

As soon as the door was closed behind us, Bella pushed me up against it. Her body pressed to mine, she yanked my head down to hers, her fingers tangled in my hair, tugging on it as she kissed me. We broke apart only long enough to rid her of her shirt, and then we were once again skin to skin.

Bella yanked at my jeans, the button falling unheeded to the floor as she shoved them over my hips. I kicked them free, pushing her back toward the bed. Her breasts bounced as she fell back on the mattress, her legs open to me as I advanced on her.

I didn't get onto the bed with her. Instead, I pulled her back to the edge, grasping her calves after sending her shorts and my boxers to the floor. She bit her lip as she watched me, her cheeks flushed. One of her hands snaked down her stomach, her eyes sliding closed as she began to touch herself.

For a long moment I was too shocked to move, but then I pushed her hand away. "No," I growled, moving my hands up to her thighs and pulling her to me as I lifted her off the bed. "Mine."

I entered her hard and began a quick rhythm, needing to feel her. She arched her back, driving me deeper into her. Standing by the edge of the bed as I pounded into her, I kept one hand on her hip, but the other wandered across her body. I circled one of her nipples, eliciting a moan as I applied more pressure, pinching lightly.

I lost myself in the sensation of being inside Bella, the faint sound of skin slapping skin echoing in the quiet room. The only other noise was our panting, broken by the occasional moan. I traced a line down Bella's stomach with the tip of my finger, my gaze falling lower. I watched myself entering her, feeling the tightening in my balls as I felt my control slipping. Her body moved with mine, the tension of the day slipping away as I drowned myself in the simple but intense satisfaction of being with Bella. The muscles in her stomach contracted, straining against her soft skin as she pushed her hips up to mine, her breaths coming in short gasps as my movements became less steady.

Struggling for control, I began to rub Bella's clit. The muscles in her thighs tightened around my hips, her moans growing louder as she fisted the blanket beneath her. "Edward...I'm..." She moaned again, her eyes squeezing shut as her legs shook ever so slightly. I watched the flush creeping up her chest and neck, her entire body tensing before her release took her. I let go of the restraint I'd been clutching, driving into her as she came until my own orgasm took me.

I collapsed next to her within moments, sweaty and sated. I clung to her, her skin hot beneath my touch. It was the first time I had truly felt relaxed all day—I wasn't a hungover mess cringing in the morning light, and I wasn't a nervous wreck dealing with my family. I was just a man who had made love to his girlfriend.

Bella curled up on my chest, throwing her leg over mine as she tried to catch her breath. She pressed kisses against my neck, my shoulder, my chest as we lay in the dark room. "I love you," she murmured, finally pressing her cheek to my chest.

"I love you too," I replied instantly, pushing her hair back behind her shoulder. "C'mon," I said after a moment, unsteadily getting to my feet. "Let's get in bed."

She nodded, scooting up the mattress as I pushed the blankets and sheets down. I slid in beside her, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her back to my chest. "I'm sorry," I whispered, kissing the shell of her ear. "You know, for freaking out earlier. You're right. I'm overreacting."

"Today was a long day," she said after a pause, as if she were picking and choosing her words carefully. Her hand found mine beneath the sheets, and she laced our fingers together with a squeeze. "You never told me what your dad said to you."

"He didn't really apologize," I muttered darkly. Sure, my father had said the words, but I strongly suspected my mother had guilted him into it. I sighed, burying my nose in Bella's hair. The nervous agitation I had just banished was already creeping back into my thoughts. "He sort of just talked about my mom a lot. I got the impression she put him up to the whole thing."

"What do you mean?"

"He just kept saying, 'Edward, your mom thinks this,' or 'Your mom says that,' instead of telling me anything about what he thought or felt or wanted." I felt my mood darken all over again, the comfort of Bella fading. "He did say he wants me to be happy. He claims it wouldn't matter to him at this point if I went back to school."

"You didn't tell him you're thinking about going back to NYU?"

"No."

"Why not? It would have made your parents really happy."

"I'm not going back to school for them."

Bella turned over, her eyes finding mine in the darkness. "I didn't say you were." She ran her fingers down my cheek and over my jaw while I resisted the urge to pull back. Bella's tone was still carefully controlled, as if she was talking to a misbehaving child. I ignored that it wouldn't be an entirely untruthful analysis of my behavior. "I just don't understand why you would hide something happy."

"I don't want my dad to think he was right."

"Neither of you was right."

"I wanted him to accept me the way I am, Bella. He's never approved of my decisions or my life."

"But you lied. How is that having him accept you as you are?" Bella's tone was taking on a hint of annoyance.

"I don't want him to win," I replied stubbornly.

"You went years without speaking. I think you've both already lost."

Her tone was now decidedly sharp. I had no reply, and we fell into silence. Bella reached up to kiss me once before rolling back over and pressing her back to me. "It's late, Edward," she said quietly, pulling my arm around her again and effectively ending the conversation. "Tomorrow will be another long day."

"I know."

"Get some sleep."

She squeezed my hand, craning her neck to press another kiss to my lips before she settled against the pillows. I lay awake, lost in my thoughts and worries as Bella's breaths evened out. I closed my eyes, hoping for sleep to take me. I should have been tired, but I wasn't. I grew restless as the minutes dragged by, and soon gave up on sleep. I pressed a kiss to Bella's shoulder and slipped out of bed.

I pulled on my discarded, broken jeans and a hoodie, leaving it unzipped as I moved quietly around the room. With a last glance at Bella to make sure I hadn't woken her, I snuck out of the room with my cigarettes in my hand.

Stepping out onto Alice's balcony, I latched the door behind me and settled into one of the chairs. The lights of the city twinkled out as far as the eye could see, the dull roar of the freeway still audible despite the hour. I watched a plane trace across the sky, banking low and most likely headed for LAX.

I lit my cigarette and sighed, exhaling a thick stream of smoke into the night air. _The possibility of complete mental and physical collapse is now very real_, I thought to myself, leaning back and closing my eyes. I might as well have been waking up to a trashed hotel room—I'd certainly made a big enough mess.

"She thought you were going to break up with her, you jackass," I berated myself, my eyes still closed as I took a deep drag from the cigarette. Bella didn't deserve that; she'd been through enough. The last thing she needed was to be worried about me leaving her. After everything I had put her through over the last few years, the last thing I wanted was to be the cause of her pain now.

Sitting out on Alice's balcony, I waited for answers to come, but only the night greeted me. There was a faint breeze making the air cool, the palms swaying far below. I pulled my hoodie tighter around myself, but didn't bother to zip it. I told myself I'd go back inside soon, curl up next to Bella and go to sleep.

The minutes ticked by, my cigarette burned down to the filter, and I couldn't bring myself to move.

The sound of the door opening startled me, my eyes snapping open to see Bella standing there. She didn't say a word, only settling down next to me on the longue chair. She'd grabbed the throw blanket from Alice's couch and spread it out over us, slipping her arms inside my hoodie to lay her cheek on my chest. I ran my fingers through her hair, slowly combing out the tangles.

"I couldn't sleep without you," Bella finally murmured sleepily into my chest. She curled around me, obviously cold as the breeze blew her hair into tangles.

I pressed a kiss to her forehead, sighing. I wanted to apologize for my stupidity, but I knew she didn't want to hear it. She would just tell me to stop apologizing. The very same Bella who had never had much patience for my antics in the bar still lurked beneath the layers of love she had recently shown me.

When I felt her shiver, I gently scooped her up in my arms, blanket and all, and returned to the bedroom. Bella muttered incoherently, sleep choking her words as I pulled the blanket up around her. "Stay," she called after me as I made to escape once again.

"I'll keep you up," I protested, stopping in the doorway to glance back at her.

"I don't care," she replied stubbornly. "Get back in bed. Please?"

I sighed, abandoning my jeans once again. Bella was warm beneath the sheets, and she had kicked off the shorts she'd come outside in. I ran my hand down her smooth legs and back up again, sliding beneath her T-shirt to caress the curve of her waist. Feeling myself growing hard as she shifted back against me, I bent my lips to her neck, feathering kisses down her shoulder and back up behind her ear. It had been barely an hour since we had made love, but I was suddenly desperate to connect to her again. Bella was the only thing keeping me from completely losing my mind. I needed the intimacy of making love, to feel her body pressed to me, wrapped around me...I needed to make her know how much I cared for her, needed to make her feel how badly I needed her.

"Mmm..." she mumbled, reaching behind her back for me. She grabbed my hip, pulling me closer to her as she parted her legs slightly. Apparently, it wasn't just me that needed to feel. I pushed her shirt up, using one arm to prop myself up on my side while the other hand rested on her stomach. I splayed my fingers, reaching lower, teasing her as I kissed her throat.

My dick strained against her ass as she moved against me. I dipped my hand lower, pausing to stroke her before pulling her leg up over mine. I guided myself into her, pressing my entire body against her as I rocked my hips forward. I nearly sighed in relief at the feeling of completeness, the way in which Bella's body just fit with mine.

Bella grabbed my free hand as she pushed back to meet each thrust, tangling her fingers with mine and holding me tightly to her. Her nails dug into my skin as her she tightened her grip. Her breathing had picked up, and she arched her back as she leaned back to kiss me. I captured her lips with mine, soft, breathless kisses to match the slow pace I had set. I needed this—I needed her—but I wanted to savor the moment.

The burn simmered as we moved together, everything gradually tightening like a coil in my stomach ready to spring. I disentangled my fingers from Bella, reaching between her legs to get her off before I lost control. To my surprise, her hand followed mine, guiding my movements. It was both sensual and highly erotic, and I nearly came as she pressed my fingers more firmly against her.

We came together, Bella's fingers curling around my hand as she cried out into the pillow, her moans muffled. I didn't move for a long moment, staying inside of her until I grew soft. Bella moved away only long enough to throw her shirt to the ground, and then returned to me, her warm body against mine. She pulled me to her, our bodies fitting together as her breaths evened out.

"I love you," she mumbled, squeezing my hand.

"I love you too." I took a deep breath, laying my head back on the pillow as close to Bella as I could manage. I pressed my nose to her hair, filling my senses with her as I closed my eyes.

This time, sleep came quickly.

* * *

AN: Many thank to the beta and prereaders for holding my hand through this one. Note to self, don't write lemons sober.

Edward is still on his Hunter S. Thompson kick. I forgot to say this last time, but many thanks to BellaFlan for mentioning Hunter during a WC – it was the inspiration I needed to start writing RC again. If you're not reading Stigmata Tomato, please do. It's a bit dark, but it makes me giggle and she's a lovely person.

Reviews are better than rooftop cigarettes =)


	19. 19 Pandora's Box

Disclaimer: I haven't been to LA this year and I don't own Edward and Bella. I _do_ own a brand spankin' new DSLR that brings the happy. Hope everyone got what they wanted for Xmas!

19. Pandora's Box

* * *

We barely made our flight back to New York, lingering longer than we should have in Alice's guest room. I had woken up feeling both foolish and incredibly grateful for Bella. She wouldn't leave me over something as stupid as my parents' money, and in the cold light of day, I knew that. I had overreacted the night before—perhaps because of the stress of the day, perhaps because I'd been drinking, perhaps because I was an idiot—it didn't really matter anymore why. I had Bella. That was what mattered.

My whispered apologies had turned into soft kisses. Those had turned into Bella clinging to me as I did my best to make sure she couldn't doubt my feelings for her. Sometimes, words just weren't enough—sometimes, all the words in the world said nothing.

We had ended up sprinting through LAX. We were giggling and sweaty as we dropped into our roomy leather seats, much to the chagrin of the annoyed stewardess. I didn't care. I had my family back, and I had my Bella. We caught our breath as the plane taxied down the runway, our fingers looped together. I squeezed Bella's hand as we watched the ground fall away beneath us, finally headed home. The sun was shining off the ocean as the plane banked back around toward New York, and I breathed a deep sigh of relief.

The flight back was long, but in some ways I wished it was longer. Shoving up the armrest that separated us back into the seat, I pulled Bella to me, running my fingers through her hair. We had been up half the night, and slept little, and I knew I was to blame. I could deal with my own sleep deprivation, but Bella was anxious about the bar. If she got her way, we would be going straight there from the airport.

I knew her. She would bury herself in the office, reviewing receipts and inventory from the short time we had been gone. She would grill Rose and Emmett about the weekend and who had been in, if there had been any problems. She would consult with Rich, who being a near fixture in the bar was always sure to notice any goings on. Bella would only come to bed when she was so tired she could barely stand, and then she'd do it again.

So I made it my mission to spend the six-hour flight helping her relax. I hummed a made-up tune quietly as Bella's eyes drooped, her cheek pressed to my chest as I held her. She stretched her legs out across her seat, and I sighed as her breaths evened out barely an hour into the flight. I was tired, and although I knew I'd be in the bar with her, I couldn't sleep. I watched the rise and fall of her chest, the fluttering of her closed eyes as she dreamed. I couldn't stop touching her, either lightly running my fingers through her silky hair, or tracing the veins atop her hands. I needed to feel her, to cling to the reality of our happiness.

My thoughts drifted, wondering how it was that in just a few short months everything was so different. Jessica leaving had turned into one of the best things that had ever happened to me—it had given me the push I needed to reach out to Bella.

In turn, Bella had given me the kick in the ass I had sorely needed to start to pull my life back together.

I brushed a kiss against her forehead, smoothing away the errant hairs that had fallen across her eyes. She sighed in her sleep, nestling herself more deeply in my arms.

I wanted to be able to hold her whenever I wanted; I wanted to wake up to her every morning. I wanted for her to move in with me, not only to have her beside me in the middle of the night, but to see her things neatly folded beside mine in the closet. It seemed strange to want something so mundane so fiercely, but I did. I never wanted to be separated from her.

Bella was my life now.

My gaze dropped to her left hand curled up against my chest. Jessica had complained every so often that we should have been engaged already, that we had been together for years so it was the natural next step. I had always put her off. The truth was I hadn't wanted to marry her. It had always seemed like that was what would happen, eventually—but I didn't _want_ it.

I knew it was too soon, that Bella would never agree to it when she had hesitated to even agree to live with me. But as I watched her sleep, I knew it was what I wanted. Someday, and hopefully someday not too far into our future, I would get down on one knee and present her with my grandmother's ring. Maybe at the holidays...the ring was in Forks, after all, hidden away in my old bedroom.

My heart clenched as it occurred to me that Bella might not say yes. I knew she loved me—we had been through enough for me to know that by now—but Bella could still be hard to read. I never knew what she was thinking, or how she was going to react. Never mind that there was still some dark secret she had to tell once we were back in New York.

_There are just some things we need to talk about before we start packing anything... _

Her words echoed through my jumbled thoughts, sending a shiver of apprehension down my spine. What could Bella have to tell me that needed to be said before she was willing to start packing her things? Or for me to pack mine? Did she think whatever she had to say was going to drive me away? Or was there something about me, something that just wasn't quite good enough yet, that kept her from saying yes?

_Don't get too far ahead of yourself_, I tried to tell myself. _Here you are, thinking about proposing one moment, unsure if she'll even move in with you the next. She only just admitted she was in love with you a few days ago. One thing at a time, Cullen. _

Bella awoke as we were making our decent into JFK. Her sleepy brown eyes peered up at me, a small smile tugging on her lips. "What're you grinning like that for?" she mumbled, her voice thick with sleep. She stretched, but didn't move out of my arms.

"You're so beautiful. And you're mine," I replied, bending to kiss her. It was a chaste kiss, mindful of those around us, but Bella's body melted into mine as we embraced all the same. I'd never get tired of that, the way she molded herself to me as we kissed. To me, it was just another sign that we were made for each other.

Her cheeks were pink with the trace of a blush as she snuck a glance out of the corner of her eye. She reclaimed her own seat, combing her fingers through her hair in an effort to smooth out the tangles. I reached forward, rubbing my thumb over her lips. "I don't suppose there's any chance you'd agree to go home and get settled before going to the bar?"

Bella smiled ruefully, shaking her head and glancing out the window at the approaching New York skyline. "I just want to check in..." She trailed off, bringing her gaze back to me. Her eyes were bright with happiness, and she reached out to twine her fingers with mine. "I'm not really ready for our weekend to end."

"Did you tell Rose what time our flight landed?"

"I told her in the afternoon."

"Well..." I grinned slyly, wrapping my arm around Bella's waist and pulling her to me. "Afternoon is a long time. We could have a few more hours alone..."

"Edward, she's already done me this favor, and..."

"Bella, it's Monday. The bar isn't even open, remember? Rose is probably enjoying babysitting the bar while spending time with Emmett..." I bent to whisper in her ear, unable to resist the urge to kiss her. I flicked my tongue out, delighting in the shiver that ran through her. "Come back to my place. We could put on a movie and relax..."

"You're a liar. You have no interest in watching a movie," Bella accused, but her breath caught as my fingers danced under her T-shirt. I snuck a quick glance over my shoulder, but it seemed that no one thought we were doing anything more than having a quiet conversation.

"No, you're right. I don't want to watch a movie. I want to watch you while I do filthy things to you," I murmured, pleased at the flush that spread from her neck into her cheeks. She shifted her weight, pressing her thighs together as I rubbed my thumb along her hipbone beneath her jeans. I grinned wickedly as I realized I was getting to her.

"Edward..." Her voice was low, husky, but full of warning. "Payback's a bitch, you know," she muttered as I withdrew my hand. "It's a long cab ride back to Brooklyn from the airport."

"Is that a threat or a promise?" I retorted, offering up the crooked grin that I knew made her wild. Bella said nothing, turning to look out the window with a tiny smile playing across her lips.

She didn't even wait until we got in the cab to start torturing me.

As the plane came to a stop at the gate, Bella pushed me back in my seat as I went to get up. Mischief lit up her eyes as she leaned over me, her breasts purposefully inches from my face as she moved over me to get to the aisle first. When she reached above to the overhead compartment, her T-shirt rode up to reveal her smooth stomach. She retrieved her bag with a grin and started off the plane ahead of me, an exaggerated sway to her hips.

I gritted my teeth and followed after her, holding my backpack in front of me as I fought the ache in my groin.

I caught up with her inside the airport, a devilish glint in her eye as she took my hand. "Can't keep up?" she teased, squeezing my hand as we made our way down to the baggage claim. Her playful mood was contagious, and despite knowing it would be hours before I could have her, I couldn't help but be delighted.

"I was preoccupied," I growled in her ear, snatching a quick assgrab as we turned a corner. Bella giggled, her eyes flashing with challenge. She was light and carefree, and seeing her so happy made the game we were playing all the more enjoyable. It was rare that such a capricious mood struck her, and I intended to take advantage as long as I could.

Bella began her slow torment of me again as we waited for our luggage, standing in front of me with her ass pressed to me. To the innocent bystander, we looked like any other couple, my arms looped around Bella's waist as she leaned back into me. But they couldn't feel the pressure of Bella's hips as she pushed herself against me, or the slight movements her body was making to drive me wild.

In an attempt to level the playing field, I dipped my hands lower on her waist. Bella had pulled on my sweatshirt from her carryon while we waited, and I used the bulky fabric to my advantage, sliding one hand under her clothes. My fingers slipped down the front of her jeans, the oversized sweatshirt hiding what we were up to.

My heart raced as I looked around the crowded airport, my breath coming in quiet pants as Bella tilted her hips once more, creating the friction I wanted. A thrill went through me as I realized that no one was staring—no one knew what we were up to.

I'd never considered myself an exhibitionist. All in all, I was a fairly private person, and I happily went along with Bella's desires to keep our relationship away from prying eyes. Yet for some reason, as my fingers danced lightly over the silky fabric of her underwear, the thrill of getting caught just turned me on even more.

"Bella," I whispered, kissing her neck lightly in what I hoped looked like an innocent manner. "Do you really want to stop at the bar?"

"Yes," she answered, but her voice was breathless. I slid my hand lower under her panties and brushed my fingertips along the soft hair between her legs. My heart was pounding as I looked around, but not even the security guard was paying us any attention. My sweatshirt came halfway down Bella's thighs, so it seemed we were safe from discovery.

"You sure?"

Her breath hitched in her throat as my fingers worked lower, reaching for what I knew we both wanted. The luggage carousel beeped loudly, startling us both. We broke apart with a guilty look, watching as the bags began to appear.

"Just you wait," she mumbled, turning around to face me. My dick throbbed as she pressed herself to me, her arms around my neck. Her eyes were burning with desire, her cheeks flushed.

I smirked, reaching between us in an attempt to adjust myself while Bella shielded the evidence from view. When she realized what I was doing, a giggle erupted from her, followed by a quick kiss.

After such an emotionally charged weekend, our game of mutual teasing was what we both needed. I couldn't keep my hands off her, pulling her against me or touching her every chance I got. By the time we were in the cab, I was breathless. I half wondered if we would be the first to have sex in the backseat of this particular cab, or if many couples had come before us...

Bella made good on her promise, her fingers trailing at first innocently down my thigh before she dragged her nails along the inside, the jeans doing little to muffle the feel of her touch. She looked out the window as she touched me, her attention seemingly on the city outside as her knuckles lightly brushed against the aching bulge in my jeans with each pass she made up my leg. I could barely keep a straight face.

There was little I could do to get her back. As her fingers trailed up my leg, she kept her thighs pressed tightly together, preventing me from doing the same to her. I settled for tracing patterns across her knees and the tops of her thighs, but the tiny smirk never left her lips.

It was all I could do to keep my expression schooled into a mask of calm.

As we neared the bar, I was ready to explode. In a tight voice, I explained to the cabbie that there was a change of plans and gave him my address. When Bella opened her mouth to protest, I squeezed her thigh and she relented with a silent smirk.

I couldn't get Bella into my apartment fast enough.

I threw our bags down inside the door and then I had her in my arms, my mouth savagely on hers. It reminded me of the nearly violent way I'd taken her that first time in the bar, but this was different. This had been an intentional build over the last hour and a half, an intentional effort on both our parts to set our blood to boiling.

Pushing Bella against the wall, I fumbled under the sweatshirt for the button to her jeans, shoving them down her hips. She kicked out of them eagerly, pushing me back toward the living room couch as she went for my clothes, yanking my shirt over my head, pulling my belt and jeans free.

I backed into the couch, the soft leather connecting with my bare skin as Bella pushed me forward. "Turn around," I commanded breathlessly, spinning to put her against the couch. I ran my hands up her stomach, pulling her t-shirt and the sweatshirt with me as I rid her of her clothing. She unhooked her bra as I panted behind her, her bare ass pressed to my hard length as she moaned. I moved my hands to cup her breasts, roughly teasing her nipples as I nipped at her shoulder.

It was rare that I was forceful with Bella in any way. The sex we'd had hadn't always been soft and slow; there had been plenty of times where it had been fast and hard. But with the exception of that first night in the bar, I had never _taken_ her like this, on my terms and so forcefully. I remembered what she had told me, about liking how I had taken charge, and decided that was exactly what I was going to do. Bella was _mine_ and I wanted her to know it.

"You better hold on," I growled in her ear, pushing her down against the couch as I used my knee to spread her legs further apart. She moaned as I used one hand to guide myself into her, the other still cupping her breast.

I drove into her, consumed by the lust that had been burning away all afternoon. I kissed and sucked on her neck, nipping at her shoulders as she pushed back against me, her knuckles white where she gripped the back of the couch to steady herself. We were both panting, an occasional moan breaking through the gasps for air as I felt the telltale burning in my stomach.

"C'mon, Bella," I murmured in her ear, angling my hips slightly to find the spot that would make her come undone. I lightly pinched her nipple, eliciting a soft shudder of pleasure from her as I pressed closer.

Her body shivered beneath me, a loud cry escaping her lips. Holding out as long as I could, I thrust into her several more times before pleasure exploded in me. I sagged against her back, sweaty and sated as we both caught our breath.

Not bothering with our clothes or bags, I swept Bella into my arms as soon as I could breathe somewhat normally, starting for the bedroom. I leaned down to kiss her as I walked, holding her to me as tightly as I could.

"We need to do that more often," Bella murmured as I got into bed beside her.

"Foreplay in public places?"

Bella's eyes lit up with mischief, her hand running down my back to squeeze my ass. "If that's what it takes for you to fuck me like that, then yes."

"Oh, so you liked that, did you?" I smirked, curling my arms around her to pull her flush to me. "Maybe I should find other things to bend you over."

"Maybe you should."

"You know..." I paused, wondering if I was about to ruin the playful mood. "If you lived here, I would bend you over anything that wouldn't break...and maybe some things that would."

"Is that a promise?" she asked without missing a beat. At my shocked expression, she laughed, a full hearty laugh before turning her attention back to me. "You look so surprised! Edward, don't get me wrong, I love how sweet and romantic you can be. I love when you make love to me first thing in the morning. But sometimes, a girl just wants to be fucked."

"I think I can handle that..."

"Good." Bella smiled again, but this time the smile didn't reach her eyes. "I want you to remember you said that. Those things I said I had to tell you? You're not going to like them, but it doesn't mean I want you to treat me any differently."

My blood ran cold. I stared at her, my eyes full of questions. Her tone scared me, and I wasn't sure that I liked her talking about her past the way she was given what we had just done. It made me guess that horrible things had happened to her, things that were going to make me feel awful for having just manhandled her, whether she said she liked it or not.

"I think you better tell me what you're talking about," I finally said in a quiet voice, pulling back slightly. "You're...scaring me."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything right now..." Bella started to gnaw on her bottom lip, her eyes filling with hurt and anger, though at who, I couldn't be sure. "We were having such a nice afternoon. This can wait."

"No, Bella, I don't think it can." I took a deep breath, rubbing my thumb across her cheek. "Maybe we should get dressed?"

Bella nodded, her eyes downcast as I pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead. Not bothering to go out to the hall for our bags, I rummaged in the closet until I found a clean pair of sweatpants for myself. I pulled them on with an old T-shirt, but Bella was still in bed. She was watching me, and her expression was unreadable.

"I'm going to go use the bathroom. Meet me in the kitchen?" Bella nodded, but she didn't look at me. My heart sank, and I wished more than anything that we could go back five minutes and call a redo. Bella's past was obviously full of secrets, and I was beginning to fear that some of them were all together unpleasant.

I lingered in the bathroom, taking as long as I could to wash my hands. I splashed cold water on my face, trying to find the strength to hear whatever Bella was going to tell me. I was increasingly afraid that something—someone—had hurt her badly, in ways far worse than I dared to imagine. I took a deep breath, willing myself to hold onto my temper no matter what she said.

When I emerged, Bella was in the kitchen, dressed in one of my T-shirts and her jeans. She was brewing tea, and her shoulders were tense. "Rose called while you were in the bathroom," she said quietly, and when she turned, her face was white as a sheet. "She's on her way here with Emmett. She said it was important." The last part came out as a whisper.

Thousands of years ago, Herodotus quoted a king in his histories, "No one while he lives is happy."

Morbid? Sure. The man was writing the history of one of the greatest wars in human history. It made sense that maybe he was feeling a little pessimistic.

Watching my happiness, my Bella, go to pieces in front of me, I almost thought I knew the feeling.

"Bella?" I took a step toward her, hesitantly pulling her to me. I could feel her tremble under my touch, and that set the adrenaline coursing through my veins. Something was very wrong, and Bella was terrified. "Bella, what happened in the last five minutes?"

A knock on the door interrupted us, and I hesitantly released Bella to answer it. If Rose had driven from the bar, it wouldn't have taken more than a minute or two for her to arrive, and something told me she would waste no time. The happy, playful afternoon had vanished.

Rose's eyes were wild, her usually styled blonde hair tumbling in messy tangles over her shoulders. "Where is she?" she demanded, pushing her way into the apartment. I moved back silently, letting her rush past me into the kitchen. Emmett was behind her, and he looked troubled.

"What's going on?" I demanded, hoping Rose's boyfriend would be more helpful.

"It's bad, man. Rose has been trying to get a hold of you guys for a few hours..." He stopped, glancing toward the kitchen. One of his huge hands rubbed the back of his neck, his usually cheerful eyes filled with worry.

"What do you mean, bad?" I asked through gritted teeth, shoving the door closed and heading for the kitchen without an answer. I wished I had bothered to turn my phone on, but I had been preoccupied with Bella once we got off the plane. Now, no one was telling me what was going on, and I was beginning to get angry. Something was obviously very wrong, something that affected Bella, and no one was telling me a god damn thing.

"We have to go," Bella was saying to Rose as I walked into the kitchen. Her eyes darted to me, and then back to her friend. Her voice shook. "All of us, we have to go, now."

"Where, Bella? We can't go back to Phoenix. I don't even think Connecticut is safe. He knows me too, remember?" Rosalie's voice was boarding on shrill. I didn't know her that well, but I could hear the panic. That set the hairs on the back of my neck on end.

"What about the Berkshires?" Rosalie continued.

"If he found the bar here, he can find us there. We need someplace he doesn't know at all. We need to disappear until Rich can talk to Charlie and..."

"Will someone tell me what the fuck is going on?" I interrupted loudly, stepping around Rose to wrap my arms around Bella. I returned Rose's glare as I pulled Bella into my arms, fear making my heart pound. The way that they were talking was freaking me out, and after what Bella had started to say, I didn't like it one bit.

Bella took a deep breath, looking over her shoulder at Rose. Emmett stood behind her, one hand on her shoulder. "Bella, you have to," Rose whispered urgently, her entire expression crumpling for a brief moment. Tears filled her eyes, but she wiped them away before they had a chance to fall. "You need to tell him now, and then we need to leave."

It was then that I noticed the newspaper Rosalie was clutching in one hand, an article she had obviously torn out crushed between her fingers. When neither of them started talking, I reached for the clipping. Rosalie handed it over wordlessly, her worried expression settling back on Bella as my eyes scanned the headline.

_A Killer on the Loose? _

_An Arizona man was released today, a man some say should have remained behind bars for much longer. James Volturi, aged 28, was convicted of endangering a minor, statutory rape and drug charges nearly seven years ago. An alleged member of the Volturi crime family, he was found not guilty of charges of murder in a related case. Locals will remember that the overturn of his conviction on appeal was wildly believed to be an alleged case of police corruption and incompetence, though no charges were ever filed. _

I stopped reading, my eyes clouding with rage. I barely noticed that my hands had closed into tight fists, and now I too was shaking. "Bella?" I asked helplessly, both terrified of her response and needing to hear it. "Bella, please, what the hell is going on?"

She didn't answer immediately. I was on the verge of repeating myself, when she finally whispered, "I told you I had a past." Her eyes squeezed shut, her hands balling into fists as her posture stiffened to reflect my own. A single tear streaked down her cheek as I watched her fight a silent battle. "I thought...my past came looking for me. He found me."

Memories of that terrible night in the bar, of Bella going to pieces before me, assaulted my memory as I tried to comfort her. She was silent, her shoulders shaking as she stood numbly in my arms. "Bella?" I tried again, helplessness choking me.

"Bella, I told Rich we were here. He's coming over," Rosalie offered from behind us. "We should get your things. Most of it's here now, right?" Her tone had shifted, the blind panic of earlier stuffed down. Rosalie was going into crisis mode.

"Bella," I begged, pulling her more closely to me. "Bella, please. _Tell me_."

"I thought I'd have more time...that this...I wanted to explain, Edward..."

"Please, Bella, just tell me. Whatever it is, tell me."

"Bella, we have to go," Rosalie insisted urgently, taking a step toward the bedroom. "You can tell him the whole story later if you can't do it right now. We don't have time."

"We have time," I snapped back, irritated. First Rosalie thought it was important Bella tell me, and now she was insisting we didn't have time?

_What the fuck is going on here? _

"Bella," I started again, forcing her to look up at me. Her face was expressionless, but her eyes—her eyes were wild with fright. I had watched Bella throw grown men out of the bar, men two to three times her size, without flinching. She had always been fearless, but now...

"Bella, what's going on? I need you to tell me. Who's coming for you?" I asked, fighting for calm.

"James," she whispered without looking at me. Her eyes were staring straight ahead, but they weren't focused on anything. She didn't seem to even be registering that any of us were there anymore—she was trapped in her memories.

"Who's James?" I demanded through gritted teeth, struggling to keep control over myself. I looked to Rosalie and Emmett, but neither of them had an answer. Rosalie's lips were pressed into a hard line. The veins in Emmett's neck were raised, and I could see the tension in his posture. They both knew, but no one was telling me.

"God dammit, Bella! Tell me! I can't do anything if you don't..." She wasn't even listening, her eyes still blankly staring at the wall behind me. Taking a deep breath, I gently forced her to look at me. "Bella," I murmured, trying to keep my tone as calm as possible. "Bella, I love you. Please. Let me help you."

She said nothing at first, but slowly her eyes focused back in on me. The pain I saw reflected there twisted in my gut, fear racing through my veins.

"He's the one...he killed my mom." A sob broke into her words. She dug her nails into the hand she was holding, and I could feel her shaking as I pulled her more closely to me. It tore a knife through me to hear the pain in her voice. "I didn't know. Charlie had arrested him for drugs, and he...he came after Mom. But James, he's crazy, he..." Her voice choked off, as though fear had trapped the words in her throat. She took a shaky breath before saying, "He _likes_ to hurt people, Edward. And he's smart. We have to go. Now."

"Why, Bella? What did he do to you?" Rosalie and Emmett forgotten, I gripped Bella's shoulder with one hand. I needed to hear it from her, to finally know the truth.

She took a deep breath, a shudder running through her. A terrible rage was brewing inside of me, the knowledge that whatever Bella was about to tell me, it couldn't get much worse. This was the festering wound—this was what she had been hiding all these years from me. Maybe from everyone. "He enrolled in my high school, pretending to be younger than he was. He...manipulated me. The police were useless at finding out anything about Mom. James knew. He...came to my house, ate dinner with my father. We...I thought I was in love with him. He was so charming, and he knew just what to say..."

"Bella," Rose cut in, her tone firm. "We have to go. That's all he needs to know for now."

"No!" Bella shouted, her eyes filled with tears and fury. The numbness was fading, and Bella's fire seemed to be returning. I wasn't sure if it was better this way, but as I thought it over, in the past her silence had always spelled far more trouble than her anger.

Yet when she looked up to me, fear was shining in her eyes. "I told you in LA, I'm done...I'm done hiding it from you," she said to me, her tone quieting. A tear slid down her cheek. "You need to know. I've wanted to tell you, but things have just been so...I love you, Edward, but I can't let you be with me if you don't know what I did..."

"Bella, you didn't—"

"You don't know what I did," she cut in bitterly. She glanced at Rosalie, who looked anxious, but this time said nothing. "Charlie's private investigator found out. Charlie tried to talk to me, to tell me to stay away from James. He didn't find out all of it right away, only that James had something to do with it, so he didn't tell me that part. I think maybe he was trying to save me the shock of it all at once, or maybe he just didn't believe that his daughter was dating his wife's murderer. He just said James was bad news and I should break it off. I thought he was just being his usual overprotective cop self. I...I ran away with James." She took a deep breath, tears falling freely down her cheeks now. The numbness had left her expression completely, but it was replaced with shame and anger, all rolled into one. "I didn't believe them, at first. James was loving and the picture of innocence. Until we got out of Phoenix. Once he had me, he turned on me.

"He told me I was stupid and that it had all been too easy. He took me to an old house in the middle of nowhere, and threatened me. He...he told me what he did to my mom...what he was going to do to me, to get back at Charlie. He said he was from an important family, and no one got away with treating him the way Charlie had.

"But Charlie's private investigator had followed us. Before James got very far with any of his planning, he was there. He shot James in the leg and took me back to Phoenix. But when it went to trial, James...he said I was just a jilted lover who was trying to blame my mother's death and all my other misery on him. The police, they didn't have any physical evidence of what he'd done to my mom, only my word. And I was a sixteen year old girl who had run away with her boyfriend. So all they could get him on was...the other stuff."

"This article says statutory rape," I said slowly, trying to keep my voice from shaking. Too much was happening, too fast. My world was spinning. I wanted to throw up as I started to ask the next question, my stomach roiling. "Bella, did he—"

"No. He never forced me...I thought..." She shuddered, and a fresh round of tears went streaking down her cheeks. Anger flashed in her eyes, and by the set of her jaw, I knew it was at herself. No one was ever as hard on Bella as she was. "I thought he loved me," she choked out, wiping angrily at the tears that kept falling. "I'm sorry, Edward, I'm a terrible person. I've been hiding for so long, and I knew I couldn't get involved with you, but I fell in love and..."

"Stop, Bella, god, please, stop. None of this is your fault. None of it, do you understand?" I demanded, holding her as tightly as I dared. It was all falling into place and painting one horrifying picture. Bella's hesitance to let anyone get close to her, the way she hid her emotions behind quick barbs and sharp comments, the years it had taken me to see the real woman behind the curtain...

"I love you. I love you with everything I've got. James is a monster. What he did to you..." The words stuck in my throat, rage taking away my ability to speak. Instead, I crushed Bella to me, kissing her hair.

"Rich is here," Emmett said quietly, a faint knock echoing through the apartment.

"What does...?"

Rich walked in, and it was then that I noticed the obvious bugle of a gun in his jacket. He looked nothing like the jovial Rich I was used to. His mouth was set in a hard line, and his eyes scanned the room as he entered. "He's out?" he asked, the question directed at Rosalie. His tone was clipped...professional.

"Rich is the private investigator?" I asked aloud, another puzzle piece snapping into place. That was why Rich had watched me so intently as Bella and I became closer; that was why he was always around. He wasn't there to take advantage of free beer—he was there to watch Bella. I was beginning to doubt he'd ever owned a bar in his life.

"You didn't trust me to tell me where you lived," I said slowly, looking back at Bella. Hurt stung my eyes, my throat tightening. Too many emotions were running through me; too much was happening.

Bella's cheeks were streaked with tears. She looked away without saying a word, giving me all the confirmation I needed. "You didn't trust me," I repeated stupidly, staring down at her, willing her to tell me I was wrong.

Rose and Emmett had moved toward the living room, a quiet but urgent exchange taking place with Rich as Bella and I stood in the kitchen. "Bella?"

She turned back to me, her hands reaching for my shirt. She balled the fabric into her fists, her eyes losing the glassy numbness that had returned with Rich's entrance to burn with emotion. "Edward, please, _please_ just don't do this right now. I know I should have told you. I know. I swear, I will answer any question you have, tell you any secret you want to know, but I need to get out of here. He'll find me. He'll find Rose."

"But didn't he just get out of jail? How do you know he's even looking for you?"

"A woman called the bar," Rose answered grimly, turning back to where Bella and I stood. "She asked for James. I told her she had the wrong number, that there was no James there. It's a common enough name, so I didn't think anything of it until...until she laughed. It's a laugh I'll have nightmares about. All she said was, 'Not yet,' before she hung up. I thought I was losing my mind, until I found the article in the paper."

Bella started to tremble all over again, and I tightened my arms around her. I wished I could do something to assure her, to guarantee her safety. My thoughts blurred as I fought to keep myself from throwing up or going into a rage. Bella, Bella who was my everything, was terrified. I almost suggested the police, but it was clear from how everyone was acting that no one would listen to that suggestion.

Rosalie kept throwing out suggestions of places they could go, places in New England. Emmett's family was from Tennessee; she suggested they make their way south. She suggested Canada, Europe, anywhere but near the bars. Her voice droned on and on, suggestion after suggestion falling on Bella's deaf ears.

I watched as Rosalie spoke, watched Bella's eyes glaze over again with numb fear. I waited for the rage to come back, the anger that seemed to allow Bella to function, but her expression only became more and more blank. I waited, and I brought up every last perfect memory of her I could. I wanted her to see my love for her reflected back; I wanted her to know she could trust me.

Without looking up, I brushed back a strand of tangled hair from Bella's eyes when she finally met my gaze. Rosalie's voice faded to the background, my attention focused solely on Bella. I had to keep her safe—I had to make sure that this James, whoever he was, couldn't get at her. I had to protect her.

With a deep breath, I forced the words out as calmly as I could. "We're going to Forks."

* * *

AN: Well, it's taken awhile to get here, but there you have it. Bella's past is out! Did you see the clues? Two out of three prereaders swore at me, so I hope no one's too upset! Would love to hear your thoughts as always.

Big thanks to Bookgeek80, McGee, PiedPiper and Venis-Envy for their work on this chapter. Also to DivineInspiration, who held my hand during a late night freak out even though she had much bigger things to worry about than my silly story. Go read "The Mystery of You" because it's fantastic and she's lovely.


	20. 20 Towers

Disclaimer: words are mine, characters are not.

20. Towers

* * *

The idea to go to Forks wasn't a popular one, at least initially. Rosalie started shouting immediately, telling me I was an idiot and I had no idea what I was talking about. Bella stayed silent, waiting until her friend had gotten it out of her system before quietly, but firmly, telling her, "I'm going to Forks, Rosalie. I think it might be for the best."

Even Rich eventually agreed with the idea, but he asked us to wait a few days. He said there was no use making rash decisions when he'd found no trace of James in the city. It wasn't going to be easy for him to fly to New York with his probation officer watching, so it would take him time to get there. Plus, he'd been in jail for years. Rich was certain James would think he had plenty of time to catch Bella, and that he'd take his time to enjoy the chase.

We stood around the kitchen talking for a while longer, trying to figure out the logistics. Rich wanted to get back in touch with Bella's father, and he wanted us to stay away from the bar. Bella mutely agreed, burying her face in my chest as I held her in my arms.

Eventually, Rosalie and Emmett went back to the bar, Rich behind them. He said there were some things he wanted to look into and would call us the next day.

I sighed as the door closed behind them, turning my attention fully to Bella. She had fallen silent again, and I was worried that the numbness would take over. I remembered her silence from that fateful night at the bar, and I dreaded it.

"It's been a long day," I said quietly, resting my chin against her hair. "Why don't you go take a shower and get in bed? I'll bring you some tea."

"You don't have to do that, Edward. I'm okay."

I pulled back, searching her eyes. She looked away after a long moment, sighing. "Okay, you're right. I'm exhausted. Tea would be nice. Thank you." She stretched up on her toes to kiss me, lingering with her arms around my neck. I tightened my grip, brushing a light kiss against the curve of her shoulder. We stood in the middle of the kitchen, silently entwined, breathing each other in before she pulled back.

She let her hand trail behind her as she padded off, her fingers squeezing mine once more before she let go.

I let loose the breath I had been holding as soon as Bella was out of sight. I wanted to sink down to the kitchen floor, wrap my arms around my knees, and squeeze my eyes shut until I woke up from this nightmare.

But I couldn't do that. It wouldn't help anything, and I wanted to do something, anything to make it better. Bella needed me; Bella was depending on me. I moved around the kitchen, putting water on to boil for Bella's tea. I heard her moving around in the bedroom, and then the sound of water running.

I had to do something, take action, make plans. Standing in the kitchen trying not to go to pieces, I felt as useful as a knight meandering along while the lady in the tower met her end; I might as well have been singing "tirra lira" by the river.

I waited long enough to ensure Bella was in the shower, and then I reached for my phone. I wasn't ready to call my parents just yet and spring this on them, but my sister was a good place to start.

"Hey, Edward! How was your flight?" Alice asked cheerfully upon answering the phone. "How's Bella?"

"Um..." I trailed off, trying to find the right words to drop this information on my unsuspecting sister. "The flight was okay. Bella and I are home now," I stalled, staring blankly down into the pot of water.

"What's wrong?"

"Why do you ask?"

"I'm your sister. I can hear it in your voice. What's wrong?"

"Bella and I...we're going to come back to Forks for awhile."

"Okay... Edward, that's great! Mom loved Bella, and maybe you and Dad can work some of your issues out." She paused, and then in a heavier tone asked, "But why?"

"Bella...she's in trouble." I didn't want to tell her the whole story; it wasn't my story to tell. A part of me worried Bella would be upset for even telling my sister without her prior consent, but it seemed silly. My family had to know at least something about why we were suddenly going to appear, especially given how adamantly we had defended our life together in New York.

"What kind of trouble?"

"I can't tell you. We just need to get out of the city."

"Edward, you're going to have to give me a little more here. Are the police involved?"

"No," I answered honestly, and then I realized why she had asked. "It's nothing like that, Alice. I didn't do anything. Neither did Bella. We're not running from the cops. It's just...someone from Bella's past."

"Is this person dangerous? Have you called the police? Are you in danger? Is Bella okay?" Alice fired off one question after another, too fast for me to even attempt to answer. I noticed the shower had stopped running, and knew I needed to get off the phone quickly. Plus, the water for Bella's tea was nearly boiling.

"Listen, Alice, I have to go. I'm going to call Mom tomorrow, but I just wanted to..."

"You have to go? Edward, this isn't funny!"

"It's not meant to be. I swear I'll explain everything, but right now I have to go. I just wanted..."

"Jasper and I will be in Forks when you get there," Alice interrupted me, her voice soft. "Whatever this is...we're family."

"Thank you, Alice," I said gratefully, pulling the water off the stove and trying to pour Bella's tea as I cradled the phone against my shoulder. "I'm sorry to dump this on you, but I just..."

"It's fine. Is Bella okay?"

"Yeah, sort of. I'm just making her tea."

"You make tea?"

"Yeah," I answered sheepishly, smiling in spite of the terrible day. "For Bella."

"Go take care of her. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Bye, Alice. Thank you," I mumbled into the phone, quickly hanging up and looking around the kitchen. I felt a tiny bit guilty for my sudden decision to call Alice without Bella's knowledge, but I felt better for having talked to my sister. I slowly stirred the tea, watching the water gradually darken.

Hoping I wouldn't find her locked inside her own head, I slowly made my way back to the bedroom. Sure enough, I discovered her staring blankly out the window. Her wet hair hung around her shoulders, her creamy legs exposed in the dim light. She had wrapped herself in one of my shirts, her arms clutched across her chest.

She seemed resigned when she turned to look at me, her expression blank, her eyes flat.

The sight tugged at my heart. I didn't want Bella to be numb and frozen; I wanted her to snap out of it. I didn't want her to be the Lady of Shalott, laying herself down in a boat to die as the river bore her away. I wanted her to scream, to yell, to have some kind of reaction other than her blank staring. I would have even settled for a whispered "I am half-sick of shadows," if it meant some sort of reaction.

"I have your tea." I pulled her into my arms, setting down the tea on the nightstand. I smoothed her hair back, trying to get a read on her mental state. I almost wished she would shake like she had earlier, or show any signs that she was alive behind her dead eyes. I needed Bella to fight—I needed her will, her determination, all of it. I needed Bella to be Bella.

"I'm not scared," she said after a long moment, disentangling herself from my arms. Her voice sounded far away. She turned back to the window, her eyes unfocused. "I'm angry, Edward. Angry at myself...at him...at the cops back in Arizona. I don't want to be scared, and I'm not..."

Her words sounded hollow. But it was a start—at least she was talking, even if her comment betrayed how lost in her own thoughts she truly was.

"This isn't your fault, Bella. There isn't some curse you broke to bring this all down upon yourself," I told her, my thoughts drifting back to Tennyson's sad tale of the lady trapped in the tower. Bella was no princess in a tower; there was no curse.

"I feel like I'm cursed sometimes." Her voice broke and a violent shudder ran through her. "What else could it be? What makes people behave like this?"

"I don't know." I stood behind her, feeling helpless with my arms hanging at my sides. I had tried to comfort her in the only ways I knew how, with soft words and softer touches. None of it was helping, and the awful sense of being powerless pervaded my entire being.

The silence grew, weighing heavily on my aching heart as I watched Bella stare out the window. A silent tear streaked down her cheek, quickly followed by another. She wiped roughly at them, her shoulders stiffening against the obvious emotion threatening to take over.

"I love you," I whispered, tentatively putting my hand on her shoulder. This time she didn't shake me off, but I could feel the silent sobs wracking her body. "Bella, I'm not going anywhere. If that's what you're afraid of..."

She didn't reply. The silence dragged on, Bella's tears falling, my heart racing.

"Bella..." Her name came out hoarsely, my voice ragged. I swallowed past the lump in my throat, fighting for control. I felt like everything we had worked for, all the happiness I had finally found with Bella, it had been nothing more than a pleasant dream. The horror of her fear was starting to feel like reality instead. The thought sent a shiver down my spine.

_Out flew the web and floated wide; The mirror crack'd from side to side; "The curse is come upon me," cried The Lady of Shalott. _

I could feel the open air on either side of me, my feet desperately edging along an imagined bridge across a gaping chasm. I had felt it once before between us, but now it was stronger, more acute—we stood on a knife's edge. I was never one to say or do the right thing, but I could feel it; our relationship depended on me getting this one right. Bella's walls were going back up at lightning speed, and if I didn't do something to stop it, I'd be locked out once again. I wasn't so sure I'd get a second chance.

I took a deep breath, squaring my shoulders and reaching for resolve I knew had to be buried somewhere. There was a good chance I was about to piss Bella off, and in some ways, I hoped I did. I wanted her anger—I wanted her to have a reaction.

"Stop it." I forced a hard edge to my tone, willing myself to do what had to be done. She spun to face me, her eyes wide, a spark of anger hidden in their murky depths. "I mean it, Bella. Stop this shit right now. We've been through too much, way too much, for you to push me away now. You can't keep doing this. It's obvious the only person you've stayed close to is Rose. You don't talk about your father. Rich saved your life, and you barely interact with him. You shut me out when things get hard. None of us are James."

"Just because you got—"

"I'm not finished," I cut in, carefully watching as her cheeks grew red and her shoulders rigid. "Don't you punish me, Bella, for what he did to you. I love you. I'm sure your father loves you."

"You don't know the first thing about Charlie," she snapped, her nails digging into her arms. She glared at me in the darkness, the light from the hall illuminating the flare of her nostrils and the way she was biting her lip.

"No, because you don't talk about him. You don't talk about growing up, or Phoenix, or even Rosalie! I don't even know where you live! Do you know how that feels, Bella? I'm in love with you, and you don't trust me enough to tell me where you live. How fucked up is that?"

"I told you I had secrets, Edward. I told you a long time ago."

"Don't." I took another deep breath, fighting for calm. I was getting angry myself as I grew more heated. "Bella, you just stood by me for one of the hardest things I've had to do. I didn't say it earlier, but I'm saying it now. Thank you. Thank you for dropping everything and going with me, and thank you for being amazing while we were there."

I paused, but Bella said nothing. Her eyes were fixed on me, her expression an emotionless mask. She was waiting for me to arrive at my point, and I rambled on before I lost my nerve.

"The moment you told me you loved me...that was a big one for me. One of the best moments of my life. If I could close my eyes and put us back in that bathtub, I would. But I can't. All I can do is try to be there for you like you were there for me. You need to let me do that, Bella."

"Edward—"

I put a finger to her lips, leaning my forehead against hers as I pulled her back into my arms. I could hear in her tone that she was about to tell me I was wrong; she was about to break both our hearts. She became silent as I held her, but as the minutes ticked by, I felt the change come over her. Her body softened into mine, her arms winding around my neck until she was clinging to me.

When I pulled back, her cheeks were tear-stained, but she wasn't fighting me anymore. "I love you," she whispered hoarsely, pushing her hair back from her eyes and putting a hand to my chest. "You...you're perfect for me. I don't know why..."

"It's okay to be scared," I said quietly, guiding her back toward the bed. I closed the bedroom door after flipping off the light switch, returning to her quickly. She pulled my T-shirt off, quickly replacing the one she was wearing with the one I'd just had on.

"I love when you do that," I confessed, a small smile playing across my lips as I got into bed beside her.

"This one smells like you."

"It looks better on you."

That was what finally did it. Bella smiled. It was a tiny smile, one tinged with sadness and shaded by the shadow of all that lay before us, but it was a smile. She nuzzled her lips against my neck as I wrapped an arm around her back, breathing in the scent of her damp hair.

"I am scared," she finally admitted, very quietly. "But I'm not scared for me. I mean, after...Charlie taught me how to use a gun, and he made me take all these self-defense classes but...I'm scared for you, Edward. And for Rose. And Rich. And even Emmett. I'm scared for Charlie, and I'm scared that if we go to Forks, it's going to bring all of my bad shit to your family."

_Bella knows how to shoot a gun? _I wondered to myself. When I thought about the reason she'd had to learn, bile rose in the back of my throat. I didn't want to think about that. I wished I'd met Bella earlier, that we'd been high school sweethearts, that I could have protected her from all of this.

"My family already loves you," I said aloud, memories of my mother's happy smile and the conversation I'd shared with Alice on her balcony coming back. I wanted to tell her she was already a part of that family, but I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to tell her that Alice had said as much only minutes ago, but with all of Bella's intimacy issues, I had pushed her far enough for one night; I didn't need to allude to marriage or family.

"I know. That's why I don't want them to get hurt."

I was silent for a long moment, but I couldn't stop myself from asking, "Bella, why haven't we called the police?"

"The police." She laughed, but it was another of her bitter, angry laughs. Pushing herself up on her elbows, she met my gaze in the darkness. Her expression was one of barely contained fury. "The police didn't help me last time. Why would this time be any different?"

"What happened?" I asked tentatively, stroking her arm is what I hoped was a comforting manner.

Bella sighed, her expression growing distant. "I don't know. James is from a powerful family. Maybe they paid someone off? Maybe they threatened them? All I know is that all the supposed evidence from my mom's...from my mom, it disappeared. Just like evidence disappeared from when James took me. Witnesses all of a sudden wouldn't testify. There was nothing the judge could do. He cited a few of them for contempt, but there was nothing else to be done. I was terrified, and young, and his lawyer ate me for breakfast. There were a few things too obvious to hide, like the statutory rape claim, but other than that, James found a way to make it all just go away. He was supposed to do ten years minimum, but I guess he charmed them like he charms everyone else..."

She stopped, tracing an idle pattern on my chest as her hair fell in front of her eyes. I gently brushed it back, fighting the rage churning my stomach. I wanted to kill James with my bare hands; I wanted to do everything in my power to hurt him, to make him helpless, to pay him back for everything he'd done to Bella and her family. Instead, I took her hand in mine, pressing a kiss to the inside of her wrist. I wanted to say something, anything, but there was nothing to say. No words in the world could make what she had gone through seem any better.

I wrapped her in my arms, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Slowly, her breaths evened out, her body relaxing into mine. Exhaustion washed over us, and we both fell asleep quickly.

That night, the nightmares started. Bella dreamt them. I lived them.

Bella woke us both with her screams. The first time it happened, I went into a panic. I shook her violently, willing her to wake up, begging her to tell me what was wrong. When her eyes opened and slowly focused back on me, I realized it had been a nightmare. A terrible dream she refused to discuss.

I had barely fallen back into a fitful sleep when she starting screaming again.

After that, I was afraid to sleep.

I lay awake, forcing my eyes to remain open so that each time Bella began to toss, I could run my fingers through her hair or down her back. She would quiet, her breaths evening until inevitably, her body would tense again.

The hours crept by, dawn breaking in a gray sky beyond my window. I watched the sun creep over the cityscape, holding Bella against me as she started to murmur again in her sleep.

When the sun was high enough in the sky to fall across Bella's closed eyes, she slowly stirred awake, blinking her sleep-filled eyes at me as she came to. "What time is it?" she mumbled, her voice thick.

"Just after eight," I replied after glancing at the clock. "Sleep okay?"

"Mostly." She squinted as she studied me, the sunlight probably hurting her eyes. "Did you sleep at all?"

"Yeah, I just woke up before you," I lied, smoothing her hair back.

"I don't believe you." She traced her fingertip under my eyes. "You look like you didn't sleep at all."

"I'm fine."

Bella pursed her lips, scrutinizing me as she woke fully. "You need sleep, Edward."

"You needed it more," I mumbled, looking away from her and out the window. I decided I needed to go out and get both curtains and shades for all the windows in the apartment; who knew who could be watching without us knowing.

Bella hadn't said anything, and I slowly turned my attention back to her. She had her bottom lip between her teeth, her brow furrowed. She stretched forward when I met her gaze, pressing a soft kiss on my mouth. "Go to sleep," she told me as she pulled away. "I'm going to take a shower and make you breakfast. Slowly."

"Bella, no," I protested, reaching for her as she slid out of bed. "I'm fine. Just stay here for another minute or two. It's cold without you."

She crawled back into my arms, but she pushed my head back on the pillow. "Close your eyes," she demanded as I watched her, but a small smile played across her lips. "C'mon, Edward. I know why you were awake all night. Just get some sleep, okay? It'll make me feel better."

I wanted to protest. I wanted to keep insisting I was fine, that she should stay in bed while I made her breakfast. I wanted to be the strong, supportive boyfriend and take care of everything. But as Bella ran her fingers through my hair and my eyes slipped close, the exhaustion of the evening caught up with me.

It was Bella's soft touch that woke me hours later. She had changed back into her jeans, one of my hoodies swimming on her with the sleeves pushed up. She was sitting next to me on the bed, a plate of eggs in one hand and a steaming cup of coffee in the other. "Breakfast!" she said cheerfully, nudging me with her knee.

"Bella, you shouldn't have..." I protested weakly, shoving myself into a sitting position. I took the plate gratefully, my mouth watering at the sight in front of me. "You're the best."

She smiled, leaning back against the wall as I started to shovel the food into my mouth. I was starving, which was no surprise considering my lack of dinner the night before. The eggs nearly burned my mouth, and the coffee did, but I didn't care.

I let the plate balance on my stomach, tucking Bella under my arm and sighing contently. For a minute, all the shit had finally stopped. I was just a man lucky to have an amazing girlfriend who spoiled him rotten.

But it couldn't last.

"I can't go to the bar," Bella said quietly, playing with the edge of the sheet as I ran my fingers up and down her arm. "I don't know what to do with myself. It's Tuesday. Tuesday, I go to the bar. I put in the order. I..." She took a deep breath, reaching for my hand and squeezing tightly. "I cleaned the apartment. I looked online at airline tickets. I pulled up all these Google Map images of Forks, trying to picture us there. I made breakfast...I don't know what to do now."

"Google won't do Forks justice. It's beautiful there, Bella." I took a deep breath and let it back out in a rush. "But I know that's not what you meant."

"No."

We fell silent, neither of us knowing what to say. I wanted to offer up a solid plan, one that would ensure Bella got out safely. I wanted the feeling of having stepped through an alternate reality, or having had way too much to drink, to just pass. This couldn't be real.

I had always known that Bella's past was going to be bad—she'd hidden too much and been too vague, about too many things, for it to have been rosy. Bella wasn't a girl given to dramatics or gross exaggerations either, so I'd known it was serious.

But this? I hadn't counted on anything like this.

"I want to get something to go over the windows today," I finally said, biting the bullet. There wasn't going to be any dancing around this.

"Okay."

Silence descended again. I resisted the urge to squirm. I didn't want to admit that it was awkward between Bella and me. We weren't awkward. We were in love.

"I'm going to go wash the dishes." Bella grabbed my breakfast plate and was out of the room in the blink of an eye.

"Fuck," I swore, banging my head back into the wall. I winced at the dull throb, letting my eyes slide closed. I could hear the clink of dishes from the kitchen, and I knew I had to go talk to Bella.

_Grow a pair. She needs you. _

That was all the pep talk I could muster for myself before I shuffled into the kitchen. Walking up behind Bella, I looped my arm around her waist like I had so many times before, leaning my cheek against her shoulder.

"We need to talk about this."

"I know," she said tersely, her shoulders stiffening. "Edward..."

"I'll start. I don't want to fly to Forks. I think we should drive. It's easier for us to disappear. And I want Rosalie to come too."

"She won't leave Emmett here."

"She wouldn't have to. My parents' place is huge."

"We can't all just show up in Forks, Edward. You only just started talking to your parents. Your dad was less than welcoming. And how are we supposed to break this to your parents? 'Hey, Mrs. Cullen, thank you so much for welcoming me to your house. By the way, some psychopath is after me. He's probably going to try to come after your son now, all because of me. I know you just got him back—'"

"Bella," I cut in, gently easing the dishes out of her hands. I pulled her away from the sink, forcing her to look at me. "My family...we used to be very close. Before the whole school thing. Besides, this guy thinks you're in New York. Forks is way out on the Olympic Peninsula. We can turn the drive into a road trip. It'll be fun."

"Fun?" The dangerous tone of her voice made me realize my blunder, but it was already too late. "This isn't some episode of Law & Order. This is my life!"

"That's not what I—"

"Then what did you mean?"

"This is all a bit much, Bella. I mean...corrupt cops? A crime family? Some guy halfway across the country is trying to kill you, and we can't even call the cops? What about the FBI? What're you going to do, shoot him yourself?"

"If I have to. I told you, my father made sure I could use a gun."

"This is insane."

"Well, no one said you had to stick around. You don't need to be some hero, Edward. I can disappear on my own."

"Stop twisting everything. I'm not going anywhere." When she didn't immediately fire back at me again, I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck. It was stiff from spending most of the night sitting up in bed while Bella slept. "You were having nightmares last night. Do you want to talk about it?"

"If I wanted to talk about it, I would have."

"Don't do this. It's hard enough."

"It's only going to get harder."

"I'm not going anywhere," I repeated, putting more force into the words with the hope that they would sink in. "I promise, Bella. I'm in this with you. I'll do everything I can to protect you." I pressed a kiss to her forehead, pulling her against me tightly as we stood wrapped up together in the kitchen. Bella was stiff in my arms at first, but slowly she relaxed, leaning her cheek to my chest.

"Thank you," she finally said, pulling away long enough to kiss me. "I'm sorry. I didn't sleep well, I mean, I know it's not like you did, but this is just...I'm scared, Edward."

"I know." I released her as she went back to the dishes, turning toward the bathroom. "I'm going to go shower and then we can go to the store, okay?"

Bella nodded, flashing me a weak smile as I paused in the doorway. With a heavy sigh, I headed for the bathroom, trying to ignore the knot of tension that developed in the pit of my stomach the second Bella was out of my sight.

* * *

AN: Many thanks to the beta and prereaders. Mwah!


	21. 21 Endless Roads

This has been a long time coming, I know. Note from me at the end so you can read now =)

21. Endless Roads

* * *

Ayn Rand once wrote, "Achieving life is not the same as avoiding death."

That was all Bella was doing...avoiding death. The days we lingered in New York, she slipped back into herself. She went through the motions, cooking, cleaning, showering, reading a book, but she didn't _live_. She drifted, and at night, she trembled as the nightmares broke her.

It was taking its toll on us both. I wasn't sleeping and neither was she. It left me irritable and bleary-eyed, and being trapped together in the apartment together was grating. I loved Bella, but I was suffocating on her terror and my helplessness. I wanted to go for a punishing run to clear my head, but I knew she couldn't keep up, and I knew I couldn't leave her alone. She told me she felt like a prisoner in the apartment, and it had taken everything not to snap back, "Me too."

In the end, I found my ally in the most unlikely place: Rosalie.

I didn't like sneaking around behind Bella's back, but her unwillingness to do something finally pushed me into it. Friday morning, I'd finally had enough, and while Bella showered, I lifted her best friend's phone number from her phone and dialed.

Rosalie answered the phone in a professional, clipped tone, and barely softened once I'd identified myself. "What do you want, Edward?" she demanded, a sigh in the words.

"We need to leave New York. Tonight."

"Do we?"

"She's killing me, Rosalie. She's a ghost in the apartment. I think a change of scenery would do her good...all of us. I know Rich told us to wait, that we didn't know if we really had to go, but...I just want to get her out of here."

"She told me that you want Emmett and me to come with you guys."

"I do."

"Why?"

I gritted my teeth, wondering why Rosalie couldn't just accept an olive branch for what it was. "Because you're important to Bella, and Emmett is important to you."

"That's...very thoughtful of you," she said after a lengthy pause, a curious note in her voice. "She also told me you want to drive it, that you're paranoid about flying and being traced."

"Do you think I'm being paranoid?"

Another pause. "No," she eventually replied. "I don't."

"How soon can you be ready to leave?" I wasn't wasting any time; Rosalie was agreeing with me, and that couldn't last. "I've had bags packed and hidden in the back of the closet since we got back. Bella doesn't know, but we could be ready in an hour or two."

She was silent, and I could hear Emmett in the background, shouting at a baseball game by the sounds of it. The seconds dragged by as I waited for a reply, both dreading and hoping she would agree all at the same time. The water was still rushing through the pipes, but I was growing paranoid that Bella would discover me planning without her and undoubtedly perceive it as a betrayal. I needed to have a plan in motion by the time she got out of the shower.

"My BMW is going to be a tight squeeze for that long of a drive," she finally said. "We can take Emmett's Jeep, but it's going to suck up a lot of gas. And I'm not sure it'd be any more comfortable. It's really loud."

"Just the way you like it, baby!" he shouted in the background, and she giggled into the phone. I didn't really know what to do with the usually stern Rosalie giggling, so I ignored it, my thoughts turning to the car issue. I shifted my weight from foot to foot as I anxiously peered down the hall toward the bathroom. Bella's comfort was of pretty high importance, but so was making good time.

"Let's take your car, if that's okay," I finally decided. "It'll be a faster ride. Bella's short anyway."

"You're not," she said bluntly.

"I'll be fine."

"You're not driving my car."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"Are we just going to push through? Or do you want to plan for stops?"

"Honestly? I want to get in the car and drive until we're at my parents' house. But I'm not sure that's such a good idea. She's already freaked. If we act like we're on the run, she'll feel like we're on the run. I don't want that. But I also don't want to be out in the open..."

"She's stronger than you think," Rosalie cut in.

"I don't want her to _have_to be so strong. I want to take care of her," I protested stubbornly.

"I know that. And I respect you for it." Rosalie paused, a rush of air coming through the line as she sighed heavily. "I know you're trying to do what's best for her, but if you keep treating her like a china doll, she's going to shatter like one," she said gently. "Bella knows what she's up against. Trying to pretend things aren't what they are isn't going to help."

"I don't know what else to do."

"Pack her things and have her ready to go in an hour."

"I can do that."

"She's probably going to fight you."

"I know."

We were both silent, the apartment quiet but for the sound of the shower, our breathing echoing over the phone lines. I didn't want to hang up first; hanging up meant it was time to act.

"She loves you," Rosalie said finally, her voice catching. When she spoke again, all trace of emotion was gone. "I have to go. I'll talk to Rich. See you in an hour."

I hung up, leaning back against the kitchen counter, feeling the weight of my entire world on my shoulders. I took a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut and balling my hands into fists. I forced myself to be still for a long moment, striving to find some calmness before I launched myself into the day.

With one last lingering look around my small kitchen, I made my way back to the bedroom, passing the bathroom. I paused, listening to the shower run, the splash of water as Bella moved around, and sighed. She had been in the shower for nearly half an hour and that inevitably meant she was stalling. This wasn't going to be easy. I knew Bella had agreed to go to Forks in the beginning, but her mood swings over the last few days had me worried that was reconsidering.

I delved into the closet, pushing aside the boxes of books I'd hidden the suitcases behind. I tugged them out now, sending a pile of sweatshirts toppling to the floor. I cursed, yanking harder and colliding with the stack of books. A dozen books fell to the floor around me with a clatter.

"What are you doing?" Bella asked from behind me, her voice tight with annoyance.

I took a deep breath, swallowing my irritation as I turned to face her. She had the towel clutched under her arms, her brow furrowed and posture tense. Her hair hung around her shoulders, dripping on the carpet and down her pale skin. The dark shadows under her eyes stood out in harsh contrast to her skin and the stark white of the wall behind her.

"You need to get dressed," I said gently, moving to the side and revealing the suitcase I had dragged forward. "Rosalie will be here in less than an hour."

"For what?"

"We're leaving."

Her mouth formed a small "o" of shock as she leaned back against the wall, her shoulders crumpling in on her small frame. Without opening her eyes, she asked, "Why?"

"Because we have to get out of the city. You're terrified, Bella. I feel helpless every day we sit in this apartment. You jump at every little noise. I can't do this anymore. Forks is quiet, and it's in the middle of nowhere. We'll disappear there."

"I don't want to run. I've been running for years."

"I know, Bella, I know." I took a tentative step toward her, watching her eyes to see if she would let me touch her. When she didn't move, I crossed the room and pulled her into my arms, her towel damp against my skin. I wanted to argue, to remind her that she had agreed to the Forks plan, but I swallowed my protest. "But being here isn't doing you any good. We're going to figure this out."

She said nothing, remaining still and silent in my arms for a few long moments. She pushed away slowly, but gently, crossing the room to grab clothes out of the closet. It didn't escape my notice that while she put on her own jeans and tank top, she reached for the NYU hoodie I'd been wearing around the apartment the last few days.

I watched, transfixed, as Bella went through her own little ritual of dressing and brushing her hair. Once it was piled on top of her head to her satisfaction, she bent her nose to the fabric of my sweatshirt, breathing deeply before turning back to me. The action brought a smile to my face, and to my surprise, she offered a tiny smile in return.

"You've been planning this?" she said quietly, gesturing to the suitcases I had finally freed from the closet. "You knew?"

"I guessed."

She remained where she was, her eyes fixed on the pile of bags. For a moment, I was afraid she was going to lapse into one of her catatonic staring fits, but then she turned back to me. "Is there anything I need to do?"

"Toiletries are about it," I replied, pulling the bags further into the room. I opened the zippers, revealing the neatly folded contents. I had packed while Bella had tossed and turned in her sleep, one eye carefully kept on her at all times, methodically folding to distract myself from her intelligible murmurs.

"You got everything else? How?"

I paused, unsure if I wanted to tell her the truth. With a sigh, I decided lies weren't going to get me anywhere. "You're barely here, Bella. I mean, you're here, but half the time I have to say your name three times before you even know I'm talking to you. I didn't think you'd notice."

"I didn't," she mumbled, more to herself than to me. Her cheeks burned with color, and there was shame in her expression when she turned to me. "I'm sorry. I'm not handling this well."

"I feel like I'm navigating a minefield with you lately," I admitted, running a hand through my hair and fighting to keep my tone gentle. "I don't know what I can do to prove to you that I'm here, but I am."

"I know."

"Do you?" Anger flashed in her eyes as she met my stare, but something in my expression stopped the sharp retort I knew she had on the tip of her tongue. I sighed, breaking our gaze to stare at my toes. "I don't need you to answer me. Just...think about it."

I waited a beat for her to react, and eventually she nodded. "I'm going to grab a quick shower. Rose should be here soon. We're going to take her car." I paused in the doorway, turning back to her with Rosalie's words echoing in my head. "It's up to you how we make the drive. We can just push straight through and drive in shifts, or we can stop along the way."

"It's not a road trip, Edward."

"I know, but I just...I didn't want to make you feel like..."

"...like I'm on the run?" she cut in, her voice flat. "Aren't I?"

"Bella..."

"I'm fine, Edward. Go shower."

"It's just over two days if we drive straight through."

"Edward, really, I'm _fine_. Go shower."

"Come with me."

"I just showered."

"I know but..." I let the words die in the air, shame flooding my cheeks. It wasn't even sex that I wanted so badly—I just wanted to feel close to her. Since getting the news of James' escape, Bella had barely let me touch her. I could understand why we weren't having sex, and surprising myself, I was okay with it. But I missed having her in my arms; I missed simply feeling her skin on mine. The only time I'd felt her skin in days had been while she was asleep, and I was trying to comfort her through yet another nightmare.

"I miss you," I mumbled under my breath, turning to walk away. I wanted her to have heard me; I wanted her to follow. But I knew I'd been far too quiet, and Bella had other things on her mind.

I went through the motions of showering and dressing. Bella remained silent as she packed the few things I either hadn't thought of, or hadn't been able to pack away for her. By the time we were done, Rosalie had arrived, and before it had even really registered that we were on our way, the city was growing faint in Rosalie's rearview mirror.

I knew I had to call my parents, and I knew I had to call Alice. It had been days since I'd spoken to my sister, and though I'd explained we weren't quite sure whether we were still coming to Forks, she had casually slipped into the conversation that her and Jasper were going to go visit anyway; they felt like getting out LA. I knew she was full of shit, but I let it go. As annoying as Alice could be, my sister was there for me when I needed her.

Maybe she had told our parents, maybe she hadn't, but I knew it was a phone call I needed to make. I figured I would call the first time we stopped for gas, or a bathroom break, or food. I would call while Bella was out of earshot so she wouldn't hear the worry and pain in my voice. I'd also have to find a way to pull Rosalie aside to see what Rich had had to say when she'd called him earlier.

Even Emmett was silent as we made our way onto the highway, heading west along our northerly course. Rosalie and I had quickly agreed that avoiding populated areas as much as possible would be for the best, so we would head west until we got to Chicago before veering north toward the Dakotas. We'd cut across Montana and Idaho before making the long trek across Washington state. It would be a lot of forest and empty highway, but there would be few people. With college kids across the country making long drives home for the summer, we hoped to blend in with the rest of them.

Bella was pretending to be asleep, her fingers balled under her chin as she leaned against the window. I ached to pull her into my arms, but her shoulders were rigid and she had barely spoken to me once I'd gotten out of the shower. I could tell by her breathing that she was awake. I suspected she would come undone when we finally got to Washington, and in a way, I hoped that everything she was bottling up would come out once I closed my bedroom door. I needed her to talk to me.

Rosalie eventually turned on some music, her eyes catching mine in the rearview mirror. She looked tense and worried, her eyes shooting from me to Bella and then back again. I shrugged, not knowing what else to do. I wanted to comfort Bella; I wanted to be as natural as Emmett, who every now and then would squeeze Rosalie's hand or thigh in reassurance before going back to his Sports Illustrated. He was the picture of enduring support.

I was failing once again.

"I need a coffee," Rosalie announced as she pulled off the highway some time later. It could have been hours or minutes for all I knew; I'd been watching Bella for some sign of movement. We were still far enough east that the bright orange and pink letters of Dunkin' Donuts greeted us mere feet from the off ramp, and Rosalie quickly parked and jumped out. "Coming?" she asked, sticking her head back into the car to grab her purse.

"In a minute," I answered, offering a small smile.

She nodded, following Emmett into the small building. It was nearing one in the afternoon, and Bella hadn't moved. The sunlight glinted off the highlights in her hair, and I sighed heavily before I spoke.

"I know you're awake."

"So?"

"Do you want a coffee?"

"That's fine."

"Bella..."

"I'm fine."

"Would you stop with the 'fine' bullshit?"

Her eyes snapped open, filled with rage. She had all the appearance of a caged animal backed into a corner, and for a brief moment, I wondered if she would lash out. Her expression softened after a tense moment of silence, and she shook her head. "If it's not fine, it's falling apart," she whispered, her eyes shimmering.

Wordlessly, I reached across the small backseat. Bella didn't fight me as I undid her seatbelt and pulled her into my arms, cradling her against me. Thankfully, once I had her, her arms went around my neck reflexively and she curled into me, her cheek on my shoulder.

We were still sitting there that way when Rosalie and Emmett returned. Bella pushed away at first, trying to get back to her side of the car, but I held her firmly. I silently begged her to stay where she was, to let me hold her together, and for once her stubbornness gave way. She sighed as she got more comfortable, her hands balled up in my shirt and legs stretched across the backseat. Rosalie handed me a coffee with a concerned expression, her eyes lingering on Bella's form. I mouthed a thank you, tightening my grip on Bella to show Rosalie I had her.

Rosalie kept driving for hours. We stopped a few more times for gas and bathroom breaks, grabbing sandwiches from the rest-stops before pushing on again. I tried to call my parents once, but the call rolled to voice mail. Not wanting to leave a message, I resolved to try again later. Rosalie was relentless as the miles slid away, the sun setting and plunging us into darkness, but she pressed forward.

"Rose, baby, I think you need to let me drive for a bit," Emmett said quietly as we entered the outer limits of Chicago. "You're starting to swerve."

"I'm fine, Emmett."

"You've been driving for over twelve hours. It's nearly midnight. Let me drive for awhile. Get some sleep."

"I'll sleep later."

"Rosalie, it's not up for debate." Their entire conversation had been in low, hushed tones, but there was no mistaking the force behind Emmett's words. I'd never heard him disagree with Rosalie so directly before, and his tone said he meant business. She huffed as she turned back to the road, but I watched as his fingers slid over hers, squeezing for a long moment before he leaned back into the passenger seat. She relaxed, her shoulders easing back as she slowed to take the next exit.

Bella had been sleeping, but she woke as the car rolled to a stop, squinting in the bright lights of the truck stop. "Where are we?" she mumbled, glancing around. One truck stop in the middle of the night looked like any other.

"Just outside of Chicago," I told her, stretching my stiff body in the limited confines of the car. Rosalie and Emmett had preceded us into the building, his arm slung around her shoulders. "Do you feel any better having slept?"

"Not really..." Bella stretched, sighing as she got out of the car. I rushed to her, unwilling to leave her side for any longer than I had to.

"Hey, wait a second, please?" I asked as she turned to follow Rosalie and Emmett.

"What, Edward?"

"Just wait," I repeated quietly, threading my hands into her hair. I brushed my thumbs over her cheeks, dying to see the spark in her eyes that meant she loved me, that on some level, she was in that parking lot with me, and not trapped in her nightmares.

I bent to kiss her, needing to feel that connection, needing to feel her body meld to mine in the simplest expression of emotion. I heard her breath catch right before our lips met, and then in an instant it was as though nothing could come between us. Bella's arms went around my neck, her mouth moving in perfect time with mine for a few precious seconds before she pulled away.

"What was that for?" she asked, her voice tinged with a familiar breathlessness I delighted in hearing.

"I needed to," I said simply, grabbing her hand. I pressed another kiss to the inside of her wrist, pulling her to me.

"Are you sure you don't want to stop for the night?" I asked as we made our way into the bright florescent lights. I blinked in the sudden brightness. "We've been in the car for a long time."

"I'd rather just push through, honestly."

"Okay." We lapsed back into silence as we slowly made our way through the complex, past the shuttered restaurants and arcade. Rosalie was waiting for Bella outside of the bathroom, her expression carefully neutral.

As I released Bella's hand, Rosalie stepped forward, slinging an arm around her shoulders as she guided her into the bathroom. I watched them go, a pang of intense worry running through me. We were passing Bella between us like she was a patient in need of monitoring, like she was too unstable to be left alone. It frightened me that there was a chance she really needed to be watched that closely to prevent her doing something stupid.

Rosalie's words came back again, warning against me treating Bella as helpless. I was torn. I knew she was terrified—I'd be worried if she wasn't—and that just pushed me to want to comfort and protect. But I didn't know how to protect her from this, and I didn't even know where to begin on getting her to talk to me. In all our time together, Bella had always been tight-lipped about her past. It was rare she actually expressed what she was feeling, and any memories of her past that didn't include Rosalie were recalled in extremely clipped terms.

I sighed, quickly ducking into the bathroom before wandering back to the attached gas station for another cup of coffee. We had hours and hours to go in the car, and though she'd told me not to dream of it, I was hoping to take over a shift driving. I needed the distraction. My thoughts wandered too much when left to the silence of the back seat.

Bella would come around in her own time. She always had. Though my memory fought to stack Bella's cool, together demeanor with her recent behavior, I struggled to remember that it was only in recent months I had really gotten to know her. The face she put on in the bar was just that—a face. It was only in truly being with her that I was learning her true feelings, her fears...and her nightmares.

The memory of her bathtub declaration in Los Angeles brought a smile to my lips. It had been utterly unexpected, and looking back, perfectly Bella. She had come to her feelings in her own time and expressed them in her own way; I wouldn't change how it had happened, and I didn't want to change her.

Grabbing my coffee, I ducked back into the parking lot, reaching for a cigarette. I breathed the smoke deeply, relief coursing through my veins. Rosalie had been adamant I wasn't smoking in her car, and with all the stress I was under, I was grabbing a cigarette as often as I could.

The coffee was burnt and scalding hot. The effect was that it tasted disgusting. I debated throwing it out, but my bleary eyes advised against it.

"That's bad for you, you know," Bella's soft voice called from behind me. I watched as she made her way over, her hands clutched around a steaming paper cup.

I grinned wryly, oddly comforted by her familiar chiding. "The coffee is terrible."

"Yeah, I know. Even adding salt to mine didn't help."

"Salt?"

"Yeah. You add a dash of salt to the coffee to take the bitter out when it's old. I learned it working at a diner," she explained, stopping a few inches away from me. She lingered for a moment, silent as I smoked, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

I got the impression she wanted to say something, but with Rosalie nowhere in sight, I wasn't going to push. I could see the red BMW shining in the dull lights of the parking lot, but Rosalie and Emmett were still weren't back. I leaned back against the building, waiting for Bella to speak, slowly smoking my cigarette down to the filter.

"What's Forks like?" she finally asked, her voice barely a whisper.

_Not what I was expecting,_I thought to myself, flicking the spent cigarette and grinding it out under my heel. "Green," I replied absently, staring out across the empty lot while I collected my thoughts. In the distance the lights of Chicago shone, the clouds reflecting the dull orange-pink city glow. "The forest seemingly goes on forever. It rains all the time, but it rarely pours. Mostly it's just damp."

"What was is like growing up there?"

I shrugged. "It was a small town. There wasn't a lot to do, so we found things to do. Everyone knew everyone. My father works at the hospital, so pretty much any trouble I got into in public got related back to him."

"Is your...is Jessica still there?"

I frowned, not liking the direction of her questions. For a moment, it had seemed like we were going to have a real conversation that wasn't filled with terror or running, but now it seemed Bella was just dredging up another nightmare. I debated lighting another cigarette but decided against it, sucking down the bitter coffee instead before answering, "Last I knew, yes, she was in Forks. She said she was going to stay with her parents until she found an apartment, but she could be gone by now. She wanted to move to Seattle." I paused. "But even if she is home, I haven't talked to her since she left. She sent one email asking me to ship her stuff back, which you knew about, and that was it. Nothing else."

"Okay."

"Bella, you have nothing to worry about."

"Other than the psychopath looking for me?"

"You know that's not what I meant," I snapped. My tone was much sharper than I'd intended, but I was worn down. Everything with her was a battle lately, and I'd finally hit my breaking point. I took a ragged breath, squeezing my eyes shut and groping in my pockets for another cigarette.

"I didn't ask you to be my knight in shining armor, Edward," Bella said after a long silence, her voice carefully controlled. I didn't need to look at her to know her expression would be carefully blank. "I didn't ask you to sweep in and try to fix all my problems. I was doing fine on my own."

"You've been walking around the apartment in a daze since we got back from LA."

"I was coping."

"You were avoiding. You're still avoiding."

"What do you want me to do? Be hysterical? Cry? Ask you to kiss it and make it better? That's not who I am. I thought you knew that."

"Why did you agree to come to Forks? If you were so fine in New York, why are we going? Why is Rosalie killing herself making this drive as quickly as possible, if you're just fine on your own?"

"I didn't ask you to do this!"

"That's not an answer."

She threw up her hands, turning away from me and heading back toward the car.

"Bella!"

She stopped, her shoulders rigid. I was halfway through my second cigarette, and I hurriedly stabbed it out as I chased after her. "I want an answer," I said more calmly. I needed her to answer the question. Her comments stung, and I needed some kind of reassurance I was doing the right thing.

Bella spoke without looking at me, tugging the sleeves of her sweatshirt over her hands. "I'm going because I love you, and I don't want to be in New York without you." She took a deep, shaky breath. "I'm going because I'm scared. I need you."

"I need you too," I replied gently, pulling her into my arms and pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Don't forget that, Bella. No matter what shit is going on, I need you."

She nodded against my chest, her tiny hands gripping my shirt tightly.

"Hey!" Rosalie called from behind us, breaking the moment. "Let's go!"

Getting back in the car, I realized I still hadn't talked to my parents or Rosalie. _Tomorrow_, I told myself, _tomorrow I'll call, and I'll find a way to snag her for a minute. _

The hours, and endless miles passed in monotone. I felt like I'd nearly lost myself in the rhythm of the tires on the pavement and the evenly spaced white lines in the road by the time the sign for Washington loomed in the distance, glowing in the twilight.

Emmett was driving again, his steady speed a distinct difference from Rosalie's tendency to race down the straight-aways, only to slow when she couldn't see what was ahead, then barrel on again when the coast was clear. She was asleep in the passenger seat, Emmett's sweatshirt acting as her pillow bunched up by the window.

Bella had her head in my lap, and though her eyes were closed, she was awake. I ran my fingers through her hair, slowly, methodically, trying to focus on anything other than my thoughts.

We'd been in the car for two days. I'd barely slept, and Rosalie had stuck to her insistence I not drive her car. It had left me little to do other than think and obsess.

I'd managed to get a minute alone with Rosalie at one of our late night stops. She'd been hesitant when I'd asked about Rich, but it eventually had come out that he thought we were right to leave. He'd told her he didn't have anything definitive, but he had a few suspicions. There'd been a few calls to the bar asking for an "Isabella" that had him on guard. Rosalie made me promise to keep it from Bella for the time being, to focus on just getting to Forks, and I'd reluctantly agreed.

Talking to Rosalie had me convinced I'd done the right thing in acting, in deciding that it was time to pull Bella out of the city, but her bitter retort that she wasn't looking for a knight in shining armor haunted me. I hadn't intended my actions to come off that she needed rescuing, but I _had_ been trying to take care of her. We had been doing so good together, finally learning to balance where needs and wants for each other met, but in the last week, I'd become consumed with trying to save her. And it wasn't just to save her from James—in many ways, that threat was still far too abstract for it to really sink in as true danger—but to save her from herself.

Bella wasn't interested in being saved. She never had been.

I sighed quietly, watching the forest speed by outside the window. I just wanted to get to Forks. I wanted to get home, climb the three flights of stairs to the solitude of my childhood bedroom, and fall onto my perfectly worn leather couch.

I hadn't spoken to my father, but my mother had been oddly accepting. She had asked only a few questions, though there had been a strange tone to her voice. I'd given her a fraction of the truth—Bella's ex had shown up in New York, and we needed to get out of town. When Mom has softly asked why we had chosen to come back to Washington, I'd told the truth: I missed my family. With everything in New York so stressful, I had wanted, _we_ had wanted to be some place calmer, quieter.

It had been a quick conversation snatched while Bella had been in the bathroom at another rest stop, and the only other thing my mom had gotten in was that she'd air out my room and the guest room. She'd been more than happy to have Emmett and Rosalie coming along; ever since my sister and I had left, she'd claimed the house was far too quiet. She didn't mention my father, or Jasper and Alice's visit, and neither did I.

The hours dragged. Bella slept fitfully in short spurts. We passed through Seattle in the dead of night, the truckers our only company. The road narrowed as we made our way toward Forks, the cars becoming fewer and fewer. It was nearing dawn when we entered Port Angeles, the moonlight illuminating the ocean.

"Why don't you let me drive from here?" I suggested quietly to Emmett. "My parents' place is hard to find if you don't know where it is. The roads get windy."

He met my gaze in the rearview, slowing with a sidelong glance at Rosalie. "Yeah, man," he agreed after a moment. "Rose sleeps like the dead, but if she wakes up I'll deal with her."

I nodded, gently easing Bella upright. She shook out of her sleep quickly, her bleary eyes focusing on mine as we rolled to a stop on the shoulder. "Where are we?" she mumbled, squinting out the windows.

"About an hour from my parents' place, maybe a little less," I replied, running my thumb down her cheek. "I'm going to drive from here. It's hard to see the turn off."

"Okay," she mumbled, scooting into my spot in the backseat as Emmett settled in behind Rosalie.

I'd assumed Bella would go back to sleep once I started driving, but instead she leaned forward, one hand resting on my shoulder. I hadn't realized how nervous I was about going home until I felt her reassuring touch on my shoulder; I'd been so wrapped up in worry about Bella that the thought of facing my father again hadn't occurred to me. Now the dread settled in the pit of my stomach, and I stomped the gas as we barreled toward Forks.

The sky slowly lightened from a deep midnight blue into fainter hues, the east streaked pink and red. It looked like it was going to dawn clear. I grinned wryly, shooting a glare at the eastern sky. _And the prodigal son returns_, I thought with a bitter twist. _Even the dawn wants to make a big deal of it. _

The sunlight was just starting to dance across the treetops as I turned off the 101, heading down the twisting road that contained only a handful of houses, all set well back into the woods. The drives were barely marked, not so much as a mailbox illustrating their presences.

Rosalie woke as we made our way down the gravel driveway, the car bouncing where the rain had washed sections away. "What are you doing driving my car?" she mumbled, wiping at her eyes.

"Good morning to you too," I shot back. I gestured to where the huge white house loomed through a break in the trees. "I'd fight with you about driving but...we're here."

"Dude, this is a mansion." Emmett was leaning forward, his eyes wide as the house came into clearer view. "_This _is where you grew up?"

"Yeah," I replied quietly, catching Bella's eye in the rearview. Her expression was unreadable. "Home sweet home."

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AN: I could babble on about what took me so long, but it's the usual stuff. Work, school, life... why can't someone pay me to write fic?

The semester ends tomorrow, so I'm hoping to get back into regular updates and finish this out by the end of the summer. Much thanks to those of you still with me! Also to the beta & prereaders 3


	22. 22 Good Morning, Forks

22. Good Morning, Forks

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but I did write the words below. Got it? Good.

* * *

Having driven through the night, we arrived at my parents' not too long after dawn. I had expected the house to be silent at that hour, but I had barely stepped out of the car when my mother appeared at the front door. The early morning light glinted off her hair as she stood there, watching the four of us come up the walk.

"I'm so glad you're home," she whispered in my ear as soon as I was close enough to embrace. I could hear the tears in her voice as she pulled away blinking. "Bella, dear, so nice to see you again. And this must be Rosalie and Emmett?"

Bella nodded at my mom, her expression unreadable as Esme threw her arms around her.

"No one else is up yet," Mom explained as she ushered us all into the house. "Alice and Jasper just got in last night, and your father..." She took a deep breath, offering a smile that was just a tad too bright. "Your father just got back from a shift at the hospital a few hours ago. If you all want to get a few hours sleep, I can fix up a big breakfast for everyone later. Edward told me you were planning to drive straight through. I'm sure you're all exhausted."

I smiled in spite of myself. She was just how I remembered her growing up, fussing over me and my friends like a mother hen. I wanted to ask what she was doing up so early, especially when everyone else was sleep, but I knew it wasn't the time.

"Edward, your room is pretty much how you left it," Mom broke into my thoughts. I blinked my eyes a few times, doing my best to pay attention. It had been so long since I had been home; the least I could do was listen to her for five minutes. "I put some new sheets on the bed. I made up the guest room for Rosalie and Emmett. How about I come wake you up in a few hours?"

"Yeah, Mom, we just need to get our bags. I'm going to just show Bella and Rose where the rooms are, and Emmett and I will come back down."

"Oh, because Bella and I can't carry our own bags," Rosalie shot back, a scowl on her face. I opened my mouth to shoot back a retort, but Emmett beat me to it.

"Babe, you're exhausted and Edward's trying to be nice. Let's just say thank you and be happy we're not sleeping on the couch like we do at your mom's." The words were clearly a rebuke, but with his wide grin and calm voice, Emmett managed to both scold and appease his girlfriend all at once. I watched in wonder as Rosalie sighed, grabbing his hand and offering my mom a tiny smile.

"Thank you, Mrs. Cullen. I'm sorry, it's just..."

"I'm sure you've had a long few days, dear. It's perfectly fine. A shower and some sleep will do everyone some good. Oh, and Esme is fine." Mom waved me up the stairs with a smile for my friends, turning toward the kitchen. "Go on, Edward, before everyone wakes up and you lose your chance for some shut eye."

"Your mom is awesome," Emmett told me as she walked away. "And, dude, this house is huge."

"Emmett!" Rosalie glared at him, daggers shooting from her eyes. "Don't be rude." She turned to me, an apologetic look on her face. "Edward, I'm sorry. I really am exhausted."

"Me too." I gestured up the stairs, grabbing Bella's arm. Other than greeting my mom, she hadn't said two words. "C'mon, the guest room is on the second floor, next to Alice's room. You guys have your own bathroom, so you don't have to share with my sister or anything. Knowing Mom, there's stacks of towels and anything else you need, so help yourselves. My room is up on the third floor if you need us," I explained as I came to a stop at the guest room door. I pointed back down the hall to where the stairs continued up. "There's only two rooms up there, mine and the music room, and mine's the only one with the door. Emmett, I'm just going to bring Bella up and we can go grab the bags, okay?"

"Yeah, man, that's fine." Emmett smiled at both of us, giving Rosalie a gentle nudge into the guest room. "And hey, thanks. I know you didn't have to..."

"Don't mention it." I waved him off, taking a deep breath as I started back down the hall. Bella trailed behind me, still silent. I wanted to say something to her, anything to get her to talk to me, but I was too caught up in my own emotions. I hadn't been back to my parents' since the fight that had led to years of silence, but now here I was. Coming home would have been overwhelming no matter when it had happened, but now, with the added stress of James, and Bella's emotional state, it was almost too much.

My bedroom looked exactly as it had the last time I had been there. The plate glass windows overlooked the backyard and beyond that to the stream and forest I had played in as a kid. The comforter on the bed was the same green one I had picked out in high school, and the stacks of music were untouched on the built-in shelves. My black leather couch was still pushed to one corner, and the closet door stood open to reveal piles of neatly folded clothes. If not for the lack of dust, I would have assumed my parents hadn't even opened the door since I'd gone back to New York.

I closed the door behind us as I pulled Bella into the room, wrapping my arms around her from behind. I followed her gaze, the open windows letting the familiar scent of rain invade my senses. It was so quiet out here that I could hear the rushing water of the creek across the grass.

"There's a bathroom up here if you want to shower when I come back up with your clothes," I murmured in her hair. "There's shades for all these windows, too, so we'll be able to sleep."

"I can't believe you grew up here," she finally said softly. She turned around in my arms, her tiny body swimming in my NYU sweatshirt. Her eyes had dark circles under them, and her hair was snarled from the days in the car. I didn't care. The look in her eyes made her perfect. "I feel like...like I suddenly just get so much more about you, and I haven't even seen Forks."

"Don't worry, you will. In about ten minutes next time we leave the house," I joked, pressing a light kiss to her forehead as I released my grip. "I'll be right back, okay?"

She nodded absently, turning to the shelves as I left the room. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her run her fingers along the spines of the books there, her expression one of wonder.

Emmett and I made quick work of the bags, moving quietly through the silent house. When I returned, I found Bella curled up on my couch, her arms folded and her eyes closed. Thinking her asleep, I gingerly stepped across the room and gathered her in my arms to bring to bed, but her eyes popped open as I slid one arm under her legs.

"I'm awake," she said groggily, but she didn't push me away when I picked her up anyway.

"You're barely keeping your eyes open."

"I know...but I want to shower first. We've been in that car for days. I feel disgusting."

"You're beautiful."

"I love you, but I can feel the grease in my hair. Shower."

"Okay, okay," I relented, setting her to her feet. I gestured to her bag, propped up next to mine. "I'm sure Mom put stuff in the shower for us, but if you want your own..."

"I just want some hot water and to not feel like my face is an oil slick."

I sighed, shaking my head at her and pulling her toward the bathroom door. Sure enough, not only was my own soap and shampoo sitting neatly on the shelf in the shower, but some sort of girly body wash was there too. Men's soap definitely didn't come in purple.

"There's towels in here," I explained, opening the door to the narrow linen closet and pulling out a few. "Looks like Mom's got you covered with the shower stuff. I'll just be..."

"Stay," she insisted as I turned away. "Stay with me, Edward."

"Bella..." I wanted nothing more than to stay with her, but we were both exhausted, and I knew for a fact I was completely overwhelmed. Being back in Forks, in this house, with her...

She tugged the sweatshirt over her head, letting it drop to the floor before reaching for me. She had my T-shirt halfway off before I even registered what was going on. "Please, just stay. I...need you. You need me. We'll deal with everything else later."

Her hands rested on my hips as her eyes sought mine imploringly. I gazed down, looking for some hint as to what Bella was really feeling behind her soft words. All I saw was the truth in her words, the love I needed looking back up at me. Barely breaking her gaze, I reached behind me, turning the water on.

Leaning down, I pressed my lips to hers, holding her to me though the kiss was chaste. I could never fairly say there was a moment I didn't desire Bella, but that wasn't my motive as I slowly undressed her. I just needed to be close to her, and as her fingers gently ran over my skin, it seemed to me she felt the same.

When our clothes had all fallen to the floor, I pulled Bella with me under the spray, groaning at the sensation of hot, clean water falling over my body. Bella smiled up at me through her wet eyelashes, pushing my hair back as the water ran over her hands. "See?" she teased, pushing onto the tips of her toes to kiss me. "Three days without a shower is too long."

"Mmm..." I mumbled, pulling her closer and bending to kiss her again. Desire may not have prompted me to accept her offer, but the sight of her body and the heat of the steam were pushing my thoughts rapidly in that direction. It had been so long since we had been together like that, and I suddenly wanted her as badly as I had the first time.

But this wasn't like the first time. I couldn't take her like I had then; I had to let her give herself to me. I broke our kiss, reaching behind her for the shampoo, something floral scented. Bella closed her eyes as I began to work it into her long hair, a hum of contentment escaping her lips as I held her to my chest to rinse it all back out. The conditioner came next, turning her hair silky under my touch. Bella repeated my motions once her hair was clean, her body tight against mine as she stretched to work the shampoo through my hair.

We were both breathing heavily by the time the body wash and soap had been rinsed away. Bella wrapped her arms around my neck, pressing the entire length of her body to mine and ghosting kisses along my shoulder. I reached shakily for the water, quickly turning it off before I lost all control of myself. "Not here," I told her, my voice low and throaty. "Bella, I've missed you..."

"Shhh." She reached out of the shower for one of the towels I had left on the counter, using it to quickly dry off my chest and arms before knotting it around my waist. She grabbed another towel for herself, stepping out of the shower and pulling me with her.

"I know things have been...difficult," she began, grabbing my hands with hers and twining our fingers.

"You don't have to..."

"I do," she said firmly. "The drive here, I had a lot of time to think about everything. Especially about us. I'm still terrified, Edward. I'm scared of James finding us, especially here, in this beautiful house with your mom, who's obviously so happy to have us here. But more than anything, I realized that us being here is just as hard for you as it is for me. You brought me here to keep me safe, even though this probably wasn't at all the way you wanted to come home. I know I got on your case about trying to save me back at that rest stop, and I don't need saving, but I do need you. I..."

"I love you, too," I cut in gently, cupping her face. I ran one thumb along the line of her cheek, watching as a delicate blush rose up. "We're going to figure this out." I bent to kiss her once again, but the gentleness soon turned to passion as Bella let her towel drop to the floor. I gathered her up in my arms, carrying her back to my bed before gently setting her down.

We made love slowly, unable to get enough of each other. Her hands were everywhere, and I breathed in as much of her as I could. I pressed deeper with each thrust, desperate to be closer to her, our hips touching as she raised her body up to meet mine. Grabbing her hands, I wove my fingers through hers, leaning down to press kisses along her throat as we rocked together. A familiar burn had begun deep in my stomach, and I wanted to slow down, to savor a moment that would be over far too soon. But it had been too long, and Bella's soft moans and tight grip broke through my control. I moved more quickly, breaking my hold on one of her hands to pull one of her legs up, changing the angle to press against the place I knew would bring her undone.

I wanted to urge her on, to beg her to let go, but instead I dropped breathless kiss after breathless kiss on her exposed neck and shoulders. She had to let go on her own. I just hoped that she let go before I did, because I was quickly losing the ability to hold back.

Thankfully, with a deep moan Bella's release took hold of her, her nails digging into my hand. I buried my face in her neck, my groan muffled by the pillow under her head as I came with one final thrust. I let go of her leg, struggling to keep the full weight of my body off her as she wrapped her legs around me to keep me where I was. We were both breathing heavily, words not needed. I pressed kisses anywhere I could reach without moving too much, over her eyes, her cheeks, her lips. I wanted her to feel treasured and loved instead of afraid, even just for those few moments. With the rain-drenched sun streaming in through the massive windows, the deep quiet of the woods surrounding us, we couldn't have been further from my cramped New York apartment.

I didn't even bother to get up to close the shades. We were both so exhausted anyway that the light didn't matter. I was asleep within minutes, and Bella before me.

The shrill ringing of my phone on the nightstand by my head woke me hours later. "Hello?" My voice was thick with sleep, and I hoped whoever was calling had a damn good reason.

"I made brunch if you and Bella want to come down. Alice wanted to come up to get you, but..." My mom trailed off, an embarrassed tone in her voice. "I just thought this would be easier."

"Mom!" I was awake now, and flushed at the realization that my mom had just up and assumed Bella and I would have immediately jumped into having sex. The fact that she wasn't entirely wrong only made me blush all the more. "Are Emmett and Rose down there?"

"Yes, they came down about a half hour ago. Alice has been showing them around."

"Okay, we'll be right down." I hung up the phone and flopped back into the pillows, luxuriating in the comfortable mattress. My bed in Brooklyn had nothing on this one. I could have easily stayed right where I was all day, comfortable and content with Bella beside me. I had hoped that coming to Forks would bring us some peace, and it seemed there was some truth in that as Bella had slept straight through, no nightmares. As her sleepy eyes stared back up at me, they were clear. The puffiness under them had faded, and for the first time in a long time, she looked well rested.

"Mom made brunch," I told her, nuzzling my nose into her hair and breathing deep.

"Mmm, you mean something other than greasy spoon diner food?"

"Don't let Mom hear you even start to compare her food to a diner. She makes this French toast that just melts in your mouth." My stomach rumbled as I thought about the food waiting for us. Bella only laughed, pulling me down for a quick kiss before sliding out of bed.

The brief sunlight had faded back behind the clouds once again, and though it didn't seem to be raining, a thick fog lay over the forest. It had been nice to see the sun that morning, but this was the Forks that I remembered. Somehow, the gloomy weather only brightened my mood. This was home.

Plus, the sight of Bella's bare flesh and toned legs making their way across the room wasn't so bad either.

She pulled out a pair of yoga pants from her bag, but flashed me a grin after putting on her bra. I watched from the comfort of my bed as she darted into my closet, still stocked with clothes, and emerged a few moments later wearing a T-shirt from a concert I'd gone to in high school. I grinned at the sight, rolling out of bed and pulling on my own clothes. I paused long enough for Bella to pile her hair on top of her head, and then grabbed her hand to lead her down the stairs.

It felt good to be in the house with her. It was like my old life and new life had somehow managed to meet and make friends, against the odds. I knew that downstairs, my sister waited with Jasper and Bella's friends. My mom would be in her element, cooking up a storm for a houseful of people. The only question mark was my father. A frown took over before I could stop it, remembering our stormy reunion in Los Angeles.

"Edward?" Bella had stopped at the top of the stairs. The sound of my family floated up from the kitchen below, and everyone sounded happy.

"It's nothing," I told her, squeezing her hand and squaring my shoulders.

"I'm right here," she whispered in my ear as I continued down the stairs, squeezing back.

In the kitchen, a sight I had never thought to see again waited for me. Mom was in front of the stove, flipping that delicious French toast. A cast iron skillet filled with eggs steamed at her other elbow, while my father leaned against the counter sipping coffee. He smiled at us when we entered, and the last several years suddenly dropped away. I knew this wouldn't be the end of it, but it seemed as though everyone was of the same mind. A few hours of peace would be nice before we had to explain to my parents exactly why we were there.

After a chorus of _good__mornings_from everyone, Alice went back to chattering away with Rose about Forks and Port Angeles while Emmett and Jasper looked on. Mom handed us each a cup of coffee and sent us to join them with a wave of her hand. She made the usual inquiries on how we had slept, and whether the drive had gone all right. Then came the questions for Emmett and Rose, what did they do for a living, how did Rose like owning her own business, how nice it was of them to join Bella and me for our trip out.

But when the dishes were cleaned and all we had left was our coffees, silence fell. My father cleared his throat, leaning his elbows on the table and exchanging a glance with my mother. "Now, Edward, please don't get us wrong. It's wonderful that you're here, and your friends are always welcome. Bella, it's nice to see you again so soon. But, Edward, your mother and I..."

"Honey, we know you wanted to come visit, but this was just so sudden, and the look on your faces when you got here..."

Bella stiffened next to me, and I met her gaze with the questions in my eyes. How much were we going to tell them? Was it safe to tell them anything? Would they believe us if we lied? If we told the truth?

Rosalie didn't wait for either of us to answer.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, I'm grateful more than you know that you've opened your home to us. I know that Edward and you haven't been on the best terms, but he's been nothing short of amazing for my friend. You should know that before we tell you why we're here."

She paused, and Bella jumped in before Rosalie could go any further. "We should have told you before we came all this way. I should have told Edward at the beginning, but it's just been so..." She took a deep breath, grabbing for my hand under the table. "We came here to hide. There's a man, in my past, and he just got out of prison, and we're pretty sure he knew where I was in New York, Rose too, and I was too scared to think straight, and Edward, he's just been so great about everything..." Her eyes were glassy with tears I knew she didn't want to shed in front of everyone, and her words were coming out too quickly, tumbling on top of each other. I could only watch as expressions of horror took over my parents' faces.

"Bella," my father said gently, reaching across the table to lay his hand over hers. I tried not to show my shock at the action—this was the side of my father I hadn't seen in years. Leave it to Bella to bring it back out in him. "Is this man dangerous? You should call the police."

"The police won't help," I replied bitterly, before Bella could. She shifted nervously in her chair, and I sighed, waiting for her to look at me. I didn't know how much of the story was mine to tell, but I also didn't want my family in the dark.

"It's a really long story," Bella finally said, holding my gaze as she spoke to my parents. "I know Edward's told you about... my mom. He didn't know that this guy, James, he's the one who... he's the one who did it."

As she paused to force air into her lungs, Rosalie took over. "That asshole killed Bella's mom, and then he tried to kill her. Due to an epic failure of the courts, or maybe just some good old fashioned police corruption, the bastard didn't go away nearly as long as he should have. He just got out this week. We started getting weird calls at the bar while you were in LA..."

"And we needed to disappear," I finished, keeping one worried eye on Bella. "Mom, Dad, I'm sorry. We should have told you before just showing up with all this, but we had to get out of New York. I know things have been shitty between us, but..."

No one said a word for a long moment, and when I finally looked up, my mom was crying. "Edward, I'm glad you came to us," she finally said, squeezing my father's hand. "But we have to call the police! You're saying that there's a killer on the loose after Bella, and you don't want to call the police? That's insanity."

"I'm afraid your mother is right, son." My father had on his no-nonsense voice, the one I remembered from when Alice and I had started sneaking out as teenagers. We always got caught, and the lecture always came in that voice. If only our current situation were so simple. "The police in Washington can't possibly have anything to do with all this. They'll help you. I've got a friend I kept in touch with from Dartmouth who joined the FBI. I'm going to call him."

"No! Mr. Cullen, please don't. You don't understand, James is from a powerful family..."

"I promise you, Billy Black is a good man. He'll do what he can, Bella. I don't know who this guy is, but you've got family, too. Does your father know you're here?"

"No. I was afraid... the less he knows, the better."

"I think he'd want to know where you were," my mother gently reprimanded. Her eyes landed on me as she spoke again, "Even when we didn't talk, I knew Edward was in New York. It helped."

"Mom, leave it." I inched my chair closer to Bella's, wrapping one arm around her waist. My sister had yet to say a word, but judging by the way her and Jasper were looking at each other, they were having some kind of silent conversation. Given Alice's usual tendency toward nonstop chatter, her silence bothered me more than I cared to admit. "Maybe it would be better if no one knew I was here? Any of us?"

"I ran into Angela Weber on my way into town last night," Alice broke in. "She knows Jasper and I are here, but I didn't mention you guys. We should be good if you stay out of sight." She shot Bella an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Bella, but you're not missing much. Rose and Emmett aren't known around here, so it should be okay if they go out."

"We'll be fine," I replied, anxiously looking around the table. Bella hadn't completely shot down my dad's idea to call his FBI buddy, and I didn't want to let it show how relieved I was that finally, we were going to get the authorities involved. I wasn't a super hero. I knew damn well if this guy really came for Bella, there was a good chance I wouldn't be able to stop him. And that thought made my blood run cold. I couldn't lose her. I couldn't lose any of the people in this house. "I can take Bella up to Port Angeles, or we can go hiking around here."

"How long were you planning to stay?" my father asked after a pause, meeting my gaze across the table. There was an edge to his tone, and I was about to find out why.

"We... hadn't figured that out yet."

"I see." And there it was—my father was judging me all over again. I had fled New York with no plan other than to get Bella out of there. I didn't know how long we would be gone, or how we would decide when to return. I hadn't thought that far ahead. By the look on his face, my father had figured that out. I inwardly flinched, waiting for the tirade.

It didn't come. He got up from his chair slowly, and for the first time it struck me how much my father had aged. His hair was streaked through with gray, and there was a weariness in the way he moved. "I'm going to go call Billy from my office. I'll let you know what he says. Bella, he's probably going to need to talk to you. Would you come with me, please?"

I stood to go with her, but Bella put one hand to my chest, stopping me. "Edward, it's okay."

"But..."

Her eyes darted nervously to my family at the table, and then to my waiting father, before coming back to me. "It would be easier if I didn't have to repeat it all in front of you, again," she finally said, so quietly I had to strain to hear her. "Please, Edward..."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she whispered, her troubled gaze meeting mine. "I'll have to tell him everything, from the start." She paused. "This man, is he... do you know him?"

"He's one of my father's oldest friends. We saw him a lot as kids. He's got a daughter Alice's age. I think we can trust him."

"Okay." She took a deep breath, reached up to kiss my cheek, and walked off behind my father.

* * *

AN: First off, yes, I do plan to finish this. No, I don't have an exact time. Things seem to keep popping up. This summer, I was going to finish this. I bought a house instead. Now I've got a new job, never mind grad school and the everyday things that seem to get into everyone's way. So... I'll keep updating as I go along, and I'm happy to have those of you who want to stick around.

Many thanks to my beta for sticking with me and also divine inspiration for all the late night gchat hand-holding. She has an awesome new story she's co-writing (and they actually update regularly, unlike me) called "When the Dust Settles" that I highly recommend.


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